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Two weeks ago was the one year anniversary of Balloon Boy’s Falcon Heene‘s dramatic and exciting adventure through the skies into a box in the attic. Of course, what had at first seemed like a NATIONAL TRAGEDY, turned out to be a RIDICULOUS HOAX, concocted by Falcon’s father, Richard, a real coconut. Perhaps you remember the theme song that Richard Heene wrote and recorded himself for the reality TV show pitch he was putting together called Psychic Detectives? Classic coconut stuff. The stuff that coconuts do. Anyway, a year is a long time, and Falcon’s parents Richard and (the long-suffering) Mayumi had some time in prison to think about what they had done. Prison, especially for suburban middle-class fame-hungry parents, is a humbling experience, one assumes, and so obviously we would be right to expect that when they returned home, they wanted nothing more than to spend as much time as possible with their children, to repair the family bond, and to move past their collective, national embarrassment. Surely, they would not, for example, invent a piece of simulated wood that you affix to the wall using an electric drill called The Bear Scratch, for scratching hard to reach places on one’s itchy back, and surely, if they were to invent such a thing for some reason, they wouldn’t make a COMPLETELY INSANE INFOMERCIAL (AFTER THE JUMP) to sell it. No. No way! Just hugs and bedtime stories and trips to Disneyland, I’m sure.
Oh WHOOOOOPS.
I like the part at the end when he pretends to verbally abuse his wife! You guys remember that World’s Best Dad mousepad we bought for Richard Heene? We have to put it in the garbage. Why? Because WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER WORLD’S BEST DAD MOUSEPAD! (Via Westword. Thanks for the tip, incredimarc and Abdullah.)
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Speaking of What’s Up With Balloon Boy’s Father…
If Richard Heene wants to sell any Bear Scratches, he needs to hire Eye-on Ziering to give small presentations ASAP.
Doesn’t he know that the only way to extend fame nowadays is to murder someone after your hiccups stop?
I was waiting for the moment he would announce that his son was abducted by bears but, sadly, that never happened…
I do love that he puts the Bear Scratch over the sharp corner of the wall so that no one will notice that all homes come with tons of preinstalled Bear Scratch posts (aka your damn wall).
1. He shouldn’t put his name on it! Your association with the product, sir, does not make it more desirable.
2. So you have to walk all the way over to this thing whenever you want to scratch your back? NEXT.
3. I’m surprised they didn’t try to pass this off as some piece of interdimensional technology recovered from that “UFO Test” that was totally-real-and-not-a-hoax-you-guys.
As someone employed in the intellectual property sector, I have never felt so ashamed of my profession as I do right now. Thanks, Richard Heene, for making my student loans a constant reminder of my shame and humiliation. Thanks a bunch.
Can you help me patent my idea for a floating tea cup and automatic book turner so that whilst reading in the winter under a warm blanket, I don’t have to move until I want a sip of tea, yet both book and mug are right there in front of me?
Please don’t be lying to be about this idea. I have never heard of anything so wonderful in all my days.
However, big snuggie might try to take you down. Fair warning.
I’d never lie about such a thing! It is a wonderful idea with no practical basis, like most of my ideas.
This becomes a problem when you have an idea that is something like: 1. give up apartment, 2. quit job, 3. move in with your former landlords while looking for a new apartment and job, but really just enjoying hanging out with them and their dog, your goddog, too much.
Finally, big snuggie will never find me, will never defeat me.
PT, you are going to love this. I am pioneering a new kind of book called “television” and a new kind of hot tea called “root beer in a rubber tube attached directly to your mouth.” I think this addresses the problems you have.
Mans, I am intrigued by these concepts, and could possibly providing funding, or a human test subject, please tell me more.
1. Does this television have a wide variety of book type things to choose from? Can I be both entertained and intellectually stimulated?
2. Is there porn?
3. Is root beer the only option, or does this new hot tea come in other flavors?
How is that not a recipe for an instant nap? Getting a tiny jolt of cold air when I go to turn the page or get a sip of tea is sometimes the only thing keeping me awake in this scenario.
Two things. First, I am more likely to fall asleep while struggling to find a way to join a conversation at a party where I know under 65 percent of the people there than I am whilst reading. Second, though I don’t do it often, I am actually fully in support of the reading style which is punctuated by naps. I do this in the summer more often than not, read a while, fall asleep, wake up, read more, fall asleep.
Fair enough. I actually love taking reading-induced naps, though I rarely have full days to devote to that anymore (my naps tend to be 2+ hours in duration). I’m actually less likely to fall asleep at a party where I don’t know anyone than a party where I know everyone. That’s actually kind of my rep, the chick who falls asleep at a party at 11pm.
His lawyer (Mans) found a legal loophole. They courts banned him from profiting off of the balloon boy ordeal, but they didn’t say anything about making money from his ability to be a complete jackass!
I did not represent Richard Heene in that matter. I represented the balloon.
“Your honor, my client is full of hot air and loves to get very high.”
Did that work? That line didn’t work when I was defending my friend over a traffic ticket.
“How I Made $37,000 to Pay Off My Legal Expenses that I Incurred as a Result of a Hoax Involving My Children: The Richard Heene Story”
now available at Amazon.
Amazon sells unfinished novels?
Sorry guys, I’m from the future.
Do I ever get to date Carey Mulligan?
Yes. You assume Shia LeBeouf’s role in Transformers 4: This time Its 4 Real and she immediately leaves him for you. Congrats!
Huzzuh! I’d work for Michael Bay if it meant I would get to date her. Disappointed, fading. Though I still am struggling to get over the fact that my first word this morning was “donuts?”, only to find out there were none.
Is there anything beyond 2012? Pleasesaynopleasesaynopleasesayno.
I hear they are making a film adaptation with Justin Bieber as the balloon boy himself.
i know who’s going to play him in the made-for-TV movie adaptation…
Making an infomercial for a retarded invention called the “Bear Scratch” isn’t normal. But on meth it is.
Looks like someone discovered cocaine whilst in prison.
Also, this isn’t something he should be so excited about, we humans discovered this ages ago. Back when I worked at a movie theatre, the walls were basically carpeted with the scratchiest carpet ever and this huge coworker would often angle his back into a corner and scratch, exactly like a bear. I would hide and watch, wondering how a man could look so like a bear, and remind myself to keep my distance if he brought his kids to the theatre.
(Thanks, Gabe, for a solid start to your morning. I’ve been working since seven, wondering when it would be past nine so Videogum might get updated.)
His Behavior says he was on something before prison.
Stupid and desperate for attention aren’t drugs.
Just ask Lindsey Lohan! http://www.JayLenoJokes.com
Damn you! I am terribly disappointed for the second time this morning and it’s only 10 am. Life is hard.
I wasn’t clear. I thought that the link was a real website that generated terrible Jay Leno jokes.
Videogum Everywhere mission?
Now the line “son of a twitch” makes a little more sense.
Answer: Stick, screw, sway, and scratch.
Question: What are four things Richard Heene did in prison?
He should have just done the Bear Necessities song .
True. I think Big Al is available after his own 6 month stint in the clink for indecent exposure (he showed his bear ass)
Winwood has really let himself go…
To be fair, “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” has a different connotation in prison.
So does “two and a half inches of thick material.”
Thick hard gel coat.
Stop being such an asshole, Richard Heene.
Party guests making fun of your Bear Scratch? Simply beat them to death with the Bear Scratch!
so i’m considering pitching a reality show starring balloon boy and hiccup girl titled, “don’t burst my bubble (with that gun you were going to shoot me with)”. thoughts?
“Dad, how about rather than trying to get a bear to scratch your back, you just put some fake wood on a corner and then lean against it? I mean, I think we were lucky this time to not get killed and the peanut butter you smeared on my back is uncomfortable.” –Falcon Heene
“Dad, how about rather than trying to scratch your back by putting some fake wood on a corner and leaning against it you find a bear to scratch it for you? Here’s some peanut butter, smear it on your back. Make sure you go deep enough into the woods so any bears you find won’t be startled by anyone else.” – Falcon Heene
if your back itches so badly that you need to affix a giant post of fake wood to your wall, you might want to see a dermatologist. themoreyouknowgum.
I’m absolutely shocked that Richard Heene would doctor his bear footage so blatantly.
“I got this idea one time when I was rolling with a bear.” – Richard Heene
I think I’ve just figured out how to imagine the dancing bear in a tutu at the end of Blood Meridian.
I “invented” something like this in 4th grade for the science fair. It was basically a piece of Astro Turf glued to a wall. I think I knew, even at that age, what a terrible idea it was.
This looks like a giant piece of shit! LITERALLY!
Arggh! I’m so incensed by how horrible this invention actually is. You’re lying in bed at night and your back is itchy — it’s happened to all of us. Obviously, the best solution is to get out of bed, put on your robe and slippers ‘cuz it’s chilly, run downstairs to the one corner of wall in your laundry room or garage where you felt comfortable installing this eye-sore, and spend the next 10 minutes squirming upright in the dark. Oops, don’t forget to take off your robe again, since you can’t feel the scratcher through it!
“What do you mean I didn’t get the part? It’s a straight-to-Internet informercial, and I’m a big star. Was I not coked out enough?” — Chris Klein.
Also, “Our budget shortfall is OVER!” — The Salvation Army
But can I install it with Mighty Putty?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_4a4O7kXQo
I was sold at “son of a twitch.” He doesn’t sacrifice artistic integrity for the censors. He knows we know what he meant. He’s basically a PROFESSIONAL WRITER.
That’s your USF Bulls fan!
[USF alumni hide their heads in shame]
“My business card reads ‘Adventurer.’” -Your Dad
When asked to comment on The Bear Scratch Heene’s neighbor had this to say, “From BEHIND!?”
“Try not to puke on national TV and blow our cover, log.” — Richard Henne to Bear Scratch
Oh man Heene is bang on with this one, people always scratch the left side of my back and i’m always like “guys, its the RIGHT!”. Bear scratch saved my day.
I’m gonna bear-size my order so I can avoid the inevitable lines and fights that will break out in my home when there’s only one Bear Scratch (patent pending).
Desperate “inventors” are so depressing. I worked for a super-sketchy “Get your invention patented and in stores NOW!!!” company a few years ago, and so many “inventions” were so terrible, but the people who thought them up were generally very nice. Not the “hands-as-bra-cups” guy, maybe, or the “mistletoe belt buckle” person, but their items were weirder than them.
“Patent pending,” Richard Heene if you do not mortgage your house for a patent lawyer you will never patent that terrible thing.
Time for Ernest to go back to jail.
I’m glad people brought up the idea of drugs because as I watched that I thought “up phase of bipolar disorder”, and that made me sad. But, if he’s on drugs, I can freely call him “Richard Hiney” and laugh at the idea that a “thick gel coat” makes anything scratchy (and feel sad for his family).
Where would R. Buckminster Fuller install this?
Crackhead.