Photos
This fan art based on a moment in an old episode of The Simpsons when Ralph Wiggum calls Superintendent Chalmers “Super Nintendo Chalmers,” which is incidentally one of my Top Two Favorite Simpsons Jokes of All Time (the other Top Two Joke being when Homer Simpson says that holding a gun makes him “feel like how God must feel. When He holds a gun”), and this coming right after yesterday’s Caption Contest fan art of the “real” Simpsons makes me realize that we’ve never had an Open Thread for people to share their favorite Simpsons quotes, so we might as well get that out of the way and then MOVE ON WITH OUR LIVES AND NEVER LOOK BACK. We’re better than this. Or at least, after this we will be better than this. It’s awful when people won’t stop quoting their favorite jokes from The Simpsons, but it’s just the world we live in. Better to get it out of our systems once and for all than to lie to ourselves and pretend like this isn’t a thing we would all do and are about to do right now. (Image via TheDailyWhat.)
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Lisa: These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.
Marge: Girls, Lisa! Boys kiss girls!
Also:
Home: “Mr. Burns, you’re the richest man I know. Way richer than Lenny.”
Mr. Burns: ” Well, Homer, I’d trade it all for a little more.”
[Ice cream truck drives into the school, all the kids rush to buy popsicles.]
Ralph buys an ice cream cone, splashes it on his forehead:
“I am a retarded unicorn!”
“I said shut up, net face!” – Homer
My five-year-old quotes this line quite often.
“I think I just logged onto my inner-net.” – Carl Carlson
stupid lisa garbage face? thought you would have been on that.
I thought it was a little “on the nose, don’t you think?” -Those gay republicans upon seeing Maggie’s pink elephant balloon
As a child (7-8), that pink elephant reminded that republicans have the elephant and democrats the donkey.
The Simpsons have raised me.
Ok, fine.
Bart: No, Loudmouth Lisa! Stupid Lisa Garbage Face! I can’t take this anymore! Somebody pay attention to me! Look at me!
She also says, “The boot kicked Bart! It kicked him right in the butt!”
I find it hilarious. Her father does not.
“There’s only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals, and Bart doesn’t look like a big, fat party animal to me!” – Homer
“I’m a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me!”
Flanders buries what he thinks is a coffin, but is really Homer in a deprivation tank.
Todd Flanders: You sure buried him deep, daddy.
Ned Flanders: Not so deep the Lord can’t find him – and judge him.
“It’s German for ‘The Bart, The’”
“Nobody who speaks German could be an evil man.”
YES!!!
Jasper: Moon Pie! What a time to be alive!
Lisa: I don’t think anyone in this family could be capable of murder.
Grampa: You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.
It’s not whether you win or lose…it’s how drunk you get – Homer
“We the purple? What the hell was that?” – from Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington
“There will be no more mockery of your name Mr. Glasscock.” – Skinner
“Kent O’Brockman live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.”
Chief Wiggum (to Ralph): You know you’re not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?
“I’ve been called ugly, fugly, pugly, pug fugly… but not UGLY ugly!” -moe
Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield.
Miss Hoover: I don’t know why, it’s a perfectly cromulent word.
And we have a winner.
whenever somebody drives all the way home on a ladder or a goose-shaped paddle boat, etc.
I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords!
-Kent Brockman
Only *who* can prevent forest fires?
You pressed ‘You,’ referring to me.
The correct answer is ‘You.’
You’ve selected “regicide!” If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered…
Old Prospector: “The last city slickers to use reverse psychology on me are pushing up daisies!”
Bart: “You mean they’re dead?”
Old Prospector: “No, they just have lousy jobs.”
Skinner: Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Willie: I warned ya! Didn’t I warn ya?! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
These predate stainless steel and you can’t get them wet.
http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://deadon.files.wordpress.com/2007/07/predate_stainless_steel.jpg%3Fw%3D460&imgrefurl=http://deadon.wordpress.com/2007/07/19/the-20-most-cromulent-simpsons-episodes-of-all-time-3/&usg=__jNy3XM4IwxpFCN9j3iGgO-CsrPM=&h=113&w=150&sz=15&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=1bt8eTvPwHdTeM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=120&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dthere%2Bpredate%2Bstainless%2Bsteel%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D664%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=169&vpy=128&dur=1115&hovh=90&hovw=120&tx=90&ty=39&ei=GU2aTIrMGsK7jAe835T0Dw&oei=GU2aTIrMGsK7jAe835T0Dw&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=28&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0
“Remember Alf? He’s back! In pog form!”
Homer: “Im going to miss Springfield, this towns been awfully good to us”
Bart: “No it hasn’t dad, thats why we’re leaving..”
Homer: “Oh Yeah! SO LONG STINKTOWN!!!”
I can see my ma from up here. HEY MA! GET OFF THE DANG ROOF!
Homer: “We’re here, we’re queer, we don’t want any more bears!”
Lenny: “Where’d ya hear that?”
Homer: “The mustache parade.”
Homer: “First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.”
“Yikes! You need booze!” – Dr. Nick Riviera
Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others!
-Kang
Always twirling, twirling towards freedom!
It does not matter which one of us you vote for. Either way, your planet is doomed! Doomed!
Man in Crowd: Well, I’m just going to vote for a third party!
Kang: Go ahead! Throw your vote away!! HA HA HA HA!!!
when marge took up gambling and homer had to make that god-awful florida costume.
“you made her cry. then I cried. then maggie laughed — she’s such a little trooper.”
and basically everything from the carny episode.
Pretty much the entire King-Size Homer episode…
Operator: “The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.”
…
Dr. Nick: “Well…be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use poptarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon…”
Bart: “You could brush your teeth with milkshakes!”
Dr. Nick: “Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you’re not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain. Bye bye, everybody!”
Sir, our seats cannot accommodate a person of your particular…carriage.
“Sir, if you just quiet down, we’d be happy to treat you to a large garbage bag full of popcorn.”
Homer: Oh. my. God!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: Tramapoline! Trampopoline! [runs out]
Bart: He said what now?
Marge: Please, don’t bring home any more old crutches!
Super Nintendo Chalmers: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven?
Skinner: Uh, oh, that isn’t smoke, it’s steam. Steam from the steamed clams we’re having.
….
Super Nintendo Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
Skinner: Oh, no, I said, “steamed hams. That’s what I call hamburgers.
I can’t wait to eat that monkey! – Abe Simpson
Homer auditioning for Mr. Burns in a play:
“Exactly… d’oh”
“Have the Rolling Stones killed!” – Mr. Burns
Smithers: But, sir, those aren’t the…
Mr Burns: Do as I say!
‘Don’t do what Donny Don’t does.’ They could have made this clearer.
I’m late to the game, and its not my personal favorite, but I haven’t seen anyone mention the Monorail Song and dance number.
Conan made that
The ring came off my pudding cap!
Take my pen knife, my good man!
“Wow. Now I have 4 children. You will be called Stitchface.” – Homer to a football
My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
When I was a kid I used to always quote the last Grandpa line in appropriate situations:
Abe: All right, I admit it: I am the Lindbergh baby. Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my fly-fly dada.
Friday: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?
Abe: A little from column A, a little from column B.
I am still known to use this column A/B thing, as recently as today. I am aware that the construction predates the Simpsons, but it’s because of Abe Simpson that I say it.
“I thought I was Springfield’s wing ding king, but, you make my chicken look like cock-a-diddily doo-doo.” – Ned Flanders
You can’t win friends with salad!
“I don’t know what phallocentric means, but no girls!” – Mr. Burns
Bart: Hello, Mr. …Kurns. I bad want…money now. Me sick.
Homer: Ooh, he card read good.
Two lines never get old for me:
1) Bart daydreams that he grows up and becomes a morbidly obese man and reveals to reporters from this bedside: “I wash myself with a rag on a stick.”
2) Moe takes a shot at stand-up: “How you folks doin’? I’m Moe, or as the ladies like to call me, ‘Hey you! Behind the bushes!”
“I’ve got three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?” – Homer
Homer: Butter that bacon, boy…..now, bacon that sausage!
May I also say without any hint of hyperbole that this is the greatest thread in the history of not just Videogum, but the entire internet.
Lionel Hutz: Homer, I don’t use the word hero very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been to Vietnam, Iraq, and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. ~ Kent Brockman
“Oh MY CANS! MY PRECIOUS ANTIQUE CANS! LOOK WHAT YA DONE TO ‘EM!”
Bart: “Do you think they were involved in the Kennedy assassination?”
Homer: “I do… now.”
(Homer playing Lisa’s saxophone): Saxomaphone! Saxomaphone!!!!
Children are the future. Today belongs to me.
Principal Skinner: When I was a little boy I discovered a comet, but the credit was stolen from me. If only I had not told my discovery to Principal Kouhoutek!
Also from the same episode and probably one of the funnies exchanges in the show between multiple characters:
Moe: Hey, uh, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Er, I’ll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you all try to guess what it is. Ahem. (Makes some unidentifiable noise)
Chief Wiggum: It’s a pig!
Bart: It’s a cow, man.
Lisa: It’s a pony.
Krusty the Clown: No, it’s a goat. You know, one of them lady goats.
Selma: There are no lady goats! A lady goat is a sheep.
Dr. Hibbert: I believe she’s right.
Otto: You’re crazy.
Captain McCallister: Arr, what’s it to you?
Otto: What’s it to me?
(Everyone starts arguing)
Marge: Stop it! Stop it! Can’t you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart? (Pause) Say, Moe, was it a duck?
(Everyone argues again)
Homer: Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can’t take this any more. I can’t let that brave man out there die alone. I’m surprised and disgusted by all of you, especially his children. I’m going out there! (Pause) It was a baby ox.
Lisa: I can’t believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I’ve actually picketed against burned up the comet.
Bart: But what’s really amazing, is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen.
Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids. I’m scared too!
Burlesque house woman: “Are you wearing a grocery bag?”
Homer: “I have misplaced my pants”
“Hit any key….hmmm….where’s the ‘any’ key. I see ‘alt’ and ‘ctrl’….but no any key!”
Wait a minute! I’m a guy like me!
You don’t make friends with salad.
“How ironic, now he’s blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.”
“Free college, free college, free college…”
“AND A HOT PLATE”
Lionel Hutz: This calls for a celebration! Who’s up for a belt of scotch?
Marge: It’s 10 in the morning.
LH: Yeah, but I haven’t slept in dayssss.
Mr. Burns: “Mattingly, get rid of those sideburns!”
Don Mattingly: “What sideburns?”
Mr. Burns: “You heard me, Hippie!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHv3aDa8n_A
Lisa: “There’s enough gazpacho for everyone!”
(everyone laughs)
Barney: “Go back to Russia!”
“Hi Everybody!”
“Hi Dr. Nick!”
Bart: I used to be a great drummer, but now I’m nothing…..just like Phil Collins.
Old Russian Lady with Squid: “YOU BUY IT! YOU BUY IT!”
PRAY FOR MOJO
Tis a fine barn, but sure ’tis no pool, English.
Doh-eth!
Fat Homer: I don’t want to look like a weirdo. I’ll just go with a muumuu.
“I’m a level 5 vegan. I don’t eat anything that casts a shadow.”
Homer: Hey! [grabs it, stomps on it] I saved your life! That egg sandwich could have killed you by cholesterol.
Lenny: Pfft, forget it, Homer. While it has been established that eggs contain cholesterol, it has not yet been proven conclusively that they actually raise the level of serum cholesterol in the human blood stream.
Homer: So one of those Egg Council creeps got to you too, huh?
Lenny: Aw, you’ve got it all wrong, Homer. It’s not like that.
[a man in an egg costume creeps, then runs, away]
Homer: You’d better run, egg!
Comic Book Guy: “Last night’s Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.”
Holy cow guys, That’s us!
Yikes, nailed it!
Monoraaaaaaail!
– I call for one of those bad trial thingies.
– A mistrial?
– Yeah! That’s why you’re the judge, and I’m the law-talkin’ guy,
Celeste: There’s something wrong with what my Stacy says.
Malibu Stacy: [in a low voice] My spidey sense is tingling — anybody call
for a web-slinger?
Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Mr. Burns?
Moe: No!
(BUZZ!)
Moe: Okay, maybe I did, but I didn’t shoot him!
(DING!)
Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you’re free to go.
Moe: Good, ’cause I’ve got a hot date tonight! (BUZZ!) Odd date. (BUZZ!) Dinner with friends. (BUZZ!) Dinner alone. (BUZZ!) Watching TV alone. (BUZZ!) Alright! I’m just going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalog! (BUZZ!) Sears catalog. (DING!) Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (BUZZ!)
Sorry what is this i dont even, I used the same quote as you, clearly fifteen minutes after you posted this one. My apologies and moe is the best.
Groundskeeper Willie, looking at Selma(or Pattie?)’s video dating tape: “Eulch! Back to tha Loch wit yew, Nessie!”
The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
That’s a right triangle, you idiot!
Extra points for matching your avatar to your quote.
Moe: “Aww gee, you even drew in the smelly lines.”
http://www.avclub.com/articles/beyond-doh-simpsons-quotes-for-everyday-use,1543/
This article reminded me in 2006 to start using “Everything’s coming up Milhouse!” in casual conversation. The four years since have been a blur of money, fame, and beautiful women.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. – Matt Groening
Dr. Nick: Inflammable means flammable? What a country!
Homer, to Bart: Well, crying isn’t gonna bring him back…unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back or you can go out there and find your dog.
Also, Ned’s parents: We’ve tried nothing and we’re all out of ideas! (Reminds me of co-workers, family, etc.)
BART: Why are you always trying to get me to take a potato to school for Show-And-Tell?
MARGE: I just think they’re neat.
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.
Manager: This gentleman here can write better fortunes than
all of you put together. [to Homer] Show them.
Homer: Okay, let’s see … um, The price of stamps will
climb ever higher.
[the writers murmur appreciatively]
Woody: That is … he’s like a young me.
Writer: Please, Young Mi was a hack compared to this guy.
Just once I’d like for someone to call me “sir” without adding, “You’re making a scene”.
Para ti, amiga:
Homer: Hola senor! We are gringo and wish to spend mucho dinero in your country.
Border Patrol: Splendid! Welcome to Canada!
Homer: D’OH!
Mil gracias!
I love it too when Homer and Marge are at the exclusive preschool interviewing with Maggie, and the director says that there are scholarships for international students, and Homer says, “Excelante, muchas gracias señorata!”
Also a great one! How about some Bumblebee Man?
“¡Ay, Dios no me ama!”
ay, el gato malodoro!
I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was. Now, what I’m with isn’t it, and what’s “it” seems weird and scary to me.
“Money can be exchanged for goods and services.”
“Ah, no. You got the wrong number. This is 9-1-…2″
Pepe: I love you, Papa Homer.
Homer: I love you too, Pepsi.
HOMER: Doh!
MARGE: A dear!
LISA: A female dear!
Yeah! (except it’s ‘deer’)
Doh! Yer right. I knew that. Good catch.
Lord, I know I shouldn’t eat Thee…
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you might have some mail for me?
Mail clerk: Certainly. What’s the first name?
Homer:… I …don’t… know.
Beat me by a refresh button!
“It doesn’t matter how you feel inside, you know. It’s what shows up on the outside that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you’re almost walking on them. And then you’ll fit in, and you’ll be invited to parties, and boys will like you. And happiness will follow.”
Wiggum, at the chili cookoff:
“That Simpson thinks he’s the Pope of Chilitown.”
(Popes of Chilitown was the name of my fantasy baseball team for many years after that.)
Milhouse sticks a straw in the all-syrup Squishie: “It’s so thick!”
Just the way he says it, I lose it.
“…And all this time, I was smoking HARMLESS tobacco!” – Burns, revealing his true self to the Greenpeace group he infiltrated
“This brown patch over here needs a little H-2-OH YEAH!” – Duffman, watering his lawn
“But Duffman, you said that if I slept with you you’d put me on the TV show!”
“…Duffman says a lot of things.”
Whenever I’m about to have dinner and something was forgotten in the kitchen I always say “slivered almonds for the green beans!”
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns–what’s your first name?
(pause)
Homer: I don’t know.
Hey, I don’t know how to translate this one into English:
When Marge gets a boob job, and her back aches, and she says: “Sólo me aguanto de pie porque me dan pellizcos en el culo”.
Speech Coach: Up and atom
Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them
S.C: Up and ATOM
R.W: Up and AT THEM
S.C: UP AND ATOM!
R.W: UP AND AT THEM!!!!!
“Better.”
“Lisa needs braces…Dental plan! Lisa needs braces… Dental plan!”
Old man: “Nay”
Homer: Who keeps saying that?”
Old man: “It was him. Get him fellows!”
Millhouse: Remember that time your dog ate my goldfish, but you told me I never had a goldfish? But why’d I have the bowl Bart? Why’d I have the bowl?”
Moe: “he’s right ya know…”
Skinner (?): “About the baby ox?”
Moe: About everything damnit!”
Homer: “Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”
I was raised on TV and I turned out TV.
Flanders’ parents: “We’ve tried nothin’ and we’re all outta ideas!”
Springfield’s Hair Salon: “Turn Your Head and Coif”
*Barney grabs a champagne bottle and chugs it
Barney: “IT BEGINS”
*Barney blasts off in a jet-pack, runs out of fuel, and ends up being run over by a marshmallow truck.
NASA employee: “I don’t understand it… that was non-alcoholic champagne.”