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[Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum's Official Expert on this season of Glee.]
Duetz! Neato! I was pretty into this episode of Glee, it being an episode of Glee and all. Conspicuously missing, for the better, was too-seriousness and nonsense; conspicuously missing for the worse were Sue and Puck. Yo! Don’t do dat. Maybe Jane Lynch’s appearance on SNL this past weekend had something to do with her absence? I literally don’t know shit about shit. But if Puck and Sue are the price we have to pay for a couple interesting songs, Mercedes living up to her DIVINE POTENTIAL, and very little Theology 101, then so be it. I’m tuning in for funny bullshit, loud horsefarts, and Sam in the shower. This week delivered on all that and more.
The episode begins with some news: Puck is in juvie because he drove a Volvo into a convenience store and stole the ATM? But we never actually see him in the episode so maybe the real Puck is in real jail? Or sick? Yeah, you guys think that, I’ll give him back when I’m DONE WITH HIM. In the meantime, Naked Shower Sam is taking his place in Nude Erections. This makes Kurt all bubbly in his gaynus, and when the Gleetards find out that their assignment for the week is to scream an amazing duet (and the winning duo gets an all-expenses paid vacation to a restaurant called Breadsticks), he knows who his partner has to be. Kurt asks Sam to scream with him, pretty flirtatiously, and accuses him of dying his hair blonde; Sam agrees to scream a song with him because _____. Schwing?
Across town, Santana and Brittany the Perfect are making out, and Brittany the Perfect is INTO IT, but Santana’s very up front about how she’s just using Brittany the Perfect while Puck’s pecs are in the clink (“I’m like a lizard, I need something warm underneath me or I can’t digest my food”—Santana). I wonder how lesbians feel about male gayness being all sensitively-talked-about with tears and speeches on Glee, while lesbianism is exists only as a porn-for-straights non-issue which requires no commitment, no conviction, and means nothing in the grand scheme of a person’s character. They’re probably cool with it, yeah?
Santana the Non Lesbian OKAY? wants to sing her duet with Mercedes, even though (we’re supposed to know this?) Mercedes hates Santana’s sleek and hetero guts. Mercedes agrees though, because _____. Rachel and Finn rehearse their duet—“Don’t Go Breakin’ My <3” by Elton John and Kiki Dee. It’s pretty great; despite Finn’s cokey face-acting, his screaming has reached Rachel-level goodness (in its own way), perhaps through software (I’m retarded about that shit, never pick up on it unless the artist has decided that I’m VERY supposed to):
Then Rachel opens up for a sec about how her writers have turned her into a monstrous cunt, with the words and actions they’ve created for her lately. She convinces Finn to lose the duet contest with her on purpose, Shoeless Joe style, so that Sam, the newdest Nude Erection in town, can enjoy some glory. How big of her.
Mike is so scared to scream a duet with Tina because he is an incredible dancer with incredible ab definition and a Heaven face and what’s his number?, but he is very bad at screaming music notes. Tina’s not hearing that shit—there’s gotta be a spell she can do to make her too-hot boyfriend scream on key (a little sage, two eyes of newt, the musk sack of one Christine O’Donnell). She’s desperate to go to Breadsticks and have a non-Asian date with Mike (all they ever do is go out for dim sum with Mike’s mom), where the salads don’t have chicken feet in them (their words not mine).
Brittany the Perfect sets her sights on Artie for a duet partner. Artie’s confused because Brittany the Perfect has never talked to him before, or even made eye contact with him because “for a while [she] thought [he was] a robot,” but now she’s fake turned on by the idea of wheeling him around: “I just really wanna get you in a stroller.” WOW.
Naked Shower Sam is back in the locker room where it’s NO SHIRTS FOREVER, having a heart-to-ape-heart with Finn. Finn thinks it’s a bad idea for Sam to scream with Kurt because McKinley High is homophobic and that would be a “death sentence” (JESUS!). Sam’s like ‘fuck that noise,’ because he’s heard Kurt scream and thinks he sounds like Faith Hill, A.K.A. perfect I guess? Man, is this kid building a mystery or what?! Then he sashays out of the locker room (with a shirt on) and gets gang-Slurpee’d by McKinley’s nameless Football Bullies. Whoever owns the 711 in Glee, Ohio, is richer than a sultan.
Quinn witnesses Sam’s syruping, and decides to charitably bathe him in a sink. Quinn tells him about a time when she got Slurpee’d with a blueberry Slurpee and it made her pussy look like Avatar. Sam LOVEZ that shit, and starts speaking to her in Na’vi, which is the first clue we get that sister is NOT gonna plug his ponytail into Kurt’s any time soon. Gays do not speak Na’vi, we speak Nell’s twin-speak: taaaaay in a weeeeeeeuhn, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl.
Kurt’s nursing Burt, his dad from Guts, back to health (he’s gotta kayak against the current in an above-ground pool in a windowless stadium 12 years ago ASAP), and over salt-free carrot soup tells his dad what Finn thinks of his new crush on Naked Shower Sam. Burt takes Finn’s side—until Kurt can find someone as courageous and open about his sexuality as he is, he can’t go around cornering straight boys. Frowny thing. Kurt’s gotta be alone ‘til college, where gay grows on trees. If only the internet existed when this scene was shot… That’s the real tragedy. Major ups to Kurt’s sweater in this scene.
Then the whole world ended because Santana and Mercedes screamed their duet: “River Deep Mountain High” by Ike and Tina Turner. FUCK. Would it kill Glee to make every song as energetic, beautiful, soulful, fun, remember-y, and on-point as this shit?
Weirdly, the episode continued. Mercedes and Santana’s incredibleness makes Rachel reconsider her life—maybe she’s not going to have to Shoeless Joe the duet-screaming Breadstick competition after all? Bitch might fail fair and square. Kurt is also reconsidering shit, so he marches right into the locker room to chat with Naked Shower Sam while he takes another naked shower. Does this fucking kid host Dirty Jobs during third period or something? Not that I’m cumplaining about all the naked showers he takes, but, like, I went to school for a million years and managed to mostly shower at home. Anyway, Kurt tells Naked Shower Sam that he doesn’t need to sing a duet with him, and Sam’s kinda hurt in a naked muscular big-pink-lipped way.
Rachel and Finn need to DEFINITELY lose the duet-screaming Breadstick-off for some reason from a million hours ago, so they decide they’ll scream a duet that not only sucks but will offend everyone too. Sweeeeet. Kurt decides that since he’s so alone in the fucking world, and because gay boys are AT LEAST half girls, he’ll sing “Le Jazz Hot” from Victor/Victoria by himself as a duet:
It’s a fully-staged number, and glorious in its way—the Gleetards, including Naked Shower Sam agree. Then Naked Shower Sam and Quinn go on a fancy date to the empty Science room, and he flirts with her by teaching her how to finger the long wooden shaft of his guitar to make it squeal just so. She seems kind of into it (CAN U BLAME HER) until he tries to kiss her with his gigantic and gorgeous kielbasa lips, and she flipz. She can’t make out with some STUD, she’s supposed to be focusing on HERSELF right now (and focusing on herself I think she means upstaging Santana in life and making Rachel absolutely miserable), post babydrama.
Tina and Mike queef “Sing!” from A Chorus Line as their duet, which suffers not from Tina and Mike, but from being such a cheezdick Broadway goof “song.” At it’s best it’s un-listen-to-able, on par with “Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better” or whatever, and dredges up false memories (from watching too much TV) of a fat, pimply cousin being forced to sing during dessert at Thanksgiving. But, I guess those fat, pimply cousins are exactly who put prosciutto on the Glee craft services table these days, snorting up merch like it’s sweet, sweet Adderall (NEVER FORGET THAT THE GLEE CAST KILLED THE BEATLES LAST WEEK), so it’s understandable that every 10 numbers or so will have to be like this one. That said, Mike and Tina did their thing—Mike dancing all amazingly (LOVED the “Pleasure Principle” chair move), and Tina screaming the correct notes and words:
Then Artie and Brittany the Perfect have to rehearse their duet and Brittany the Perfect is not so gr8 at screaming. Artie gets all upset because he misses screaming with Tina (the way it changed the weather and all), and Brittany the Perfect is like ‘I’ll help you get over Tina.’ Then Brittany the Perfect lifts Artie out of his chair, carries him to bed, and takes his virginity, saying “for our duet, we’re gonna do it.” YAY/perfect.
Then it’s time for Finn and Rachel to scream their offensive-on-purpose duet “With You I’m Born Again” by Syreeta White and Billy Preston (and reperfectated (perfect + regurgitated) by Mariah Carey and John Legend last year). It’s a sappy old Motown deep cut, so it’s pretty offensive in some ways to make Rachel and Finn scream it, but they try and make it exxxtra offensive by dressing Finn up like a priest and Rachel as either a nun or school girl I literally can’t tell. Man, Glee does offensive by accident way better than they do offensive on purpose:
Then it’s time for Quinn and Sam’s duet, which is “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. I’d never heard this song before, which makes sense ‘cuz it’s a snore.
All the Gleetards love that shit, except for Kurt, whose balls are so blue he can barely go on. Meanwhile, Artie finds out from Santana that Brittany the Perfect is a mondo sex slut and has tons of sex JUST FOR FUN. Where’s a fiery stake when you need one?! Artie hates this info, so he dumps Brittany the Perfect. She’s very sad about it—she was looking forward to a date with Artie at Breadsticks: “I wanted to order one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I’ve been practicing nudging the meatball across the table with my nose.”
Sam and Quinn win the duet-screaming competition because everyone votes for themselves except for Finn and Rachel who vote for Sam and Quinn. Rachel sees that Kurt is all hurt and lonely, so she tells him she wants to sing a duet with him just for the fuck of it, because he’s lonely, but he’s not alone. Cute.
Quinn and Sam go to Breadsticks, where he acts all goofy and says he’s not so gr8 with girls because he used to go to an all-boys boarding school. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a bunch of documentaries on that boarding school online for only $24.95 a minute with automatic re-bill? Also: yes, he did dye his hair blonde so that people at McKinley would think he was super-cool (the showers are helping, mami). Also: he’s not gay. Quinn decides that fuck-it this IS a date, and then gets all choked up for no reason (maybe part of the baby is still in her?), and the camera pans to the next booth, where Brittany the Perfect is playing out her Lady and the Tramp fantasy all by her lonesome. <3.
The episode ends with a duet of unGleemaginable proportionz: Kurt and Rachel scream Barbra and Judy’s version of “Happy Days are Here Again/Get Happy”:
If that’s not reckless disregard for the American gay death toll of late, me not know what is. Rachel and Kurt nailed it, and you could just tell they’ve been basically holding their breath for 39 and 12 years respectively to get to sing that shit on TV. Scream it, bitches.
Duets are great—fun, easy theme to plunge the Britney and Christ out of my craw. Also: nice distribution of screamportunities—I think we heard pretty much everyone’s voice besides Brittany the Perfect, Artie, and Schue, non? Oh, right, and Puck. But, yeah, duets: nice! Glee did an okay job of choosing songs this week, but here are some of my fav duets which woulda been way more chronic:
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I wasn’t able to watch last night’s episode b/c I went to a Matt & Kim show last night (which was amazing, and Matt stood next to me for like 20 minutes during the opening act, but I was too shy to talk to him…). Soft Gabe, your recap made me feel as though I was able to watch. Great job!
Ahhh…I was supposed to be there! My friend had an extra ticket but I had to work. How was it?
It was tons of fun! Big Freedia opened and there was all kinds of booty bouncing going on. Then when Matt & Kim came on, I was standing up stairs on the balcony and the people next to us took off their thongs and threw them on stage. It was kind of akward, but then Kim put on one of the girls’ thong and shook her booty. It was funny and gross at the same time, but she did note that she now has the clap from putting on the girl’s underwear. Which she probably does b/c that girl was kinda nasty!
Sounds like a typical Tuesday night in New Orleans…I was pretty bummed out that I couldn’t go. I think I’m going to try to make it to Built to Spill next Wednesday, though.
Look at all the New Orleans monsters (HI GUYS!!)! I was also supposed to go but had to do college-y things instead. The anonymity of the internet has been violated!
They were ten pounds of fun in a one pound bag in Oxford. So glad I got to see them!
There were a lot of quality laffs last night, which I appreciated after last week’s cry fest. This Sam kid’s abs ain’t Mike Chang’s, but they will do in a pinch.
I’ve been looking forward to your recap! This episode was pretty enjoyable, and the songs were great – “Sing!” was just flat out adorable, and I kind of want to watch “Le Jazz Hot” every day for the next year. I’m still a little hung up on the clunky writing (don’t just have Rachel telling us how she came to this realization about her awfulness – show it! TV Writing 101!), but I think the rest of the show was so enjoyable that it didn’t really matter for this episode.
ALSO ROCKY HORROR NEXT WEEK. Rachel as Janet is perfect. Did anyone catch who they had playing Magenta and Columbia?
Magenta = Quinn
Columbia = Mercedes
Episode = Awesome
In Two Weeks:
So does that mean that next week is a rerun?
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Maybe I’m slow, but why exactly was that offensive? Because he’s dressed like a priest? I don’t know “Glee”, you can work a lot harder than that to be offensive.
Some people may find their hand motions offensive. But that’s all I can really find offensive with their performance.
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Why am I the only one who didnt realize why it was supposed to be offensive?
Other than that Billy Preston sucks, of course
i have no idea either.
My sadness for poor Brittany’s loss of a partner for both the duet contest and the “Lady and the Tramp” spaghetti-eating scene re-enactment felt truly greater and more authentic than my sadness for Kurt Elizabeth’s dad-death scare last week.
At least Mike Chang and his heaven face got a lot of attention. That mitigated the Brittany pain a bit.
Good episode, Gleeks.
I’ve always wondered why the principal doesn’t just ban slushies on campus. It seems to be a major problem with slushies thrown every which way. Unless he’s getting a cut of the profits.
It’s incredibly difficult to ban anything from a school, even if there are penalties. It’s a “pick-your-battles” kind of thing with things like slushies.
I’m sorry, I know that was rhetorical.
It’s what I deserve.
Tell that to my 7TH GRADE YO-YOS.
Oh, you can ban things from 7th graders–it’s still possible to physically overpower them. My high schoolers are all taller than me. They are not afraid.
My major disappointment with this episodes was that the breadsticks at Breadsticks looked TERRIBLE! They were those awful crispy bland things the whole time? Come on y’all! Get it together! Give me some Fazoli’s style butter- and salt-soaked bread logs or, at the very least the garlic-salted Olive Garden variety.
Agreed. That was bothersome, as well as Santana’s new affectation of adding an “s” to the end of every word she says.
“Wes gots tas gets ourselveses somes breastickss.” I agree, it was super annoying.
Is an “s” at the end of a word that already has “s” automatically turn the “ss” into a “z”? Honest question here.
Brit nosing that meatball across her plate was perhaps my fave shot of the entire series.
I can, and will, watch this on repeat until 2012 takes us
probably the saddest glee moment that wasn’t ruined by racism or religion or bad writing.
If by “sad” moments, you are excluding when Schue finds out about Teri’s (Terri? Terry?) fake pregnancy, then we are in agreement.
I didn’t realise until I watched some of an episode, but Gabe doesn’t make these quotes up?!
“I wanted to order one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in Lady and the Tramp. I’ve been practicing nudging the meatball across the table with my nose.”
lol-a-caust
I think I watched Mercedes and Santana amazing number about 1000 times last night. So fantastic….more of those two, Glee!
Not finished reading, but Glee is so pro-lesbomance! The Brittany/Santana romance is subtle but it’s definitely there! Santana is just fighting the feelings! Like Sam is fighting the nudity! Glee is about un-winnable fights!
Also, since we haven’t really been discussing it, has anyone else been watching Raising Hope? That show is killing it! It’s so good! After 3 episodes it’s already up there with Community for best first season in recent memory.
I love it! Greg Garcia’s shows are great. And good news–it’s already been picked up for a second season.
The thing last week with the grandma and Jenga killed me.
Oh man, and her false labor this week? So funny! The whole cast is just great. I’m really excited about it.
So good! Glad I decided to give it a shot. It’s even doing so well that I can see FOX moving it to 9:30 with Running Wilde as it’s lead-in, because no offense to the AD people but that show is prettty bad.
Seriously. I’m not a huge Running Wilde fan. I’ve been watching it, but I have a hard time concentrating on it and there’s only so many call-backs to Arrested Development I can take before getting totally sick of it.
The best, and really only good part of Running Wilde is Serafinowicz as Fa’ad. His memory of his father’s kiss? “The tickle of his mustache, his breath reeking of lamb.” I die.
It is SO good! The lead character is adorable, and I just love Martha Plimpton
Wait, so really, that’s a good show? I found the first episode off-putting, for some reason, and didn’t give it a second chance, even though the story line is totally endearing. I’ve mostly been disappointed by new tv[that isn't The Good Guys], so I’m happy to hear this deserves another chance.
If I could I would upvote you more than once for that mere mention of The Good Guys.
Sorry Ian. I didn’t refresh fast enough. Plus yours is better since it’s in color.
I like the black and white! Just the right touch — very Godard, totally fits this moment.
Paradise by the Dashboard Light would have been a perfect duet for Finn and Rachel.
Lesbian cheerleaders?! Wait, why am I not watching this show?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzomg, yes.
that was in reply to kpengell, im such a failmonster
Wait a second… GLEE features a nympho-Britney-Spears-lookalike who always dresses like a cheerleader? Do I have to add GLEE to my Netflix instant queue now?
I share both a gender and an orientation with Kurt, so I can say with certainty that he is the worst.
If you’ve never heard that Jason Mraz song, then I guess you’re lucky enough to have not gone to any weddings in the past year. Ugh.
Or to work retail. They play it CONSTANTLY at my store.
The internet needs some Sam/Mike Chang slash fiction. I’ll start:
Sam’s heart was already beating fast as he walked into the choir room for the first time, where the glee club was rehearsing a terrible barbershop version of a Police song or whatever. Sam couldn’t tell because his heart nearly burst out of his hairless chest when he saw him: A perfect, angel faced Asian man smiling, nodding quietly in the background. The boy’s silent head bobs turned to a steady groove as he mouthed some of the lyrics. He clearly wasn’t actually singing but it didn’t matter: Back flip! During the dance move, the boy’s shirt fell briefly revealing his torso as Sam wondered to himself: “can my huge mouth kiss all six of his abs at once? Probably.”
I was totally ready to quit this show after last week, but it showed up on my dvr and I didn’t feel like thinking for an hour so I watched it, and I am so glad I did, because it was the best episode I’ve seen that wasn’t the Joss Whedon one.
I’m glad that they finally confronted the whole issue with Kurt getting away with being such a CreepyGay(tm). I understand why people would be offended that his dad tells him that he’s just going to have to be lonely for a while, but the opposite – allowing Kurt to hit on straight dudes and to try and fuck his would-be stepbrother in some weird fantasy and just excusing it – is not okay at all.
At this point, Burt is the role model, not Kurt. He’s flawed and he does a lot of things he shouldn’t. But Burt actually cares about his son and is trying to give structure to his life, rather than letting him hit all over straight guys and then say “WELP, THAT’S A GAY FOR YOU.”
In short, I am pleased.
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/52006429.html and then http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mXYcUYgIgk LOLOLOLOLOLOL
This is Jared Leto’s legacy. Or maybe Leif Garrett’s, but ‘roidier.
That’s a whoops he’s gonna regret.
I was into it until the vocals came in, then my ears exploded and I had to stop myself from throwing my computer out the window.
Am I the only person who was really wishing Rachel and Finn were actually going to sing a song from Grease 2? Yes?
Oh well, guess I will just put in the DVD and sing “Cool Rider” alone.
I feel like true fans of Grease 2 are few and far between!
Would you like to be my duet partner? I’ll wear my leather pants and bring the ladder to sing on.
I’m in. Can we do the whole thing? Because I really want to dress up for “Girl for All Seasons.”
I’m in awe and a little afraid of that rendition of A Whole New World. As a duet, the lyrics are already oddly sexual… As a one-person duet, I’m sure they’re enough to melt Christine O’Donnell in her own cauldron.
I can open your eyes,
take you wonder by wonder,
over sideways and under
on a magic carpet ride… INDEED!
My only complaint: Mike Chang and Tina got dim sum for dinner. Dinner?? That makes NO SENSE.
Wait, is Puckerman really leaving? WTP(What The Puck)?
I’m gonna preface this with a POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT
I thought I read somewhere over the summer that Ryan Murphy was either going to get rid of Artie or Puck, and they would have to reaudition or something. Which is kind of weird and probably a joke, but if it is true and they did get rid of him, that’s sort of lame.
That was supposed to be a response to lizlemon. BLERG.
honestly, i didn’t actually like it. i thought it was boring, and i hated most of the songs.
i think i’m just completely sick of rachel and her stupid faces. it sort of ruins things that she had three songs. blagh.
How great is the piano man?!
I love how Eric Stoltz directed this episode. Coincidence???? I think not.
I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one who hated that typical Broadway song Tina/Mike sang! It was entirely cringe worthy. I’m embarrassed to have even watched the entire portion of that song.
I thought it was pretty cute and fun. It did not offend my sensibilities, but I can totally see why it would have bugged the shit out of anyone else.