Photos
In yesterday’s primary election, tea party candidate Christine O’Donnell pulled an upset win in Delaware over 9-term incumbent Republican candidate Mike Castle. Congratulations, Christine O’Donnell. And congratulations Delaware! You guys are doing great! O’Donnell had the important endorsement of Sarah Palin, which certainly helped her claim the nomination, and she has taken up the Palin mantle of presenting herself as a woman of the people doing the hard work of being super down to Earth. (On that note: the popular contemporary argument that somehow our elected leaders should all be a bunch of sloppy, lazy shitheads like the rest of us is so impossibly insulting and wrong-minded that it makes me insane. Our leaders should be the best that we have to offer. Obviously, they are all humans and humans are the worst, so we’re already at a deficit in terms of finding good ones, but we should at the very least try.)
For those of us who don’t live in Delaware, one question we might ask is “Who is Christine O’Donnell?” And also “What are her qualifications to enter one of the most important governing bodies in our modern democracy?” Good questions. Very critical. Well, after O’Donnell’s surprise win last night, Rachel Maddow provided answers to both of these questions when she unearthed a clip from 1996 in which O’Donnell appears on an MTV documentary about sex (AN MTV DOCUMENTARY ABOUT SEX!) talking about her IMPORTANT mission to END masturbation in America. Because life is precious, and God, and the Bible.
COOL! Too cool? Probably too cool.
Before we go further, and perhaps this goes without saying, we are all entitled to believe whatever we want to believe, even Christine O’Donnell. If you think that masturbation literally opens a gate to hell through which your genitals will detach themselves from your body and plummet into the flames before the gate seals up again with a wisp of smoke leaving you to walk the Earth with a raw scar describing your transgression, that is fine, YOU ARE WELCOME TO THAT FUCKING STUPID IDEA. Just, you know, STAY OUT OF MY GOVERNMENT.
Good lord. I’m sure that if you unearthed a video of what I was up to 14 years ago, I wouldn’t come out looking very good and would probably be mildly embarrassed and full of explanations for how I have grown and changed as a person in the interim. A bunch of us probably feel that way! 14 years is a long time! But do you know what the difference is between us and Christine O’Donnell? In addition to the fact that our theoretical embarrassment over a metaphorical video would stem from choices in haircuts and possibly the things that we say in the video that we clearly seem to think are “jokes” despite the fact that they are obviously not jokes, rather than embarrassment over making a specious link between “evil” masturbation and FUCKING AIDS, the real difference is more just that we have the decency NOT TO RUN FOR CONGRESS. Because we, unlike Christine O’Donnell, are aware that WE DON’T BELONG THERE.
But like I said, congrats Delaware! Put a ring on it! (Thanks for the tip, dexterbotwin.)
 |
 |
You Might Also Like
 Duh Aficionado Magazine: Christine O’Donnell Is Stupid | Christine O’Donnell References “Bed Intruder Song” In… | Christine O’Donnell’s Greatest Hits |  Oh Shut Up, Christine O’Donnell |
Leave a Reply
Sign inSign in with FacebookYou must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.
I was not Delaware I’ve been so selfish all this time. Ladies, wanna help me out here?
“You can’t have sex with a cabbage without LUST!”
Just make sure you wash it off first.
And afterwards.
Now that would be an affair gone sauer.
I’ll stop to think about this chilling political turn when I finish fapping to all those lusciously brown-lipsticked 90s mouths.
I would say not to worry, and that she is unelectable, but I live in the state that gave the world Michele Bachmann. Delaware, you are welcome to join my Ug party
At least it’s not an Ugg Party. Those boots need to go away.
oh no! what if her Democrat opponent has really bad eye sight?
…and bad acne and harry palms!
I’m going to call it “pulling an upset win” from now on.
So good. And dirty.
YUMMMMM. So much lust!
Can we replace all of the “so good” gifs with this gif instead???? Werttrew, you’re the only one who has the power, and for all female monsters I am saying please. Please please please.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Good Golly Gosh, I’ve been looking at this gif. for far longer than would be considered appropriate.
Christene O’Donnell would be so disappointed.
An interesting historical note: Lou Barlow appeared on that same program to provide the counterargument.
I remember that… he had a Joy Division shirt on!
Lou Barlow and Ian Curtis in 2012!
or, you know, 2012 in 2012!
Lou Barlow should enter the Delaware race as a write in and they could recreate the MTV Documentary in a debate. J Mascis could be Barlow’s campaign manager.
Barlow’s campaign manager had this to say about his candidate’s performance in the debate: “I don’t know. I guess he did all right. I just watched part of it and then went to bed.”
Maybe this is why Lou was so “Willing to Wait.”
Oof.
“God given sexual desires”
Altar Boy joke.
I’m not sure I’ll ever understand the Christian philosophy on sex. Is it “Just Don’t Learn How It Works”?
I like to think of abstinence only education in colloquial terms: “Don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit.”
Well, for the vast majority of mainline Christianity, it is just regular. Learn the birds and bees, pay attention in school and don’t get pregnant.
The Evangelical/Fundamentalists, to greater or lesser degrees, want you to steer clear of any and all possible temptation before marriage, but after marriage, they do it a lot and talk about doing it and basically just rut and rut and rut. I think it is the odd fixation on sex that confuses people–they are the ones that talk about how bad it is before marriage, talk about masturbation and are obsessed with homosexuality–comes from the fact that they are all really, really horny.
I mean, “19 Kids and Counting” isn’t an accident.
I’m holding out hope that their willful lack of education will eventually stop that reproductive locomotive. They can’t possibly know how to count much higher than 19, right?
No they are still counting
My last name is O’Donnell, and every time I my last name associated with this, I cry a bit. Today is going to be a hard day. Keep me in your thoughts, guys.
*note: “every time I *see* my last name associated with this…” this is what happens when I type comments while on a conference call.
But, more fun! She doesn’t believe in evolution either. Yay, Democracy!
I find that even more disturbing than her choice in lipstick/sexual philosophy.
Are you serious, America? ARE YOU JOKING WITH ME.
Well I’m here to take a stand against her!
…Oh no, what’s this??
is that stigmata or a masturbation induced callus?
Yes.
I don’t know about you guys but I totally Belong In Bongress
Or Congress.
WHOOPS
Mondays are the worst, right guys
It’s Tuesday, brainiac. Somebody’s been hitting the “bongress” alright (rolls eyes)
Bongress is where you vote on what type of bong to use.
I would so totally run for Bongress.
In Bongress the Internetz run on tubes.
I’d do her.
“But why would you when you can more easily masturbate?” asks the now-41-year-old candidate for the U.S. mutha(non)fuckin’ Senate.
I’d rather masturbate than do her.
If you get good at it, you don’t really need her anyway.
Pshhh. She’s one step ahead, guys. “What am I even there for?!” What indeed, ma’am? What indeed…
And here I was just thinking that she was doing her part to end masturbation by not giving anyone any material to work with.
Stay pure.
You are in the picture now, Christine O’Donnell. You are DEFINITELY in the picture now.
SLIDE SHOW!
As a Delawarean, I promise all of you that I will not stop masturbating until Chris Coons is elected.
Nov. 2nd: Pull the lever for Coons
Except that we have push button voting machines. Push that button, ladies!
I’m new to Delaware and haven’t voted here yet, so… the button isn’t a myth?
Ugh.
I just want to be clear that I have not stopped masturbating. Tirelessly masturbating.
Is it wrong that the whole time I was reading that article, I was thinking of this:
And, well, you know…
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Was that supposed to be a sentence? Very grammatical. Very meaningful.
“Aids is a problem that comes from sex outside marriage” ??? – So let me get this straight; if I get hitched I’m immune?.
I am also disturbed by her uncanny likeness to Elaine from Seinfeld (who I MAY have selfishly masturbated to in the past)
The difference is, Elaine turned out not to be Queen of her Castle.
I think the Dog Brothers are running for Senate in New Jersey.
Anything to rush children into premature marriage so they will feel “pure” when they fuck each other’s brains out. Side note: Does mutual masturbation count?
Now that is an excellent question.
I literally say this every month: just the best selection of terrible photos of people. I take a lot of comfort in the knowledge that when Gabe decides to write about someone terrible (be it this crazylady, Jamie Foxx, or whoever), he makes the maximum effort possible to find the worst photo of them in existence.
Also, a) I couldn’t love Rachel Maddow more, b) the 90s were awesome and c) Lou Barlow AND Jessi Klein!!! Jessi Klein rules.
Oh, and d) I don’t really give a shit about that woman as long as she only preaches to her own choir. STAY OUTTA MY KID’S SCHOOL LADY (when I have a kid)
I don’t think she intended to win the nomination. She was just cleaning the GOP Senate primary and it went off.
Also: I’m pretty sure the only way kids get through high school is frequent, furious masturbation.
But Gabe, if we elect this so called “best that we have to offer”, those b-holes are just going to waste our on lame stuff like trying to cut our dependence on foreign oil and ending poverty. I want a candidate that tells my husband to stop jerking it, and gives lip service to my beliefs.
Chris, you have your finger on America’s pulse–and Christine O’Donnell thinks that is wrong.
Also, I’m like 85% sure she’s masturbating at the 1:01 mark.
Love the musical backdrop, and am currently mentally rewriting lyrics to “What if God was One of Us” to include as many different mentions of him masturbating.
Why ARE you in the picture?
I say we should all form a circle and stage a mass demonstration.
So who’s bringing the cookies and/or biscuits?
I’ll bring the lorries.
Oof, sorry, it’s late.
Do Christians put their hands so high in the air to keep them away from their bits?
anything to keep them from touching one’s charlie browns.
I am pretty much an anti-religion guy. That being said, I understand that labeling all Christians as crazy, Christ-militant, sexual-hangup-creating, bigots and monsters is simply not true. There are level-headed, kind, sympathetic, intelligent humans who identify with the Christian faith and use its philosophy to do great things and be generally agreeable people who don’t nitpick over ambiguous bullshit in the bible (which they don’t take literally).
My point is, HEY! Level-headed, sympathetic, charity-work-doing, intelligent Christians! Please. please, PLEASE speak up for your religion and let the world know that nutjobs using your name for Fascism need to be stopped!
Rant over. Peace and (whatever) bless.
We try. I can’t decide if the crazy ones are just louder or if the people who broadcast the messages have a vendetta against us?
c) all of the above
^^Subtle anti-semitism…
j/k
Just about to post something similar. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “crazy” being referred to as “Christian.” I kindly ask everyone to consider using the words “fundamentalist” and “extremist” as a adjective to describe these awful people. This is not a “Christian” belief. Jesus never talked about sex or masturbation, or homosexuality or abortion. He talked about loving everybody and doing good stuff for your fellow humans and loving God. The end. There are a lot of Christians out there who actually follow that, please don’t lump us together with this garbage.
Actually Jesus did denounce sex, homosexuality and masturbation in the gospels. He even said that if you are tempted to masturbate, you should cut off your own hand. Go back and read the gospels again; they’re chock full of crazy shit.
You mean I’m supposed to take the “sin” thing figuratively as masturbation and then the “cut off your hand” thing literally? That IS crazy.
That’s a good point Bowie. I suppose that is unfair take that literally. I still feel that in the context of “lust=adultery=hell, therefore do whatever you can to avoid it,” the right hand causing you to sin implies masturbation, but you can’t assume, I’m sorry. However, you cannot say that Jesus never talked about sex, because he did. Not as often or as explicitly or as offensively as Paul, but he still did.
I always assumed that the left hand was doing the jerking, and the right hand causing you to sin was the one creeping slyly towards your b-hole. And that the cutting off your hand was really about making sure you keep your nails trimmed if you’re going to get after that.
Ugh, sorry.
I’m sure no one will read this now, but I just wanted to say, we all exaggerate. That’s pretty much what this blog is about. In my opinion , that’s what Jesus was doing when He was trying to prove his point that for Christians, the worst thing is to be eternally separated from God, which is ultimately what sin does, so you’re better off cutting off your hand if that’s what’s causing you to sin (not necessarily referring to masturbation, and was most likely referring to stealing). Anyway, that’s my 2 cents.
Jabberwocky: thank you.
I didn’t think that I’d ever be able to run for government after I wrote an article about Why I Hate White People in the school paper, but Christine O’Donnell has inspired me.
Seriousgum for a minute, you guys.
This bothers me, you guys, and not in the ways you’re probably used to on here.
A) That someone’s personal campaign from over 10 years ago, a campaign that I doubt was an issue for this election, should hold any sort of sway in this current election. And I know that we’re mostly making fun of it on here because it’s been drug up, but that wasn’t the intent of the newscast. They honestly want this to have sway in whether or not she’s elected, because let’s be honest, it makes her look ridiculous.
B) But then, why does it even make her look ridiculous? Because she’s socially campaigning against something a serious newscaster won’t even say the name of on air? Clearly there’s already a stigma related to masturbation; it’s not such a leap of the imagination to find someone who think it’s wrong. So we may disagree with her, but is it really so outlandish as to be the only reason needed to disqualify her from being elected?
I don’t know anything about Delware politics or about O’Donnell’s real qualifications or anything else about this election for that matter. But I do know that in the media I keep seeing more and more half-cocked, knee jerk responses to what goes on in the world and less and less serious thought. And it bothers me. Example: Anything related to anything Lady Gaga does (Meat dress story? Woof, on more than one level).
So, this is not a response to any one monster on here, or even Gabe (Hi, Gabe!), because I’m pretty sure you guys are giving serious consideration to the media messages being blasted at us. I just wanted to vent.
Now, let’s return to lightheartedgum
I just gave my engagement ring to Christine…
You don’t find it the least bit unsettling that she once devoted so much time and energy to put an end to something as commonplace and safe and normal as masturbation? Her quest doesn’t strike you as wrong-headed and foolish? Even if she has changed (which I doubt), she should have to answer to that.
Basically:
(a) It’s abstinence education, which is stupid and wrong. While abstinence is the best way to not get preggers and avoid STDs and the like, “abstinence education” has the opposite effect. Instead of teaching kids to be abstinent, it simply abstains from actually teaching them. It leaves them unprepared to deal with sex when they actually get to the point where they need to choose.
(b) This is even worse than normal abstinence “education”, because it’s goal is not to prevent kids from getting pregnant and getting STDs. It’s not even pretending to be a social or medical thing …the anti-masterbation issue is entirely based on Religion. “If you think it, it’s as bad as if you did it” is the rule on sinning, so that’s the only strike against masterbation. Or maybe it’s a lubricated slope where once you find out how good it is to bust a nut, you won’t stop, and soon your doing things that only a Senator or Priest would do.
(c) It shows a failure of logic. Not that masterbation is probably one of the safest forms of sex, and a great way to prevent pregnancy and STDs. No, that her whole argument that masterbation = sex outside marriage or adultery is based on the idea that lust in the mind is the same as lust in action. Of course that would mean that WANTING to masterbate, even if you don’t, is just as bad as actually masterbating. So, you should just do it. Then again, if you are masterbating and thinking about doing something to the altar boy, it’s just as bad as actually doing it to the alter boy (I guess that explains that …). So, on the one hand, her argument why not to masterbate not only ends up saying that if you are thinking about doing it, you might as well do it … but it basically says that your equally damned for fantasizing as doing, so there is no “harm” in doing one instead of the other …
Basically, a lot of the “fringe” candidates are fringe for a reason. They aren’t just religious they are CRAZY religious. They aren’t just say, against abortion. They think that a woman should have to keep her baby even if it was the product of incestuous rape AND that said baby may turn out to be a blessing in disguise because God works in mysterious ways, etc … Or that the Government shouldn’t tell businesses that they have to treat people of other religions with respect because that is infringing on those businesses rights to treat other people as having no rights. This one might be a bit more funny than scary compared to some of the other candidates that upset the establishment by the will of the “people”, but it’s stlil pretty out there.
In other words, this isn’t a case of politician-got-drunk-in-college or something irrelevent that really has no basis in their credentials as a politician. Her anti-masturbation campaign, although in the past, is massively troubling when one considers what her stand on any number of social issues might be. If she felt it important enough at one point to try to stop people from doing something safe with their own body in the privacy of her own home, what else might she be capable of? Some people change, sure, but some people sadly do not. It’s understandable and justified that people are concerned, just as they were with David Duke and his pre-politics KKK ties.
She also apparently supports gay-conversion camps. So yeah, O’Donnell sucks.
The funny thing is, I kind of think that this is the least ridiculous thing about Christine O’Donnell. I think you’re totally right about this documentary not being all that shocking, and it’s probably not germane to this race. An appearance on a 90′s MTV documentary hardly defines a campaign. When I think of Lou Barlow, I don’t think of him as a pro-masturbation campaigner based on his appearance in the same documentary.
In reality though, Christine O’Donnell is campaigning as a fiscal conservative after bankrupting herself when campaigning against Joe Biden in 2008 (a race she lost 70%-30%). She then lied about the margin of her defeat, claiming she won two of Delaware’s three counties. She lost all three. She also sued her former employer for sex discrimination and claimed that they forced her to quit a Master’s program at Princeton University. In reality, she hadn’t even applied to Princeton and in fact didn’t have her Bachelor’s yet because she never paid her tuition. Her undergraduate institution had to sue her to get the money. Recently, she’s taken to claiming that in 2008 her house was broken into by operatives allied with Mike Castle (her opponent in this race, who was not running against her in 2008), and those operatives continue to hide in the bushes outside her home. She did not, however, report said break-in to the police like a sane person would.
The more you know.
Not to undermine the seriousness (and greatness of this conversation) but if you don’t think Lou Barlow is a pro-masturbation campaigner, you haven’t listened to “The Weed Forestin’” enough.
In the college paper, I wrote some opinion columns that I would not want to be fully associated with now. But if I ran for office, I would say, “I was 20. I’ve learned a lot since then.”
O’Donnell hasn’t said that. Yet! Maybe she will. Maybe she will impress us with the wisdom she has accumulated. She might tell us that she now figures that sex outside of marriage can be amazing too, and won’t give you AIDS, and that inside marriage she now realizes she is not just in the picture to make sure her husband never, ever touches his own body, and that if he ever did touch it, this would not be selfish, impure, or obviate her usefulness as a person. That she has gained, as it were, a fuller picture of human relationships and of herself and of her guy. She might even go nuts and say, “Earmuffs! When my husband slips it in, let’s just say I am not exactly thinking of Jesus. Just so you know. QED.”
But I predict instead she will take an approach like she is taking w/r/t with her really messy personal finances (unpaid loans, lawsuits based on lies, trouble with the IRS). On the that topic, she is saying “I think the fact that I have struggled financially is what makes me so sympathetic.”
I think this is not a real adult who has sorted out the material and emotional catastrophe of her life enough to start writing laws that affect us. That is all.
Another intelligent and succinct response from Mr. Hotspur. Thank you, good sir.*
* If you are a lady monster I apologize
*I am indeed of the masculine persuasion. And kind words from you, Napoleon Complex, make my day, as you are one of history’s greatest monsters.
I’m actually blushing, wow, embarrassed. Thank you! I feel quite warm and fuzzy and my face looks like this ^_^
“So we may disagree with her, but is it really so outlandish as to be the only reason needed to disqualify her from being elected?”
Yes.
Masturbation is natural and healthy. Any sane and logical person is aware of this. Thinking otherwise indicates that there is something wrong with your mental process. It indicates that you are willing to use irrational feelings to guide your decisions. And when you take into account the fact that she is asking the public to give her a job which will require her to make decisions on a daily basis which will affect the public as a whole, then evidence of irrational thought processes becomes of the utmost importance.
Looks like the future of Delaware masturbation laws is in the voters’ hands.
WORDPLAY(WITH YOURSELF)!
That’s your Rapist, I mean Youth Pastor: Todd Hitchcock
Or your in-call client for your gentlemen-only penetrating “massage business.”
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Yes, but does Christine O’Donnell have what it takes to become sen_tankerbell’s new avatar?
We shall see…
I want to fight her.
She’s lucky 16 year old boys aren’t allowed to vote.
Upon further inspection I think that’s a girl.
Or a member of Brokencyde
Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love. — “Woody” Allen
She’s almost as excited in that picture as Gabe was to be at Comic Con.
Listen, if I wanted leaders that talked about issues instead of insignificant social minutiae with no bearing on our world, we would have elected Adlai Stevenson. But we didn’t. BIG MISTAKE, AMERICA.
#stevensonforprez1956gum
Here is picture for book
Better yet:
Hate to be a joke killer, but she is a born again, or so she claims. She says her excessive alcohol consumption and sexual activities in college were what lead her to promoting a chaste lifestyle.
“You’re going to be pleasing each other and if he already knows how to please himself then why am I in the picture?”
I saw this movie when it was called “Teeth.” Spoiler – Christine O’Donnel’s vagina has teeth.
that pastor looks like john travolta
Ugh, this actually is my candidate. Well, not MY candidate. But I’ve had to listen to enough of her radio commercials during baseball games, and I am not looking forward to seeing her crazyface on tv. (I listen to baseball games on the radio because I am an old man.)
Don’t worry, tv’s a fad anyway.
Nice “Mr. Show” reference, Gabe.
Just marry your hand!
Fun Fact: Women who won’t have sex before marriage engage in a higher percentage of anal sex. (True) If the same holds true for masturbation, I know a Senate candidate who has a smelly finger.
Here’s the thing: does it make sense, a campaign against masturbation, if you don’t believe in God, and not just a god you made up or someone made up, but the living, breathing God of the Bible?
Nope.
Without God, it looks more than a little silly (just like marriage. If you believe in marriage but you think God’s something we made up, then I have the following question for you: ???!!!). I think it has little bearing on her current campaign. Surely there’s more egregious mistakes in her past that should be examined then spit-balling insults at someone’s convictions which they didn’t even put on the table for the here and now.
And let’s remember it was Jesus in Matthew’s Gospel that said “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” which makes it really hard to play the “Well Jesus was great and all about love and stuff, and this woman’s nothing like Jesus” game. You can’t make him your homeboy and only get on board with the easy little coffee cup statements he makes and reject the more difficult texts.
Wooo, smells like some [/seriousgum]
So… what are you doing for dinner tonight?
I don’t know how she’d be as a governor, but she’d be a pretty terrible girlfriend… ugh.
i find this incredibly easy to fap to.
Anti-Masturbation ad from the 1950′s – http://bitly.com/IhqkyN LOL I can’t believe this s*** is real!!!