So nerve.com has a guest column from Danny McBride answering people’s sex questions. Sure. That’s definitely a thing you can imagine existing. “Nerve.com presents sex advice with Danny McBride.” Yes. But under normal conditions, so what, you know? Under normal conditions, I would think that could be mildly amusing and a reasonable way to waste a couple minutes until I get inevitably bored on the third question/answer and closed the tab. But these are somehow not normal conditions. I’m not sure how he pulled it off, but Danny McBride’s sex advice is the funniest and best thing I’ve read in months. It’s so good! Example:
Sex Question: I got drunk and cheated on my girlfriend of three years. It was a one-time thing, and I feel like an asshole. Do I tell her?
Danny McBride: I mean, you’re going to hell anyway, so, might as well be happy now. Don’t tell her. Keep it to yourself. I’m sure it won’t cause any trouble at all. Live a lie. That will work.
That is just the first question! Here’s another:
SQ: I’m dating someone out of my league. How can I not get dumped?
DMcB: Just be really insecure any time she’s talking to somebody else. Get mad a lot, start a lot of arguments because of your insecurities. That usually works in keeping a girl that’s hotter than you.
Haaaaaaaa. McDonalds should change their slogan to “Danny McBride’s Sex Advice” because I’M LOVIN’ IT! Here are a couple of more highlights:
SQ: I’m dating a girl who likes it rough, but I feel weird being overly aggressive during sex. How can I relax and enjoy it more?
DMcB: By… stop being a pussy. She likes it rough, give her what she wants!
SQ: I had a bad breakup a year ago, and can’t quite seem to get back into dating. How can I stop self-sabotaging and get over my fears?
DMcB: You just got to man up. You’ve got to get over those fears. I mean, nobody wants to date a fuckin’ wimp who’s crying about his ex-girlfriend. Trust me, because I’ve been that guy, and it doesn’t work. No story — it’s the story of I think everyone who’s been heartbroken: any chance you possibly have to meet someone else, you waste it by babbling about how terrible your ex is, and you go home that night alone and sad. Not good. Maybe you should contact that couple who wants to do the role-playing. Maybe you can get involved in some kind of threesome just to get back on your feet again. Nerve, connect ‘em.
Lots of love. You should read the whole thing. Nerve, connect ‘em.