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It’s a little intense for first thing in the morning, but you know what else is intense? IDENTIFYING MURDERED BODIES! Other things that are also intense along similar lines: GETTING MURDERED and BEING A SATANIST. Really, though, this video is for everyone. Whether you are a forensic analyst who has absolutely no idea what the pentagram drawn in Sharpie on your latest bikini-wearing victim under a tarp’s stomach could possibly mean, or whether you’re a satanist trying to keep one step ahead of the cops, this video has something for you. And since we live in a world of clear-cut dichotomies and everyone is either one or the other of those things, I think we all learned something important, if horrifying and also somehow hilarious this morning. Stay safe out there, you guys. Don’t get killed/caught! (Via BoingBoing.)
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Murdered by Satanists is good.
(Sorry, watching Princess Bride in class today, it’s going to be all PB quotes from Baby Friday.)
I wholly approve of this!
As you wish, BF.
Anybody want a peanut?
I hope, for the sake of being impartial, that the next video will be “How To identify If A Murdered Body Was Murdered By Christians”.
“As you can see, the victim was dressed in somewhat flamboyant garb, wearing a rainbow-coloured belt and clearly displaying a case of ‘camp wrist’. Thus we can conclude that the assailants were ignorant, backwards-thinking bloody CHRISTIANS”
#angryforpersonalreasonswhichimaybeshouldntbringuponvideogumbutfuckit
NBC has already green-lit Law and Order: Satan’s Victims Unit
Day 2: How To Identify If A Murdered Body Was Murdered By Tony Danza
Day 3: How to Identify If A Murdered Body Was Murdered By Babies
Day 4: How to Identify If A Murdered Body Was Murdered By Kindness
Day 5: How to Identify If a Murdered Body was Murdered by Chris Klein
Day 6: How to Identify if a murdered body was murdered by v-gum monsters
You can tell because the murdered body is in fact not murdered but very much alive. We don’t kill people here right?
Day 7: How to Identify if a murdered body was murdered by stereogum monsters
ie check their CD collection for traces of My Chemical Romance
Day 8: How to Identify If A Murdered Body Was Murdered By Numbers
Day 24: How To Identify If A Murdered Body Was Murdered By A Person Who Cannot Count
The Police had better look into that.
Good soundtrack. Very fitting.
Since he appears to be standing inside some kind of makeshift Satanic temple, I have to believe this guy knows his shit.
Is Gabe threatening us?
good lord, how many people were murdered by THAT SHIRT!?
Hey man, that’s my dad’s favorite shirt. He got it in Palm Springs when he was there for the murder convention.
Please don’t make fun of him, he was just trying to look nice for the camera.
I’m sure “Satanic murder victim” is exactly the role this actress thought she was born to play while studying acting at UCLA.
So, did anyone else notice that the “body” was clearly breathing? Satanic Murder? More like SATANIC NAPPING!!!!
(what? Not all jokes are winners, ok?)
Why didn’t they pour wax over her eyes??? I would like a sense of realism!
Couldn’t the whole thing have been done with, like, a diagram?
This video also doubles as Step 1 of the new TSA search procedure
OOOOH TSA BURN!
Important question for forensic investigators: Ritualistic murder or dead juggalette?
I’ve been to a few parties like this. Needless to say….drugs are bad, very fun and cool but bad.
Also, that shirt is proof that Satan is real.
Look at these people. I’m totally convinced they’re satanists.
Totally. We should follow them.
Obligatory baby goat thread:
AWWWWWWWWWWWW. Me like.
He looks so hopeful when he mentions the penis-in-mouth thing.
Um, Wait…what? I only watched up until pentagrams on the upper chest, blah blah blah…I gave up way too early I guess!
’tis true. After the foot exam he cuts off the model’s penis and puts it in her mouth. That’ll teach you to only watch HALF of Gabe’s videos.
Where can I find out more about this?
I think they West Memphis 3 need to hire a better defense lawyer
You know, I’ve never really been that interested in satanism or ritual murder, but I’m starting to see the appeal. Thanks, cops!
Does this seem less “Satan CSI” than “dirty old guy touching young female co-ed” to anyone else?
How to tell if a Monster plagiarized your joke.
I will never forgive myself, SpaceNews!
Oh Huck. I’m insulted you would even think you’d need to apologize! “Great minds” and all that…
I’m pretty sure the writers of Law and Order SVU got about 40 episodes from this video.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Very professional, very real cop seeking model for Satanic murder demonstration. Ideal candidate is youthful, attractive, willing to pretend to sleep while being drawn on and poked. Bikini provided.
(NO SPAMMERS OR SCAMMERS)
Well, I for sure learned something: I’m a Satanist. Here I thought I was just a plain old murderer, now they tell me all the things I do to amuse myself are Satanist things? Man, embarrassing.
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According to the link on the youtube page, the full video is 73 minutes long. I FEEL AS THOUGH THERE IS 70 MINUTES OF IMPORTANT INFORMATION MISSING HERE!
Listen buddy, I don’t come down to where you ritually sacrifice people and slap the dick out of your victims’ mouths.
What up Mister Cool Shirt. DAMN!
this guy is giving off a “Kenny-Powers-Reading-Maria’s-Shirt-Love-Is-The-Best-Gift-Ever” kind of vibe when he’s referencing the boob pentagrams.
Anyone got a .gif of that, by chance?
THE WOMAN IS STILL ALIVE!!!
Haha! Best comment.
Damn, I guess Paltrow on Glee really put Gabe in a dark place.
Remember, you may only see one of the marks. Very rarely will they go “the full Satan,” or what is known in the field as “the Devil’s Bingo.”
If any of you monsters were as curious as this monster to know what monster that creep was talking about, it’s a guy called Clifford St. Joseph. He’s just barely googlable–not even in the True Crime Library!
If I were making an instructional video about identifying a victim of satanists, I would at least try to sound credible. Young lady, I believe you’ve been hired by the Hollywood Upstairs Police Officers’ Training Video Corp.
At first when the camera was just on the guy wearing the elegant shirt, I was like, oh, that single decorative column in the background is very tasteful. But then the camera moved to reveal a second decorative column, and I was like, faux pas! Too many decorative columns!