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And thus ended Back to the Future Week, or whatever. Of course, the big (non-Stoltz) story of the week, obviously, was the rescue of the Chilean miners. What a good story! Very happy ending, that is for sure. But this was also the week of Carl Paladino. And Bill O’Reilly won’t shut up about how his face looks like a stained pair of worn out tennis shorts Ground Zero Mosque. And so, this week, like all weeks, you have to take the good with the bad (and it’s hard to actually argue that the rescue of the Chilean miners was 100 percent good insofar as the only reason the rescue was necessary in the first place was due to the inhumane and exploitative demands of our global economy, but mostly it was good. And speaking of good/bad at the same time, did you watch this yet?). You know what else you have to take good with bad with? INTERNET COMMENTS! And so here we are. The circle forever unbroken.

After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of this week’s Zach Galifianakis Swimsuit Calendar Caption Contest, the Editor’s Choice, and the WINNER OF THE VIDEOGUM SONG CONTEST!

This Week’s Highest Rated Comments

#5 Mans | Oct 8th Score:100

“In other news, a historic accord was reached today between the adherents of all of the world’s religions and every atheist and agnostic on the face of the planet to recognize the existence and nature of an all-consuming, sulfur-reeking HELL for the express purpose of providing long term housing for a Ms. Jennifer Lynn Petkov and her husband. When reached for comment, God said, ‘It just makes sense. It felt like the right time, and we were able to get everyone on board with this one. I am very excited.’”

Posted in: That’s Your Girlfriend: Jennifer Lynn Petkov
#4 huckabeast | Oct 13th Score:103

Great Scott Pilgrim VS The World

Posted in: Best New Party Game 34: Back To The Future Edition
#3 Baby Friday | Oct 11th Score:111

In abject poverty born and raised

On the scenic roof is where I spent most of my days.

I had to tell my kid that he’d never be a star,

But a guy like me–I knew I’d go far.

When a stockbroker guy, prolly up to no good,

Started tryin’ to park in my neighborhood.

I saw his phat ride and decided right there,

“I’m competing for that internship, to get to Bel Air.”

I whistled for a cab, and when it came near,

I saw it was the guy who could make my career.

If anything I could have shown real credentials,

But instead I solved a puzzle and drove the guy mental.”

I jogged–how many times, about seven or eight?

and I yelled to my ‘hood, “Yo, peeps, smell ya later!”

Looked at my kingdom, I was finally rich,

To sit on my throne as the Happyest Bitch.

Posted in: The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time: The Pursuit Of Happyness
#2 witt | Oct 8th Score:135

When someone tells me that I shouldn’t “hate” anyone, I’m going to direct them to this video.

“Oh my lord, what a cunt” – The Pope

Posted in: That’s Your Girlfriend: Jennifer Lynn Petkov
#1 DuckDuck | Oct 8th Score:183

Coincidentally my girlfriend suffers from Cuntington’s Disease.

Posted in: That’s Your Girlfriend: Jennifer Lynn Petkov

[Ed. note: Jennifer Lynn Petkov is so awful! Just a really horrible person that surprises you in a world increasingly low on surprises at just how terrible people can really get. I know this is both an impolite thing to say that makes me just as bad as Jennifer Lynn Petkov in a way, and also that it's a worn out joke that has been made multiple times before because I have seen it made, but now that the Chilean miners are all rescued, CAN WE PUT JENNIFER LYNN PETKOV DOWN THERE? (Incidentally, Jennifer Lynn Petkov is currently in JAIL for trying to run someone over with her car, in an entirely unrelated incident to the incident that made you fall in love with her.)]

This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment

#1 ClownCoffee | Oct 11th Score:-36
In your heart you know he’s right.
Posted in: That’s Your Boyfriend: Carl Paladino

[Ed. note: Oh boy. As someone who knows Clown Coffee personally and considers him a friend, I cannot defend this comment, and have no desire to, although I do know that he was purposefully trying to antagonize the community and bait people into downvoting and arguing with him. Congrats, pal? You did it? He seems to do that on most of the "homosexual/homophobics news" posts, which, considering that he is an openly gay man, makes it very complicated indeed. "You guys, I'm worried about Clown Coffee," etc. Seriously, not quite sure what is going on there. Maybe I should call him. In any case, kind of a dick comment! And whether it was in an effort to elicit a specific response or not, dick comments get dick votes. So.]

This Week’s Caption Contest Winner

hellsbells53 | Oct 12th Score:66

Are we sure this isn’t Seth?

Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t YOU Caption It? Contest: Zach Galifianakis Swimsuit Calendar

[Ed. note: Congratulations, hellsbells53. You earned it!]

This Week’s Editor’s Choice

Mans | Oct 12th Score:94

There is a MONSTER at the end of this thread! OH, I am so scared of monsters! Please don’t scroll down.

I have an idea. If you won’t scroll down, we will never get to the end of this thread, and we won’t see the MONSTER.

Posted in: Smell Like A Monster Open Thread

[Ed. note: Actually, this comment is the first in an entire thread of comments, all authored by Mans, that is a very specific reference to a really good children's book. It's very funny and very well done, and it is that entire thread that wins this week's Editor's Choice, although that cumulative win is here represented by the initial comment. Go read the whole thing!]

AND NOW, THE WINNER OF THE VIDEOGUM SONG CONTEST

In third place, with 91 votes:
Topknot – “We Should All Be So Lucky” by Videogum

In second place, with 584 votes:
Lawblog – “We Monsters” by Videogum

And the winner of the Videogum Song Contest, with 804 votes:
Del Preston – “J.O.R.T.S” by Videogum

And now, a note on all that: I know that some people are confused and/or concerned about the outcome of this competition because many regular readers voted for “We Monsters” and felt that song was the clear winner. What happened was that Del Preston posted about the contest on another message board on which he/she participates, and non-Videogum readers came and voted for his/her song. And fair enough! There was never any mention in the rules about NOT being allowed to mount a successful viral Get Out The Vote campaign, so as far as I am concerned, “J.O.R.T.S” won fair and square. Them’s the breaks. That being said: Del Preston actually wrote an email explaining what happened and requesting that the song be taken out of the competition because he/she felt guilty over its success. That was very thoughtful! So what I propose is that the final voting tally stands as the Official Results of the Contest. But if Del Preston would like to exchange his prize with Lawblog, that would be fine. Please DM me. And congratulations to Topknot and everyone who entered. Have a great weekend everyone.

Comments (149)
  1. CONGRATS to the song winners despite THE EDRAMA!
    For those THAT DO NOT know, Bookgum NOW has a Facebook PAGE (in an effort TO LIMIT DUMPING links in the comment LIKE I’M DOING here now).

    All MONSTERS who are interested in BOOKGUM AND getting BOOKGUM UPDATES should click LIKE and HELP MAKE the kid FROM ZOMBIELAND richer.

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/Bookgum/157325097634408

  2. Impressive fantasies.
    Millennium Falcon themed panties.

  3. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  4. Wow, Del, that is very classy. I was upset to see that “We Monsters” was in second, and for me that’s really the most “Videogummy” song of all the ones submitted (I liked my husband’s too! No bad wife-o!). I am not ashamed to admit that I have “We Monsters” on the ol’ iPod, and have listened to it, and I guess it’s like the soundtrack to my life now.

    (Keep rambling, Baby Friday, it’s going really well.)

    • Does anyone else want to hug Del Preston for being so classy cause I want want to hug Del Preston for being so classy

    • I would like to say, good job to all of the song folks. I know it takes alot to write and record a song, and even more to share that, so GOO JOB! You all are all great.

    • Things I did: Put “We Monsters” on my October 2010 playlist, in between the Marina and the Diamonds cover of “Starstrukk” and “Power” by Kanye West.
      Things I tried to do and failed: Explain to my wife what any of the references meant.

      • I want so badly to share the song with the world, but alas–the world just don’t understand.

        And it’s probably only like 75% because it mentions me. The other 25% is pure talent.

        • I put “We Monsters” on my iPod and made everyone I knew listen to it, but no one understood.
          Everyone I know: “What you mean Amanda Bynes retired?” , “Who is Jeremy London?”, “Who is Basil Marceux?”, “noob fag, sad Don Draper, Godsauce, rapist at lin–wait, what? Whuuut?”

          Me: :(

      • i put “we monsters” on my october 2010 playlist, in between plan b’s “the recluse (netsky remix)” and “monster” by kanye west. my cleverness was a total accident though.
        things i tried to do and succeeded: get the song stuck in my partner’s head.

    • First of all, I want to thank all the monsters who voted for “We Monsters.” I made it to express my love for this site and you wonderful people, and I’m really glad that so many of you liked it.

      Second of all, I would like to thank Del Preston for making a truly kickass song and for being a class act. The fact is that Gabe is right. There were no rules at all about who could vote, and though your sentiment is appreciated, it is unnecessary. You are the deserving winner. JORTS is stuck in my head, like, all the time. For real.

      Anyway, rambling aside, you guys are all great, and congratulations to Del Preston. You earned it!

      • You’re pretty classy yourself, lawblog.

      • I am proud to be Taylor Hicks to Lawblog’s Chris Daughtry, and would love to take the iTunes card and run, but I can’t accept first place. I am 99% sure that the outpouring of “J.O.R.T.S” votes was not the result of a viral movement so much as some well-intentioned e-pranksterism on the parts of one or two guys from that other message board that Gabe mentioned. I think what they were doing was coming from a good place, but that doesn’t legitimate my victory.

        “We Monsters” is definitely the people’s jam, and I continue to be stoked to have been a part of all this. Thanks for all your understanding, monsters!

    • I have a side gig DJing in midtown Manhattan (IRLGum here, not joking). Decided to give the paying customers a lil treat and threw J.O.R.T.S. on:

      Went over like gangbusters. Might have a new club hit.

  5. Great week, Monsters! I hope next week is as enjoyable! And great week, Chilean miners! I hope you all remembered to clock out!

  6. I think we were all winners this week. That’s some good work, monsters. Let’s go get drunk.

  7. Does this mean I won the Topher Grace autographed photo? And what’s up with him, anyway?

    But seriously, thanks to everyone who voted for my song! This is literally the biggest success I’ve had in my musical career.

  8. This was great and I can’t read the West Coast Monster’s Ball to see if I can spot the differences.
    Have a good weekend &c.

  9. Is it bad that I just joined Videogum one week ago and it’s already the focus of my hourly duties as an overpaid government employee to somehow get a comment in the week’s highest comment…? As long as my life has sunken to this level, I’m happy so many of you are already here to cushion the fall.

    One comment made it to 33 upvotes so far, so I’ll keep working as hard(?) as I can! Maybe my embarrassingly eager effort will make up for marginal wit and intelligence and get me there.

    Thanks nerds.

  10. Congrats Del Preston! “From the moment I rise/denim covers my thighs” makes me lots of love every time I listen to the song (which is often).

    Have a great weekend, monsters!

  11. Word on your girlfriend is definitely out:
    http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/dpp/news/local/woman-who-taunted-kathleen-edward-is-arrested_jennifer_petkov_20100915_dk

    00:21 “But this time what she’s accused of doing is a CLEAR CUNT CRIME”

  12. OMG, this is so amazing! I was not expecting this at all! I don’t even have a speech prepared! I want to first thank my family — I love you all so much. Miss Cox, my 1st grade teacher, you were so inspiring! And my agent Carl and all the people at Dudeco … Oh, there are so many things I want to say but they’re giving me signals… Um, thank you, God and Gabe and … Just, THANK YOU!!!

  13. I left some info in the comments about the support effort taking place for 7 year-old Kathleen, victim of your horrible girlfriend. Some Videogum Monsters (more like Mawwwwwwnsters) donated to the cause and might be happy to know that Kathleen got her dream day of toy shopping. The news coverage is here and there is also some extra footage with a great close-up here.

    I like when the internet focuses on love instead of vengeance. Hooray, everyone!

  14. Here’s a link to my entry for the song contest ( mp3 and lyrics pdf)
    I don’t even want any money or nuffink. I am just doing it for the kids !

  15. It’s the weekend guys time to grab some rest


    or maybe dance


    and if anyone tells you otherwise

  16. I would just like to remind you all that I won thisismynightmare’s favorite comment of the week, basically worth more than any of the awards given here.

    • principal enchman, with the exception of huckabeast’s comments (seriously, where does he come from?), your comments get to me more than any other Monster. I’ll do my part to put you in the Ball.

    • You did! Let’s remind everyone how great that comment was in case they missed it:

      Wes stared at his entire repertoire, an endless file of khaki corduroy suits hanging in his closet. Unsatisfied with his options, he returned to his computer and began typing a strongly worded email the Analecta, the literary magazine from his alma matter. He moused over the fonts, heavily divided between helvetica and futura, but ultimately, no matter how hard he tried to break habit, he stuck to it and choose futura. Pulling back wisps of his amber hair back from his forehead, he stared at the email and considered its tone. Again, as much as he would like to change it, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. “Old habits die hard,” he muttered to himself. He hit send, rose, and went to wash his face. He stared in the mirror above his sink, locked eyes with his own self, and ruefully whispered “It’s good to be white.”

    • and you referenced the analecta! i submitted to that back when i thought i had a chance at the iowa writer’s workshop.

  17. Man, you guys, I barely commented at all this week. I feel like I’m standing in the corner covered in bees DON’T COME NEAR ME, I SHOULDN’T EVEN HAVE SHOWN UP AT THE BALL.

  18. I was in the Monster’s Ball in the first or second week completely by accident–an STD joke, I think (of course it was). I realized that every comment since then, I’ve just been chasing that initial high.

  19. I am just so glad to be here. I love you guys. (obviously had my rum and coke fix.)

  20. I just remembered: Monday the WMOAT is Nothing But Trouble. A serious, soul-eating, heavyweight contender. I wish it were already Monday. The weekend is just going to drag and drag…

  21. i cried throughout the entire joel burns speech

  22. So, did any of you guys go over to Stereogum to comment/look at the comments about the Phil Spector movie?
    Because We Monsters ownped (is that how the kids type it?) that thread. Surprise cameos from facetaco, Godsauce, topknot, Baby Friday, Frank Lloyd Wrong, sadmalandar, paperstreetsoap, Hey Now!, teacherman and thisismynightmare all showing folks how it’s done, and then huckabeast absolutely fucking KILLS it. He got 13 upvotes, which seems to be record of some sort over there.
    You guys should see.
    http://stereogum.com/540682/name-the-phil-spector-biopic-starring-al-pacin/casting-couch/
    (I know I probably missed somebody)

  23. I’m just gonna show up at the bottom of this thread drunk. I’m drunk! Guys.

    • Me too! Drunky high-fives! When I wake up tomorrow (as the sun sets, probably), future-me will be so angry at right-now-me. But I’m pretty sure future-me is a jerk who deserves to suffer.

  24. So can I give a shout-out over herre to a thread at the start of the week that features some of the funniest stuff I’ve seen ANYWHERE in a while? In the back-end of a thread about a Cougar dating webservice an inpropmptu BNPG began, as they often do, where puns are made based on a specific topic. In this case, the topic was philosophers.

    WHERE ELSE ON THE FRIKKIN’ INTERNET WOULD THIS HAPPEN!

    I love videogum, and I love that behind the Monster’s Ball, or the caption contests, where Monsters always bring their A-Game, you have crazy-good, crazy-intelligent commenting. Every day, every thread, regardless of whether it is upvoted enough to be recognised officially, Videogum is consistently amazing. It is of no interest to me how self-congratulatory this sounds, I think it’s a minor miracle this place exists on a thing so complex and open to anger and hate and division as the Internet. Start here: http://videogum.com/234031/cougarlife-com-you-guys/webjunk/#comment-7891151 and keep reading. That’s why I keep coming back here, and why this is my 2nd most visited website behind The Facebook. Love-fest Over.

    • Wow, that thread was fucking brilliant. Can’t believe I missed the fun.

    • YES! Thank you Capu – I was wondering where the shout out for the Philosopher BNPG. The best the best the best. Cakeordeath, if I had your phone number I would sext you up big time.

    • whoa. so good. ” you’re bound deleuze.”
      too bad i will never be able to use this IRL!

      on a related community note, last night i was talking about the lost finale and how i was stuck in the caribbean while it was happening: “i was tweeting so hard on my kindle with the monsters.”
      and then i realized what had just come out of my mouth. and i was not ashamed!

  25. I just wanted to post in honor of my grandmother, who turned 100 years old yesterday: Happy Birthday, Grandma! We’re having a grand old bash at her church tomorrow and I hope she doesn’t get the vapors with all the attention and everything. Wish us luck! :)

    • Just to give you an idea how awesome a grandma she is and always will be, she used to drive over in her grandma-mobile, sitting on a pillow (because she’s basically four feet tall), driving 15 miles an hour EVERYDAY my mom worked second shift, so that my brothers and I wouldn’t have to come home to an empty house. She ROCKED the after school snacks even though we were old enough to get them ourselves, but it was just so cool to know that someone CARED that MUCH!

  26. I wish I had a family.

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