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It is human nature to love a fight, and the combination of telephones with cameras inside of them and the Internet has made fights easier to see than ever before. Gone are the days of waiting for the International Fight SIgnal of a strained, too-excited voice shouting bloodlust-y encouragement from behind a Taco Bell dumpster. Of course, the only thing people like more than an actual fight (because in real life those are scary and upsetting*) is a hypothetical fight. You know what I’m talking about. “Who would win in a fight, a shark or a bagel?” Stuff like that. “Who would win in a fight, a robot or a pumpkin pie?” (The way the game is played, traditionally, is to take something from a t-shirt you see in Brooklyn, and make it fight some food.) But what if we were to combine the two things? What if we were to combine America’s love for actual fights with America’s love for fake fights? WHAT IF WE HAD A FIGHT OFF BETWEEN FIGHTS?!
In one corner we have a Halloween fight in a Denny’s. In the other corner we have a fight at an amusement park in which a gang of costumed mascots beats up a park patron. WHICH OF THESE FIGHTS WINS THE FIGHT OFF DING DING DING THAT’S THE BELL!
Halloween Denny’s fight:
Amusement Park Fight:
OK, FIGHTS, FIGHT! WHO WINS THE FIGHT BETWEEN THE FIGHTS! (Denny’s Fight via BuzzFeed. Amusement Park Fight via GorillaMask.)
*Understatement. They are the worst. And the terribleness not only of fights but of the phenomenon of posting videos of fights on the Internet and our consumption of those videos would be a whole other post, complete with more detailed and thorough footnotes like this one in which I address the sadness of feeling some complicity in the perpetuation of such an unquestionably awful phenomenon when I buckle to the crass simplicity of it on an otherwise slow news day.
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Clearly the Denny’s Fight wins by a grand slam.
I am Moons Over My Hammy for the the Denny’s Fight.
Crap. My bad, face. No plagiarism-o.
It’s okay, I don’t mind. Mostly because I am TERRIFIED of your avatar.
TICAAAAAL
I am Bacon Avocado Burrito for this fight!
Am I doing this right?
So, I was looking on the Denny’s website to find a menu item to pun on and, well…
You hardly know her.
Ha!
I want a basket of puppies!
I didn’t have the heart to stick them in a basket.
Yay! Wish granted!
How about they both make me feel like this
Lawblog I’ve been using your icon image as the image of a trophy in my fantasy football league. I call it the Baio Award and it’s given out weekly to the team that scored the most. It makes me feel crazy seeing it here!
Happy to make you feel crazy, MadAlfred!
Personally I’m partial to the Shiva, but to each his own.
The second one because When Animals Attack
Nature fight.
Nature, Goulet, Fighting
Look at you… you’re HUNGRY!
“You win, you always do.”
Serious question. That a Chrysler LeBaron or a Dodge 600? Goulet deserves the Baron!
Of course it is a LeBaron, panhandler.
love. also, trigger happy tv
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqltIamw_CQ&feature=related
or this one, which is more obvifake… in case any bicycle enthusiasts got scurred
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHqbS5t0nKA&feature=related
Are we sure that was an amusement park fight and not a Furries orgy?
I think I saw Dean Pelton in there…
Oof if this were a different site that first video might inspire some pretty racially-insensitive comments from the gallery…
I pick the mascots because at least the represent real animals and are not just girls looking slutty in made-up concept costumes like Princess Candy Corn and Girl Whose Dress is the Colors of a Ladybug and Also Bug Antlers on a Headband.
The winner is Denny’s, no doy. It’s basically a grand slam.
“No, no, they are all freaks. Not one of them under five foot six. What kind of theater are you running, huh?…No, no, more of the funny show, the little puppets hitting each other. That’s what I like, LITTLE THINGS HITTING EACH OTHER.”
–Napoleon Bonaparte
If I had a nickel for every time I fought someone while wearing a giraffe suit, I would have zero nickels but pretend I’d have a lot since that’s way cooler
Those furries couldn’t hear him shouting the safe word over that music. Tragic.
Bwahahahahah – UPVOTES!!
Okay, I upvoted, but because I WANTED TO, kelburrows, not because you told me to. Just as long as we have that straight.
When you pull on the tail of one mascot, you pull on the tail of every mascot. Retribution!
My favorite fights used to take place on friday nights. They were called Friday Night Fights.
Never Forget.
This is awful. I feel terrible for the poor sap (stoned college kid) who just wanted a peaceful Moons Over My Hammy. But the other one is kind of my worst nightmare….decisions decisionss….
I like how ‘Slutty Candy Corn’ was a thing this year. I saw three adults and several children in similar costumes…I guess the line between ‘slutty’ and ‘cute’ is boobs?
Just ask Katy Perry.
Turns out it’s not boobs,
it’s attitude.
#slutsincandycorncostumes
^ I love this reply SO SO SO much
I’m gonna go with the amusement park one. I feel bad for those poor Denny’s workers who had to clean up after those assholes. *sadface (no relation to facetaco)*
All things considered, that Denny’s is still in better shape than most I’ve eaten in.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Someone call a time out!
His hairline might be a little further back, borderline giving him a fivehead…but still…soooo dreamy.
Amusement park. It’s very brave how all those animals take a moment to get in a kick on the humans at the center of their fight circle.
I’m really disappointed (not disappointed at all) that the visuals in the Denny’s fight aren’t working properly.
Oh it’s working now.
I just wish they could all get along like they did in middle school. I wish I could bake them a cake made out of rainbows, smiles and we’d all eat it and be happy…
Whoops, they’ve twigged that I’m not a regular at this Denny’s.
So not only have I been on the famous “Amberlamps” bus but I have also eaten at this Denny’s. Truly I am a lucky man. Thank you Oakland <3
Our very own reporter on the scene.
As a nauseating camera work aficionado, I found the framing in the first one a little too steady for my taste. But as a furry/S&M combo aficionado, I found the second one very arousing.
What I’m saying is I’m going to close my office door and watch the second one again.
I feel as though I’ve seen two visions of my own death. All I have to do is choose.
Kicked to death by Furries is TOTALLY my third preferred way to die.
#prefurried.
It seems like all of Tila Tequila’s public appearances these days go wrong.
Regardless of the events of the evening or what I ordered from the menu, the Oakland fight sums up perfectly how I feel inside every time I am at a Denny’s.
Was this before or after Christine O Donnel hooked up with that dude from Gawker?
“So, what are you going to be for Halloween?”
“Sexy Ghost Bobby Knight.”
Kids are the worst.
These videos are weird and depressing. Watch this instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FakIHtOQDrQ
Jesus, they are fucking adorable. I want baby otters reeeaaaal bad. I would teach them how to swim and take them everywhere with me. We would go have breakfast together at Denny’s and….oh shit. Some chick in a LadyBug(?) outfit just threw a chair at one of them. I’m down to one otter guys
i like the one where they fight.
I kept wishing the cameraman for the 2nd video would just clap his hands and stomp his feet and maybe whistle real loud to help that guy out.
So is the victim in the second video a mascot now? That was a classic jump-in.
2nd video would be great if the theme song from the Banana Splitz was playing during the beat down
Or a Radiohead song
Upvotes for the elderly!
has the phrase “east oakland denny’s ever led to something good?
please ignore my negligence of the second parentheses, i am as always, retarded
i vote for denny’s because i am way more scared of witnessing that fight and because i’m pretty sure the sexy ladybug is on a tether.
the denny’s fight made my computer crash. so there’s my vote.
“I’m gonna punch you so hard the Internets gonna get a black eye!” – this video.
That’s no way for a candy corn to act.
Other fights (using the formula):
Dolly Parton vs. A Sandwich
Wolf vs. Ice Cream Cone
American Flag vs. Pizza
Green Lantern vs. Waffles
I was at Denny’s yesterday discussing with two of my good friends who are also Monsters. The same shit went down but nobody had a camera…
I don’t know. One time my late-boyfriend beat up my ex-husband in the middle of rush-hour traffic at a very busy intersection. It’s pretty much one of my best memories.
But football in the groin has football in the groin!
It works on so many levels!
Even sans balls, a Plushie fight wins every time.
Both these videos are funnier in theory than in practice.