Photos
This fan art based on a moment in an old episode of The Simpsons when Ralph Wiggum calls Superintendent Chalmers “Super Nintendo Chalmers,” which is incidentally one of my Top Two Favorite Simpsons Jokes of All Time (the other Top Two Joke being when Homer Simpson says that holding a gun makes him “feel like how God must feel. When He holds a gun”), and this coming right after yesterday’s Caption Contest fan art of the “real” Simpsons makes me realize that we’ve never had an Open Thread for people to share their favorite Simpsons quotes, so we might as well get that out of the way and then MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES AND NEVER LOOK BACK. We’re better than this. Or at least, after this we will be better than this. It’s awful when people won’t stop quoting their favorite jokes from The Simpsons, but it’s just the world we live in. Better to get it out of our systems once and for all than to lie to ourselves and pretend like this isn’t a thing we would all do and are about to do right now. (Image via TheDailyWhat.)
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I believe that children are our future…unless we stop them now.
Milhouse (trying to change the subject): uhh…hey! look at that dog!
Bart: wow, brown!
“Look at him standing there on his hind legs, like Rory Calhoun.” – Mr. Burns
Lunchlady Doris: Next!
Ralph: Chicken Necks?
Kippers for breakfast?! Is it St. Swithin’s day already?
Upvotes for some, miniature American flags for others!
Homer: Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Ohhhhh and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop! And that talking coyote was really just that talking DOG.
Dog: Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate.
Hey wait a minute! There’s no such thing as a talking dog!
Dog: Bark bark!
Homer: Damn straight!
Holy crap! I nearly forgot about the heart and soul of the show. I, of course, am referring to Lenny and Carl, who I could probably watch on their own hour long show everyday. Here’s a few gems:
Lenny: Hey Carl, these’ll really help with our research.
Carl: Yes. Our… research.
(Proceed to sword fight with microscopes)
Lenny: Hey Carl, remember when we used to kiss like that…. with our respective girlfriends.
and of course:
Homer: See, white guys have names like Lenny, where as black guys have names like Carl.
“I am the angel of death. The time for purification is at hand.”
Let’s get some Mr. Burns related quotes going…I’ve seen a couple but it’s sorely missing.
Burns, filling out medical paper work: Let’s see, social, security number…naught naught naught, naught naught, naught naught naught…two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents’ death…got in my way.
Smithers: Mr. Burns hasn’t spoken to his mother in years. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
Burns: Smithers, look! A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction
Smithers: I think it’s a rock, sir.
Willie: I’ll KILL that Mr. Burns! And…eh…WOUND that Mr. Smithers!
May not be verbatim, but you get the point.
one of my favorite Mr. Burns quotes –
Ahoy-hoy? No, you have the wrong number. This is 4-2-*4*-6. I suspect you need more practice working your telephone machine. Not at all. Ahoy!
“Mmmmmmm, memo.”
and
“Saaave meee Jeeebusssss!!”
Titanya: “But Duff Man, you said if I slept with you I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk!”
Duff Man: “Duff Man… says a lot of things!”
“And bring us the finest food you got stuffed with the second finest.”- Moe
“Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.”- Waiter
“Let us never speak of the shortcut again.”- Homer
“I’ve done things I ain’t proud of, and the things I am proud of are disgusting.”- Moe
“Shake harder boy!”- Shelbyvillian
“You’re what the Latin call a Dorkus Malorkus”- Bart
“Do you know how to cook dinner?”- Homer
“Do I?!”- Milhouse
“Bake em away toys.”- Wiggum
“Ohhhhh! The Denver Broncos!”- Homer
“I’m feelin’ low, Apu. You got any of that beer that has candy floating in it, you know, Skittlebrau?”- Homer
“Such a product does not exist, sir! You must have dreamed it.”- Apu
“Oh. Well then just gimme a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.”- Homer
These all find a way into my conversations, even when they don’t quite fit.
I just signed up for this site because you guys forgot my alltime favorite quote!
“To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
[see avatar]
Burns: Ooh don’t poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a
steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of
cheesecake and a newsreel with
enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery
Park to the polo grounds.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.
Seymour Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
[Chalmers enters and puts a bottle of wine on the table. Skinner walks into the kitchen to see smoke billowing from the oven. He opens the oven, and the roast bursts into flames.]
Seymour Skinner: Oh, yegods, my roast is ruined!
[Skinner looks out the kitchen window at the Krusty Burger across the street.]
Seymour Skinner: But what if … I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Ho ho ho ho … delightfully devlish, Seymour.
[Skinner begins to climb out the window but stops when Chalmers enters the kitchen.]
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour!
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I was just … just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?
Superintendent Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?
Seymour Skinner: Oh, that isn’t smoke. It’s steam. Steam from the steamed clams we’re having. Mmmmm, steamed clams.
[Skinner runs aross the street to Krusty Burger, and returns to the dining room with a tray of hamburgers.]
Seymour Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you’re ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.
Superintendent Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Seymour Skinner: Oh, no, I said steamed hams. That’s what I call hamburgers.
Superintendent Chalmers: You call hamburgers steamed hams?
Seymour Skinner: Yes, it’s a regional dialect.
Superintendent Chalmers: Uh-huh. What region?
Seymour Skinner: Uhh … Upstate New York.
Superintendent Chalmers: Really? Well, I’m from Utica, and I’ve never heard anyone use the phrase ‘steamed hams.’
Seymour Skinner: Oh, not in Utica. No, it’s an Albany expression.
Superintendent Chalmers: I see.
[Chalmers bites into a steamed ham.]
Superintendent Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
Seymour Skinner: Oh ho ho, no. Patented Skinner burgers. Old family recipe.
Superintendent Chalmers: For steamed hams …
Seymour Skinner: Yes …
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.
Seymour Skinner: You know I— One thing I sh— Excuse me for one second.
[Skinner walks into the kitchen and returns to the dining room.]
Seymour Skinner: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I’m pooped.
Superintendent Chalmers: Yes, I should be— Good lord, what is happening in there?
Seymour Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Superintendent Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Seymour Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Seymour Skinner: No
Agnes Skinner: Seymour, the house is on fire!
Seymour Skinner: No, Mother. It’s just the Northern Lights.
Superintendent Chalmers: Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say you steam a good ham.
“Shake harder, boy!”
“This match will determine once and for all who is the greatest country on earth: Mexico or Portugal!”
“Oh… I’ll kill myself if Portugal doesn’t win.” – Homer
And, finally “Where are the Fudgicles Bart? You said there’d be fudgicles!” – Milhouse
kid in bart’s “special class” : We just moved here from Canada and they think I’m slow, eh?
Now, everyone take out your safety pencil and a circle of paper.
I start fires.
Scott 1: We’ve lost our homes and everything we hold dear.
Scott 2: Aye
Fake Yoko Ono ordering a drink: “I would like a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat.”
“THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!”
“And im takin your favorite song out of the jukebox”
“Its raining men?!”
“Not no more it isnt”
Burns, “Use an open-faced club. A sand wedge.”
Homer, “mmmm, open faced club sand-wedge.”
“Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.”
“This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at eight o’clock for highlights of today’s vigil, including when the garbage man came, and when Marge Simpson put the cat out… possibly because it was harassed, we don’t know.”
“Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!”
Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner.
Marge: How were you a political prisoner.
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram?
Ah I could go all day. Season 6, how I love thee!
“I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called “The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down.”
From the makers of “Billy and the Clone-a-saurus”
This comment thread is my new homepage.
“Lousy Smarch weather”
“Look, Mr. Burns. I don’t know what you think sideburns are…”
“It’s horrible, but you can’t take your eyes away. It’s like watching a monkey swallow a hand grenade.” (In Harry Shearer’s dead-on Vin Scully)
One of the all-time greats:
“No, my son is also named Bort.”
1. At tap-dancing lessons:
“Teacher! My shoes are making noise!”–A concerned Ralph
2. “So what’s your name?”–Bart
“That will be revealed when the time has come.”–L.T. Smash
“It says here that you’re ‘L.T. Smash’”–Bart, pointing to his ID card
“The time has come…I’m L.T. Smash.”–L.T. Smash
Upon tripping up Lisa, thus ending her tap dancing rampage:
“Thanks, Dad.”
“I didn’t think, I…just acted.”
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don’t you worry. I saw an episode of Matlock in a bar last night. The sound was down, but I think I got the gist of it.
Hank Scorpio:Ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe?
Homer: Yes, once.
Homer: Don’t mind if I do! [unintelligible screaming]
Heya, Midge.
I’m a unitard
“I just made a cornish game hen with chestnut stuffing!”
*blank stares*
“Would you believe a pigeon stuffed with spam?”
*blank stares*
“Would you believe a rat filled with cough drops?”
Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
smells like a steak and seats thirty-five..
Canyonero! Canyonero!
MAAAAAAAAATTTTTLOOOOOOOOCK
Wait wait wait, back up a minute…when are the pancakes coming in the mail?
Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
Homer: Heh, you don’t have a son.
Stupid babies need the MOST attention.
Bart: Dad! You killed Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
Dr. Hibbert: Mike, try to lift your arm.
Mike Scioscia: Can’t, lift, arm, or, speak, at, normal, rate.
Dr. Hibbert: It seems that you have radiation poisoning.
Mike Scioscia: Will, I, be, able, to, play, softball, tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert: No. By tomorrow you wouldn’t be able to breathe.
Mike Scioscia: Oh, man
Fat Tony:
“What’s a truck?”
Batman…I mean Leader!
1) “guts. and black stuff.”
2) “so long stink town!”
3) “look at me! i’m an evil corporate mascot!”
I have two! And they’re basically metaphors for how I live my life:
“Mono- means one, and Rail means rail. This concludes our six-week training course.” -Brock Stanley (?) (He put monorails in Aubrey, Augdenville, and North Haverbrook, and it sure put them on the map!)
“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” -Homer
*Lyle Lanley. Close enough.
Mmmmm….. pie pants.
Teacher: “And put your garbage in a garbage can people, I can’t stress that enough”
Marge: “This is so humiliating”
Homer: “Garbage……in…….garbage…..can…….hmm, makes sense”
*whack*
*gruhuhuhuhuhhhuh*
*whack*
*gruhuhuhuhuhhhuh*
*whack*
and also:
“don’t worry! it’s IN-flammable”
Starland Vocal Band? They suck!!
You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel
A million times upvote this!
Marge: Homer, I brought someone here to help you.
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No. It’s a scientist.
Homer: Batman’s a scientist.
Marge: It’s not Batman!
Homer: No TV and no beer makes Homer something something…
Future Lisa: Wesley, get mama’s pryin’ board.
Lunch lady: There’s very little meat in these gym mats.
Bart: Can’t sleep, clowns will eat me!
Rod/Todd: Iron helps us play!
Go crazy?
Don’t mind if I do!
Bart – Oh, my bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of…”malk”?
Ralph: That’s where I saw the Leprechaun. He tells me to burn things!
“Hey Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found down at the marina! It was just sitting in some guy’s boat!”
” you know making a marriage work isn’t as easy as switching on a light-switch”
Cletus: “…uuuuuhhhhh……..light-switch?”
“Look in the Tunk”
Its from a very recent ep, but great:
“Can you sign my copy of Watchmen Babies?”
“What if, in order to save a manatee you have to kill another manatee, before you answer, the manatee is pregnant”
“Its questions like there that keep me up at night”
Homer: “I’m feelin’ low, Apu. You got any of that beer that has candy floating in it, you know, Skittlebrau?”
Apu: “Such a product does not exist, sir! You must have dreamed it.”
Homer: “Oh. Well then just gimme a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.”
Snake: “So Long Student loans”
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there’s four places. There’s the Hammock Hut, that’s on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There’s Hammocks-R-Us, that’s on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That’s on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot… Matter of fact, they’re all in the same complex; it’s the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: That’s right.
“There’s very little meat in these mats.”
“I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!” -Homer
I always loved the Super Nintendo Chalmers line from Ralph, so that fan art definitely tickles me the right way.
Homer: “HeybuddyougottahelpmecauseImabigfatguyandtheresgonnabesomepoisongas…”
Ice Cream Man: “Take whatever you want, man! TAKE IT ALL!”
Skinner: “Shredded newspapers provide much-needed roughage and essential inks.”
Announcer 1: “Hall of Famer Whitey Ford now on the field, pleading with the crowd for…for some kind of sanity.”
Announcer 2: “And a barrage of pretzels now knocking Whitey unconscious.”
Announcer 1: “This is a black day for baseball.”
“Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel: cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of Hell.”
I think if this every time I mail something.
Carl: Hey Lenny, sending some out going mail?
Lenny: You know it.
Carl: I’ll probably send some tomorrow.
Lenny: I hear that!
* high-five” *awkward pause* *both turn and walk away*
Further proof that Lenny and Carl are the greatest comedy duo since Laurel and Hardy.
Homer: “I know, I’ll do a rap! ‘I’m Mr. Plow and I’m here to say, I’m the plowingist guy in the USA. I have a big plow and I move a lot of things…”
Bart: “Stop it right now.”
Lisa: “Promise you’ll never do that again.”
Also:
Homer: “Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow. From Leave it to Beaver…yeah, they were gay.”
“I’m the Lindbergh baby, wah wah” — Grandpa Simpson
Lisa: I still can’t believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.
Homer Simpson: But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal. (singing) Can’t get enough of that Sugar Crisp …
Marge: I’m having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in?
Homer Simpson: (singing) Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in.
and all time favorite:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KpmFwVucs4
“… a wizard did it.” – Lucy Lawless
“Phew. All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I’ll order a Tab. Oop! No time for that now, the computer’s starting.”
Then why did I have the bowl Bart? Why did I have the bowl?-Milhouse
Pray….for…Mojo….
Now he just lies there, struggling to breathe.
Probably been brought up already but I don’t feel like sifting through all 500+ comments:
“Let’s go crazy Broadway style!”
“The kids can call you Ho Ju”
+
The Castalanetta’s and Fat Tony’s gang are having a meeting in Luigi’s restaurant, when they all draw guns on each other.
“It’s an Italian-American Mexican Standoff!”
A man at a nearby table: “I’m the president of the Italian American anti-defamation league. And this really burns my canoli!” (Draws ou pistols and points them at everyone)
This thread is like a thousand years old in Internet time by now, but:
Homer: “Why do you mock me, God?”
Marge: “Homer, that’s not God – that’s a waffle Bart tossed up there last week.”
[She gets a broomstick and knocks the waffle down into Homer's hands]
Homer: “I know I should not eat thee … but … [chomp] Mmm … sacre-licious.”
“Oh, daddy, this tastes like grandma!”
“Here comes a grease ball!”
“Hey! Luigi bring-a you the free pizza, why you gotta make-a the fun?
Judge: “Next case: Duff Man versus Duff Brewing Corporation.”
Duffman: “Duffman’s pension has been mismanaged! Oooh yeah!”
Lawyer: “Objection, that party-hardy additude is a registered trademark of the Duff Corporation.”
Duffman: “Whatever happened to fair-use. Oh!”
This is oviously so late but two leaped to mind:
‘The thing about my family is there’s five of us: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one who doesn’t talk and the fat guy’.
Marge: ‘Homer, is this what you expected married life to be like?’
Homer: ‘Pretty much, except we rode around in a van solving mysteries’.
Some favorites:
“I call the big one ‘Bitey.’” – Homer, from the Monorail episode
“Marge, do you want this done right or do you want it done fast?”
“Like all Americans, fast!”
“It’s gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this up!” – Homer
“Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life’s problems.” – Still Homer
“Your baby is DEAD!….Is what I would say to you if your baby were dead!”
Late entry – “Oh, so they have the internet on computers now!” – Homer
Also – “My cat’s breath smells like cat food” – Ralph
When Homer gives Lisa the personalized video for her birthday:
“Howdy partner, my name is (LISA SIMSPON). My favorite book is (MAGAZINE).”
The note Marge leaves for Bart in his lunch: “Be good. For the love of God, PLEASE be good.”
Homer: [folding a balloon incompetently] And then, take that…and…put that in there, and you…ah! There’s your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph: I’m a boy!
Homer: That’s the spirit. Never give up.
I want some taquitos.
One of the best exchanges ever witnessed on a Treehouse of Horrors:
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware, it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oohh, that’s bad.
S: But it comes with a free frogurt!
H: That’s good.
S: The Frogurt is also cursed.
H: That’s Bad.
S: But you get your choice of topping.
H: That’s good.
S: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
H: …….
S: That’s bad.
H: Can I go now?
One of my favorites was also a site gag, from a Simpsons comic book… random store in the background of a frame: “Dip Your Arm in Caramel”
“you mean its not magaggies birthday?”
“Embiggens? Pfft. I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield.”
“I don’t know why. It’s a perfectly cromulent word
Repo Man: “Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job”
“Homer: Look, all I’m saying is, if these big stars didn’t want people going through their garbage and saying they’re gay, then they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively.”
“I’m not normally a praying man…but if you’re up there please save me superman!”
“The “garage”? Hey fellas, the “garage”! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.” – Moe
“Hello Mr. chipmunk. You’re a northern reticulated chipmunk. Yes you are. You’re so reticulated.” – Lisa
“I-agree-with-your-moth-er-you-are-a-disa-point-ment-to-Ha-oh-ma-eh-er.” – Phonic Frog
” Homer: Aw, the Denver Broncos!
Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
Homer: Yeah, yeah.
Marge: Well, explain to me why it isn’t.
Homer: (Sighs) You just don’t understand football, Marge”
The Broncos won the next two Super Bowls, so good work Homer!
How can Ace be one AND eleven?! What kind of God would allow that?!
Two Guys From Kabul – sometimes I think you WANT to fail
“Oh, now I have three kids and no money. I wish I had no kids and three money!” -Homer
“Dancing away my hunger pangs. Moving my feet so my stomach won’t hurt. I’m kind of like Jesus, but not in the sacrilegious way …”
“Mmmmm…. Floor pie….”
“Mmmm…. Sacri licious.”
“Help me, Jebus!”
“Mormon? But I’m from Earth!”
And I forgot— Uderbrauten!
Remember when [Santa's Little Helper] ate my goldfish and you said I never HAD a goldfish. Why did I have the bowl, Bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL?
Principal Skinner, testing creamed corn: “Best Quality.”
Willy, trying to eat his eat his way out of his cabin: “AUGH– it tastes TERRIBLE!
Wow I’m really late on this one, but this one deserves mentioning, if it wasn’t already:
“I’m going to pull an all-nighter, Marge, so put on a pot of coffee, drink it, and start making burgers!”