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Towards the end of every year, in Hollywood, some Ari Gold (the brother of former Bartlett White House Chief of Staff Rahm Gold) named Franklin Leonard compiles his “Black List” based off the input of 300 of the entertainment industry’s power brokers. The Black List is a list of the “best” unproduced screenplays written that year and the 2010 Black List was released today. It includes your regular assembly of charming hitmen, and aging rock stars facing their aging demons, and sexual journeys of self-discovery involving pastries, and what have you. Neat! I hope that everyone on the list gets one million dollars handed to them in a canvas bag with a big dollar sign printed on it. Of course, as is the annual tradition, another Black List was also released today, Gabe Delahaye’s Annual List of Unproduced Imaginary Movies That He Just Made Up. This goes over great ever year and it just keeps going over greater. Who doesn’t want to read a hastily and yet somehow lazily cobbled together list of make believe movie titles for no good reason? (For reference to just how fantastic and beloved this annual feature is, please see Gabe Delahaye’s 2008 Black List and Gabe Delahaye’s 2009 Black List.)
So, without further ado: the year in unproduced imaginary movies:
Cotton Flowers
My Daughter Is On That Plane!
Divorces
My Friend The Magic Retard
Vagina Mountain
Someone Named Daniel
King Kong Dot Com
The Sad Wedding
Black Rape 2
Every year I believe there is no way that it could possibly be stupider than the year before, and every year I prove myself wrong by making it the stupidest.
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The Beaver.
Well think I speak for everyone when I announce my excitement for the most recent name removed from The Black List: Mel Gibson’s ‘The Beaver’
“I can’t believe it took so long for this movie to make its way to the $4.99 basket at your local Wal-Mart.” -Jodie Foster, Director
Jodie Foster is making me question the value of loyalty, really.
Also, I saw you on the train in Boston this morning, Notsewfast–your mom was pushing you in a stroller and your headphones* were huge! You both got off at the Longwood stop and headed toward the food court.
*I wish they had been earmuffs, because that would have made sense. But they were truly enormous and amazing headphones. I wonder what you were listening to.
Jay-z and Sbarro, that’s how I start my week. Don’t judge me.
Yet again, my coming of age script for How Big Was my Dining Room: The Story of Lilbobbytables, Lady Adventurer languishes in obscurity.
Yes. that is the title. Languishing in obscurity is an artistic choice, you see.
“How Big Was My Dining Room”: The first film in the acclaimed action film series, Steve Buscemi stars as Lil Bobby Tables, a reserved librarian who discovers that her dining room is actually the portal to a dangerous world ruled by hyper-intelligent, but very small and cute, mice bent on total world domination. Directed by Stuart Gordon (2018)
The Keyboard
As The Calendar Ends
A Desk Lamp Asks Not
Death And Hand Sanitizer
Other Items from a Desk
“The Keyboard”: A young keyboard (Danny Pudi) begins work at an accounting firm for a global corporation. The keyboard stumbles upon an elaborate money laundering scheme and falls in love with a stapler (Maura Tierney) who may or may not be the shadowy secretary of the Board of Directors. Directed by Werner Herzog. (2019)
“A racially charged masterwork the both emancipates and eviscerates the meaning of function keys . . . Had it been picked up, the tape dispenser scene would have been sure to generate awards season buzz. Mark Ruffalo is rumored to have been cast in that role, but the screen writer insisted that they shoot on location in London…” – Rolling Stone
This hits especially close to home because yesterday I spilled salad dressing on my keyboard and now the “one” and “esc” keys don’t work. I think it’s probably a metaphor for our inability to “escape” the loneliness of the human condition. Also a casualty: the exclamation point. Because the eventual product of all this social alienation is a dulling of affect–a numbness that we gather around ourselves to insulate against the bleak and solitary alienation of the modern world/salad dressing.
“Death and Hand Sanitizer”: This comedy stars Alan Thicke and Ringo Starr as aging cat burglars dreaming about one last big heist, the theft of the Death’s Head Diamond. Rene Russo stars as a down on her luck FBI agent who loves both men and has a deathly allergy to diamonds. Directed by Jonathan Lipnicki. (2017)
I’m not even kidding when I say I’d watch anything with Ringo Starr in it, especially a comedic heist film.
Thank goodness this movie comes out in 2017. The world ends in 2012, so none of us will ever have to see it.
Dude, where’s my Segway?
Too soon.
I’m currently penning (that’s the verb we use in the biz) a biopic for our own Steve Winwood. Any title suggestions?
Plagiarist Screenplay
It’s obviously “He’s Pretty Colon the Steve Winwood story Comma When Animatronic Bears Attack Exclamation Point”
Damn! You beat me to it in all respects. Thumbs up!
Rad: How One Monster Changed The Face Of One Blog
“He’s Cute: The Life and Times of an Animatronic Troll”
and it’s sequel
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
FIIIIRST! or How I Learned That Racism is Evil and to Love Abortions: PSYCHE!
Steve Winwood: No, Not the Musician, Dad
????????????: The Steve Winwood Story
I think this one takes the cake.
Hey… that can be my next project!
“Baby Friday Takes The Cake (or Death)”
(showing myself out)
There’s one question mark for each riddle of Winwood’s existence.
(Also–thanks! Looking forward to “BFTTCOD” starring Jaime Pressley and Norma Shearer, of course.)
Steve Winwood or: How I Learned to Stop Giving a Care, Friend and Love to Troll
I meant to reply this to yours, Doc. FAIL!
Epic Fail: The Monsters Guide to Posting
Hidden due to low comment rating or how i learned to stop worrying and love Steve Winwood.
Ok, so I’ve scrapped the idea of writing a screenplay and instead am just going to replace Mark Wahlberg’s head in Boogie Nights with Steve’s.
Much better.
Someone please do this. Superimpose our avatars heads on Boogie Nights characters JibJab style.
WHICH HEAD?
Sorry. This is not a funny joke. But it is a necessary joke.
It’s the joke we deserve.
Hot or Not: The Steve Winwood Story
Tampon the Road
As a vagina-haver, I probably shouldn’t have laughed as hard as I did at that, but too late. You rule.
this could become a BNPG
Fast Times at Wasilla High
Untitled Gwenyth Paltrow Holocaust Biopic
Gwenyth Paltrow is The Holocaust
And Katie Holmes’ boobs in The Gift are the opposite of the Holocaust
I keep going back to look at this, and it gets funnier every time.
The story of a sensitive nurse at a German military hospital who gradually becomes aware of the horrors of the camps through a sensitive romance with a sensitive soldier (a former classically trained musician who has gone psychosomatically deaf from shell shock).
Both she and the soldier do nothing to stop the atrocities, bar writing about it in their diaries. Their days are spent pining and staring into each others eyes over a white, mostly featureless expanse of bed and empty ward , while slowly losing their sense of touch and taste, thus showing how war desensitizes even the very best and most dietarily correct of us. Planned running time: 5 hours.
Being Jon Gosselin
Schindler’s Twist: A Musical
Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. The twist is a dance.
Snow Falling on Cedars…oh wait.
An Incontinent Man
Here’s my list:
Teen Frankenstein
Cool Soundtrack: the Movie
It’s Not Racist If We Make Fun of Everyone!
Color: 3D
Good vs. Evil
Pretty solid list, if you ask me!
“Teen Frankenstein: 3D: the Musical Movie”: This controversial erotic horror film reunites Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal for the first time since winning all of the Oscars for “Love and Other Drugs.” In “Frankenstein” the young couple play a pair of robots with the heads of tapirs sent to Mars to search for signs of life. They cry for three hours and then stand naked for forty minutes. Directed by James L. Brooks (2038)
Mans, you are KILLING it. I mean, you always kill it, but you are extra killing it in this thread.
“Cool Soundtrack: the Movie”: Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Natalie Portman star in this coming-of age tale/romantic comedy. Todd (Gordon-Levitt) a regular every day guy, is going through an emotional breakdown when he meets Lilly (Portman), a free spirit who convinces him to let go if the things that are weighing him down, like his great job, nice clothes, and the pains of being tolerable to society. Also starring Peter Sarsgaard.
Soundtrack featuring bands that haven’t released anything yet, and will get ‘Best New Music’.
It’s Not Racist if We Make Fun of Everyone: Mel Gibson and Vince Vaugn roam the countryside shooting people for some important reason (terrorism?) while making wisecracks. And accompanied by a cute dog.
I really hope Salsa Dog gets cast in this one
#birdie4cutedog
I respect Birdie too much to put her alongside Mel Gibson
Supporting cast includes Dane Cook and Jeff Dunham.
Magnolia Paint
Ordinary based on the novel Pull by Ruby
Gabe, I’m pretty sure if we just searched the internet for a second we’d find about 20 real “movies” already named “Vagina Mountain”.
The Oppenheimer Theorem
Born to Fart
Escape From the Spider Kingdom
The Furries and Me: One Yiff to Many
The Man Who Stared at Cats: The Gabe Delahaye Story
“Escape from Spider Kingdom”: This reboot of “Last Year at Marienbad,” directed by Academy Award winner Michael Bay, stars Morgan Freeman and Helen Mirren as a couple hired by a shadowy government agency to kill a house full of magic spiders. The film pays homage to its source material by being totally baffling. (2012)
“Born to Fart”: Robbie (Jeff Dunham) has a very special “gift.” He farts all the time! But will he make it to the national farting championship? Not without the help of his very special racist puppet friends! Join Robbie on a magical journey though the wacky world of professional farting and racism as he uncovers the secret of his father’s true identity!
American Idol: The Movie
American Idiot: The Musical: The Movie
One Time Baby: The Ballad of Justin Bieber
Oh yeah, they’re pretty much making that. IN 3D.
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Scabies
I just upvoted something from 2009.
“I Just Upvoted Something From 2009: The Polythene Pam Story”
Howard The Duck: The Quack is Back
Benj3d starring Birdie
(Ignore the poor clone stamping and just pay attention to the fact that Birdie took a bite out of the Oscar.)
The Longest Login
Worst Disaster Ever: Donald Glover vs. The Spiderman Casting Director (Roland Emmerich attached to direct)
if you could get Donald Glover to play himself, I’d watch it
Le Natiotionale Lampoone’s Degas Vacation
Golden Compass
Charlotte, A Life With Tourette’s
The Taco Incident
That’s My Great-Uncle!
CNR (Charles Nelson Reilly biopic)
Undercover Wet Nurse
Four Douchebags and Someone’s Baby
Everybody Loves Raymond: The Movie
Would totes watch CNR
Hollywood Square, Confirmed Bachelor, Legend
CNR- starring Paul Lynde as Charles Nelson Reilly
Now, brrrrrian. I don’t think a movie could contain that much sass.
Google Reader must be a slow feed reader! I click on this as it appears and there are already 27 comments! Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 30. I am shockingly unimpressive at this benchmark!
You should rethink your title, that’s not going to fit on a marquee.
Hand Model vs. Predator
Stop Playing Catch With That Dead Boy!
Croooow and Tom Servo: a Slashfiction
Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter And I Had Sex
First!1!!
Blow Me! The uncensored story of Mel Gibson
Not enough asterisks in that title
Stealing University of Delaware
Harpist on the Roof
The Brett Farve Chronicals
Teenage Mutant Ninja NBA ALLSTARS
….Brave Cone Dog
&
Smatch sme smif smou sman!
Vagina Mountain 2: Finding Mt. Clitoris
Vagina Mountain 4: Scaling Mons Pubis
Vagina Mountain 5: Scaling down after reaching the peak
Vagina Mountain 3: Volcanic Eruptions and Slippery Slopes
“The G-Spot is not a myth, I have seen it.”
I’m currently writing a purposefully awful screenplay with a friend of mine. When it is done I will be sure to share it with you all.
Good Morning
IraqAfghanistanIranNorth Korea!Love is Lovely (Jennifer Aniston attached)
Frat House Doctors
Who Killed “Who Killed The Electric Car”
Diff’rent Strokes: The Movie
Zombie Pediatricians
The Sassiest Old Folks Home in Michigan (Diane Keaton attached)
Pease n Karrots (Buddy cop movie. Shia LaBeouf rumored. Burce Willis directiing)
These Projects Be Dancin’
Sexy Vampires
Fart Movie (Aaron Seltzer directing)
Bleak House 3D
Untitled Tila Tequila Movie (Paul Thomas Anderson rumored to direct)
Beans!
The Sewers of Babylon, NY
I like Tim Meadows as the strict police chief in “Pease n Karrots”
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Whoever downvoted me is a total racist.
Give all the oscars to These Projects Be Dancin’ now please
Dennis: the Real True Life Story of a Colorblind Tennis Shoe
The Girl Had Footwarts
Terror at Coachella
Dipped in Luck 2: Twice Dipped
See You In Bangor!
Hip Hop Hood: Can’t Handle Dese Jamz!
Smells Like Love
The Third Man 2: Man 4
The 3ird Man: 5ifth Time Lucky
Pretty/Lonely
Surely: The Leslie Nielsen Story
Balls Deep!
Jingle jangle Shaky Camera Vintage Dresses Love Story
Not Another Torture Porn Movie
(Something) grating on your nerves but the soundtrack will be good and the people pretty so yeah.
Eat Pray Love 2: Starve Blaspheme Hate
But I never saw Black Rape 1. I’m going to be totally lost.
- Ninja Ghost Wizard Fight
- Untitled Channing Tatum Shirtless Movie
- Untitled Channing Tatum Shirtless Movie 2
- Untitled Channing Tatum Shirtless Movie 3
- Untitled Channing Tatum Shirtless Movie 4
- Untitled Terrible Nic Cage Movie that I will undoubtedly watch and kind of like
The Nic Cage movie was
Con Air 2
I was thinking along the lines of Con Air 2: Season of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice
The Divine Secretions of Topher Grace’s Ya-Ya Penis
(Sorry.)
I only have one movie on my blacklist. It is called “Looking for a Submarine!” and it’s basically just Hunt for the Red October directed by Michele Gondry. Spoiler alert: the submarine is played by a real caterpillar!
Oh and also a buddy cop movie starring Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg called Nerd Cop/Nerd Cop
My Family (lead role was written for Harrison Ford)
This Ain’t Temple Grandin XXX
This Ain’t Hardcore Gay Pornography XXX (Note: contains graphic gay pornography)
There are so many terrible movie ideas on the black list. The life story of a White House butler? Boys scouts vs. Zombies? Tens of terrible romantic comedy ideas? A screenplay by Wentworth Miller of “Prison Break” fame? Something called “Fucking Jane Austen”? What the hell is this?
But the winner:
HOVERCAR 3D by Blaise Hemingway
“Stop drilling, you’ve hit oil! By the way, awesome name.” – Hollywood
“Motherf… they stole my idea!” – Gabe
Oh man. I am already looking forward to WMOAT – HOVERCAR 3D.
My Favorite Shoes
Bald Eagle Firework Gunmetal Explosion!
The Machinations of the Egregious Dr Adipose Thackery
Golf Romp
Attack of the Pinatas
Do You Like Me? – Jennifer Aniston in a career-defining role. Again.
The Wizard of Zombie Oz
or
The Zombie Wizard of Oz
So good it needed to be repeated from an old post. Do you hear that Hollywood?!
real movie on the real black list:
KITCHEN SINK by Oren Uziel
“A human teenager, a vampire, and a zombie must save their town from an alien invasion.”
I’m going to guess the teenager and vampire do most of the heavy lifting.
Jazzercise: The Movie
Dial Tone Charlie
From Wealth to Stealth
Sunday’s Tribulations
Vines of Entrapment: Entrapment Vines
WASP and Circumstance
Sweaters From a Consistent Person
Four Lokos and a Funeral
Vegan? It’s Me Again
This Film Is About Xylophones
The Last MILF
The Banner Ad is Blocking My Login Form
My Two Dads’ Two Dads
Rapaport In Rockport
Motel HBO: The Movie
Computer Animated Personal Care Products
Computer Animated Workout Equipment
Computer Animated Houseplants
Computer Animated Deep Sea Trench Creatures
Computer Animated Graduate Students
Computer Animated Computer Animators
Computer Animated Computer Animators: Extended Cut
This English-language Film Has An Asian as the Lead Protagonist
Untitled M. Night Project (the twist is that the title card appears at the end of the movie)
Baker’s Cousin
Robots in France
Phat Camp
World War Web
The Empty Box
Woman, What I Can Do, You Can’t Tell to Nobody
Dinosaur Army
Big Bertha’s Sunday Service
Under Duress
National Pastimes
Hanukkah in the Hamptons
Stewie Middleton and the Guardians of the Levitating Tome
Glen Beck’s 3D Cumsplosion
Life Without Superpowers
A Love Letter to Videogum
Hi there–
I have decided to write you a love letter. Since there is no “Love Letters” post conveniently located for my commenting pleasure, I will make it work and write this letter on the funniest post of the day.
I have been an avid videogum reader since the beginning. I used to check this site two or three times a day, and sometimes I would check and then check right back in case something had been posted and I had had a seizure and not noticed it. I thought Gabe and Lindsay made an awesome team—Lindsay was a great Odie to Gabe’s Garfield (with gwenyth paltrow playing the role of Nermal) *PS: I’m sure Gabe and Lindsay got along better than did Garfield and Odie, but I use the analogy in a comedy duo way, not bff way*
Anyway, when Lindsay left, I, like many other people, was sad. *moment of silence* However, I knew that Gabe was sticking around, and was happy. *moment of jubilation* Then, things started to get weird. A little while after she left, I wasn’t digging the posts as much anymore. I used to open like 7 or 8 tabs per visit, and suddenly I was only opening one or two. Then none. I’m not sure what happened, maybe I was at a weird stage in my life, maybe the Lindsay’s-gone kinks were being ironed out, but videogum just wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I stopped visiting the page at all.
Cut to six months later (which was a few months ago), and I stumble upon videogum again. And that day I opened six tabs. SIXTABS ! Imagine my delight. Then the next day I opened 5 TABS! And ever since then I have been opening MANY MANY TABS every day!
Also, I’d like to write a word about the commenters. They are super awesome. Whenever I come to videogum, I get a double treat because Gabe’s posts are funny and then I read the comments and they are SO FUNNY too! (except steve winwood) I don’t know where the commenters came from, because when i left for that short period of time, there were not many commenters and the ones there were weren’t all that funny. but holy wow, you guys, you are funny! america’s next top commenter goes to all of you! To continue my awesome Garfield analogy, you commenters are like that show within a show that was on the Garfield cartoon that took place at the farm. wertrew (sp?) is like the pig (orson?) who is all knowledgeable and wise, thisismynightmare is the girl sheep who yells a lot, steve winwood is obviously that jackass rooster that no one likes but everyone would miss if he went away, and i haven’t decided who the crazy hypochondriac duck in the inflatable tube with the smaller duck head on it (that was weird). oh, also, birdie is pooky.
ANY Way, I guess what I’m trying to say is that videogum has been “Killing It” lately, and I look forward to coming here every day. I just thought i should tell you that. Hugs and/ or Kisses, SA
Welcome back, SA!
No, don’t leave!
You really know a lot about Garfield.
i may or may not have the series on DVD.
Kissing 3D!
Sally Forth: The Movie!
‘Til Meth Do Us Part should totally be a Lifetime movie.
– Escape from Hollywood: the Randy & Evi Quaid Story
– Sea Monkeys 3D
– That Giant Black Cat Thing That People See in Scotland or Wherever- from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan. (in 3D in select theatres)
– DreamWorks’ School for Sasquatches
– And Then The iPhone Vibrated… (Based on the Japanese horror hit “日本語 そしてiPhoneは振動した”)
– Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Awwww, actually that last one I want to happen for reals.