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One time, Mel Gibson had had hate sex with a prostitute in the back of a Lamborghini while Mario Andretti drove it around the track at 170 miles per hour, but the birthday card from his grandmother still had a teddy bear on the front, holding a bundle of balloons. Inside she had inscribed a short note to her favorite grandson, wishing him all the best on his special day. Mel set down his morning vodka, and gingerly placed the card on the mantlepiece between a box of hollow round ammunition and a photograph of himself jerking off. It was too late to call Australia, and his nana was too hard of hearing to use the phone anyway. So Mel Gibson decided that he would write her a thank you note. Wouldn’t that be nice!
“Consuela!” he shouted.
Mel Gibson had a few women who worked for him around the house, none of whom were named Consuela, but all of whom he called Consuela. What a pice of shit he was! The women took turns who had to answer him when he shouted blindly from wherever he was in the house, and Maria was up. When she found Mel Gibson, he was, as usual, completely naked. “Where’s my office?” he asked. Maria explained how to get there. It was a room he had only been in twice since buying the mansion in 1998 with some of his Ransom money. He sat down at the desk and tried to find a pen and paper, but there wasn’t one within his immediate line of sight. Again, he shouted for Consuela. When Gloria arrived, she explained that there was plenty of paper and pens in the desk drawers, which, she explained, was normal when organizing a desk. Mel Gibson shrieked at her for 45 minutes and then made her open the drawers for him. Then he kicked her out of the room and began to write.
Dear Lying Cunt Whore Cunt Nana,
Fuck you for the birthday card. I’m going to hit you in the face and chop your head off and bury it in the ground before the jacuzzi. You used to love me but I don’t have any friends AHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR CUNT. You should blow me. You should blow me first, and then send me a birthday card, because I deserve it. Cunt fuck cunt bitch whore.
I hope you are getting raped right this second.
Love,
Mel
P.S. The Holocaust is a myth.
He smiled to himself, drank a fifth of vodka, burned his house to the ground, punched himself in the face, told a three-year-old child that it was a piece of shit faggot, and then asked–well, let’s be honest, not asked exactly, more like scream-demanded–Consuela to mail the card for him. Just a normal birthday card from a grandson to a grandma. Off it goes into the mail!
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Consuela needs to learn to DO HER FUCKING JOB!
“Dammit, Nana, if you wear that housedress with those knee highs you deserve to get raped by a bunch of elderly gentlemen at the retirement home!”
actually the card looked like this
and said let’s put another year on the barbie inside
wait for it…..
wait for it….
he’s still got it.
“PLAGIARIST THANK YOU NOTE WRITER” – Mike Tyson
You Can Make It Up: DS3M Writes a Thank You Note to Steve Winwood
DS3M wrote a short polite thank you note to Steve Winwood for all the laughs they have shared over the years. The note indicated that only a complete no-life would get really angry and obsess over some anonymous internet commentator’s internet comedy e-hijinks in blog post commentator forums. The note was signed, “Mr. Fun Cool Guy Who Knows How to Seize the Day and Enjoy Life to its Fullest.”
The End
He’ll only send the note after you blow him. Come on, Steve. You know he fucking deserves it.
If I blow him then he will “come on steve” get it?
i guess jacking off on to someone is a sort of victory. (i’m sorry… so… so sorry.)
Whoa. I read that quickly and said to myself, “Allen Toussaint is a fucking doctor?” Read more carefully Senator, you’ve still got a long day ahead of you.
My prediction is that this dance move will look much stupider when I do it, but that will not prevent me from trying.
Exhibit A on why we should never allow gay marriage.
Dogs and Cats!? Living together!? MASS HYSTERIA!!!!!!
So, here I am, reading videogum and listening to the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, and Chuck Berry’s “You Never Can Tell” comes on at the precise second I scroll down to this avatar.
Suffice it to say that I can’t look away.
Er, GIF. Not avatar.
Gabe, it’s not fan fiction if it actually happened.
This is what it’s all about. Bravo, Gabe!
Mel Gibson finds himself still using the grating, overly-polite language he was forced to use in his childhood parochial school when he talks to his grandma. He can’t help it. He is normally much more casual among his contemporaries, but for some reason his grandma just brings out the little boy in him.
“fuck that douche”
- Mel Gibson’s granny
Grandma Gibson will be played by Spencer Pratt.
And Mel Gibson, since he will (should!) be in jail, will be played by Summers Eve. I hear Eve’s quite the method actor…
Mel Gibson is so weird.
In Australia, they call grandmothers “cunt shit bitch whores”.
I think you mean “cunt shit bitch on the barbies”.
I CAN TELL YOU A TRUE STORY: I saw “The Patriot” in a movie theater in NYC with my roommates at the time, and some woman’s cell phone started ringing during it. Instead of turning off the ringer or quickly picking it up and whispering that she was at the movies and couldn’t talk, she picked it up and began having a long, loud conversation. A man from the back of the theater yelled, “STICK A DICK IN IT!” This made everyone laugh, and the woman instantly stopped her conversation.
I now know that this man was probably Mel Gibson.
“I like screaming about blowjobs.” – Mel Gibson, 1956-2012
I have said a lot of things to people who talk in theaters. That stops today. From now on, it’s just “Stick a dick in it!” and nothing else.
Mark your calendars. The STICK A DICK IN IT Generation starts TODAY.
I accidentally downvoted you when I met to upvote you. I’ll show myself out.
Do you know that he spit onto the envelope to seal it, instead of licking it? That bastard.
Seriously guys look at that picture pf his Nana with that shit-eating grin. Obviously a bitch.
I also saw the way the other nursing home residents looked at him. They would blow him in a second.
Lamborghinis don’t have back seats, Gabe, DUH! I thought BUZZMEDIA Entertainment paid you the big bucks and you had like a Lamborghini Diablo named Cody.
Dear Nana,
Your grandson is the worst.
Love,
Everyone
Gabe, are you sure you’re not going to give Mel an idea for his own line of birthday and thank-you cards?
“I hope you are getting raped right this second.”
~ Mel Gibson, The Mel Gibson
“My Grammy never gave gifts, she was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.”
~Woody Allen, The Anti-Mel Gibson
You know what? The hell with it. It’s a good day anyway. It’s Friday, oil is (at least temporarily) not flowing into the Gulf of Mexico, some modest financial reform was passed to regulate the scumballs that caused the last economic crisis, Christopher Nolan is waiting to blow everyone’s minds…
Mel Gibson, you and your stupid stupid tapes can stick a dick in it.
I like the cut your your jib.
I realize you didn’t have to write much for us to get the joke, but I could have read the full-length novel version of this story. The maids are my favorite part.
And then he said “sugartits” for no reason. Because he likes sugar and tits.