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Last night, Gwyneth Paltrow made her country singing debut “LIVE” at the 2010 CMA Awards with a performance of the lead single off the soundtrack to her new movie of the same name: “Country Strong.” Although the dip canisters have all been swept up and the lights turned off and the doors locked on the ceremony’s venue, still no one has bothered to explain WHY, exactly she was making her country singing debut “LIVE” at the 2010 CMA Awards, or even more importantly, WHO might WANT that. America waits for these important and pressing answers. We know, of course, why Gwyneth wanted to do this: it’s a free advertisement for her movie, directly to the audience that might actually be interested in watching it. We’ve all got to put lorries on our families. Just because Gwyneth named her son (daughter? I honestly have no idea) Apple doesn’t mean Apple don’t got to eat. Grass fed fish and organic chips are expensive! Besides, the bobbies all say ee’z got to get his weight up. Oy, ee only weighs 4 stone! And then, of course, you have to pay the servants to clean the unvarnished “farmer’s” table that comfortably seats 30. So fair enough. And nothing says “go see my movie” like a sphincter-tight face, the full-body physical incarnation of flop sweat, and FAKE AS HELL guitar playing, right?
Right!:
If no one will tell me who in America actually wants this, will someone at least tell me why she insisted on pretending to play the guitar? There are 19 other guitars on stage and she’s strumming it the way Mr. Noblet adds things on a calculator. Enough! It’s almost as if she’s so much of a liar that she needs new ways in which to lie (fake guitars) at the same time that she continues to lie using her old methods (head). Oh well. Final question: “debut” doesn’t ACTUALLY mean there’s going to be more of this, right? (Via Dlisted.)
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You know, as a Gwyneth apologist, I have to say that she really makes my job hard sometimes.
as my father would say, “you need your head examined.”
Speaking of heads and Gwyneth,
“what’s in the box?”
…one day my sweet.
True story: I recently decided that a friend of a friend was awesome because as he was opening a box in the other room, not knowing he would be overheard, he said to himself in that whiny voice, “What’s in the box!? What’s in the box?!”
Please print these upvotes off and give them to your friend
He lives in NYC, so I’ll have to mail them…in a box
Shakespeare In Mild Affection
Am I doing this right?
It’s Shakespeare in Facetaco.
Lady Macbarf
King Lame
DesdemoNO
The Apathetic Wives of London
IaGO away!
Much Ado About Nothing
(no need to improve on Shakespeare)
A Midsummer Night’s Barf
The Shrew.
Once again, it’s impossible to improve on Shakespear in this case.
the temPEST
Othellno
Much DooDoo About Nothing
Asshole Of Venice
Coffee everywhere.
I feel like she’s just delusional enough to believe that this is the start of something big. Like, she’s sat Chris down and told him that they’re careers can’t come between them (because she believes “her music” is eventually going to be bigger than Coldplay) (and probably Jesus).
I hope next up she sings songs about girls who were mean to her in high school and boys who didn’t notice her.
Also, the day can only get better from here!
I felt as though a million voices cried out at once, and then were silenced.
Must’ve been Coldplay fans fearing a Linda McCartney-ing.
I will always up vote Obi-wan Kenobi quotes.
Good. You’ve just taken your first step into a larger world.
#thatsenoughgum
Someone please bring Charlie Rich back from the dead so he can burn this.
My computer seems to be protecting me from seeing this.
I’m sorry, but I have to disagree Gabe. I grew up in the South and I assure you that the wealthy daughter of movie stars pretending to play a $2,500 Gibson acoustic guitar at her first gig, which is at an internationally televised award ceremony, after eating a microbiotic meal in her hover-limousine is the epitome of “country.”
That’s just how we do it down here.
Really takes me back to the trailer.
The ‘hard ground’ she grew up on was actually diamonds.
It was actually a real challenge. The family was always having to buy new diamond shoes after chipping the old ones on the diamond ground.
I do have to say, regardless of her overall horribleness, she has been killing it in the fashion department this week.
That is the world’s most amazing guitar! When you strum it, it sounds like a mandolin! Playing a different rhythm than what you are strumming!
The thing is, she is actually playing real chords, which can only mean that she is so bad that they muted her.
On closer inspection, it appears that they did not even bother to mic it or plug it in. The saddest thing: she probably thinks people can hear her playing.
Farmer’s Table Aid
Well, I was born a rich director’s daughter,
In a mansion, on a hill near “Lahws Angelees”,
We had servants, we had stuff,
That’s the one thing my daddy made sure of,
And all these things make a country strong daughter.
Nah, just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Oh Gwyneth, why do you you fake
Like your real country folk?
Why must you sing stupid songs that others wrote?
Stop and think it over
Put yourself in her unique position –
If there’s money she can spend, why shouldn’t she pretend
Like it’s a family tradition?
I got friends who are gold-plated
Where the artisanal spring water drowns and the macrobiotic wheatgrass juice chases
My blues away,
And I’ll be okay.
Yeah, I’m not big in any places
Being rich and famous is just aces
Oh I got friends who are gold-plated
Oh get a room! Then get married.
Oh I’m gonna love Baby Friday
Forever and ever, amen
As long as Ol’ Gabe sits and blogs out his frustrations
As long as Steve Winwood comments on pretty women
If you wonder how long I’ll be faithful
I’ll be happy to tell you myself
I’m gonna love her, forever and ever
Or, at least until 2012.
Did this entire string make everyone else blush? It made me blush.
I’m going to eat as much meat as possible today in protest of her…..(would still do her though)
“strumming it the way Mr. Noblet adds things on a calculator”
best thing ever said ever.
To be fair, this is how I feel about most country artists who debuted after 1994. Thanks a lot, Shania Twain. Look what you did.
She’s CANADIAN for god’s sake!
I think Gabe can just go ahead and make the “Gwyneth Paltrow Promise” a thing now, guys.
Where do I buy this album? I am running down to the record store today before the line starts!
You spelled Wal-Mart wrong.
You spelled Starbucks wrong.
you spelled “lobby of the movie theater” wrong.
You guys are all spelling “trunk of Gwyneth Paltrow’s car” wrong!
“You spelled ‘queue’ wrong.”
-Gwyneth Paltrow
Didn’t all your guitar teachers teach you to strum using “Barbie Hands”?
The day the music died.
(yes, I know that I got my Don McLeans where my Johnny Cashes should be but the mouth of hell is clearly open and letting chief demon Gwyneth out, so that seems like a fairly minor concern. Also, this photo is the best)
Jinx Teacherman.
No worries.
Is that how he got his nickname, “The Man In Garanimals”?
Why does Vince Gill look like anybody except Vince Gill?
Is this his mild mannered ego? A disguise?
Producer One: “She looks like a nightmare skeleton up there this is a disaster”
Producer Two: “Give her a guitar to hold!”
Producer One: *Shoots Self*
I figured out her secret. She is such a healthy cook because she uses all of the oil in her house to grease up her legs before any public appearance. Is this handy tip up on GOOP yet?
I can’t wait for the CMA2010 Porno!!!!*
*I can wait for the CMA2010 Porno
Is this the Bieber fever all the kids are talking about? I don’t get it.
This is EXACTLY what this guy had in mind:
The only celebrity whose continued existence I am forced to deal with by fantasizing about unleashing SNES-Era Street Fighter moves on her.
I find picturing her on the receiving end of Sagat’s Rising Tiger Knee incredibly therapeutic.
I’d be ok with a solid yoga-flame
I’d shoryuken her.
Waitaminute- Wasn’t she supposed to sing “Fuck You” or did they mean her performance would be a symbolic ‘Fuck You’?
(yes, I know that is on GLee, I’m joshing, you guys)
how sick can you get? already know the answer to that: pretty darn sick & mean spirited too.
what a sorry bumch of wana-bes you all are.
And Goop was a country music star and MEDIOCRITY HELD SWAY!
She should star in the remake:
I better get downvotes for joking about this.
Oh, yea, so I am from Nashville and you have literally “made it” in this town when you are one of the 12 dark shadows playing guitar in the background. Just one of the many reasons there are so many cool people that live here.
Unfortunately, my mother might be the only person that would want this. America’s wait is over. She even emailed me to ask me if I was going to watch. I must have been adopted… because that is unwatchable.
maybe she’s getting really meta. like joaquin phoenix??
also, do you monsters ever feel like you can look at certain people and know that their breath smells completely like vomit or their butt? cuz that’s how i feel when i look at her. sorry.
You know, I hated it, and that was fine, but then when she finished and everyone gave her a standing ovation and she gave that AW SHUCKS look, I hated it even more. No Gwyneth. NO.
She blinks a lot.
Right?! I couldn’t stop looking at the fluttering eyes and then I had a mini seizure.
so what? i blink a lot too. i have dry eyes. perhaps the lighting was in her eyes. i noticed miranda blinked a lot too.
Gabe, you’ve been linked on the Yahoos! Weee.
actually he wasn’t.
Country is in a terrible state. About the time Shania Twain hit the scene, (90′s) it all went to hell. It used to be about unique voices, someone saying something, connecting with the people in the audience. Now, its about…well, its about this. The only highlight last night was Loretta Lynn. Kid Rock, Cheryl Crow and unstoppable blinking Paltrow???? Geeze. AND if she wasn’t playing the guitar then I expect to see her career ruined like Mili Vanilli OR Mily Cyrus’s daddy. lol.
HOLY CRAP U GUYS GABE IS MENTIONED IN THIS
http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/gwyneth-paltrow-makes-live-singing-debut-on-the-cma-awards–1745
LOLOLOLOLOL
My favorite part of that article was where they implied that private school grads wouldn’t have Southern accents. Yep, we don’ have no fancy book learnin’ roun’ these parts, no siree doggies!
actually “he/she” isn’t. it’s a link to this nasty blog and ultimatley a sad list of haters. how pathetic you all are. let’s see, is there anyone here that actually writes, records or produces country music? thought not. there wasn’t anyone at the awards show who seemed to object to gwen’s performance. real country music people, and country people in general, are like that. give everyone a chance and give them credit for trying.
she tried. she did well and they aplauded her for it. if you bothered to watch the video on the above mentioned yahoo blog, you would have seen that she refers to playing the guitar, which isn’t a stretch since her husband is a musician, at home in england and for the movie and while rehersing for the awards show. she was fingering chords and struming, possibly to help her keep time and stay on beat. i have no problem with that. after all she wasn’t there to do a guitar solo ala vince gill or brad paisley.
yes, you people are truely pathetic haters one and all. my grama told me, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. good grief, then where would gabe be?????
Funny, I thought she did a really good job, and she sing beautifully, nice song.
Oh my god….
http://hollywoodinsider.ew.com/2010/11/12/glee-gwyneth-paltrow-forget-you/
OH MY GOD.
A Mr. Noblet reference!? You are a total badass! Thank you.