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Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.]
I’m not a huge Britney Spears fan, outside of being a rubbernecked gawkmonster on the sidelines of her fiery, gnarled public-private life, clapping slowly like the extra someone forgot to tell they were done shooting Rudy twenty-five years ago or whatever. She’s not the best at her job, but who is, am I right? HEATHER MORRIS FROM GLEE IS THE BEST AT HER JOB. And, if it takes a Britney Spears themed episode of Glee to get her in my face for more than two lines a week then sofuckingbeit. I’m not chill. This episode was awesome!
It opens at Gleehearsal, and Kurt announces there’s a grassroots campaign on Facebook (with all of 5 members) demanding that the Gleetards scream a Britney Spears during Homecoming Pep Assembly. Schue’s concerned because he’s under the impression that Britney is a bad role model for teens (wtf? oh, right…), and plus Brittany the Perfect doesn’t want to do Britney the Famous because she’s spent her whole adolescence in that bitch’s shadow. You see Brittany the Perfect’s name is Brittany Susan Pierce, or Brittany S. Pierce, which if you watch so much Glee that your brain turns pink and your tongue becomes a tooth, that sort of sound like “Britney Spears.”
Emma, on leave from the Sanitarium for a cameo, is of a different mind than Schue about Britney as a role model (big surprise—she’s of a different mind than her own mind most of the time KILLKILLKILLKILLBUGS). Emma thinks that Brit’s really cleaned up her act in the last month and a half or some shit, and should be seen as a symbol for rebirth. Whenever someone says “Renaissance” to me, I always think of Britney Spears—bald, with a sideways wig and her vagina hanging out—riding an open clamshell onto the shores of Daytona Beach, a newborn baby hanging from each of her fingers like perch on hooks. Emma’s got a point. Oh, then we meet her new boyfriend, Carl, who we’ve heard about BUT NO ONE FUCKING TOLD US HE WAS JOHN STAMOS! Carl’s helping Emma kick her OCD, one undeserved and phobia-flicking kiss at a time, and he’s Uncle Jesse and so hot.
The two nameless Football Bullies from every couple episodes attack Finn in the hallway for being such a wuss. They take his varsity football jacket away from him and rip it in half to signify “the duality in [his] sexuality.” You and I wish, girlfriends. Coach Biest sees this from a distance and is touched, still sad from getting bullied herself last week.
Hot Uncle Jesse Carl visits Gleehearsal later to teach all the assholes about how to take care of their teef. He makes them chew tiny capsules that dye any plaque left over from brushing blue; Rachel, Brittany the Perfect and Artie have a ton, no one else has any. Turns out Brittany the Perfect never brushes her teeth, she rinses with Dr. Pepper because she thought he was a dentist.
Brittany the Perfect has to pay Hot Uncle Jesse Carl a special visit because she’s got the worst teeth he’s ever seen—a cavity in every single toof. She implores him “please don’t pull all my teeth. When I smile I’ll look like an adult baby but with boobs.” Then Hot Uncle Jesse Carl puts her under with his nitrous mask and gets to work as Brittany the Perfect hallucinates that she is Britney the Famous singing “I’m a Slave 4 U.” She fucking nails the shit out of the dance moves, DOY, and jumps from “iconic” Britney “look” to “iconic” Britney “look.” It’s fun, but remember, lots of Britney’s songs are suuuuper weird if you don’t sing them exactly like she does—like a gurgly baby who just got out of lacrosse practice? Also, please take note of how DRAG-y it feels to see someone dressed up in Britney-wear—that never wears off for the entire episode.
Finn’s super sad about not being on the football team anymore, but Rachel admits that she’s relieved—he can’t get hurt, he can’t cheat on her, plus when he’s feeling all sad, she gets to be the ONLY THING that makes him happy in his life. She REALLY better watch it! Finn gets grossed out by that, then Santana walks by and tells her she dresses like a bait girl from To Catch a Predator and Finn agrees, to make her feel bad.
Santana accompanies Brittany the Perfect to her second consecutive day of major dental surgery because she wants some of Hot Uncle Jesse Carl’s sweet, sweet drugs gas. The two hallucinate that they are Madonna and Britney the Famous screaming “Me Against the Music,” with the real Britney the Famous making a cameo at the end:
As she should be, Brittany the Perfect becomes super cocky about her perfection and talent. The next day at Gleehearsal, she proclaims “I would like to say that from now on I demand to have every solo in Glee Club. When I had my teeth cleaned I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy? I sang and danced better than her, and now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am… I’m more talented than all of you, I see that clearly now. It’s Brittany … bitch.” YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEP. Then Kurt throws a tantrum at Schue’s face being like “YOU’RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE FOR NOT LETTING US SING BRITNEY SPEARS AT ASSEMBLY. YOU NEED TO LOOSEN THE FUCK UP.”
Schue shows up at Hot Uncle Jesse Carl’s dentist office, and Hot Uncle Jesse Carl tells him to back off Emma. And then he also tells Schue to loosen up a little bit and eat candy. Then it’s Rachel’s turn in Hot Uncle Jesse Carl’s chair, and when he gasses her with drugs she hallucinates that she’s singing “Hit Me Baby One More Time” in full Britney drag. Whoooooooooops about this number, it’s all “I didn’t fart, it’s just really windy in here.”
Then she wakes up and GIVES A BIG COOL SHOUTOUT TO THE INTERNET, WHATWHAT in the form of a meme: “is this real life.” GET IT? RACHELAFTERDENTIST.COM!
Rachel shows up for school the next day, still in Britney drag, and Finn doesn’t like all the attention she’s getting: “they’re personifying you!” <3 Jacob Ben-Israel is back to remind everyone that Jews are icky—he offers Finn money and real estate for a chance to own Rachel, and then he says “wank-y, wank-y,” which, like, come on. Also c’mon: Schue’s decided to really cut loose and buys himself a yellow Corvette convertible, which happens to be the car that Hot Uncle Jesse Carl drives.
Jacob Ben-Israel gets caught jerking off naked in the school library, thinking about Rachel dressed as Britney, LITERALLY. It makes Sue so mad, and she assaults Schue with some pretty hilarious words about how outta control his Gleetards are for Britney: “You’re flailing, William. I’m secretly hoping it’s a midlife crisis, which means you’re halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.”
Then it’s Artie’s turn to get high with Hot Uncle Jesse Carl, and he imaginations himself screaming “Stronger” by Britney, all dressed up in football gear.
Artie asks Finn for help getting onto the football team again, and Finn says no again, because he needs to focus on getting himself back on the football team. Then Coach Biest walks in and tells them both they can be on the team—all of a sudden she doesn’t give a fuck. This upsets Rachel because she thinks the only way their relationship can work is if they’re both sad losers, and she tells him to choose between her and football. JESUS, why are they making her be such a bitch?!
Schue is ssssoooooo loooooooooose, so he finally agrees to let the Gleetards sing Britney at assembly. But, there’s one PERFECT catch, and that’s that Schue’s gonna perform WITH THEM, lololol. Then Schue and the Gleetards do a very Fosse interpretation number of “Toxic” in front of the whole school, and it whips all the horny freaks in the audience into a major riot.
This was the best. But, Sue disagrees, and is really upset by the carnage it caused. Schue’s like “relax,” and she outdoes herself by saying “you know, William, that’s what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone’s bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Ladybird Johnson’s tramp stamp and tattoos above her ovaries, mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face and spent the next hour screaming ‘sex party’ into the microphones of all 3 major networks… You wear more vests than the cast of Blossom.” PERFECTION.
Emma tells Schue that he needs to loosen up and relax in a way that’s not so spazzy, drawing her mental health idol Britney Spears into the convo for extra backup/truth: “she can’t just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the world—she’s gotta reign it in.” Actually, I respectfully disagree. If ANYONE can just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the world, it’s Britney, bitch.
Then Rachel asks Quinn to act like she wants to get back together with Finn, as a test, and he tells Quinn he’s taken. This makes Rachel happy, so, logically, she screams and cries along to “The Only Exception” by Paramore.
Good job Glee! Now think of a million more excuses to have Brittany the Perfect star in her own episodes, and don’t let me down!
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Britney Renaissance?
I have the most musical boner.
Where were Mike Chang’s abs this episode? WHERE?
We got Brittany’s abs instead. The theme of the season is shaping up to be: Abs That Will Cut a Bitch.
http://socialitelife.celebuzz.com/archive/2010/09/21/tyler_shields_sets_glees_harry_shum_jr_on_fire.php
In the pre-show recap. Where was he in the dance hallucinations? He’s been in fancy-dance movies! I want to see more dancing from professional cast members, not extras, dang it.
Mmmm. Yes. Thank you!!
Upvotes forever
this room reminds me of that spaceship where I got probed
I hope they let Brittany The Perfect sing a ballad in the episode where Rachel dies from being such a huge bitch to everyone.
Seriously Rachel is the worst.
Maybe Lea Michelle is just trying to leave the show and they’re using her being a bitch as a plot device to get her kicked out of Glee or something.
I honestly don’t understand if the writers/etc want us to identify with her in any way, such is how ridiculous she is.
Anyone else think the plot was a little thin? “We all took nitrous and had Britney fantasies.” Uh…ok?
Yeah…at least with the Gaga episode it was like “This week we learn about being individual and weird” but this episode was like “This week we learn how powerful narcotics lead to personal growth and insight.” Great job, Glee! Cool moral!
Hopefully in the finale everyone else makes and carries out a suicide pact and season 3 is just Brittany alternating between dancing and delivering hilarious one-liners. I would watch that shit 24/7.
why isnt glee awesome every week? my only complaint is not enough mike chang.
I have been waiting ALL DAY to read Soft Gabe’s reaction to Rachel asking Finn how he liked the banana bread she made him. I guess I can forgive the oversight. An all Brittany episode is pretty distracting…
I was waiting all day for this too! You guys, they definitely read this column. And we are definitely all famous because of it.
Also, I saw you hiding in there Mark from So You Think You Can Dance.
When I saw him I just yelled “MAAAARK” and then I got really embarassed. But I see people from SYTYCD all the time in Glee and I’m always embarassed to recognize them.
i’m with jeff winger on this one…
You do know what a Hot Carl is, don’t you?
(NOT for the sensitive.)
For the love of God and all that is holy, don’t google it.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hot+carl
Yes, I learned it from Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
I died a little every time I saw it up there. My college roommates were obsessed with the hilarity of it, to the point that they called each other “Carl”. Both girls. True story.
Who came up with the “Top Hats are like BREASTS!” choreography?!?
lololololololol
Everyone dressed like Mr. Schue but covered in glitter, getting all handsy and hatsy with each other? terrible.
GIF request: Kurt playing hide and seek with Mercedes’ boobs with top hats.
Bob Fosse?
“Whenever someone says “Renaissance” to me, I always think of Britney Spears—bald, with a sideways wig and her vagina hanging out—riding an open clamshell onto the shores of Daytona Beach, a newborn baby hanging from each of her fingers like perch on hooks.”
This NEEDS to be airbrushed on some t-shirts in Daytona/Myrtle/Virginia Beach, and we all need to buy one and wear it for a day. T1FTT, indeed.
This episode was insane and Brittany the Perfect is insane and awesome and beautiful and the best dancer and I love her. But guys….next week. Guts O’Malley might die?!!?!?! And we know because Kurt said “Is he dead?” No, of course not, but I can’t wait to pretend like I think he will maybe possibly die next week.
Maybe he’ll have a hallucination while in the hospital and climb the Aggro Crag.
Special guest appearance by Mo the referee.
I spent Artie’s whole number willing Kevin McHale to get up and DANCE!
As this show makes no sense, you think they could make up some miracle cure for Artie so he can dance. DANCE!
My boyfriend is a big Joss Whedon nerd, so the only episode he’s seen is the one he directed. Except he decided to just skip to the songs, and so his first impression of Glee is Artie leading a flash mob in the safety dance. And then falling back into his wheelchair. He hasn’t been interested in watching it again, for some reason.
I wanted Artie to dance during that number, but only because it was the only one that wasn’t actually a recreation of the original video, and it’s a great fucking video, and it would have been hilarious with Artie.
But really though, if you think about it…if you were on a nitrous trip (i have no idea what that is like at all), and you were in a wheelchair, wouldn’t you, in your nitrous trip fantasy, like walk and dance and stuff? i’m pretty sure i would get my tush outta that chair.
I wish Rachel would stop looking like she is taking a high powered crap when she sings.
During their rendition of Toxic (and the constant cuts to the repulsive AV nerd and hambeast), my face was all
If one of my male high school teachers got up at an assembly and sang a Britney Spears song, te reaction would be … let’s just say different.
As in the police would be called?
Uh huh. Are you?
THANK YOU FOR THIS
alright so I have a few things to say –
-best episode of glee yet.
-lea michele looked like a 7 year old during the school uniform part of hit me baby one more time.
-why was heather singing to little boys?
-john stamos.
-brittany the perfect performed britney’s dances better than the real britney did. SHE’S SO GOOD
-sick of artie. I am all for glee’s standing up to the challenges life poses and believing in oneself through self-empowerment, but he is IN A WHEELCHAIR. he cannot play football! I was so surprised they didn’t use the BEISTE’s refusal to allow him onto the team as an outlet to tell everyone “you don’t have to be on the football team to be cool”. they just ran with it. YOU DO NEED TO PLAY FOOTBALL AND HAVE ABS TO HAVE ASIAN GIRLFRIENDS. sorry artie!
- I also agree that we need more mike chang.
I second… Brittany the perfect is a much better dancer then Brittany my tramp stamp.
This football thing is really bothering me, too. “We couldn’t find any specific rules in the handbook forbidding kids in a wheelchair to play, so sure! No problem! This definitely won’t end up being horrible and soul-crushing!”
I couldn’t believe they couldn’t think of ONE Britney Spears song for the Rachel embarassing cry-fest at the end. Come on, Ryan Murphy, dig deep (not too deep, “Sometimes” would have worked)!
I know, right? I guess they haven’t heard “Email My Heart”
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3379/3565095923_d89f270888_z.jpg?zz=1
Awww…boo to me!
That was quite possibly the worst episode of Glee so far.
The Britney stuff didn’t make any sense. Would high schoolers really want to listen to Britney nowadays…
And Sue would never call Britney a marketing genius. Britney Spears doesn’t even know how to pump gas.
It’s like they shaped the storyline to fit into these songs instead of finding that would fit into a storyline.
And why was Kurt taking it so personally. Maybe it’s because he’s a walking stereotype, like most of the characters on the show? Probably.
I know that this website hates Outsourced but it’s not half as offensive as this shit. I’m not defending Outsourced at all but Glee tries to pass off bigotry as satire.
Agreed on all accounts, this show is offensive and gross and I can’t believe half they stuff they get away with.
not to make this awkward, but im a high schooler and i quite like a bit of britney spears she makes me nostagic, kind of like listening to Hanson*
*Hanson are The Worst they are not even in the same ball park as Britney that was a shit metaphor.
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I’m not downvoting because I don’t want recaps, I’m downvoting because I hate any time anyone says “upvote if you agree, downvote if you don’t.” Like, isn’t that kind of the point votes? We all get how they work, no need to explain.
Without a doubt the worst episode of Glee yet, it was pretty much terrible from start to finish. Slave 4 U and a couple of Brittany’s lines were good, but everything else made me cringe. Horrible writing which led to horrible acting which was not at all saved by horrible directing. What was up with all the male lines being weird bro parodies this week? Finn, Artie, Will and Carl all sounded like the stereotypical cool dad character that tries to fit in with his kids. Repeating the same conflict with Rachel and Finn over and over (she’s controlling! he can’t make up his mind about what he wants! they hate each other! they love each other!) is just beyond boring at this point, and I can only hope the season will end with Sue putting them both in a van and driving it off a bridge.
Not to mention that so much of the episode was just disgusting. Reporter guy making humping motions and screaming “IT’S SO SEXY”? Who wrote this and decided it would be funny or entertaining? It’s not! It’s just gross! When that Cheerio with Down’s (which, by the way, why is she the only one who ever speaks?) gave Sue the crazy little thumbs up smile I almost puked. It honestly felt like they were making fun of her disability, like “Look what this retarded girl looks like when she makes silly faces that no high schooler would ever make! LOL!”
I don’t know, guys. If I hadn’t committed myself to writing recaps this season I would just give up, because this episiode was all around horrifying and I don’t even want to give the producers the 4 cents they get from me watching ads on Hulu to continue to create this show.
Oh, and I didn’t even really dig any of the Britney covers. Like Soft Gabe said, her songs really only sound good with Britney’s weird nasal growling. They just felt lifeless and boring without her edge, especially given the continued over-producing of all the audio.
(Not to say that Britney’s voice isn’t just as produced, but at least she still sounds somewhat human instead of computer-generated.)
I don’t see it that way re: the Cheerio with Downs syndrome. If you’ll remember from a previous episode, Sue’s sister is mentally handicapped, and she is the only one who gets to Sue’s soft spot. I sort of see a relation between the two, almost as if Sue’s “mentorship”, if you will, of the Cheerio is there to remind the audience that she’s not a *complete* monster.
I could be wrong, though…
Her character in general doesn’t actually bother me, I just find it weird that there are apparently no other Cheerios that can speak. But that weird thumbs up thing she did was kind of pushing it for me.
I agree on all counts. Several things are gross and offensive about the show, but I actually find the “writing” insulting as well. I remember when the news was announced that OMG, THERE WOULD BE A BRITNEY SPEARS EPISODE and Ryan Murphy & Co seemed so stupidly smug about the whole thing, like having Britney in 12 seconds of the show meant their job was done, and done WELL. I think they were so busy spastically ejaculating they forgot to include any semblance of a narrative with interesting characters. (They don’t even have to be realistic! I’ll take interesting at the very least, if they insist on making them such damn caricatures.) I know that’s true about every episode, so I should be used to it by now, but it still kind of makes me angry.
This week’s episode was especially blatant with the “you viewers aren’t intelligent enough to require anything even remotely resembling a storyline, we’ll just feed you more choreography and screaming, and shoehorn in some fucking absurd drivel between songs.”
I just feel like in 10 years this show will officially be considered The Worst and we’ll think back on how we actually used to watch it, and we’ll laugh and laugh.
I agree with you on everything except the girl with downs’ line… that wasn’t too bad. But everything involving the reporter kid was horrible, the writing was horrible, there was basically no point to any of the songs because they were all dream sequences… it was the worst episode ever.