Photos
The Tourist opens today, you guys, and it looks terrible. It stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp (and I bet you that the person who wrote the screenplay would tell you that as far as they are concerned Venice is the real star of the movie) in some kind of madcap (but not silly madcap? Like, Oscar madcap?) mistaken identity spy/murder/something thriller. Angelina Jolie meets Johnny Depp on a train and seduces him but then people want to kill Johnny Depp because they think he’s Angelina Jolie’s boyfriend and he’s like “ROOM SERVICE HELP!” Something like that? But then I think it’s also one of those things where, like, by the end of the movie Johnny Depp proves himself to be somehow very good at shooting a gun while driving a boat over a ramp into a helicopter, and even Angelina Jolie, a terrible person who put a stranger’s life in danger in an attempt to escape international murder cartels over some other equally serious crime is like “may I kiss you?” One of those movies. It just looks dumb! Whatever, maybe it’s great! Although I was talking to a friend about movie trailers the other day, not The Tourist trailer, but the trailer for The Town, actually–you guys know how it is when you’re talking about the trailer for a movie that has already come and gone from theaters months ago, it’s called a conversation, look it up–and I was saying that my friend’s critique of The Town as not being very good (I still have not seen) made sense because the trailer was weird, and we live in a time in herstory where trailers are so heavily produced and thoroughly codified that even most bad movies can have really great and exciting and compelling trailers, so if there’s something off about your trailer where the movie looks bad IN THE TRAILER, then the movie itself probably has some very serious problems. See also: the trailer for The Tourist, is my point.
But, so, I have a question about The Tourist:
Why does Hollywood think that everyone will be excited just because Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are in a movie together? Have you noticed that? All of the promotional hum surrounding the movie is all about how exciting it is that THE Johnny Depp will finally “share the screen” with THE Angelina Jolie. Uh, so what? Correct me if I am wrong, but aren’t they both movie stars? So, then, the excitement is that they are both doing their jobs? And how come we are supposed to be excited when they are the ones getting millions of dollars and a free European vacation? You know, come to think of it, movie stars almost never talk about how exciting it is to get millions of dollars and free vacations. They should talk about that more! It seems REALLY exciting, and I know that talking about how much money you make or how many free luxurious first class European vacations you get might seem kind of gauche, but come on. SMILE AT LEAST. But, so, does my question make sense? Can someone answer my question? This isn’t Heat 2: Hotter. Although there again: we’re just talking about movie stars being in movies, I do not understand the fuss. You know, when Jungle 2 Jungle came out in 1997 it was the first time Time Allen and Jo Beth Williams had ever appeared in a movie together and no one said a word.
Hmm. I know this is kind of a lot of words just to bring up a very minor point that I happened to be thinking about. Deal with it. Oh, and also, here’s a dancing hamster!
And a cat reading a newspaper!
Is that better, you COMPLAINING LAZYBONES? TGIFRIDAY! GO SEE THE TOURIST HAHA JUST KIDDING PROBABLY. (Both videos via Arbroath.)
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I remember like a year ago when they were filming this, there were all sorts of stupid and pointless media rumors about how Angelina Jolie was totally raiding Johnny Depp’s tomb or whatever, and how she was going to leave Twelve Monkeys for Edward Scissorhands. Now it’s clear that those rumors were created to distract the masses from the fact that the movie itself looks pretty terrible.
Gabe, you had me at “dancing hamster”.
Of all the previews of this movie I’ve seen, I don’t know what this movie is about. The writeup Gabe gave here is the most I know about this movie.
You know, Hollywood, you are making me feel bad for mocking my friend’s attempts at amateur filmmaking, because if I recall correctly, his movie about Spock solving a murder is actually much, much better than this.
Spock solving a murder = Sherlock Holmes
And now I’m envisioning an aging Jeremy Brett travelling back in time to talk to Benedict Cumberbatch in a Starfleet uniform.
I am going to take this opportunity to express my love for the names of actors who play Sherlock Holmes. I feel like there needs to be a rule about have an exceedingly excellent English name to truly play the Great Detective. CASE AND POINT: Benedict Cumberbatch, Basil Rathbone.
Did this comment thread just will this picture into existence?!?!?
Elementary, Dear Lilbobbytables
Great fucking book! It has Nimoy holding conversations with Spock. And Spock isn’t real, he’s just this character the guy played!
Was Scotty possessed by Jack the Ripper again?
the hamster reminded me of this
I like that that gif has a photobomb in it.
This movie = meh, but I would definitely pay to see a stolen/mistaken identity movie starring Jack White and Johnny Depp. Obviously, the theme song would be “I’m Slowly Turning into You”. Your move, Hollywood.
On a related White Stripes note, I went to get groceries yesterday, and all of a sudden, in between all of the Christmas music, they played a jazz cover of “Seven Nation Army.” Why?! WHYYYYY.
But your idea is the greatest. They are totally twinsies!
To be honest, I’d be really interested in a jazz White Stripes cover album. That way you could listen to good music at a fancy dinner party rather than the usual adult contemporary.
True, but could it at least not be terrible? Because the version I heard was really terrible.
yes, the less terrible the better.
There is no such thing as a good jazz version of any song.
For you, DuckDuck;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKwQ_zeRwEs
I didn’t say there is no such thing as a good jazz song (I actually like jazz..) I’m talking about jazzed-up versions of non-jazz songs, my particular pet peeve being jazzy Christmas songs.
All the downvotes in the world will not me back down on this point.
and now I will be imagining the bass line from this version I have never heard for the rest of the workday!
I think Depp looks more Eddie Vedder here. He needs a few weeks away from the sun to pull off Jack White.
Sometimes I feel like the only person who really doesn’t care about either of these actors. Like, apparently Johnny Depp is actually a really nice person, but I only like maybe half the movies he’s in? And I’ve never thought Angelina Jolie was such a completely spectacular actress that warranted all the attention she gets. Anyway, I think funny animal videos should accompany every post today. It feels right.
agreed….if it doesn’t involve cute/funny animals, i don’t want to see it.
“Anyway, I think funny animal videos should accompany every post today. It feels right.”
From your fingertips to Gabe’s corneas.
I like Johnny Depp well enough, I think his problem is consistency. Not the lack of consistency, just he’s just pretty good in all of his movies. He’s great at making a character, and it’s fun to see him do it (Jack Sparrow was such a great performance). But, it gets overwhelmingly boring when he’s just… acting.
This sounds weird and my grasp on the English language is passing at best, so forgive me if this makes no sense.
I get you. I think my problem with him sometimes is that HE’S good, but the movies aren’t. So then it gets awkward because you want to like the movie…but you just can’t.
@ “slimer” it’s a little naive to think acting ability has anything to do with Angelina Jolie’s success it has more to do with eye candy aspects big pretty eyes ridiculous lips big boobs and a chiseled skinny bod. You just got schooled!
True, but the people that praise Angelina Jolie tend to focus on her acting and use her looks as an afterthought of ‘and she’s gorgeous’. At least with Megan Fox no one’s pretending like she has talent
Even Bing is stumped on this one, Gabe.
The previews for this movie made me realize that I’ve completely tired of Angelina Jolie. Every movie she’s been in lately has promoted itself as ‘A movie with Angelina Jolie in it!!!!’, which I think is a bad plan because she is kind of boring on and off the screen. It’s like she’s still riding a wave of goodwill from Mr. & Mrs. Smith which came out 5 years ago (!!) and wasn’t all that good in the first place.
(not) Wanted
Beowuff
(Jumped the) Shark Tale
Alexander (I hardly new her)
Also, I tire of the fake British accents. What is Angelina, this generations Gwyneth Paltrow?
Why do the movie industry powers-that-be keep letting Angelina Jolie do accents???? Who is telling her she’s good at accents? I’m going to fix this.
Dear Angelina Jolie,
You are very bad at doing accents. Please stop.
Thank you,
Everyone
I would love it if me doing my job warranted buzz:
“Holy shit, FLW and.. ready for this.. HIS BOSS, just went into the conference room for a call and their combined talent is going to blow their client away!”
“Against all odds….in a world where nothing is sacred..sadmalandar successfully made a PHOTOCOPY of something!!!!!”
It took me a few (glorious) seconds to realize that you’re referring to your nick, rather than some cute animal video with a photocopying salamander.
Dont kid yourself sadmalandar, you’d probably botch that…
“With time on the line….Slimer procrastinated and watched THURSDAY NIGHT TV instead of studying”
the porno version of this FLW movie is going to be such a breeze.
Is it just me or does Johnny Depp look he has a case of the Robert Downey puffies in this film?
Something something something, big head joke.
But yeah, he seems to be trying a new image, to differentiate this role from all the others where he has long hair, Green Arrow-style facial hair and is biting into his cheeks to look gauntier.
Or a case of the Russel Crowes.
I thought he was approaching Val Kilmer levels of puffy face.
Val Kilmer’s face was what made MacGruber a terrorizing movie
*terrifying. Although the movie did seem to attack anyone who watched it
I just watched it earlier this week Two thoughts: 1) Ugh. 2) Ryan Fillipe has a flabby butt. I was disappointing that it did not match the perkiness I had pictured in my head.
I don’t know what you’re talking about. I like Topher Grace as the valet.
That pic made me laugh hard. Now I’d watch that movie.
Now THAT’s an unwilling hero!
He’s starting to look a LOT like Billy Crystal.
Angelina’s hand looks old lol.
That cat reads the newspaper just like I do. Flip through the pages, look frustrated when I can’t find the comics, then just get all my news on the internet.
That hamster looks like its attempting “sex by surprise” with Firefox. Go to bed hamster.
I did my job today! Where’s my blogzine article???
The cat is looking for the classifieds for that post he made last week: Dog wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
That hamster’s keyboard is all messed up, he must dance on it a lot.
Gabe, you forgot the part where in a crazy plot twist, Johnny Depp IS actually who they think he is, he’s just pretending not to be and then him and Angelina kick everyone’s ass and ride off on a boat with all the money, because obviously.
One day I think Gabe should post trailers for movies he wants to see. Gabe could actually be happy, if only for one day.
And I have no idea why this is a reply to you, Captain Boring of the S.S. Shut Up. But I think I will take your advice, and shut up now.
I’d watch this movie if there was a shark in it
There’s water in Venice. You may just get that shark!
Since when is bing the search engine for celebrity porn?
Actually, I really don’t get the whole big-time movie star as selling point thing in general.*
I like Johnny Depp and all, but I would never ever never go see a movie JUST because he’s in it. I would go to see a movie that looks good in which he happened to star, and feel confident that he’ll put on a good performance, but that’s about it. And that goes for, well, every single leading man or woman in Hollywood.
Truth be told (and it will!), I think that people who run movie studios pretty much have to be financially retarded on some level. They make movies that cost $100 million to produce, and spend half of it on the salaries of like 3 actors. Do those actors bring in an additional $50 million in revenue? In most cases, I doubt it. I’m fairly certain that if more time were spent on refining the script (not those Frankenscripts with 30 writers over 10 years) and ironing out the ridiculous plot holes, the movie would do comparably well at the box office and there would be a lot lower bottom line.
*does not apply to comedies, because they are totally dependent on the skills of the comedic lead
Good point R2D2, Esq.
However, I think there are PLENTY of people out there that WILL go see a movie just because Johnny Depp and/or Angelina Jolie is in it. To attempt to answer Gabe’s question, I think that’s why they are working the star angle extra hard with this film. The fact that 2 giant stars (and sex icons), who combined have brought in a gazillion dollars worth of net profit to the collective box office, are “finally” in a movie together IS a selling point. Doesn’t mean it’s a good one. But it is one that can be counted on to bring in revenue (if the movie isn’t totally slammed by the critics). They worked the same angle for “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” – except they also had (true) rumors of an adulterous love triangle going on to grab press.
I agree that it’s annoying how they put Angelina on a pedestal, but them’s the ways of the machine. She’s an actress who consistently opens movies and brings in profit. Not many female actors can do that. Also, she is Hollywood “royalty” or whatever, so deal with it.
Isn’t it weird that being Jon Voight’s kid makes you Hollywood Royalty? I’ve always been a little confused by that.
Tis the truth. I was having a conversation with a co-worker at a holiday office party many moons ago, and she asked the age-old question of which superpower you would want to have: flight or invisibility. I chose flight, because that is a fucking gift! When I fly in an airplane I’m so excited I can barely sit still, and I spend the entire time staring out the window like a baby because you are 30,000 feet in the air! How could you give that up?
But then she said no, I was lying. That we would all choose invisibility because then we could sneak around and watch celebrities have sex with each other. So there is plenty of allure to the cult of celebrity.
I work on animated movies, which are pretty much the worst offenders ever when it comes to pointless celebrity casting. I wondered for a long time if it really was worth $10 million to get the voice of Cameron Diaz or Anne Hathaway or whatever other boring person (espeicially since in animation the voice actors only work for a couple days).
But I’ve realized that it’s totally worth it to the studios because it lets them put the famous celebrities on TV shows and publicity tours. And that really does help raise awareness of the film. Nobody cares how well the actors do their job of acting in the movie.. all that matters is that they can charm the Today Show audience or whatever. And that really does translate into many, many millions more in box office, unfortunately.
Personally I find celebrity voices in animated movies to be too distracting and it’s a huge pet peeve of mine. I’d rather have no-name actors create unique voices for the characters than have to listen to 90 minutes of Angelina Jolie being a sexy fish.
Gabe, aren’t you getting a little lazy? This sounds like a rehash of the piece you wrote when all Hollywood was talking about was how James Stewart and Grace Kelly were finally working together.
How many times do we have re-watch Hitchcock’s favorite plot painfully acted by aging demi-gods? At least Hitchcock got the humor right, and most importantly in his films he made it extremely hard for the unwilling hero to actually kill or even temporarily hurt the bad guys. Give me Jimmy Stewart awkwardly running away from two nameless thugs over Johnny Depp destroying the Russian Embassy with one well-placed bullet any day of the week.
Does anyone else find that as they get older, the ultra-serious or suspenseful films from the old days have actually become quite funny? I find myself laughing often at Hitchcock films, and even plenty of Kubrick as well. Why do I find Eyes Wide Shut to be kind of hilarious now?
Eyes Wide Shut was always sort of hilarious.
que sera sera
Gabe claims toward the end of this screed that Jungle 2 Jungle stars “Time Allen” but he may have meant Tim Allen HAHA HA HA moron no serious parent would name their child “Time” hahahaha fool
Baboon.
That’s your copy editor.
Pub cat reading the papers is basically a thinner, more intelligent and daresay more peaceful version of my cat. I mean – look at that collar!
But I love the running commentary most of all, when the pub patron says that it would get 250 quid from You’ve Been Framed. You’ve Been Framed should give Pub Cat ALL THE MONEY.
I liked “The Town.”
Is this the part of the part of the post where I say “downvote away?” Or should I have said that at the beginning?
This is as good a time as any to ask for Videogum’s help with a Johnny Depp related problem I have.
Johnny Depp wants to star as Nick Charles in a remake of The Thin Man and I don’t know how that makes me feel. The Thin Man is, maybe, my favorite movie of all time. Nick and Nora are my favorite fictional couple of all time. It isn’t that I’m against a remake but something about Johnny Depp in the lead makes me cock my head to the right and make the face my dog does when she walks in on me naked. Sort of a confused, “huh?”
Help me know what to feel Videogum!
Do yall remember when Robert De Niro and Al Pacino were finally in that movie together and it was a big deal. It was the one where Robert De Niro tilted his head a lot and smirked and Al Pacino slightly bobbed his head up and down with his permanent frown.
True story: the first time I watched this movie, I had had a bit too much to drink and was not paying attention. For almost an hour, it did not occur to me that Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro were different people. I thought it was a movie about a crooked cop and I kept being like, “Why’d he do that?” and my friend kept being like, “Shutup, you’re drunk.”
Fact.
I also wonder why they use Conan font in the tv commercials.
I’ve often wondered why anybody is excited to see Angelina Jolie on screen at all.
boobs?
Gabe, you had me at “via Arbroath.)”
Another bad sign? The script needed to be rewritten like 50 times. It had already been reworked a bunch by the time Johnny Depp got it, and even he said, “The script needs work.” But he agreed to do it because Angelina came to his office in L.A. and they chatted about their children? According to EW. He also said she has “an incredibly perverse sense of humor. She’s a really cool broad.” Get a room!
so this is basically frantic 2: franticer but with less pedophiles (probably, maybe?) and a bigger effects budget?
I’m hoping for a sequel to The Tourist starring Dancing Hamster and Pub Cat – together for the first time!
i undertand what you mean but its a damn good movie…. still would have been good without ange, she wasn’t showing anything special.