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There are a number of ways in which Gwyneth Paltrow is terrible. There is her self-satisfaction and her condescension and her choices in baby names and Tracy Anderson and her lifestyle newsletter and the fact that she has adopted Britishisms like using “stone” as a weight measurement without any seeming awareness of how this appears to other people. That, in general, is the main problem, the disconnect between how she seems to think she is perceived and how she is actually perceived. But one way in which Gwyneth Paltrow is usually NOT terrible is in her work. She’s a perfectly decent actress! She can play make believe for millions of dollars with the best of them. But this Country Strong thing, I mean, yikes. Maybe the parts where she is talking or whatever are fine, but this singing thing is tough stuff. And it’s only getting tougher. Today, I bring you a new clip from Country Strong of Gwyneth Paltrow singing an original song called “Shake That Thing.” It is very bad!
The list gets longer with her. Always. Put it up on the big board. (Thanks for the tip, Michael.)
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This is the opposite of Christmas present.
I sure hope it isn’t Christmas future.
Is she trying to flash us her “GOOP.” Pull that skirt down, woman!
Ewwwwwwwwww…
Is GOOP the worst euphemism for vagina? Or the best euphemism for vagina?
It’s certainly not the worst. That would be GASH, which coincidentally is also the name of Gina Gershon’s lifestyle newsletter.
GASH is also coincidentally the name of Gina Gershon’s GOOP.
You’re wrong. The correct answer is twat.
GOOP doesn’t sound like a euphemism for vagina, it sounds more like… nevermind I’ll stop there.
http://jezebel.com/5714516/the-pocket-guide-to-vaginal-euphemisms–their-meanings
She lost me at “Let’s show people why country music is the best damn music in the whole world.”
Best accent ever, btw.
After listening to this guy’s music, of course she would think so.
Didn’t Sharpie Tattoos on your hands go out when we were 13? Although it does look like Mr Martin has upped the ante, 40-year-old style, by masking that one with scotch tape to make sure the edges all came out straight. Good job, Mr Martin. Very 40. Very rock.
Wait, so now he’s trying to LOOK like a watered-down Thom Yorke, instead of just trying to sound like him?
“… by comparing and contrasting it to whatever the hell this is that I’m singing.”
I don’t know, I think she nailed that one note that made up about 80% of the song.
“Move it up, move it down, take that country into tooooooown” What? On so many levels: What?
Also I imagine she’s talking about a faulty toilet flush level in a dive bar restroom where you first have to “shake that thing” to make it work, but also you see a dude scratchin’ because of the 8-ball he just put in his veins (that was one of the lyrics, right?).
Sorry, a “faulty loo lorrie.”
AAAH MAKE IT STOP!
What’s that Doc? You want some more? OK
Want to never stop laughing? Look at her legs and make the “nom nom nom” sound.
THISIS*MY*NIGHTMARE
Damnit, Frank, how am I going to explain to my boss that I just guffawed at spreadsheets?
I think she is losing it, if she ever had it.
Needs more chicks in Iron Man suits.
OHH YEEAAHHHHH
GWYNETH DOES DOUBLE DREAM HANDS!
Don’t be a hater. You gotta shake that thing, Gabe. And I find that the best way to shake it is with this silver cocktail shaker from Ralph Lauren! It retails for just $195!
“Dancing on the flatbed/Everybody’s getting hot.”
Hot? You really chickened out on that line, Paltrow.
Everybody’s getting lattes?
Everybody’s Getting Fed?
…ohhhhhhh
is there a gif of her shakespear in love strip scene that you guys can post here since I dont want to rent that movie?
“Save a horse, ride a lorrie” – Gwyneth Paltrow
“Mums, don’t let yer lads grow up to cattle gents.”
“I don’t get it, why are you booing? I am one of you all.”
Polythene Pam, stop making me laugh so much at work!
“My heroes have always been cow lorry knackerknickers.” (I am doing it right)
cow lorry knackerknickers is the title of the next steven king book which is about some horror shit up in rural new england
“Lad named Sir Sue Fezzington-Coxgrove”
“I’m chuffed to be a lorry-driver’s daughter!”
It’s Country music, it’s supposed to be terrible*
*current mainstream country music
Seriously, this doesn’t sound that different to me than that chick who’s always murdering Joan Jett before Monday Night Football.
I was just sitting here wondering what a denim-covered plank of wood singing a MOR crossover country song would look like.
Mystery solved.
Oh you were not and you know it!!!
You got me, the plank would actually be singing dubstep, but I amended it for the purposes of this conversation.
She gained weight for this role? Are you kidding me? Shut up with your fried chicken stories, you are not one of us.
If she was playing an actress who awkwardly tries to portray a confident country singer, she nailed it.
Can someone who knows how to do such things please make me a gif of Gwyneth getting punched in her stupid face by Jude Law? Because that would just be the best.
It is amazing how the digitally created an audience to be interested in her singing.
suck it Avatar
I wonder if they’ll digitally create an audience to be interested in this movie, because seriously, who the eff is going to see this movie?
I don’t know what “that thing” is, but I would like her to stop shaking it.
Every time I see the name of this movie I think that it is “Country Song”. What a dumb movie name.
Is there a synonym for “authentic” that’s, like, a stronger word? Like, super-authentic? Because that (hypothetical) word just really applies to everything in that clip, on the reals. Someone needs to invent that word, so I can use it when I’m explaining to my family why I missed Christmas to set up camp outside my local Fandango offices.
“Pauthentic”?
The lesson of this song is if one ain’t got it, one flaunts it harder, I guess?
The crowd really seems into it. I wonder how much they were paid.
And now the book.
http://eater.com/archives/2010/12/17/first-look-at-gwyneth-paltrows-cookbook-my-fathers-daughter.php
“I came across an axiom in a passage from a culinary memoir called Heat in which the author, Bill Buford, observes the following: ‘You can divide people into two categories in life: cooks and bakers.’”
Fuck.
Excellent performance by Gwyneth! As good or as bad as Shania Twain and accurately reflecting the essential bad taste at the heart of Country Music.
Gwyneth paltrow this I like her very much my favourite actress liked her so much in Sky captain and the world of tomorrow the perfect murder great expectations shakespeare in love love her apple martin too lol.
Ultra Bronze