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The first teaser commercial for E!’s upcoming new reality show, Bridalplasty, is here, and it is a powerful reminder that Bridalplasty is definitely going to be THE WORST. I’m not saying there was any confusion about this, or that anyone was like, “You know, I’ve been thinking about the concept of Bridalplasty, and the general quality of E!’s programming, and I’m starting to believe this is going to be an excellent television show.” No. But now with the new teaser trailer, we get to see the ways in which E! pretends that women’s self-loathing and body-obsession can be turned into comical, competitive farce! If you need a reminder of what Bridalplasty is, here’s the description, from the archives:
Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her “wish list.” She’s given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week’s episode.
One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show’s description, “possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride.”
The last bride standing will receive a “dream wedding,” where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. “Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery,” E! said.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was not killing himself when he heard about Bridalplasty. Teaser trailer after the jump!
And you know what? Fuck this. You have to have unshakable faith in SOMETHING in this world, so it might as well be that world’s destruction by fire. 2012, HERE WE STILL COME! (Via HollywoodReporter.)
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“If you do not give us the combination to the air shield, we will give your daughter back— — — HER OLD NOSE!!!”
Seriously tho, barf barf barf. Get some groomzillos in here and shut it down. STAT.
That’s incredible! I have the same combination on my luggage!
If I write the best wedding vows, can I get a lobotomy?
Who wears blue underwear underneath a white dress?
Someone retarded enough to think being on this show is a good idea.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
1) nose job
2) brow lift
3) tummy tuck
4) veneers
Not necessarily in that order.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds
Unless, of course, you win the challenge.
And then, all bets are off.
By: William Shakespeare
1st period English II
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
Plastic Surgery can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the lifts of brow and ideal face.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, veneers and lipo’d light.
I love thee freely, now with your nose set right;
I love thee purely, with thy bosom raise’d.
I love with a passion put to use
By reality TV, and with my 2012′s BARF.
-Elizabeth Barret Browning
(this is half assed because I was too depressed to do it properly. If you will excuse me, I must lie down and wait for the sweet freeing embrace of death. Oh to join that inky void.)
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
But then she went on a real’ty show
And now I don’t know who she is no mo’.
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say’st,
“Beauty is truth, truth beauty,” – that is,
Unless you can do something about your nose
John Keats
Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all your faults improve,
Old nose and chin will be concealed,
That craggy face and skin, all peeled.
- Christopher Marlowe, Groomzilla
A rose by any other name still smells as sweet, unless of course it has killer breast implants, in which case, yeah, it’s definitely sweeter. And boobier.
Why should I blame her
That she filled my days with misery?
After all, I met her raggedy ass
On a plastic surgery reality show.
I am in love with you all, nerdy monsters.
It is really too early for me to already be vomiting and crying at work.
How did you get a .gif of my desk?
A Skins gif! I love that show! I feel happier, less alone… less lonely.
What Emily said! Skins forever! The best! Let’s be new bff?
Mans, it’s too early for us all to be committing suicide.
My desire to completely boycott this show is conflicting wildly with my compulsive need to read and watch everything on vgum. This is like torture.
I just watched the promo. Fuck this. I’m going back to bed.
Let me just take this opportunity to say: I’m so glad to be married to a sane person. Not sure Teacherman can say the same, but at least one of us is making good choices.
I’m beginning to suspect you’re really married to teacherman…
Or am I just CRAZY?
My wife is the best, has always been the best and will continue to be the best forever. She is brilliant, funny, beautiful and kind.
We’ve been together for over 15 years and every flaw and imperfection in her is more dear to me than any boob job, brow lift or veneer could ever be.
With an attitude like that, you’ll never be on E! However, if you get three more wives, perhaps TLC will take you.
Im sorry Mans. I had to downvote you. This comment made me sad.
I understand Jwormyk. I accept your downvote and will buy you a beer sometime.
Thanks Mans, but only one drink. This is what happens to me after two (yes I dressed myself up as a women for some reason)
see ‘My Mistress’ Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun…”
Seriously, Mans. I see these people and all I can think is that they haven’t got a clue what being married to someone you love is all about. I feel exactly the same about my wife as you do about yours, and I could never imagine wanting her to change anything to fit into some idealized version of how she “should” look.
#truelovegum
As R2′s real life wife, I would just like to say that he is the best too, and ask him to please stop making me cry on Videogum. Also, I am going to go cancel my boob job appointment now.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” – you-know-who
So are you telling me that you and Teacherman did not have pre-wedding plastic surgery?
I think she’s saying that they both DID, and it’s the best thing they could’ve done for their marriage.
Indeed, it’s true. Nothing could be more romantic than pulling off the veil and seeing a total stranger! Now that’s good love.
Here’s a picture of me getting ready for the ceremony
As you can see, no plastic surgery necessary.
At they are respecting the sanctity of marriage…because if marriage is about anything, it is definitely how you look.
*least
Notice that this post now appears just above “Q&A with Intelligent Christians” on the main page. YUP, 100% TOTAL SANCTITY UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER. Good thing the queers can’t get in on THIS action!!
RuPauloplasty.
Listen guys- We have got to have a standard, otherwise everyone in society is going to be effected!
Oh no! I sound like an asshole!
I hereby officially announce the VIDEOGUM BRIDALPLASTY DRINKING GAME. The only rule is that you have to watch the show and take a shot every time it makes you hate society.
I’m holding you responsible for my medical bills once I’m inevitably hospitalized for severe alcohol poisoning.
i drink too much as it is! are you trying to kill me?
Your avatar does appear to have an overabundance of flop sweat. Are you feeling ok, sadmalander?
I’ll walk it off
I’ll be in the ER by the time the opening credits are done.
Can I just sign up for a new liver now, then?
Only if you’re both engaged and competitive. You have to EARN that new liver!
True story: My doctor told me this summer that my liver may not be processing alcohol correctly and that it was all sorts of fucked, saying to stay away from alcohol and acetaminophen at all costs (read: the night before and the morning after, respectively).
What’s great is that when you’re dead, you can drink as much as you want! A round of afterlife ale for everyone!
- DSN, 2009-2010
time and place? see you november 28th!
Oh man, we should DEFINITELY make this a for real drinking game. Except for the part when I woke up hung over on the 29th and have to explain to my wife why I’m not celebrating her birthday with her. Other than that, I AM IN!
just surprise her with plastic surgery. problem fixed.
Wow….I mean..just…wow, what have we become?
Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves, brides becoming plastic monsters. The circle of life. Hakuna matata.
Spooky, scary, indeed.
“Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery,” E! said.
If there’s one thing weddings are about, it’s not having a god damn clue what your wife looks like. Mail order barf.
Next they’ll be giving cosmetic operations to dogs (birdie plasty, if you will) so they look like humans so we can marry them you guys! Slippery slope!
Ugh, my tuxedo cat is already so well dressed. What next?!?!
And my dog is too handsome! I’ll have to avert my gaze when he walks into the room (also known as “Jon Hamm-level handsometude”).
C:\Documents and Settings\aribeir\Desktop\Hamm Lab.JPG
Hopefully this works….but probably not cause I’m borderline retarded.
:::fingers crossed:::
How did you get a camera inside my house?!?
Speaking of things changing shape and/or size: the Videogum format! Has it shrunk for anyone else this week? The main box is about half size and the font et. al is shrunk down to a minuscule size. As a 74 year old man who just wants to keep up with what his grandkids are sexting about it’s really a pain to have to read the sight with bifocals. Is this happening to anyone else?
Try holding down CTRL and using the scroll wheel on your mouse.
This is assuming you are using Windows, I’m not sure about Macs. Also I don’t know if this will work in browsers other than Firefox.
YES! But it was only Videogum, which is weird. Thanks though.
on macs it’s the apple key plus the – and + keys.
“…Has it shrunk for anyone else this week? The main box is about half size…As a 74 year old man who just wants to keep…sexting it’s really a pain…”
TWSS.
Oh, man. There are so many people to hate here.
1. The contestants
2. The fiances, who are no doubt at least as horrific as the contestants
3. E!
4. Shanna Moakler
5. The sponsors
6. Da Cake Eatur (?!?!?)
“is you relly a sqwerl?”
“Sadly, no. But I’ve had some work done.”
7. Gabe, for telling us about this awefulness
As Cee-Lo says, “I pity the fooooooool that falls in love with you”
As
Cee-LoGwyneth Paltrow says, “I pity the fooooooool that falls in love with you”“Oh, man. She’s a gold digger. Just thought you should know, friend.”
-Gwyneth Paltrow
hahahaha so good.
I wonder how many people would be getting married CONTINGENT on the plastic surgery
I feel like these might be the same people that would later force their daughters on Toddlers & Tiaras. Which, btdubs….LOVE that show.
Earlier this week, Satan released a statement, saying:
“I tricked the world into being eternally unhappy with how they look and filled everyone with a painful empty feeling. I made them believe that if they only were able to have a ‘perfect’ wedding, which we all know does not exist, they would have the happy life they have always wanted. But I had no idea it would come to this and I sincerely apologize.”
Only man can make the devil feel remorse.
I know I am emptying out inside because I am less and less surprised or worried or even confused when I see things like this. I’m losing touch, guys.
Their lives are Twilight.
Ugh, sorry for this lazy comment guys. I’ve got an American Lit test in about 20 minutes and my brain is officialy fried from studying too much last night. At this point I could probably only make a few jokes about The Scarlet Letter, but I doubt anyone wants to hear those…
I do!!
Like, he really needs to Chill(ingsworth)
“Be true! Be true! Be true! Show freely to the world, if not your worst, yet some trait whereby the worst may be inferred!”
Awwww, you guys are great! I’m just full of Scarlet Letter puns today!
These women are certainly no Pearls.
I suppose there reasons for doing this is that they want to look like Prynne-up models.
I wouldn’t want to be any where near the church when the Bellinghams ring for their wedding days.
I am going to be chuckling for hours because of this. I will shuffle it in with that gif of Jon Hamm’s weird cry face from snl, guaranteeing ear-to-ear grins for the remainder of the day.
Logged in specifically to upvote this. You, sir or madam, are the complete opposite of this show (which is to say you are the best).
(re: paperstreetsoap)
I… I want to go there…
(PS – and I’ve been thinking this forever now – judging by you name and avatar, we should be best friends. Maybe we already are!)
we’re friends, we’re friends. Who says we’re not friends?
sometimes society makes me sad (all the time), but the worst part here is that after i watched the trailer i thought, “what would i get?” that’s sad enough, but the fact that my answer was “lipo” and that i then thought that counted as “good” self esteem… society makes me sad and i am part of said society.
E! is a terrible channel for terrible people to watch terrible other people do terrible things terribly. Also, my dad watches it a lot.
Me: Can we talk about BRIDALPLASTY?
My Friend: I don’t know what was worse: modern entertainment, or people watching lions kill people in ancient Rome for fun.
Me: Modern entertainment is your answer: Kim Kardashian demo with The Dream (http://www.dlisted.com/node/39501)