Photos
So nerve.com has a guest column from Danny McBride answering people’s sex questions. Sure. That’s definitely a thing you can imagine existing. “Nerve.com presents sex advice with Danny McBride.” Yes. But under normal conditions, so what, you know? Under normal conditions, I would think that could be mildly amusing and a reasonable way to waste a couple minutes until I get inevitably bored on the third question/answer and closed the tab. But these are somehow not normal conditions. I’m not sure how he pulled it off, but Danny McBride’s sex advice is the funniest and best thing I’ve read in months. It’s so good! Example:
Sex Question: I got drunk and cheated on my girlfriend of three years. It was a one-time thing, and I feel like an asshole. Do I tell her?
Danny McBride: I mean, you’re going to hell anyway, so, might as well be happy now. Don’t tell her. Keep it to yourself. I’m sure it won’t cause any trouble at all. Live a lie. That will work.
That is just the first question! Here’s another:
SQ: I’m dating someone out of my league. How can I not get dumped?
DMcB: Just be really insecure any time she’s talking to somebody else. Get mad a lot, start a lot of arguments because of your insecurities. That usually works in keeping a girl that’s hotter than you.
Haaaaaaaa. McDonalds should change their slogan to “Danny McBride’s Sex Advice” because I’M LOVIN’ IT! Here are a couple of more highlights:
SQ: I’m dating a girl who likes it rough, but I feel weird being overly aggressive during sex. How can I relax and enjoy it more?
DMcB: By… stop being a pussy. She likes it rough, give her what she wants!
SQ: I had a bad breakup a year ago, and can’t quite seem to get back into dating. How can I stop self-sabotaging and get over my fears?
DMcB: You just got to man up. You’ve got to get over those fears. I mean, nobody wants to date a fuckin’ wimp who’s crying about his ex-girlfriend. Trust me, because I’ve been that guy, and it doesn’t work. No story — it’s the story of I think everyone who’s been heartbroken: any chance you possibly have to meet someone else, you waste it by babbling about how terrible your ex is, and you go home that night alone and sad. Not good. Maybe you should contact that couple who wants to do the role-playing. Maybe you can get involved in some kind of threesome just to get back on your feet again. Nerve, connect ‘em.
Lots of love. You should read the whole thing. Nerve, connect ‘em.
 |
 |
Corporate firewall blocked this, so it must be good!
So James Franco in Spiderman 3 Pie Scene Gif
So I’m not the only one who thinks of that James Franco gif every time a KFC commercial comes on? (In other words, I’m not the only one who spends way too much time on Videogum?)
…fuck em up with some truth.
You heard it first, tall shot of tequila and some tacos.
Ladies, you’ve been given the keys to Man’s Heart-Castle.
why should i be taking advice about making sex to the ladies from a guy who’s cock just died?
“Next time you wanna bet on my cock, you bring some fuckin’ pesos, got it ese?”
I realize I will probably be excommunicated from videogum for asking this question, but:
Sooooooooo…Eastbound and Down is good then?
On what other show would you get a line like this:
*woman is breastfeeding* “Yeah it looks like she’s cooking some seared titty for somebody right now, but I feel like this is some god damn National Geographic shit right now.”
Disappointed this isn’t called “Eastbound & Going Down”
“Girls are nothing but trouble; get a van, they’re cooler”
Fuckin’ good times on the reg.
“STRAIGHT UP TALK ABOUT MENOPAUSE”
Oh Bing….
to be fair, i was with a girl who liked it really rough to point of it just being awkward so i can understand where that guy is coming from. seriously, when its a first date and you havent been drinking, the girl just comes off as crazy.
At the risk of being Captain Obvious, there’s a simple solution: DRINK.
Danny McBride looks like a guy who would know a lot about pubic hair.
SQ: My girlfriend is a terrorist in the eyes of Renee Elmer, what should I do?
I wonder if you could hire Danny McBride as a life coach…
This sounds like a job for the dearly departed Unethicist.
I know nothing about you, but I like you based solely on your avatar. RTR, friend.
Based solely on your avatar, jeninatl, I have found my nemesis.
FAIL ON ME. I let you down Colt
I liked that there are sound bites of certain quotes. It’s fun to hear Danny McBride’s off-the-cuff responses in his voice.
Some advice I once gave to a girl who was having trouble with her boyfriend, “Maybe you should tell him to just put his cards on the table.” True story.
Always
Be
Coming off like a stalker.
I love this.
“Maybe you should contact that couple who wants to do the role-playing. Maybe you can get involved in some kind of threesome just to get back on your feet again.”
Doc Phil, retire. It’s done. Enough.
This is as good as when Louis C.K. did that advice column in The Believer. Anyone else peep that? I can only find a link to the first question, which captures the tone pretty accurately: http://www.believermag.com/issues/200910/?read=column_ck