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“Look, there’s no easy way to say this, but I think we should break up. I know. I’m sorry. What? Oh come on, your dad never liked me that much anyway, I don’t think he’s going to be that upset that I’m not there this year. Well when would you have LIKED for us to break up? There’s never going to be a good time, but don’t I get credit for at least being honest? No, I agree, yes, things have actually been pretty good between us. In some ways I’m just as surprised as you are. Well, right, OK, no, sorry, but you know what I mean. The thing is, we’ve kind of been on this, like, trajectory, right? Like things got serious and have been serious for awhile now, and we’re sort of heading towards the things that serious people who are serious together head towards. But I was watching TLC the other day…what are you laughing at? No that is NOT just a channel for sad women. Well, you keep laughing at me while I keep explaining to you why we are BREAKING UP. I’m not yelling, it’s just frustrating when you’re trying to be serious with someone who you care and respect a lot–I do TOO care about you, that’s not what this is. Anyway, I was watching TLC the other day and there was this woman on there named Kesha who is addicted to eating toilet paper? Like, she keeps toilet paper in her purse and is just constantly eating toilet paper? She especially likes going to the movies because it’s dark in there and you can just eat toilet paper during the whole movie? But, so, I was watching this thing and I realized that that’s what I have been looking for in a woman. Babe, I’m so sorry. No! No, don’t you see? You couldn’t have fixed us just by eating toilet paper because you’re not a woman addicted to eating toilet paper, it would have just been window-dressing on a broken situation. But, obviously, now that I know what I am looking for I need to get out of this death trap and go find it goodbyeeee Merry Christmas LOLOL.”
–You
I’ll admit that when Kesha acted like it was crazy that she would ever eat colored toilet paper because it has the dyes in it, I kind of understood what you see in her. She’s got a good sense of humor! (Thanks for the tip, Galen.)
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My girlfriend’s just killing two birds with one stone.
The joke being that if you eat toilet paper, then you poop toilet paper, and therefore there’s no need to wipe.
“I see what you did there.” – Everyone
“Oh, good.” – R2D2, Esq.
“That doesn’t mean it’s funny.” – Everyone
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
“I disagree. Also, ‘it’s'” — teacherman
“It’s even more funny when you explain it to us!” -everyone but sota
“It’s the funniest when gp unnecessarily explains the explanation!” -no one
This woman is Charminsane! (it begins)
Great Scott! You’re right!
aww you fucking asshole, you beat me…
damn my slow gif searching
That’s no reason to Marcall me an asshole!
I’m sorry…can I start over with a kleenex slate?
No need to make fun of the poor woman, she’s an Angel Soft.
Hey you guys are on a roll! Wakka, wakka!
Q: But what does she eat when she runs out of toilet paper?
A: Depends
“Can we confirm?”
“Yes, sir. This is a Grade 1 Excuse To Post Photos Of Adorable Puppies Playing With Toilet Paper”
“Excellent work, men”
why do the people who make these pictures assume that animals are very poor spellers.
I have to admit that I’m pretty sure my cat is an excellent speller. And should would most definitely not be typing cute, innocent phrases, but rather things such as:
“Shut the Fuck Up, I’m trying to sleep”
“Feed me asshole or I’ll knock all of your shit off of the coffee table.”
“Who the fuck are you to be lying in bed when I jump up from out of nowhere with my claws out. Clean up all of this blood, pussy.”
y’know, stuff like that.
I say we make our own very properly spelled and articulated set of picture captions. That sounds like the kind of Photoshop work I can waste an entire workday on.
my first entry into my “Cute animals who are also assholes” series:
also my first entry into my “Picture inexplicably getting cut off and thus ruining everything” series.
And do you feed your cat asshole or does she have to eat Friskies like the rest of us?
I said she could spell. I never said she was the queen of grammar.
you have a point.
here, have another biscuit.
also, that dog could be on the side of the arc. it’s ears are long enough.
This Kesha eats toilet paper. The other Ke$ha produces shit. Circle of life.
All my upvotes are belong to you!
At least somebody is trying to improve the reputation of Keshas in this world!
“Well, lots of people do things because they like how it feels on their tongue.” — Ke$ha
I can’t stand the taste/texture of popsicle sticks and this seems similar enough that this video is kind of making me gag.
Thanks Gabe.
#worstChristmasever
I always eat the last few licks of the popsicle in dread of the approaching wood taste. But something compels me to carry on, and after the popsicle is gone, I end up chewing on the stick for like a full minute until it is just a soggy pile of splinters in my mouth, totally ruining the minimal pleasure I got from the popsicle to begin with. I blame Catholicism.
How does an addiction like this begin? Did she fall mouth-first into a toilet?
Maybe she was just on the toilet with nothing to read? Lord knows I get a little irrational when I forget to bring a magazine to the commode with me.
the serpent is you.
What does she wipe with?
sandwiches?
She must be a toilet roll snob; I couldn’t see her putting any cheap bog roll down her throat, that’s like fast food tissue. She needs the good organic, recycled stuff; all brand, all the time….
I was really glad when she clarified what ply she prefers. I would have spent the whole day wondering if this is one of those situations where a thicker sheet is actually a negative.
Almost 3 minutes worth of video and no suggestions for wine parings? Worthless, TLC, worthless.
duh…
A red wine with white toilet paper? Plus, a shiraz would totally overpower the flavor of even the thickest Charmin. C’mon booyamachine, get your head in the game.
Does it need to be one-ply or two? Recycled or not? Does she have preferences depending on the day? These are the things I think about while bored at work.
“Please stop eating my Mummy costume.” — Poor kids.
Was anyone else even half-tempted to just put some TP on their tongue to see what this woman was talking about? I don’t think I actually will… but I’ve been thinking about it
Trip report:
I just tried it and it is indeed fun to put it in your mouth. Tiny gossamer little torn squares. It melts and flattens itself down onto your tongue like the best, fattest snowflakes you ever caught, and I had visions of closing my eyes and tilting my head back for on the first snowday of the year. It feels a little magical. And then suddenly it is all flattened and soggy and spittled and you realize you have toilet paper in your mouth and literally the last thing in the entire world you want to do is eat it (or anything ever again). So I spit it out.
Plus I think I found a staple in it.
staples in food. the new m night shyamalan twist ending. this is becoming a meme around here.
thanks for taking one for the team
It is good that you found the staple that way.
Would it be worth it for someone else to try? I am strangely tempted…
Go for it. TP man, it’s the only way to fly.
Great, now I have dysentery.
I just did it. It was not good.
I fold mine into little origami cranes first and then pretend I’m eating an ortolan.
Tradition demands that you drape additional toilet paper over your head while you do that.
Midnight showings of Rocky Horror must be like a buffet for her.
At the late night, double feature, picture show
I ate two rolls – Oh oh oh oh
She’ll eat Angel Soft, Quilted Northern; other brands that have quelled
(or cowed): White Cloud, Store Brand, Cottonelle
Such an effort! If she only knew what’s in store:
In just seven days, she will have a bezoar-oar-oar-oar-oarrrr.
I will have to ruminant on it, but I think that’s the best use of the word bezoar I’ve ever seen.
You know she won’t eat the colored
You know she’ll just eat the whi-i-iiiite
Just roll it up in ball
And then go in for a bi-ii-ite
But it’s the folks who eat food that really think you’re insaa-aa-aaaane,
Let’s Eat The Scott Roll Again!
My friend Tom and I once had a female roommate with whom we shared a bathroom. She was the first adult female I ever shared a bathroom with long-term and she had interesting habits, such as conducting Wiccan ceremonies in there and getting candle wax all over the toilet. In what I believe to be an unrelated bathroom habit, she used toilet paper at an astonishing rate. We would buy a whole Costco raft of the stuff and it would be gone in about a week. After 7-8 weeks, we convened a Household Meeting, at which Tom and I proposed that we remove TP from the Communal Household budget and each procure our own stock. She flipped out. “That’s not fair! Girls use more!” She raised such a stink that we felt bad and caved. However, for the next several months before she moved out (presumably because sick of living with boys), we would bang on the door whenever she was in there and yell stuff like, “You better not be eating all the toilet paper!” Now I realize she was.
Hotspur, you always have the best stories.
Excellently told, too! Hotspur, this memoir was David Sedaris good.
Seriously – look at all the monsters waiting for Hotspur at the next pizza party….
Why is hotspur so great?
as long as she doesn’t eat da poo poo, i see no problems here
And when she wants an extra-special treat:
(THIS IS A REAL THING THAT EXISTS PEOPLE: link, google image search)
hey, you may laugh, but poor kesha hasn’t been invited to a bridal shower for years because she keeps eating the fake wedding dresses.
Holy shit this girl lives where I grew up