Photos
In the above commercial for the Italian coffee market (via Vulture), American actress Julia Roberts was paid a reported 1.5 million dollars, and yet, as you will notice, she does not say a single word. WHAT A WORLD! It’s a little late in the proverbial day to make too much noise about the ways in which some people in this world make ludicrous amounts of money for superfluous contributions while others literally starve to fucking death, and Julia Roberts is actually one of the lesser offenders, but also, you know, STILL. Good grief. Also, really, Italy? Julia Roberts? What, was Kathy Ireland unavailable? (Insert other examples of famously beautiful women who still look great not only for their age but for any age but also whom we can all agree have lost a certain cultural relevance when it comes to representing physical ideals.) At the very least, if you’re going to give Julia Roberts 1.5 million dollars, at least get some snappy sass from her. SNAPPY SASS! Let’s give her some snappy sass. “But Gabe, by giving her snappy sass for free while she continues to pull in massive sums for doing nothing, aren’t we kind of reinforcing the system’s aggressive disregard for value-added?” “I don’t know, probably. Now let’s do it!” Caption her face!
Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. Mama Mia, that’s ah spicy comments!
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If you look very closely, you can see Nero fiddling in the background.
“I don’t want anybody to smell my coffee breath, so I just won’t talk. This won’t be awkward at all.”
No-one with teeth that white could ever be accused of having drunk coffee.
Drink, Smile, Cash In
Wow. Eat, Pray, Love was worse than I thought.
It’s the sequel: Drink, Become Italian Deity, Loathe
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Use your words, Steve.
I will never not upvote Don Adams. In case you all were wondering.
i love that what you said makes absolutely no sense
I choose to interpret this as a scathing critique of the catholic church’s response to the AIDS epidemic. TELL EM STEVE!
I often click on Steve Winwood’s profile and then click on his most downvoted comment just to stand in awe of the perfect gifstorm which follows. Good job, guys. You too, Steve.
You are really gunning for LRC this week aren’t you…
Eat, Frappe, Love
Cafe Mocha Lisa Smile
America’s Sweet N Low
Erin BrockavUGH
Prêt-à-Latte
My Best Friend’s Wet Cappucino
Runaway Brew
Mystic Espresso
Mystic Barista
The Pelican Breve
Pretty With Whip
Coffee is for CLOSERs (get it? she was in Closer)
Notting Hills Brothers
Mocha Collins
Sipping With The Enemy
Steeping With The Enemy
Nodding Off Hill
Stepmacchiatto
That will be the Grande paycheck for the Tall line reading
Fairly high cofFEE just to stand around.
In the Starbucks of life, I want venti triple fun, grande satisfaction, a tall skinny physique, and short troubles. For here.
Those Folger’s commercials always make me cry.
Better than Oceans 12
Translation: “Why the long face?”
Not pictured:
DON’T DOWNVOTE THE STARVING CHILDREN, THAT’S ALL THEY HAVE.
Everyone upvote Steve Winwood so I can get lowest rated with only one downvote!
Okay, clearly someone is not listening…
This is Julia’s world and we’re just living(dying) in it.
After crunching the numbers, it turns out she actually has a $427,000 smile.
That smile has come to terrify me. All those teeth!
There’s nothing wrong with serving coffee for a living to make ends meet.
Mona Lisa Smile, Mystic Pizza Breath
You’re missing something
Gangy. That gif.
So much
How do I say “neigh” in Italian?
Le neigh.
Oh man, I’m an idiot.
Ouch. That one stings through the screen.
Or,
“The screen! It does nothing!”
il lorry
Runlatte Bride
America’s Sweet-n-lo hearts
PLAGIARIST COMMENT! Sorry, Ian.
“I don’t know what you’re doing later, but our Prime Minister’s having a little party, just friends, nothing fancy, but it’d be cool if you wanted to stop by. No pressure or anything…”
“Oh, and just so you know, I’m expecting multiples.”
“Well, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t think that was a possibility.”
“Colton Burpo, you know so many things about heaven that other people want to know. What about Julia Roberts?”
“well, she has a smooth but long face, shit brown eyes, and a smile that lit up the heavens”
“WOWWWW”
Not a caption! I just wanted to apologize to Mrs Versus for accidentally downvoting one of her comments earlier. I hope these will make up for it.
Oh and I didn’t say anything earlier because I had to go right away. Sorry!
What about a gif of Liz Lemon’s Julia Roberts laugh….? I can’t figure out making a gif, but it’s very apropos.
Can I marry you, Mr. Adventurely, with the Liz Lemon gif officiating? My god, I haven’t laughed to hard at a gif in YEARS!
Thanks, Mr Adventurely! I appreciate the offering.
I upvoted Steve against the flow of popular opinion above because, well, it *did* make me laugh.
I think we’re going to need a bigger smile!!! (Wait…Is that possible?)
“She’s striking.”
- Steve Winwood
She’s Pretty Woman
This is just begging for me to reuse one of my previous caption contest entries even if the relevance is minimal.
I guess I should have actually added a caption such as, “Zach did it better even without a smile.”
Who needs relevance? This picture is AMAZING. In fact, unless you mind, I am going to use this as a sort of comment signature for the rest of the week in order to spread this beauty to as many monsters as possible, regardless of how wtf it may be:
While I always enjoy appreciation for my mad photoshop skillz, I would urge caution before employing such a brute force strategy. I would hate for any monsters to accidentally overdose on Zach, Botticelli, or me, for that matter.
Regardless, I am flattered. Thank you!
Hmmm, perhaps you are right. I need to stop commenting when I’m in the middle of an all-nighter. I drink too much redbull, get excited and take things overboard.
I could watch Julia Roberts awkwardly laugh at a joke in a language she doesn’t understand all day.
I could watch her brush her hair while naked and reading the phone book
We don’t pay her to read, Steve.
I meant I would be the one naked and reading the phone book while watching her brush her hair
i kind of hope this one wins
The most expensive wink ever.
Cortez’s Landing in the Americas: Part 1
Ms. Roberts enjoys her coffee with extra C.R.E.A.M.
Tess Ocean strikes again.
1.5 million.
a modo mio probably could have gotten modo man for a lot less
C.R.E.A.M.!
Well this is certainty less embarrassing than my favorite celebrity commercial
This is my favorite celebrity commercial
This is MY favourite celebrity commercial:
Whoops. Bedtime, I suppose.
I don’t know if this is my favorite, but man is it great.
not pictured: Eric Roberts doing a much better job at acting in a commercial and getting no recognition.
Yea, but I heard he was too busy slapping a woman to do this one
“That coffee looks pretty good.” –The world’s starving children
Italian man 1: What’s wrong with her? She won’t smile.
Italian man 2: I don’t know. Put some ecstasy in her coffee, that’ll fix it.
Julia Roberts:
Italian man 2: Wow. You could probably fit a loaf of bread in that mouth.
Italian man 1: Yeah, I think we were better off before. After all, I’ve already painted her with her mouth closed.
Julia Roberts:
Italian man 3: I’d probably hit that, if she were about 15 years younger. Does she have a daughter?
Italian man 2: Hah! You’d hit anything, Roberto! Remember Torino?
Italian man 3: We said we wouldn’t talk about Torino.
Italian man 1: Torino! Hah! Seriously, let’s finish up and go, this is starting to creep me out.
Julia Roberts:
For 1.5 million at the very least I’d expect her to spit it out and say “That’s damn good coffee … and hot!!”
while backwards-talking dwarves walk menacingly towards you in a red room.
Not pictured: Street cred.
ok a modo mio. you blew 1.5 million on julia. we got that, we get it – you can’t really cut her out and expect to sell any espresso makers.
now: what’s the dorky dude in the middle doing in this ad?
I mean, the pissed off painter guy – sure – we need him to set the stage, create the conflict – he’s like the trix bunny of this ad. the wise looking one who hands her the cup – ok, we need him too – someone’s gotta play straight man, save the day.
but what the fuck is the dorky dude doing there? the wise man can select the espresso maker model and brew the cup himself. granted, I have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about… just give the painter guy a few more lines at the top about julia being a grumpy bitch.
there, done. just saved you $3000. you’re welcome.
The other actors are paid in the privilege of driving Julia Roberts to and from the airport, and taking turns acting as her personal ottoman between takes, actually.
They’re paying me Lavazza money!
To be fair, 1.5 Million Lira is like US$150.
And don’t be all ‘Italy’s switched to the Euro’ Monsters. Julia Roberts is in this ad so it’s clearly 1989.
Can you believe I used to be with Benjamin Bratt? Me? Julia Roberts? Ha!
I’m still waiting on my $14 from that tanning salon commercial I did.
And we’re all still waiting for it to be posted to YouTube.
“To speak in terms you gentlemen can understand, I got paid roughly 80 billion 1-Up Mushrooms to be here.”
All this, and I’ve never once crafted a unique character! Mama mia!
“For $1.5 million dollars, I couldn’t care if they’re calling me a fuck-up in their non-American speak”
Christ, what an asshole (I am)
Thats not an expresso cup, its just the optical illusion that happens when anything normal size comes near her mouth.
This is Amy Poehler’s take on the commercial
Just reprising her role as a sex worker with a heart of gold.
A heart of gold and a cup o’ Joe.
A heart of Joe and a cup of gold, I think you’ll find if you examine the facts.
All of her lines were edited out because they were frappe.
(Terrible!)
How much did they pay Keith Olbermann to be in this commercial?
And how long did it take them to teach him and Lyle Lovett to speak Italian?
Her?
Amazing. In 46 seconds Julia Roberts has made precisely the same contribution that Italian women have been able to make in Italian politics over the past century.
Don’t believe me? Their Foreign Minister was appointed to the role because she was a FUCKING LINGERIE MODEL ON TV!
Shut up and be pretty signora.
“Thank you for the coffee, but the Princess is in another castle”
Needs more smize.
“What are all of these poor people saying?”
They originally shot the commercial with Roberts speaking Italian, but it didn’t work out because she kept spilling coffee everywhere. BECAUSE ITALIANS SPEAK WITH THEIR HANDS! (Full disclosure: This is a joke by Danny Bhoy. All I did was awkwardly modify it to address an absurd espresso-related pop culture situation).
If only I could go back in time and slap myself in the face for this. Oy gevalt!
Julia Roberts is the italian coffee version of that Philadelphia cream cheese lady.
I’m just stopping by late to ensure that there are an appropriate amount of mouth jokes in here.
I’m very satisfied!
Way to reduce yourself to one-dimensional bickering espresso-drinking stereotypes and take the one genuine and valid part of Italian culture in the whole thing, the art, and associate it with someone least deserving for/of it; a foreign actress which doesn’t even care to learn a single line of your language. And this shame for what? To sell a useless espresso machine which serves only to complicate the act of putting instant coffee in a cup of hot water.
Stolth spits hot fire. And hotter coffee.
Real talk!
“Even though I can’t understand what’s going on at all, I am still satisfied with minoring in Esperanto instead of taking any other foreign language. I am going to be so prepared for the future, just give it time.”