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Deadline Hollywood is reporting that Warner Bros and Robert Zemeckis are moving forward with a remake of The Wizard of Oz. Cool! Good thinking, everyone involved. “Is there a single reason that anyone in this room can possibly think of why this would not be a really good idea?” SILENCE, I’M SURE. (Dear Hollywood, hang yourself.) Anyway, if Hollywood is going to remake The Wizard of Oz for the current crop of VERY COOL kidz (and so confident!) they’re going to need some advice, because if there is one thing that Hollywood gets wrong, it’s everything. Here are some ideas for how to make The Wizard of Oz more appealing to a generation of people who are JACKED IN:
- Ruby heelies
- Free Wifi throughout the Emerald City
- The Cowardly Lion is now very confident and calls his parents every day because they’re his best friends
- The Tin Man is clearly made from recycled Razr Scooters
- The Man Behind the Curtain is an iPad app
- Dorothy live Tweets the whole thing
- Replace Oz with Pandora
- Glinda the Good Witch is played by Lady Gaga
- The tornado is featured on a TLC reality show about storm chasers called Weather Pirates
- The Wicked Witch of the West is melted by Four Loko
- Our heroes start a Facebook group denouncing the inhumane treatment of flying monkeys
- No more Yellow Brick Road, where we’re going we don’t need Yellow Brick Roads
- Dorothy never awakes from her dream and spends eternity in limbo looking for Saito
Better.
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TLC will have a reality competition for little people where the winner actually gets to hang himself in the film.
Yiiiiiiiikes. This is only acceptable if he gets to have extensive cosmetic surgery beforehand.
Instead of a tornado, the Large Hadron Collider explodes and sends Earth into an alternate dimension where everything is topsy-turvy. Other than that one difference, the rest of the movie is identical to the original.
Oh, an everyone has iPads
Fuck you Hollywood. Don’t take great movies and remake them into awful ones. Wizard of Oz does not need a remake. The Third Man does not need a remake.
Take shitty films and remake them into good ones. Try making Bio-Dome into something I want to watch instead of the cringe-inducing crapfest it currently is.
Ugh.
Kylie Minogue is still available!
Dude, I’ve been saying this for years. It makes no sense to remake a movie that was good the first time they did it. But take a movie that was cheesy and kind of stupid and remake it and you could end up with The Thing.
By the way, did you know that they’re remaking The Thing? Ugh…
Prequel, not remake.
Whip your hair back and forth three times.
I click my heels back and forth, I click my heels back and forth!
Toto is a CGI golden retriever voiced by Owen Wilson.
Plus the winged monkeys are replaced with Predator Drones, the Tin Man gets oil-boarded to get him to talk, and the final assault on the witch’s castle lasts for 65 minutes and is directed my Michael Bay.
Oh, and Professor Marvel is played by Miss Cleo.
Hugh Jackman will play everyone!
That brick road isn’t yellow, Hugh Jackman just peed all over it.
Actually, I think this will be the new Toto:
Worst episode ever.
I see it already. Directed by Tim Burton. Johnny Depp as the Scarecrow and Helena Bonham Carter as the Wicked Witch of the West. Dorothy will be played by a relatively unknown.
I would watch that a thousand times, unashamed!
Why was this comment downvoted? “Fuck you, Caseanate, for liking Tim Burton and his go-to casting process!!!”
I know we were talking about this earlier, but haters seriously be hatin’ lately.
The Wicked Vampire Of The West
The Wicked Juggalo Of The West
The Wicked Silly Bandz Of The West
The Wicked Parent Who TOTALLY Doesn’t Understand What It’s Like To Be A For Real Teenager With Emotions And Troubles And GET OUT OF MY ROOM I HATE YOU Of The West
“I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto. Let me check the GPS app installed on my iPhone. Nope, definitely not in Kansas”
The Wicked Kanye West interrupts Dorothy as she sings Somewhere Over the Rainbow.
Sorry.
The Wicked Kanye of the West.
“There’s no place like home and EW why should there be it’s GROSS there with stupid parents all up in my business IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS WHERE I WAS MOM I AM PRACTICALLY A GROWNUP and can we please just have a life that is NOT EMBARRASSING with all these weird uncles in overalls around all the time and EVERYONE AT SCHOOL has a car except me — I can’t believe you bought me a bike! I hate you.”
I concur. I’m pretty sure that The Wizard Of Oz is widely considered to be pretty much perfect, no? There’s really no way to improve it, so anything they wind up doing with it will be a disappointment.
This is meant to be in reply to Bubbles, above.
If Hollywood only had a brain!
Zombie Tin Man: IF I ONLY HAD A BBBBBRRRRAAAAIIIIINNNNNN
Now THAT’S a remake I’d watch. Wizard of Zombie Oz!!!
Ring Ring.
Cakeordeath: Hello?
Hollywood: That’s a good idea you have there… is it, “Cakeordeath’? Am I pronouncing that right?
Cakeordeath: Uh, yeah. Thanks. I got it from Thekelburrows.
Hollywood: As good an idea as that is… and trust me, we KNOW good ideas… a zombie remake of Wizard of Oz just won’t work.
Cakeordeath: Why not? You get to remake a classic by putting an original spin on it, updating it for the maturing youth and young adults. If you do it right, you’ll get the targeted 18-35 demographic, no sweat.
Hollywood: [Laughs, condescendingly] …We don’t just want the 18-35 year olds, Miss Death. We want… EVERYONE.
There are no words for how happy this makes me.
I think that you’re both onto something.
Tin Man – Vampire in search of a heart
Scarecrow – Zombie in search of a brain
Lion – Werewolf in search of some courage
Dorothy – Zooey Deschanel
The man behind the curtain – Mark Zuckerberg
Oops, I guess that should have been BBRRAAAIIINNNSSS.
You realize this has already happened? That Zooey Deschanel already played Dorothy in the terrible Sci Fi action remake of Wizard of Oz called TIN MAN? Gah!
Nailed it!
You missed one crucial character:
Wicked Witch – Miley Cyrus
I’m guessing all the songs will be rapped i.e. If I Only Had A Brizzain
also Somewhere Over The Double Rainbow of course
we represent the lolly lolly let me see you work that body pop guild
The Wicked Witch of the West is a total Cougar.
In fact, I think we can completely replace the Emerald City with Cougar Town.
Also, the ruby slippers are replaced with Lady Gaga shoes. How great would it be to watch Dorothy skipping down the yellow brick road in THESE?
I don’t know why this makes me laugh so much, but it does.
Cowardly were-lion, duh! Plus, zombie scarecrow (BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS) and… uhm…. Justin Bieber Tin Man?
Justin Bieber as Toto.
woof.
Hooray zombie jokes!
What does a vegetarian zombie say?
GRAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINSSS….
Zombie Plumber- DRAAAAIIINNNS
Zombie Electrician – MAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINSSSS…
Zombie Weatherman – RAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIINSSSS…
Zombie George Bush – TERRRRRRRORRRRRRISMMMMM!
I apologize for my accidental plagiarist comment above. I did not scan the comments as thoroughly as I should have.
Each obstacle in their quest is now a rap battle to determine who gets voted off the Yellow Brick Road.
Dorothy: “I’m on the Yellow Brick Road w/ 3 others! http://4sq.com/YBr“
@DorothyGale69: Wild trip! Met @DaReelCrow, @scaredshitless and @howcouldUbesoheartless. F these dudez I wana go home :’(
The people of Oz vote to sell the yellow brick road to Goldline. Glenn Beck stars as the Wizard.
Glenn Beck is not the Scarecrow?
Don’t tease the cowardly lion
The tornado scene involves terrible acting by Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt pretending to know something about meteorology.
“He’s not in it for the Science!… He’s in it … for tha money!” – Bill Paxton’s career high point
If Twister is on while I am at home on some random weekend afternoon, then I am watching it. Guaranteed.
No tornado — it’s Hurricane Katrina this time.
Somewhere over the double rainbow.
The Munchkins are all played by thousands of digital renderings of Justin Bieber.
Selena Gomez stars as Dorothy.
Living in Kansas: It Gets Better.
Why would they make some poor girl compare herself to Judy Garland?
LOOK WHAT IT DID TO LIZA.
There were ‘gay’ and ‘/gay’ HTML ‘tags’ on that…I guess the form took it too seriously. Failuregum.
she gets the dizzy spells some times
The Lollipop Guild will now be the Ring-Pop Guild.
Crazily, this is the most “modern” candy I can think of. What do kids rot their teefs with these days?
Cocaine.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Cocaine is so ’90s. Meth is now!
Meth is so two thousand and late. I’m high on ‘zing right now!
50 Cent will sing his take you to the candy shop song for the lollipop guild scene
I’m getting multiple LOLs from this one, Steve. Excellent work.
The Lollipop Guild goes on strike to protest a wage freeze.
It is a very brief film, in which Dorothy is killed by the tornado within a few minutes. See, she didn’t hear it coming, because dumbass kids today never take their stupid goddamn awful-sounding iPod earbuds out long enough to have a conversation without being rude little turds, let alone stop listening to Lady Gag$ha long enough to notice a tornado is happening.
#crotchetyoldmanattheageof24gum
Clearly the Satanists need to do something about Robert Zemeckis.
Life is pain, princess. Anyone who says different is selling something. #princessbride
Not princess, highness. Dammit, Baby Friday!
It’s OK BFF. You have my automatic upvotes.
Aunt Em is a popular conservative politician and Dorothy gets into trouble for using homophobic slurs on Facebook. While in Oz, she has several babies by the Cowardly Lion and then wins a dancing competition.
Maybe they’ll just make a movie that is closer to the book? They could even call it “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” to distinguish it from the Judy Garland movie. If I remember correctly, the book is a slightly darker treatment of the material.
I’m (not) sure there is some ancient one somewhere clapping their hands about the idea that his favorite non-graphic novel is finally getting the honest adaptation it deserves with up to date special effects capable of capturing its iconic imagery.
wow so first we call comic books “graphic novels” and now we call prose books “non-graphic novels”???
Woof. shoot me in the face and shit on my grave today
Well actually, the original “prose book” had illustrations in it.
They change the ending to make it so that the whole thing was just a dream.
Will it be edited to be perfectly in sync with the latest Brokencyde album?
The scarecrow is made of synthetic straw because someone on the set has severe wheat allergies
They’ve just put up the first cast photo:
Holy shit. NAILED IT.
L’chaim.
Does he cover Africa?
This would make sense if it was a reply to Justin Bieber being Toto
i thought it was funny, dont worry
Werewolves. Right? Something about sexy werewolves.
Spooky, Scary.
Eddie Murphy as the cowardly lion, now 50% fatter, 115% more urban, and 60% more gassy.
“C-G-I muthafucka! C-G-I!” – Chris Rock. I want to see a god damn CGI remake of The 10 Commandments.
A young man wakes up in a dirty bathroom, chained to a machine that will tear his face apart unless he cuts open–
WAIT! I’m typing the wrong movie! Call the theater bosses!
cinema bosses
I can’t wait until Dorothy drives her GPS-equipped Hummer down the Laser Hologram Highway and uses Foursquare to locate Justin Bieber in Las Vegas or whatever.
all black cast. Maybe funk up the songs a bit.
We’ve already got the Wiz. But I bet Joe Jackson is willing to let a CGI Michael Jackson reprise “Ease on Down The Road” with the new Scarecrow
Segwaying across the yellow brick road.
When Dorothy arrives in Oz, the movie switches to 3D and then dumps buckets of vomit on the audience.
At the end, the scarecrow gets his diploma from the University of Phoenix
This made my day. Ka-dooz!
To better reflect the world today, the new Wizard of Oz will be terrible.
Dorothy gets her wish granted by the wizard as a reward for checking in to the Emerald City for the first time on Foursquare.
“There’s something wrong with the Wizard of Oz you guys. There definitely aren’t enough hollow, lifeless eyes. And the skin…why isn’t it patchy and triangular? Somebody get Zemeckis on the phone, we need to fix this shit pronto!” – Hollywood
“And everyone is so fat! Gross!”–Hollywood
Right. Because, you know, this has never happened before.
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3703545088/tt0078504
Never forget!
Instead of a field of poppies, they’ll be forced to get across a room where C-SPAN is playing on the TV.
I will bet anyone $100 that Johnny Depp is somehow made the focal point of this movie.
Not to be Debbie Downer over here, most of your jokes I’ve been LOL-ing up a storm at, but this is truly devastating. I seriously hope that if this tragedy pans out, Judy Garland haunts the fuck out of anyone associated with this project.
Also, Dorothy is going to look a lot tanner than before, have a shitload of pickles in her picnic basket and be fist pumping down the yellow brick road.
The worst I can hope for is that if they are bothering to make a Wizard of Oz film that they at least make it really good. They can’t touch the original film. It will always be “The Wizard of Oz.” The Wizard of Oz has been made at least 5 times in the past 100 years.
Plus, they made a musical about the Wicked Witch, which i once got into a fight about with some jack-ass who was insisting ‘Wicked’ was canon, and that the Wicked Witch’s real name was in fact Elphaba. L. Frank Baum didn’t write Wicked! It’s only canon in the context of the story in which it appears in! ‘Wicked’ was based off of the 1939 film, which is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from the books. The books are different to the films which are different from the plays which are different from the comics which are different from the cartoons. But I digress.
No one got in a huff when the Muppets made an Oz movie. Everybody loves Wicked. Maybe this film will be good and maybe it will get to depict more of the events that happened in the actual book.
As long as Miley Cyrus is Dorothy, I’m good.
LOL at whoever neg repped me down to zero (I was at +1, now it’s 0 as I write this.) That means this person:
1) Believed I was serious that Miley Cyrus would make a perfect Dorothy, or
2) Was offended that I DIDN’T think Miley Cyrus would make a perfect Dorothy.
Either way, it gave me a chuckle.
Product placement: Dorothy takes a pair of Nike Air off the Wicked Witch of the East, and goes off to seek the Wonderful Walmart of Oz, in search of better cell phone reception (because she’s not with Verizon).
“There’s no place like HomeGoods. There’s no place like HomeGoods”
The ruby slippers are replaced by Lady Gaga shoes:
Dorothy inevitably trips in them while prancing down the Yellow Brick Road and breaks her ankle, also managing to get her foot trapped underneath a yellow brick. She’s unable to get it loose so she has to amputate her foot herself in order to survive.
Those are McQueen Armadillos, not “Lady Gaga shoes”.
Make an Auto-tuned version of the Witch saying “I’m melting”? Kids only understand Auto-Tuned nowadays.
Also, Ke$ha’s new version of Tik Tok for the movie should be a hit. Wake up in the morning, I’m in Emerald City.
Dorothy and the Wizard communicate by sexting.
A break dancing and farting Jar Jar Binks animated gif file on the screen at all times.
The four main cast are all gathered to the land of Oz for a Survivor-type show after each of them star in their own respective reality game shows-
Dorothy of Love
Project Scarecrow
Pimp My Tin Man
The Weakest Lion
The Wizard will be played by Tim Gunn (The Gang: “Kill the Wicked Witch?! We can’t do that!” Gunn: “MAKE-IT-WORK!”) and the Wicked WItch and the flying monkeys will be played by a country-singing Gwyneth Paltrow and the cast of the Real World Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.
Seems like it would have just made more sense to turn the play “Wicked” into a movie, but what do I know about the workings of Hollywood.
What, Wicked is about the Wizard of Oz? I always thought it was a musical about candle makers.
They should make a movie where it’s an alternate timeline where the Wicked Witch gets her sister’s Ruby slippers, defeats the Wizard, rules the Emerald city, and crucifies Dorothy and her friends in front of all the residents of Oz, like I drew for my final narrative assignment at art school. http://kajusx.deviantart.com/gallery/6737316
That’s fantastic. And it doesn’t seem like it, but the story of Dorothy Christ could definitely have a sequel…
the tin man, the scarecrow & the lion are played by ricky martin, alan cumming & nathan lane, respectively.
I just threw up in my mouth. But I will see this if you make it Robert Downey Jr, Sam Rockwell, and Steve Coogan.
Done and done!
Complete cast.
Doydoydoy!
Looks shooped.
Btw, that article is from Tuesday, and /Film just posted an article today stating Zemeckis is NOT moving forward with the project, and that the Oz film itself is still ina very nebulous, maybe-we’ll-make-it phase.
http://www.slashfilm.com/robert-zemeckis-direct-wizard-oz-remake/
I’m not sure how else to recommend videos for videogum ridicule, but this one needs it REALLY bad!
Sorry if it was somehow already a VG story and I somehow missed it.
That guy from Jersey Shore (I refuse to use his ridiculous nickname) and Bristol Palin talk “abstinence.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyWKlxNAh30
A rare miss, Hollywood.
Just saw Inception for the 1st time this week, so now all inception references are very funny and relevant to me.HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Pabst Blue Road
Frankly, Lady Gaga should be playing the Wicked Witch of the West.
Gabe? Are you having a senior moment here?
You forgot the most basic fact about this new movie.
Its gonna be 3D!
It’s okay everybody, you can still watch the original and choose not to go see the re-make. It’s like your all off to see the Wizard for some Free Will.
I feel that Dorothy should be a bit more relatable, like maybe with one flaw or something. If she could be brunette, plain and clumsy. And maybe she can be caught up in the impossible dilemma of choosing which of her three travelling companions she will be in love with for eternity – the vampire, the werewolf or the fucking FAIRY.
Also, the Wizard is James Cameron in a motion capture suit, controlling everything from behind a green screen.