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You guys remember Ted Haggard, right? He was the vehemently anti-gay evangelical preacher from Colorado who it was later revealed had been soliciting male prostitutes for years and also doing crystal meth? That Ted Haggard. Now, one would assume that as embarrassing and damaging as this public scandal might have been for Ted Haggard, it would have at least allowed him the freedom to truly accept himself and begin a new life as an openly gay man. Nope! Your honor, if Ted Haggard may approach the bench.
Ted Haggard: Scandalous will show Haggard as he goes about setting up his new church inside his barn in Colorado Springs. The church has been operating for several months and, as of July, had attracted about 200 worshipers.
Despite his transgression, which Haggard says was a mistake and no proof of homosexuality, he is still married. He and his wife run the new church — which welcomes gay congregants — together.
The special is scheduled to air Jan. 16.
As he told the Wall Street Journal this summer:
“Tiger Woods needs to golf. Michael Vick needs to be playing football. Ted Haggard needs to be leading a church.” (Via TalkingPointsMemo)
Cool show! Cool WIFE! Ted Haggard rests his case, everybody. You know, it is bad enough that he continues to deny his homosexuality in a really sad and counter-productive way–I’m sure his crystal meth use is in no way evidence of an addiction to crystal meth–but he’s referring to himself in the third person now, too? YUCK. (Thanks for the tip, @malgs.)
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“Always Be leading a Church”
~ Ted Haggard
“he is still married.” Um, http://www.hesjustnotthatintoyoumovie.com
“If I were married to Ted Haggard and he cheated on me with a male prostitute and took crystal meth, I would get mad at him, but I would never dump him. I would just make him stop with the gay sex and drugs and open a new church.” – womankind
Dear WomanKind,
Oh Girl
Love,
Everybody
Dear Ted Haggard:
“Repeatedly fucking men was a mistake and no proof of homosexuality.” – Ted Haggard, CEO, Pittsburgh Demolition
As they say in my homeland, “OY VEY!”
So you’re from New York?
New Jersey, close enough.
Still, Ted Haggard is Completely Heterosexual http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZmHC75FDqQ
Comparing yourself to Tiger Woods and Michael Vick is the fastest way to win the Lord’s favor (he’s a big sports fan).
Tiger and Vick do not need to be playing sportsketball. They are set for LIFE. And Ted Haggard does not need to be comparing himself to Tiger and Vick, because he is lying to people in a barn.
“Lying to people in a barn” is the new “something or other” [help me out]
His METHods of preaching are very Queer.
Shh, Method Man may hear you; He’s got Scary metal Teef, now, and Scurry Eyes, andDontLookNowButHe’sRightOverYourHead!!
whatever…i’ve been having sex with dudes forever, but that doesnt make me gay…its all in how you do it…like just don’t have sex in a gay sort of way and its fine…
It’s NOT gay if a girl’s watching! That’s where the wife comes in.
It’s only gay if you’re the catcher.
Say all the homophobic rappers.
How would you ever know that you don’t like sushi (and continue to not like sushi!) unless you keep trying sushi again and again and again, right!? This is just his way of affirming his straightness!
Also, Tiger Woods needs to be having sex with lots of women. Michael Vick needs to be making dogs fight to the death.
Hey…whatever lifts your luggage!
This deserves more upvotes. Have some upvotes.
[I just Googled "upvote" and this is what came up. Neat! Tell more stories, Napoleon!]
Ugh and now the picture is huge and is going to slow down everyone’s computers. Sorry!
“Get off the stage!”- Everyone
I can’t wait for the crossover episode in which he preaches the Love of Jesus Christ to Kesha the toilet-paper eater, the small people from Little Chocolatiers, and the caribou Sarah Palin shot and killed on her show.
Cool wife, hahaha. Cool ANALYSIS! (for serious)
good news everybody…
Ok, seriously, fuck you TLC. You are the worst channel. I will make a banner tonight, then it will be official.
But I’m already missing Little People, Big World. Why did that show have to end!?
Wait, you’re right. With no LPBW, that channel is very obviously the worst now.
Remember back in the day when pretentious people would be like “I don’t watch TV, just TLC & the Discovery Channel”? In their faces! Ha!
I Haven’t been this self-satisfied since I went to lecture a Native South American tribe about their own customs.
I still have the History Chan- oh, wait. That is all 2012 theories and Lizard People exposes. You win this round, christrash!
Saw 30 seconds of a show last night on the History Channel where a guy tried to argue that Egyptian gods drawn with animal heads = aliens used the ancient Egyptians for genetic experiments.
In an unrelated note, I need a new TV because someone (could be anyone, really) put a coffee table through mine. Any recommendations?
UGH HISTORY CHANNEL’S ANCIENT ALIENS SHOW #petpeeves
wasn’t that the basis for the movie Stargate?
“I don’t watch MTV; I watch VH1.”
Are you LEARNING how bad it is just now?
I hate this man. His face just makes me angry. That and he looks like my boss, which doesn’t help.
you look poorly rendered today, are you feeling alright?
Yeah, I think I caught that 8-bit bug that’s been going around. *coughs up pixels*
This was inexplicably really, really cute.
I hate this man, but I am more mad at TLC for giving him, along with everything terrible, a platform. All in all, this post is saturated in terrible. QUIT BEING SO TERRIBLE, TED HAGGARD. AND TLC, ALL I AM LEARNING IS HOW MUCH I HATE YOU.
Yeah, I don’t know what bothers me worse, this or Sisters Wives. I’m really not okay with putting a positive spin on anti-social religious extremists.
A barn is nohomo for a Church.
Hey guys, I think I’m going to start my own church.
I just bought some of these:
Now I just need to procure a barn.
“Your plan to continue on with an illusory life sounds good. You are a preacher, after all” — Ted Haggard’s (non-existent?) therapist.
Actual picture of his barn.
I actually did this “Ha!” Who wants to photoshop Michael Vick and Tiger Woods into the closet?
Ted Haggard, you’re gay.
“I reject your reality and substitute my own. LALALALALALLALALLALALALALA CAN’T HEAR YOU LALALALALA”
“Gay men are very welcome in my rectory.” -Ted Haggard
how about that word “scandalous?” it should be used pejoratively. but we’ve been used to it being used kind of ironically to mean “titillating” since when, 100 years ago? 500 years ago?
but then there’s THIS fucking situation.
TLC: “hey people – want to see something SCANDALOUS?”
people: “haha, yeah, of course. you mean, like tits? or a story where someone does something illegal for their own gain, but gets caught and pays for it?”
TLC: “NOT AT ALL! Actually, a rambling pointless documentary miniseries about a mentally ill guy who has been completely disgraced but has still not begun the process of understanding himself or his mental illness, and so he’s agreed to let us follow him around and disgrace him more for money!”
“The only mental illness I have is homosexuali- I mean, NO I DON’T”
“Tiger Woods, Michael Vick, Ted Haggard.”
(opens envelope)
“Give three people for whom a bitch causes problems.”
#poortastegum
“HIYOOOOOOOO. You are correct sir!”
I think his serious case of gay face is all the proof we need….
“TLC’s making a documentary about my comeback!”
If there were ever a winning case of “gay mouth,” this guy’s got it.
His mouth is so gay!
I feel the italicized and capitalized wife was a bit much. Take it easy, Gabe.
?
To be fair, Ted Haggard types it that way too, but with a question mark.
Are you all upset that he’s not a happy openly gay man now? Why can’t he choose to keep his family together? Can’t that be his and his wife’s decision?
I don’t think anyone here has said they’re upset that he’s keeping his family together.
I’m pretty sure this is more about the fact that he won’t be honest with his wife or himself, and the hurtful lie that you can be “cured” of being gay.
I guess I was just surprised by how much people thought he should be an out gay man as they define it, including Gabe himself. If he’s using the word “cured” i certainly disagree with that. I guess his passion is leading a church and I’d rather have a church led by someone who has been extremely humbled than an egomaniac. Maybe he still is one though, cause reality tv? yuck. But, for others to decide that he IS gay and that he HAS to be out to be happy, is trying to control his sexuality and life in a manner I think we all would agree is wrong. I’m not a fan of this man at all. Just thinking about stuff.
You’re right, who are we to say that being honest about who you are will make you happy? I’m sure many gummers can attest to the joys and happiness that comes with lying to yourself and living a hollow shell of a life.
I’m sorry, but that was rude. And maybe he has made a personal decision that you don’t agree with but you know what, I think he gets to make that choice. Maybe he’s happy, maybe he’s not. But he gets to decide about his lifestyle just like the rest of us.
The issue isn’t that he’s stayed with his wife and is “living a lie” as you all believe. The issue is that he’s imposing his beliefs on others. I’d rather focus on the real problems. I didn’t realize so many of you were that concerned if Ted Haggard was happy or not.
So if you’re openly gay, your family automatically falls apart?
If your dysfunctional family is made of homophobes, yes.
No I wasn’t saying that. I apologize if that’s what you took from my comment. I’m probably not explaining myself well.
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You’re a strange one, ClownCoffee.
You’re a that one, That One.
That’s what they say.
I’m upset that he tries to make people miserable just because he is miserable.
That was a reply to kdiddy. Now I’m upset that my reply didn’t work. I blame you all for my mistake. Stop commenting now. I declare commenting evil.
“Tiger Woods needs to golf. Michael Vick needs to be playing football. Ted Haggard needs to be sucking lots of cock.”