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Whoa. Great news, you guys. Heaven definitely exists. Let this child tell you all about it.
Awesome! Can’t wait. Might just kill myself right now and beat you guys there. (Thanks for the tip, Bryan.)
P.S. That kid’s name is Colton Burpo. COLTON BURPO!!!!
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“Grandpa was there, and Hitler was there, and…oh shit.”
That’s your journalism.
No Burpo.
On a long enough time-line, heaven and hell are indistinguishable.
Oh mans, you are our little ray of sunshine!
Oof — this post is melting my thoughtcicles.
Ahhhh…that’s better
Someday, when his father is on his deathbed, Carlton, burdened by decades of guilt for lying, is going to confess to his dying father, “I just made that heaven stuff up.” Then he will feel much better.
I think Colton’s dad’s deathbed scene might go a little more like this:
“Listen, God, you and I both know that I made up that heaven stuff, and then forced my innocent child to perpetuate my own, poorly-written, schlocky-poetic lie on national TV, but I’m sorry. We’re good now, right? See you in heaven?” -Mr. Burpo Sr.
(Because, “a smile that lit up the heavens”? Seriously?)
And we all know Jesus has green eyes, not blue! Jeez!
I prefer to picture Jesus as a black Jon Stewart.
His mother was so off camera giving him cues.
Burpo? I can’t help but imagine a “Men in Tights” Achoo situation whenever he introduces himself…
“Your Name?”
“Colton Burpo”
“EXCUSE YOU!”
Is this what David after Dentist was experiencing?
This kid is our generation’s Desmond Hume.
This kid is not our generation’s David Hume. #ofmiraclesgum
That’s your generation.
The difference being Desmond didn’t whore himself, write a book and give millions of people ‘proof’ and ‘reason’ that the liberal, lamestream media is trying to hide the truth….
…although, he did run over a bald guy in a wheelchair.
This is totally “news” that belongs on a “news” network, amirite?
Exactly, Gabriel. STOP THE M F’ING PRESSES. Can we talk about this please? Fox News holds itself out to be a legit news agency, yet there’s a caption that flashes up on the screen twice that says the mother fucking kid “MET ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST.” What the mother fucking sucking WHAT?! NO. It doesn’t say that the little creepozoid Burpo SAYS he met John the Baptist. IT SAYS HE MOTHER FUCKING MET ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST!
“WELCOME TO YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY!”
- Me and Gabe (in unison)
A thousand upvotes for you, my friend. Imagine if all news outlets just dumped the notion of attribution altogether. No more “allegedly.” Nothing. Sarah Palin says, “I believe Barack Hussain Obama is an Islamic Extremist.” And the FOX News ticker reads: “Obama an Islamic Extremist.” I just want to know if they really don’t understand what journalistic integrity means or if they’re just like “Fuck it. This is easier and more manipulative and our fucking brain-dead backwater audience can’t tell the difference between a newspaper and an US Weekly, so who gives a fuck. Roll it, boys.”
2:40…Jesus has “rough but kind face,” “sea blue eyes,” and “a smile that lights up the heavens” — he’s clearly just reciting his parents Steven Curtis Chapman CDs.
Jesus?
If this is true, I’m about to get real born again.
Why’d you change your avatar?
“There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction” –Winston Churchill
“Never Forge”? Tell that to Dolly Parton.
Damnit Mans!
That would probably be a good idea for every one of you unbelievers. You’re gonna be awfully surprised when Colton’s story turns out to be the truth. And making fun of a child’s name? What a bunch of bullies!!!
What?
Been on a bit of VG hiatus thanks to work being an asshole, but this comment brought me back.
Well done Mr. BabyFriday.
Nothing “brings me back” like Don Draper.
OH JESUS, YES! YES! YES! YES! JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“For the kids Betty! Don’t you understand I’m the son of God?!”
“Heaven OR Books”. Exactly. Thank you, Bing.
This is my favorite Bing-themed comment to date. So good pie, Citizen Kane clapping, etc.
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You know, I kinda like your name and avatar…. But the comments? meh.
It wants downvotes.
Contrary to popular belief…I am not a bad guy hahaha.
#SINISTERGUM
Go to bed, “Colton Burpo”
Happy Birthday “Colton Burpo”
I don’t trust anyone that espouses the true wisdom of children. Children are dumb and you know it!
I know this is basically an atheist heavy group (myself included, although i don’t like using that term either). But do you guys ever wonder, what if we’re wrong?
I’d just jump on the cloud trampoline with the true beliebers
No.
Even if we’re wrong, I’m still certain they are not right.
Nope.
The correct answer was “Mormon”.
I am not an atheist but I also don’t believe in heaven. That said, if when I die, I ended up in heaven, I will be the first to admit I was wrong.
love it.
what’s with people thinking it’s important to second guess that one?
hey guys, I know this group is pretty heavy into being certain that pigs do not have the ability to fly. But I mean, maybe it shouldn’t entirely be ruled out or something. wait wait! I’m NOT saying it shouldn’t be ruled out, but, i mean… maybe it shouldn’t.
and wait what? You somehow know that I don’t like calling myself an atheist?
what, cause it’s a played out label or something?
“STOP CALLING ME AN ATHEIST JUST CAUSE I DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD!”
- nobody
I’ve literally never believed in God, but watching this video I got chills and then I was totally disgusted with myself.
Even life-long atheists are not immune to schlocky speeches, I guess.
Being responsive to schlock is what makes us human. Never stop.
I felt the same way when he talked about the dead baby. Brain, meet emotions. Why don’t you guys try to get along a little better? It’d make me feel less stupid. Thanks.
I got chills, too. Where the fuck is America headed when shit like this gets on the air. And encouraging a kid to spout this shit? That’s how Children of the Corn happened!
I’ve decided that if heaven does exist, it is just a place where everyone is disappointed.
i’m not in the business of calling little kids fucking liars, but this kid is full of shit.
He was four at the time, so clearly that makes him the MOST reliable source. Also, this is coming from Fox & Friends, so that makes it DOUBLE IRONCLAD TRUTH!
“He was dead at the time.” — Eddie Izzard
Clearly this little boy chose cake.
In lieu of poking a badger with a spoon, this little boy decided to original sin by writing a book of lies based on his fake experiences in Heaven.
His parents are awful. Capitalizing on this with a BOOK? Just let the kid draw some pictures of his visions, maybe give him a new set of markers for the occasion, and LET IT GO. Don’t subject him to crazy-eyes Carlson, the Dooce, and that uncomfortably aggro Kilmeade. It’s essentially child abuse.
I wonder how I´d react were my kid to put forth some obv BS like that.
certainly wouldnt get him a bookdeal though, that´s fo realz.
If I died at age seven I sure as hell wouldn’t have gone to heaven. That’s proof enough for me that this kid’s a liar.
According to her Wikipedia entry:
Gretchen Carlson graduated with honors from Stanford University. She was the valedictorian at her high school. She won the Miss America pageant and played classical violin for her talent…
I hate how dumb she plays considering how smart must be.
Another gem from her Wikipedia entry: One of her childhood nannies was Michele Bachmann.
Birds of a feather, I guess.
she’s ugly
Gong!
Aw, you made her cry.
any good pedophile will tell you, heaven is inside a 4-year-old boy.
Hello. My name is Baby Friday. You killed my brain cells. Prepare to die (and go to heaven, yay!).
#princessbride
Confession: when I was a little girl and saw Princess Bride, I had a crush on Inigo.
Um, I think you spelled “universal truth” wrong.
Confession: when I was 28 and saw Princess Bride for the 87th time, I had a crush on Inigo.
Yay for swarthy pseudo-Spaniards and the young girls who love them!
Thank you kel, I think we all need to remember that maywage is what bwings us togevuh.
Princess Bride thread hijacks are what gets me out of bed in the morning – and back into bed (I’m a writer, ok, a lazy lazy writer with bad central heating).
Gets? Ugh. Nap time.
BURPO!!!!!
If heaven isn’t real, then how would this kid be able to recognize his great grandfather in pictures? And know what his dad did with his grandfather when he was a child? And how would he know about his mom’s miscarriage? There is literally NO other possible way of explaining how he might know these things!
I love how they through that little anti-abortion jab in there. ALL FETUSES GO TO HEAVEN!
Not all of them–just the blue-eyed ones.
Sure they do. Dogs gotta eat.
Maybe she kept it in a jar and showed it to him, Barbara Bush style.
He forced me to imagine a talking fetus. And now I just feel weird inside. (I wonder if it had Roseanne’s voice…?)
I’m pretty sure she was a young adult by the time Colton talked with her, seeing as everyone in heaven is a young adult.
I think he got some good coaching.
Gabe would never!
That’s absurd. Everyone knows Heaven is a place on Earth.
It also isn’t too far away
But how far is heaven? Lord, can you tell me?
No, you heard him, he’s got the whole world in his hands. I can’t believe a kid came up with that!
He needs to show me, show me, show me how he does that trick.
I opened up my eyes and found myself alone above a raging sea that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me.
I just needed an excuse to type Cure lyrics. =(
I for one lost my shit when he said that. Fox News = Heaven for major laffs.
And in Gretchen’s Carlson’s hands – a whole can of hairspray.
Everyone knows heaven, heaven is a place, a place where nothing, nothing ever happens.
Sorry slothdrop! I was scrolling down the page to make sure I wasn’t plaigirist commentating. Alanis Morissette would call this ironic
A place where nothing, nothing ever happens
and a place where you know your aborted sister’s name…if you saw her in heaven.
“A Million Little Clouds.” -real professional, Dad.
But are there paved roads there? And cars driven by the angels? I NEED TO KNOW THIS.
are the paved roads in heaven paid for by john q. heaventaxpayer? and what about angel salaries and pensions skyrocketing in recent years? a rare miss for fox news.
DO THEY HAVE TAR IN HEAVEN?
At least everyone speaks English!
Any relation to Colton Farto?
Colonel Colton Farto?
Colon Farto.
“Sea blue eyes” fucking white Jesus.
Is there a bigger lie than the lie of a white Jesus?
Well, the lie of God is so big it can fit the whole world in the palm of its hand, so…
Proof there is no heaven.
Ooooh Fox News, you so crazy. Of course its only the christian afterlife that exists
Everybody talking about Heaven ain’t going there.
Fox news says the darndest things!
“Well Jesus, he had a rough but kind face, sea blue eyes, and a smile that lit up the heavens.”
Well, just fuck me. Kids don’t talk like that. This kind of horseshit journalism makes me so angry. That grinning idiot of a news anchor not only does the story, but completely shuts off all critical thinking as this kid and his dad schill some fucking book to yokels on Fox.
I promise to make a joke in my next comment, but I had to get that off my chest.
we’re waiting…..
OK, maybe not technically a joke. But I did post a pic of Buddy Christ in reply to your comment below! That’s like a joke, only someone else already made it up and told it and I’m piggybacking on their efforts.
He looked like a bad SNL host reading his cue cards there.
This kid was coached like a fake witness in a mob trial. He even sounded exasperated, like, ‘Didn’t you hear my dad reading to me from the book earlier onr? He had a rough but kind face!’
“I’m getting real tired of people trying to get rich and famous off of some stupid prank.” –Richard Heene
he had a rough but kind face, sea blue eyes, and a smile that lit up the heavens?
Sure did!
Shouldn’t his dad be played by Bill Paxton, and also a serial killer?
i really liked that movie. just sayin’.
Colton Burpo should have a show where he gets drowned and revived continuously to ask viewer-submitted questions to god.
The Revivalist
that settles it. I’m going to go to those guys proselytizing on the corner by Penn Station that Jesus has blue eyes so he’s obviously white. wish me luck!
Richard Heene’s great mistake was that he didn’t pretend to send his kid higher. Fake balloon ride = jail. Fake heaven trip = book deal.
Fox News: Proof that Hell exists.
Your comment: Proof that heaven exists.
Aww, you’re making me blush Son of Gabe!
Gabe if you kill yourself you will not go to heaven
Actually, you probably will. Because if suicide is a sin then it would keep you out, but for it to qualify, you have to meet 3 criteria: 1) You have to know it is a sin; 2) You have to intend to do it anyway; 3) You have to make this decision while of sound mind. BUT a sound mind would decide for self preservation — so a suicide is by definition not of sound mind. Therefore, no sin. Wait a minute, you are saying, what about “suicide by cop” — when you do something that might force someone else to kill you because you can’t pull the trigger yourself. Maybe that person is saner than the straight suicide! So he might go to Hell. But then, wait ANOTHER MINUTE, suicide by cop is arguably what Jesus did, isn’t it? Why didn’t he just give Pilate a straight answer and get off with a flogging and spare his mother the pain? But everyone agrees Jesus went to Heaven. So, is there actually a Hell? #yearsofcatholicsundayschoolusedagainstthem
Wait, didn’t Jesus go to Hell for three days after the crucifixion? I think Steve may be right.
Good point — that’s part of the stuff you say every Sunday. But they didn’t include it in school, so I’m not sure it’s canon.
OH FUCK YOU, LITTLE KID! YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT! Of course God is “a very big person” who “can fit the entire world in his hands”. What a stupid little piece of shit. He just tried to make sense of a scary experience he had when he was a kid (“sense” based on what he was OBVIOUSLY already being taught), and now he’s taking advantage with more than encouragement from his shit parents.
As someone who’s actually had a near-death experience, I can tell you that I didn’t see Baby Jesus’ smile light up the heavens, I didn’t see my family members talk to God, and I sure as shit didn’t see God holding the fucking physical planet in his hand (because he’s really big). I felt at ease with everything, a level of euphoric peace I’ve never felt before. Everything got very bright, and I felt that I was merging with something outside the physical, which seemed like it was everything.
Now, I realize my adrenaline gland was erupting like Mount Vesuvius and my pupils were dialating. Still that doesn’t change the fact that I FELT something, and for all I know, maybe that feeling of peace IS heaven. BUT I DON’T KNOW! AND I’M FINE WITH THAT! Why do you have to fucking ruin that by getting LAUGHABLY specific about what that “heaven” is.
Seriously, fuck this stupid kid and fuck his stupid fucking parents even more.
Haha, “when he was a kid”.
In my near-death experience, you and I play chess.
In mine, he drags me away even though I had not eaten any of the salmon mousse!
In mine, it’s battleship.
That One, I am glad you are still with us if only so as to keep the world’s population down.
(What I mean by this is that since That One is Death, if he died, then we would all live forever, but you know people would keep doing it and having babies and soon there would be children every where who wouldn’t even die when you shoot them.)
Please explain.
Dude, it’s cool. I just found proof he’s lying.
I am glad you had a “near death” and not a “full death” experience because your comments are some of my favorites. (OK, not glad you had a near death experience, but you know what I mean…)
Falcon Heane x Colton Burpo = Parents that make them lie and Bffs
Parents do the darndest things (to make money off their children)!
Woopsie, sort of plagarist AGAIN.
There is seriously a banner there during the interview that reads, “Met St. John the Baptist.” Not “Claims to have…” – just unimpeachable fact. I’m feeling a little barfo right now.
“When I was there, no one made fun of my name. That’s how I knew it was heaven.” – Colton Burpo
“And then all of a sudden it took a long time.”
In heaven everything is fine.
you got your good thing and I got mine
“What happened about a miscarried child?” clearly belongs on the Bernard Pivot questionnaire, and must of course transition from there to Inside The Actor’s Studio.
“John Goodman, what happened about a miscarried child?”
I drink my Brawndo then I Burpo.
So I’m going to assume these guys live in the same neighborhood as Balloon Boy.
Someone should write a song about how God has the whole wide world in his hands. They should sing it incessantly for the first four years of a kid’s life and then see what he says when he almost dies.
I almost died when I was 6. I saw God and he told me that the wheels on the bus go round and round.
I thought I had a baby die in my tummy, too, but it was a McRib. FALSE MISCARRIAGE ALARM.
Urrrgh, bad taste. You ate a McRib – uurhg.
*sound of a tumbleweed tumbling by*
G’bye tumbleweed! You’re at every one of my gigs. We should totally videochat some time.
here’s the good news: you’ll see that McRib again in heaven and it’ll tell you stuff.
Well, that settles that question. Next up, is there a hell? We’re going to a bad kid, a bus, and about fifteen minutes.
Ew, I don’t wanna be stuck in heaven talking to dead babies.
You know what you guys? Today we are all Colton Burpo.
Steps to get into heaven and hang out for a little bit:
1. Ridiculous sounding name
2. Quarter-Zip Track Jackets for the whole fam!!!
…aaaaand that’s it
I owe my mom twelve bucks
I remember when I was about 4, being woken up with the desire to look in the wardrobe in our spareroom; only to stumble on a collection of dirty videos that I took out to the loungeroom and asked my folks about.
Is that enough for me to base a book on? Could I say Jebus made me do it?
I’d love to see that interview with Gretchen Carlson:
“Now Lizardo, you say that this man in the video, Bob, is a very big man. How big is he? I think a lot of us would like to see that!”
Finally we know what the appendix is for
So, when you go to heaven but don’t actually stay there, does that automatically mean that you come back looking like a Class A Asshole? Or is that just the nurture part of “nature vs. nurture” talking?
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Blue eyed Jesus. Check
God holding the world in his hands. Check
Proof that the unborn go to heaven. Check
It all makes sense now that I watch this.
I guess I don’t have to buy their book now.
It’s a miracle!
If when we die and go to heaven we transform into our young adult selves or whatever bullshit they said, PLEASE tell me WHAT THE FUCK CORTON BLURPO morphes into??!! Does he suddenly fucking age 14 years to the heavenly appropriate 21 yrs of age? HoW the fuck does that work BLURPO!!??
That Fox News journalist must be relieved she wore her best pearls to speak with Prophet Burpo.
Oh well, there goes too many years of my life believing it was a fairytale, my bad!!
For a show with a name like “Fox & Friends” they really should have more puppets and songs.
I did not watch the video yet but I am assuming the family is from Texas?
Somewhere, Bucky Gunts is cursing under his breath.
They should put this kid in detention with farting kid so Satan can laugh while he screams.
All of you unbelievers are going to be really surprised when Colton’s story turns out to be true. And making fun of a child’s name? What a bunch of bullies!