As someone who genuinely loves a good feud (“RIP EACH OTHER’S FACES OFF WITH YOUR MOUTH!” — Gabe), especially a good Coconut O’Reilly feud, because he really lays it all out on the banana line, I cannot tell you how disappointed I have been this week following along with the Jennifer Aniston vs. Bill O’Reilly “feud.” For those of you who have not been paying attention to this one, Aniston is doing press for her upcoming movie, Jennifer Aniston Is Lonely: The Movie, and had this to say about making human beings inside your body:
”Women are realizing it more and more knowing that they don’t have to settle with a man just to have that child. Times have changed and that is also what is amazing is that we do have so many options these days, as opposed to our parents’ days when you can’t have children because you have waited too long”
Sure. We get it. YOU’RE LONELY. Enough with this. The worst part about the “Jennifer Aniston Loneliness Perpetual Motion Machine” is the fact that I don’t even buy it. Princess is a millionaire and looks good. She’s doing fine, I’m sure. It’s just a cottage industry. The actual “sadness” of her barren womb and ringless finger is about as real as the “homelyness” of your local multi-million-dollar franchise Cracker Barrel. Anyway, Bill O’Reilly got mad about this quote, because it was a Tuesday, and what was he going to do, NOT get irrationally mad about some stupid thing*? So he said this:
“She’s throwing a message out to 12-year-olds and 13-year-olds that, ‘Hey you don’t need a guy. You don’t need a dad.’ That’s destructive to our society.”
Huh? “You don’t need a guy” and “You don’t need a dad” are two INCREDIBLY different messages, Bill. Which one is it? I also like the idea that 12 and 13-year-olds are reading Jennifer Aniston’s press junket interviews for a movie that holds absolutely no interest to 12 and 13-year-olds whatsoever, and feeling flush with empowerment and ready to get out there and START THEIR OWN FAMILIES. What a fucking idiot.
But so now Jennifer Aniston has responded with this:
“Of course, the ideal scenario for parenting is obviously two parents of a mature age. Parenting is one of the hardest jobs on earth. And, of course, many women dream of finding Prince Charming (with fatherly instincts), but for those who’ve not yet found their Bill O’Reilly, I’m just glad science has provided a few other options.”
At which point you remember that this whole feud is about SINGLE PARENTING, and that it is the year TWO THOUSAND AND TEN. I’m pretty sure we’re all familiar with the concept of a mother or father raising a child on their own, and the fact that it can work out just fine, and that we are all adults here, and sometimes things get complicated, and life is hard, because God is precious, and the bible, and we are not seriously going to sit around with our red faces and our meat hands and suggest that we’ve been living under a rock for the past 40 years during which the institution of marriage has proven itself to be IMPERFECT, to say the least, are we, Bill O’Reilly? And you, Jennifer Aniston, need to WORK ON YOUR COMEBACKS.
What a snore. I rate this feud 1 out of 5 FINISH HIMs.