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It’s Shark Week! As we all know, you should live every week as if it’s Shark Week, but there’s still only one Official Shark Week, and that week is this week! In honor of that, let’s caption this shark right here. What’s his deal? What’s he thinking? What’s he saying? Or her. Excuse me. I’m no sharkcpert. You won’t see me at the graduation from Sharkiversity up on the dais in my gun metal gown giving out the fin-shaped diplomas. The point is: could be a man shark or a lady shark, I don’t know. So this caption contest will be a real case of he-shark said / she-shark said.
Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. (NOTE: “We’re gonna need a bigger Shark Week bag” is automatically disqualified on account of being unbeatable.)
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Happy Birthday, Gabe from Videogum.com!
This is totally gonna win.
I hope not.
I got downvoted cause I thought the first comment was going to win?
i upvoted you, but not the first comment in question
Double
Heyyyyyy…. you got any gum?
That reminds me of Norm MacDonald doing David Letterman on SNL.
That was your reference wasn’t it? Did I just explain your joke like an asshole? I apologize for my failure, and shall excuse myself for the evening.
Haha it was my reference, but it’s cool. My sister and I use that phrase whenever we tell a joke that bombs in mixed company.
“Have you guys seen Inception yet?”
“:D”
Jaws for Aquadent
I will literally eat you (?).
“Y’all literally know me. Know how I literally earn a livin’. I’ll literally catch this bird for you, but it literally ain’t gonna be easy. Bad fish, literally. Not like literally going down the pond chasin’ bluegills, literally and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole, literally. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, an’ down you go. Literally. And we gotta do it quick, literally, that’ll literally bring back your tourists, literally put all your businesses on a payin’ basis. But it’s not gonna be pleasant, literally. I literally value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I’ll literally find him for three, but I’ll literally catch him, and literally kill him, for ten. But you’ve literally gotta make up your minds. If you literally want to stay alive, then ante up, literally. If you literally want to literally play it literally cheap, be on welfare, literally, the whole winter. I literally don’t want no volunteers, I literally don’t want no mates, there’s literally just too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars literally for me by myself. For that you literally get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing. Literally” –Quint. 1930–1977
This made my brain itchy.
I’m sorry. I’ll be under the pier selling my hemp necklaces, if anyone needs me.
Quint had to be older than that, didn’t he? I mean, was he only 15 when eleven hundred men went in the water, 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945? That can’t be.
Hemp, $5!
No, he was the cabin boy, like Pip.
But when he returned, he was a cabin man.
You guys are literally going to need a bigger boat.
“You better lawyer up, because I’m coming back for EVERYTHING!”
“I ate a clown for breakfast!”
Nicholas Sharks erupted from the briny depths carrying the mangled corpse of a certain (so called) author. “This,” he snarled as he chewed a massive chunk of flesh. “This is what I rid the literary world of.”
Uhhhm… we’re LITERALLY gonna need a bigger Shark Week Bag!?
dammit!
Oops. I just did this in best new party game. I apologize and retract my comment. If you want, my first born is yours. Mind you, I guarantee he or she will be terribly unattractive.
“No, man. If you dance on the side of the boat while I film with my cell phone, I won’t let anything bad happen to you like last time. I promise.”
“You guys are literally going to need a bigger boat.” #rachelzoemoviequotesfromtheperspectiveofashark
“Do I have anything in my teeth?”
Promo poster for the new Syfy moive – “Cheshire Shark”
This photo literally scared me to death. Literally. My ghost is typing this.
This used to pop up on my screensaver slideshow on my old laptop. Scared the crap out of my roommate at the time every time she saw it. I didn’t like her, so I kept it on.
#passiveaggressivewaystoannoybitchyroommateswithtechnology
Candygram.
You win!
Yoops! One day I will learn to refresh.
I was going to say that, but you beat me to it.
same
Four for you Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!
(^^^)
I guess that just works for facebook chat. womp.womp.
“Dude got hit by a truck! Wh-I mean that’s not cool man, posting… Shit.”
Ann Coulter was embarrassed as paparazzi caught a glimpse up her skirt at the debut of her new book “If I were wrong I’d be brown”.
Rad. My favorite comment on the thread.
It’s funny cause it’s true!
And here I always thought Ann Coulter’s vagina probably looked like the Sarlacc Pit.
Newest casting for season 3 of “Jersey Shore” met with excitement
The Jaws-ey Shore
Oh, hi shark.
You’re tearing me APART, shark!
“I did not bite her. It’s not true, it’s bullshit! I did not bite her, I did naaaaht. Oh, hi beachdwellers.”
– Dramatic monologues for sharks
“I got the results of the test back. I definitely got bitten by a shark.”
“You look beautiful today! Can I eat you?”
I will bob in the way of a jetski,
I will brood through a shoal in the bay,
My black fin will stand out, scaring swimmers
Just to show you that always, I will, I will
You’re my FAVORITE beachgoer!
Hi, Birdie!
Candygram.
PLAGIARIST COMMENTATOR!!!!!!!!
I’m just going to sit here and wait for Whoa! to come shut it down with something hilarious.
Where Samuel Jackson at?
Teaser footage from the Asylum’s new movie “SHARP TEETH”
So, when you have wicked good tortilla chips, but they’ve broken into pieces that are too small to dip into the jar of salsa, is it really bad to put a small handful in your mouth and just drink from the salsa jar? I mean screw the shark for a second, I’m embarrassed.
you too?
So glad I’m not the only one.
Growing up, my parents never bought us snacks of any kind. No chips, no cookies. I was a growing boy then, and when I would get home from school, I would be hungry, but there would be nothing to eat unless I wanted to cook a meal from scratch at 3:15, so I would either eat tuna out of a tin with Worcestershire sauce poured on top or, if there was no tuna, I would just dump grated parmesan cheese into my mouth, sort of like a dip, and then pour the Worcestershire directly into my mouth. My mother’s favorite snack, which I would also make if we had the necessary components, was a slice of American cheese from a block with horseradish on top.
What I am saying is this: life is hard and we all do what we have to do to get by in this world.
I appreciate this a lot. My mother refused to buy soda, so when I’d go to a friend’s house and their mom would give me a can of Pepsi with a PP&J, i was totally able to overlook the grape jelly (strawberry boy from birth.) You’ve obviously had to be more creative, and, rock on you did it.
On another note, I love thinking that your story is coming from the shark in the picture. Worcestershark Sauce HEY-OH!
I can’t tell if rehab has done LiLo any favors or not…
Life’s a beach.
“You look like my new best friend!”
(really look at the shark’s face for a while)
“Really look at the shark’s face for a while.” –The last advice my father ever gave me.
What the fuck?
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Since when did we upvote douchebaggery? when did this become Ain’t It Cool News?
“I hate you so much, Steve” – That One and Me
these L’Oreal “before”ads have really gotten out of control
“hey, did you hear that Bristol Pailin and that douchey Levi guy broke off their engagement again? I mean, I saw that coming and I’m a fucking shark!”
No? How about, “You folks got anything UN-oiled to eat up there?”
hmmm….. “I prefer Goat Week myself”?
You keep at it, bisquetaker! I believe in you!
So this shark walks into a bar right, and the bartender is all, “we don’t serve your kind here”, and then the shark is all, “It’s cool man, I have a picture of a surfer in my wallet”.
Maybe?
*standing ovation*
“Hey Gabe- those Werther’s aren’t going to throw themselves in my mouth!” -that shark
“More like shark WEAK. HAHA.” *SPLASH* “AAAAH AAH FUCK I’M SORRY I’M SORRY!!!”
What separates The Gathering from every other festival on the planet is the magic in the sea. The feeling of 10,000 victims around you. The chum-raderie. The schools. And the love felt everywhere throughout the ocean. You’ll eat people, meet future meals…you’ll probably reproduce.
“I used to date a hammerhead once. It didn’t work out. We could never see eye to eye.” #sharkupcomedy
http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACHHOOOOOO!!!!”
Listerine. Just 60 seconds eliminates plaque, tartar, copepods, remoras, fishhooks, and Robert Shaws. Its electromagnetic neutrality won’t irritate your Ampullae of Lorenzini, and it’s got an unbeatable fur seal flavor. Listerine: Smile, you son of a.
Did you learn about the Ampullae of Lorenzini from Shark Week like I did? Haha.
Not to overrespond to downvotes, but I didn’t mean that in a douchey way. You easily could’ve known things about sharks before Shark Week. I was just excited I knew what Ampullae of Lorenzini were.
“Stop staring at the zit on my nose!”
Deeeeerp.
if anybody wants to post the Samuel Jackson shark gif I will not call he or her a plagiarist commentator
Magic eye!
This makes me wonder if they could ever do an entire movie in magic eye. Or would that just give you an instant ice-cream headache?
Well, Magic Eyes work based on the same principle as stereoscopic 3D (the technology behind Avatar). So in a way, they already have.
Thanks for the seizure!
It’s a conveyor belt of skittles? I don’t understand. Did that shark taste the rainbow? Did he taste the double rainbow all the way or something?
A double row of teeth!!! What does this MEAN?!?!
-Double Rainbow Guy right before the shark eats him
oh man, i used to be so good at these, but that just took me about 3 minutes to see… farewell, my youth.
man, my computer is not down with magic eye gif files.
You know, I’m delicious breaded and fried in olive oil.
Look at this fucking shark.
Total shark over there.
Stuff sharks like
“Is there a grand opening at Popeyes? “
winner.
I believe it’s “winner winner chicken dinner”
wait a minute…
“My nostrils look like eye sockets.”
“Do you have any Clearasil?”
ABC. Always Be Coming out of the water.
my fave.
You should live every caption contest like it’s a shark week caption contest.
I don’t know how to post pictures.
[IMG]http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a32/LifeInPrism/JayShark.jpg[/IMG]?
Just take out the IMG tags.
Thank you.
i’m going to kill you.
NICKELBACK LYRICS!!!
Reel Big Fish lyrics.
DETHKLOK lyrics.
“It’s a shark’s open mouth. Jump into a shark’s open mouth.”
“Okay, Sheriff Brody, I’ll smile again, but you better not pull that shit you did last time.”
More like Shark Weak.
OM NOM NOM!
“oh hi, I’m the most horrifying thing you could ever imagine. If I were able to walk on land or fly, you’d all be fucking dead”
“Yeah, I have bloody gums, but it isn’t my blood.” –This shark.
Gay AND Fake
Jaws-Jaws
I was in Deep Blue Sea ~ Shark
Lady Gaga’s costumes are really getting pretty crazy.
YOU WIN LADY GAGA
-Gabe
Feed me Seymour.
“Threaten ya? I’ll put you in a f *ckin rose garden you c*nt! You understand that? Because I’m capable of it. You understand that?”
We’re gonna need a bigger upvote bag.
This is actually a leaked on set pic from Michael Bay’s upcoming “Moby 3-Dick”. Not pictured: explosions.
“Wanna be chum?”
Shirley the Shark – presented with the 2010 gummy “The BEST” award, after savagely dismembering and ingesting 299 characters from True Blood, a show for adults (she spared Jessica).
OM NOM NOM NOM NOM,
“GET. IN. MAH. BILL-AY!”
Videochum.com
hey guys yahoo has an article about Inception and they link one of the sentences to Gabe’s Scrooge and Donal Duck Inception post. I dunno I thought it was pretty cool. Kind of like seeing someone you go to school with at the grocery store. You’re kinda like, whoa that’s weird and kinda cool at the same time. I’ll stop now.
the internet is going viral
I have a picture of a human in some guy I ate’s wallet.
Cover that hoochie,girl.
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
I guess my decision to post gratuitously stupid/sexual comments a la what I imagine the real Mike Honcho would say was not the correct decision.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Aw, downvotes? It’s a “30 Rock” reference! “30 Rock” is a good show!
The internet is hard!
Whoa, a double teeth row! It’s starting to even look like a triple teeth row!
I’m in a Sublime cover band called Bad Fish. Get it?
What? A Downvote? I’m gonna practice Santeria all over everybody’s asses
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
HAHAHA you meant to offer constructive criticism and offer a funny or insightful comment but you just complained HAHAHAHA what an idiot!!!
Well shit, maybe I should just give up commenting altogether. I seem to be awful at it anyway. Back to lurking it is.
But for serious, though. I just can’t seem to get the hang of the style of humor here. Oh well, at least my mom thinks I’m funny.
It looks complicated at first, but it’s pretty straightforward:
- Negativity is generally downvoted unless it is directed at people established as being terrible. These include (but are not limited to) Gwenyth Paltrow, Seth MacFarlane, M. Night Shyamalan, Ke$ha, Tyra Banks and Scott Baio.
- Callbacks are king. Until you get some of the in-jokes around here, these comments will look bizarre. Everyone here is constantly making jokes playing of something that was said earlier that day, earlier that week, or 2 years ago. You’ll pick it up as time goes on.
- Don’t take upvotes/downvotes too personally, just keep saying things that YOU think are funny and people will start to get it. Steve Winwood used to automatically be voted to -10 every time he’d post ANYTHING, then his style grew on most of us and he generally gets upvoted (unless he’s being especially Winwood-y)
- Gabe’s age is between 55 and 225 depending on the situation, comments directed at him are either positive or, when negative, are obviously sarcastic. We all love Gabe and don’t like to see him bashed unless there is a legitimate reason.
- The best rule of thumb I can offer is this: If a comment is appropriate somewhere else on the web, it probably won’t fly around here. This is a pretty incredible oasis from the crap that exists outside of our little corner of the web, and we Monsters are pretty adamant about keeping it that way. Everyone wants to laugh and have a good time, and the jokes that work best are snarky with out being nasty, high-brow without being snobby, and irreverent without being off-topic.
The more people that are in on the fun the better, so DON’T STOP COMMENTING!!
Also Terrible are Nicholas Sparks and Jeff Dunham. Have at it!
This is super helpful. I’ll try my best. The list of people that are terrible is great – I never know who it’s okay to make fun of, and I seem to always end up picking someone wrong.
For the record I was kidding about making fun of Gabe. I love Gabe! He’s (obviously) the reason I even started reading this site in the first place. If not for his True Blood recaps I’d have nothing to look forward to on Mondays.
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dexterjerkwin
my name is mel gibson and i’ll put you in a f@&%’n rose garden you c@$t!!
Not pictured: potential for comedy.
“You’re gonna need a bigger dentist.” -Any normal-sized dentist.
“Hi, I’m Basil Marceux.com!”
Hi! I’m here for the gang bang…
I like the videogum.com site. because so informative information in this site.
http://ezinearticles.com/?Free-Exercise-to-Enlarge-Your-Penis—Exercise-to-Make-Your-Penis-Bigger-and-Larger&id=4775611
This is a good one. Especially since the shark probably has a really big penis. Get it?
Fish are friends – not food.
“oh the shark has pretty teeth dear…”
Is it possible for something to be both less scary and more terrifying at the same time? Greg Jackson submits these coloured photopapers as evidence.
“EVERYOOOONNNNE!!!!!”
Down here it’s Bear Week.
shit.
The shark still looks fake.
“You should just f—— smile and blow me! ‘Cause I deserve it.”
Pah!
If only my nostrils weren’t so close to my eyes, then I could see more than bubbles when I swiiiiiim.”
“DAMN YOU, JABBA”
Did someone say punch and pie?
“come on…don’t make me look like a jackass out here skinny dipping all alone!”