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Oh no, the Vampire King of Mississippi has his doubts about Vampire Bill’s loyalties! Haha. Just kidding. WHO CARES?! Someone should strap everyone on this show together and drive a stake through ALL of their hearts. Just a thought. I’m just saying that as an adult with adult responsibilities and adult concerns, it is not important to me whether or not a Vampire King (good grief) does or does not believe the word of a Vampire…guy. What is Bill, anyway? Vampire King is a King. Eric is a Vampire Bar Owner. Jessica is a Vampire Waitress. Tara’s boyfriend is a Vampire Private Detective. What is Bill? Vampire Lazy! Get a Vampire Job and a Vampire Haircut, you Vampire Hippie! So, Tara’s Vampire Boyfriend, has brought her to the Vampire King’s mansion and is doing her hair and fighting with the Gay Vampire, when Bill and the Vampire King and Loretta all walk in with blood all over their faces. Tara is like “Bill!” and Bill is like “Yuck.” Tara asks Bill to help her and Bill says “No.” FINALLY. You know, Tara would be dead by now if people had stopped helping her so much last season. Bill goes upstairs to his room to pout. Franklin (Tara’s boyfriend) tells the Vampire King that Bill is lying to him because he has a file folder about Sookie’s family tree. Huh? Whatever.
Oh look, here’s Eric! Hi, Eric!
Eric explains that he wants to hunt Bill for selling vampire blood, and the King is like, snore, and Bill is like, “Hi, Eric,” and Eric is like, “Whoops.” But so now they are all on the same team against the Queen of Louisiana, kind of, or something. Honestly, I don’t follow Vampire Politics. And I never will.
Meanwhile, Jason is a cop, doing classic cop stuff.
He doesn’t understand why he can’t be out on the streets stopping criminals. Personally, I think it has less to do with the fact that he’s completely unqualified, has absolutely no training, is functionally retarded, and uses cop cars to chase down women he thinks are cute, and more to do with the fact that they live in a small town where the sheriff’s office doesn’t even seem to have Internet, and there isn’t much crime to be stopped. Anyway, he has sex next to a lake.
Sam has given his brother a job, but his brother is still fighting with their trashy family. There is something going on between them that we don’t know about yet! Something that doesn’t matter because this plotline is boring!
And Lafayette has a new boyfriend who is very bad at managing his time.
Tara escapes from her ropes, but then a werewolf chases her down in the front yard, Mr. Burns style.
Franklin is so upset. But not as upset as I am when I see him use his Vampire super-speed to SEXT VERY FAST.
Boo on this whole show always, but especially boo on that part. Anyway, Tara is sick of eating lilies in a bowl, so Franklin offers to make her his vampire bride. Then she won’t ever have to eat lilies ever again! Ugh, can you imagine? Tara for all eternity? With that insufferable self-confidence that vampires have? “I vant to be ze vorst!”
MEANWHILE, Sookie and the werewolf and pack-leaders. Someone actually says “were-business” and doesn’t break out laughing even a little bit! They meet with the pack leader and Sookie reads his mind and he actually thinks to himself “scared shitless, never show it.” Hahaha. Good mind! She wants Alcide to take her to see the Vampire King (who she still thinks is a Vampire Antiques Dealer, because when you are an ageless vampire king who wants to keep a low profile, you definitely come up with the PERFECT cover story). But she won’t need to go see him, because he is coming to see her. Bill escapes from the mansion after he finds out that the King is planning on DeFriendstering him, and tells Sookie that she has to run, and she is like “run from what?” and the Vampire King and all his werewolves and stuff are like, “Run from THIS, duh!” But then Sookie power-blasts a werewolf in the face, just like she power-blasted Marianne last year. BOOM.
The King is like “neat.” My friend who watched the episode with me asked if Sookie is Captain Planet now. Yes. Yes she is.
P.S. Yes, I know, Eric’s viking flashback. WHAT ABOUT IT?
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We all wish we were this good at sexting:
This part actually killed me with laughter. It was the best part of the episode! I don’t even know what Gabe’s talking about. Franklin is this year’s Jason Stackhouse, because apart from Jason pulling a girl over shirtless, he’s been a total snore this season.
I like how if you watch his hand, he actually just hits like 3 buttons with a shaky AfterEffects filter through on it. They didn’t even have him actually type out a message and then speed it up. Top notch.
wow product placement from 2002 with the Razor there
So in Erick’s Viking flashback, we see that he needs to get revenge or whatevs. I think the revenge is not b/c werewolves killed his family, but b/c he totally got cockblocked!
Also, future Nazis.
And did anyone else find it gross that the same hand he …uh…”used” on the stable girl was then immediately used to lovingly caress his dying mother’s cheek after said cockblocking? No? I’m the only germaphobe here?
I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be gross. It just really freaked me out. Downvote away.
Not sure Vikings were too fussy about germs. Or, you know, even knew what they were at that point in history.
If only everyone could quit tara as easily as Bill:
Can’t wait for season 7, when Sookie gets caught in the eternal war between sexy Leprechauns and the Abominable Snowman… who is also kinda broken, yet sexy.
What kind of mythical creature do you think Jason Stackhouse’s new girlfriend is? I’m hoping for either a mermaid or the tooth fairy.
My money is on tooth fairy.
Speaking as someone who has read all the books (i.e., a person who sucks), you are going to flip when you find out. Whether that flipping is due to shock and laughter or shock and barfing is entirely subjective, obviously.
Is she the Easter Bunny?
The group of friends I watch with have guessed the Easter Bunny, Mermaid, a wood nymph, or Fairy.
She’s obviously a younger (and much sexier) Strega Nona.
Those are awesome guesses but you are going to have to wait to be surprised. Or look on the internet and spoil it. I suggest waiting and being surprised though, surprises are awesome.
As someone who has also read the books, let me just point out that it doesn’t seem to matter what happened in the books at all because the show rarely follows them
Well yeah but if they were going to change something that fundamental, why give her the same name and have her live in Hotshot? I think it’ll be the same.
I just went and looked it up on Wikipedia and: WHAT? Also: WHAT? I’m so confused and…. mostly confused. What a weird fucking series.
This show would be better if the soundtrack was done by Vampire Weekend. Get it? Get it? You get it.
Because it’s a show about vampires and is shown on the weekends. Comedy gold folks.
I’ll give a gold viking crown to the first person who comes up with a gif of Tara getting were-tackled
sadly my trueblood .gif source has failed me on this one.
One gold viking crown, please!
how did she manage to land so neatly onto her back? WITH NOT A GRASS STAIN IN SIGHT?!
Thank you–brilliant! All the upvotes.
Was this a CGI dog or did they just smear peanut butter all over the stuntwoman’s ass?
I read somewhere (Vulture blog, maybe?) that they actually used real wolves.
Proposal for when this season of True Blood wraps up: Start recapping Six Feet Under. Or maybe just the Claire story lines. Claire in art school rivals Tara as the worst thing ever. Sweet Jesus. I just watched the series for a second time, and ugh. Terrible. TERRIBLE.
Russell the creepy boyfriend (that was his name, right? Russell?) who was balding at 18 and grew his hair to his shoulders to compensate? “Wacky” misadventures in bisexuality with Mena Suvari? Poetry slams? I remember it as comedy bronze, at least, is how I remember it.
Gabe – Please don’t forget to cover the True Blood panel at ComiCon on Friday.
From the True-Blood fansite:
5:15PM – The True Blood panel will be in Ballroom 20. Confirmed to attend are Anna Paquin, Stephen Moyer, Alan Ball, Charlaine Harris, Deborah Ann Woll, Sam Trammell, Nelsan Ellis, Kristin Bauer, Joe Manganiello and Denis O’Hare. Alexander Skarsgard is in Hawaii filming Battleship, but is trying to rework his schedule to come back to the mainland for the panel. We recommend getting to the room no later than 1PM if you want to get a good seat by the time the panel begins.
Since Tara isn’t confirmed, maybe you can convice Alan Ball & Charlaine Harris to kill her character off this season.
I will be at Comic Con, but I will not go to there.
Ummm, Battleship? As in “You sunk my”?
Yes! He and Our Boyfriend Tim Riggins are in it, therefore it is a must-see. Or maybe a must-avoid because of not wanting our image of Tim Riggins to be ruined. Dilemmas!
Peter Berg’s directing. We don’t really have a choice.
You have to get to the room FOUR HOURS before the panel starts?
Inceredible – all my desire to attend SDCC just evaporated. Just like that.
True Blood got an Emmy nomination for Best Drama and Friday Night Lights didn’t.
OH MY GOD I LOVE YOUR AVATAR!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I want to downvote this news, but I know it’s not your fault. You’re just the messenger. :/
Must EVERY SINGLE character on this show have their own completely ridiculous storyline? I need to charts, graphs, and Venn diagrams just to keep up with this damn show.
To make matters worse the Vampire story line has become a giant hot mess. Did we really need to know that the Darth Sidious (spoiler: The famous antique dealer) killed Eric’s family? I’m not sure I have ever witnessed a single episode of a TV show where the storyline was more overly written than this episode.
I’ve just entered a new stage in my life. I lost my free HBO last week. So, going foward I won’t actually be watching the show, only reading Gabe’s recaps. I’m very excited to have his “interpretation” of the plot instead of the actual plot.
Here. We. Go.
Ummm, Battleship? As in “You sunk my”?
Tara doesn’t want to be a vampire and experience all the vampire sexy-time?
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=1z6t4xx&s=3&hid=17&tag=true+blood
This girl knows what I’m talking about.
This one does not…
I quit True Blood long ago…
But I’ll never quite you, True Blood Recaps.
vampire king stay the vampire king.
Wait what happened? I got distracted by a $1000 giveaway.
When cry-baby Franklin cried, he had real saliva, not vampire-blood-saliva like would make sense ’cause they cry vampire-blood-tears and all their vampire-fluids are replaced with vampire-blood-fluids.
Is it wrong that this blatant inconsistency is what sent me over the edge last night?
I’ve been grossing myself out wondering what other vampire bodily secretions are blood.
I did that reading the books after the description of someone swallowing after a blow job. As they cry blood in the books, too, my imagination immediately went, ‘oh double ewwww’.
You’ve got to at least give the show credit for not succumbing to a “sexy” scene of Tara’s boyfriend raping her. Well, yet. I’m sure it’s in the cards.
Can you say Stockholme Syndrome, p.s. Trueblood will always steep too low.