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Angelo is sitting with Tamesha out in Lemon Square but he’s clearly not sitting close enough, so he moves over and sits closer. Closer. That’s better. He’s giving her some kind of insane pep talk about, like, the Olympics but also The Secret? Sure. Top Chef is exactly like the Olympics except that there are no medals, no glory, the people competing are hardly the best in the world, and no one cares. Otherwise: exactly the same. He also interviews about how he is sexually attracted to her because she reminds him of himself, which makes A LOT of sense. “Do you ever wish you could just make love to your own face and butt?” That’s what Angelo is like out there in Lemon Square. “Sometimes I dream of dressing Tamesha up in an Angelo costume and kissing her EVERYWHERE.” Gross, Angelo. Incidentally, the preview for next week suggests that Angelo starts helping Tamesha and Stephen in the kitchen to make them better, which is a pretty brilliant strategy since we all know Tamesha and Stephen are crap (especially Stephen, sorry Stephen) and if he can squeak them through to the finals he will then demolish them. What an evil, well-groomed genius! Something tells me, though, that The Beast (Kenny, although stop it with calling yourself the beast all the time, Kenny) will not allow this.
Anyway, the Quickfire Challenge: Maryland Blue Crabs! Maryland is close to Washington DC, and as we all know, the President is elected by the elecrabtoral crabllege. So. Guest judge Patrick O’Connell (who you may recognize from CREEPY UNCLE CAMP) tells the contestants to “make them.” Good. Yes. Make them.
“I’ve had crabs, so this just brings back painful memories,” Angelo interviews. Ugh. “I got them from myself, actually. Have you ever made love to yourself too much? And then you have crabs?” Meanwhile, Kevin interviews that he was “on the bottom last night” (POW BOOM TWSS) and that he has “no plan at all being on the bottom today” (ZAP TWSS DING DONG). Anyway, no offense to Maryland, but your blue crabs are the worst. They hurt your hands to open and there is basically no meat inside. Cool. Cool crabs. Maryland Cool Crabs. Tim, who is from Maryland, is very much being Professor Crabs over here.
Also, Kelly does not even MAKE a dish? But they never mention it? TOP CHEF SCANDAL REVEALED!
Creepy Uncle does not like Andrea’s warm crab salad with citrus gastrique and mexican red chiles, or Amanda’s crab salad with sauterne, ginger, and juniper gelee, or Kevin’s blue crab chowder with potato, celery, espelette oil, and frozen bacon crumble (looks like someone is on the bottom again is what Gabe said). Creepy Uncle DOES like Angelo’s blue crab broth infused with lemongrass and ginger, Kenny’s trio of crab, and Ed’s jumbo lump crab with Thai basil, mango, and cucumber salad. Ed wins. He has immunity. Poor Stephen.
For the Elimination Challenge, they will prepare (at least) six dishes “family style” to feed 40 chefs at one uncomfortably long table out in a field somewhere. What is it with this season and constantly cooking in some field? Sure, a challenge in a field makes sense, but EVERY challenge in a field? The twist is that everyone is on the same team (although doesn’t that basically mean no one is on a team?) and they will not know what kind of ingredients or cooking supplies will be available until they get out there. That is certainly tricky. Oh, but they will also have a “mobile pantry from the back of one of your Toyota Siennas.” Haha. Padma seriously announces that as if it’s a real thing. “Oh, yes, sure, a mobile pantry in the back of one of their Toyota Siennas. Of course.” What? Also, when they finally DO get out to the field, it is clear that they didn’t pack the mobile pantry themselves, so it’s not like they got to choose as a team what went into the mobile pantry. The point that I am trying to make is that even the mobile pantry was still a collection of surprise ingredients, so let’s just relax with the poorly written contextual advertising. You might as well just say “you won’t know what ingredients or cooking supplies you will have available until you get to the location, also there will be a Toyota Sienna parked out there.”
Back at the house, they try go come up with a game plan, and by try to come up with a game plan, I of course mean watch Kenny and Angelo yell at each other. Angelo explains that it is time to step up and be a leader. Sure. Except that I am pretty sure being a leader doesn’t just entail yelling at the guy that you clearly have a crush on. “I was really inspired by how Angelo dismissed everything that Kenny said out of hand because he has some kind of weird homoerotic competition going on with him, and also how he ignored everyone else and it was like they were the only two people in the room. It was also really reassuring to have SOMEONE in the group willing to step up to the plate and daydream about putting a mask of their own face on Kenny’s face and making love to that mask for hours.”
Stephen tries to say something and everyone’s just like, “Shut up, Stephen.”
Poor Stephen. They get out to the field and it is definitely a field. There is a mad dash to get ingredients, but everyone is on the same team, so they make compromises. Eventually, everyone basically has what they need and they start cooking. There is some kind of Turnip Drama going on with Tim and Kelly about who gets the beets and who gets the turnips, and Kelly explains that Tim is using ALL the vegetables available, but later when Kevin’s entire dish falls into the cow pasture, he goes over to the table and gets a bunch of broccoli from a massive pile of vegetables so I don’t even know what is going on. Alex explains that he just likes cooking outdoors, as if that’s really a thing? You barbecue outdoors, and that’s about it. He’s like “what better place could you ask for to cook than this field in the middle of nowhere?” Uh, I don’t know, a kitchen? Yes. A kitchen. Definitely a kitchen.
Angelo says that he makes love to his duck. “Do you ever see a delicious piece of duck and for a second you see your own face on that duck and that gives you an idea of what to do to that duck?”
The 40 guest “chefs” arrive, but no one ever says anything to or about any of them and they don’t talk at all. Cool. Cool chefs.
It definitely was important to bring 40 of them to this fucking field and lie to us about it. Also, it’s apparently freezing?
Just the perfect day for a meal in a field for no reason. Good challenge. Nice time.
Back at judges’ table, the judges liked Kevin’s broccoli couscous scented with lemon zest, Kenny’s hot and sour curried eggplant with peppers and carrot tops, Andrea’s garlic and five spice-rubbed grilled pork loin with shallot-apple balsamic jus, and Kelly’s five spice-roasted apples and roasted beets. Ultimately, Kenny wins, and says something about being the beast in the kitchen. Relax, Kenny. Besides, this guy is The Beast in the Kitchen:
(Boo! Get off the recap!)
Personally, I think Kevin should have gotten the win for having to make an impromptu dish at the last minute. But also I don’t care. No one does. The judges hated Amanda’s country vegetable minestrone in smoked tomato broth, Tim’s roasted turnips and asparagus with honey, and Stephen’s farm salad with balsamic onion, egg, apple, cabernet vinaigrette and garlic dressing. OH, STEPHEN!
They hate Amanda’s dish because it wasn’t a minestrone and also was unevenly cooked. Tom gives her a quick cooking lesson: “when we cook, why do we cut vegetables uniformly?” Whoa. Tom is literally taking her to cooking school. “So they cook evenly,” she says. “So then why didn’t you cut your vegetables uniformly?” Amanda makes a classic Amanda face:
And also:
But in the end it is Tim who leaves. Aww. Goodbye, Tim!
He goes back into the stew room and tells everyone to remember to season their food. Good advice, Tim. It is weird that you are leaving, with advice like that. Also, how come he’s leaving but I still mostly just feel bad for Stephen?
Live to suffer another day, Stephen.
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How about the one chef who was ready to put Kevin’s dirty couscous back in the bowl and serve it? I wish I could remember who that was because I will not at their restaurant as I do not enjoy food that has been on the ground.
that was angelo. Obviously that couscous looked enough like Angelo that he figured it was worth trying to save.
It was Angelo, of course. He gives good advice because he wants to help everyone.
Ah, you guys are right! Thanks. Angelo is the worst. I forgot (just like I forgot to include the word “eat” in my comment) because I am still distraught over the lack of Gail Simmons last night.
She’ll be back next week, in all her Gailish glory!
I hate it when Gail’s not there! I need to know what dishes she wants to spread on her lover.
I’m gonna have to disagree… if you thought that that was the only veg whats-his-face had for his couscous wanting to salvage the usable part is completely understandable…it was uncooked cauliflower as long as you only scoop up the part that didn’t touch the ground, wash it off if people are having conniptions, it’s clean
I don’t want to eat any food you ever make.
Wait, making lose to someone who’s wearing a mask of your own face is considered weird now?!
“Making ‘lose’?! Did you not mean making ‘love’?! I have a lot to say about this.”
“Making ‘lose’?! Did you not mean making ‘love’?! I have a lot to say about this.”
- Sigmund Freud.
I made lose to myself while watching the Icy Spicy Leoncie video.
Patrick O’Connell was do disturbing.
“You know what’s better than Maryland crab cakes? Human meat Po-Boys! Ha ha ha ha!” – Patrick O’Connell
he calls the dish “poor boys.”
Has anyone been watching “Work of Art”?
Yep. Usually a couple of commenters will talk about it in the Top Chef thread.
SPEAKING OF WHICH
Why did Miles build a womb?
Miles just wants to live in something that reminds him of how at one point (the point at which he was a fetus) he used to be able to just sleep all day. That or hobo-stuff, he also likes hobo stuff.
Also, as much as Eric was totally self-fulfilling his own prophesies last night, he had some valid points about Miles. Namely, he seems completely annoying.
Yeah. If Miles had curled up and slept in that thing, they totally would have won. But how many times can you sleep in one of your ‘art’ installations before you’re called a one-trick pony and embarrassed out of the ‘art’ world. I think maybe five or six times.
I really thought Eric couldn’t be more of a dick, until he was leaving. Who could be mean to Peregrine?
Also, I am going to marry Peregrine. She will be wearing her rabbit outfit.
Oh man, watching Eric was like watching insecurity personified. The man is like a giant open wound – he is painful to look at.
Mary Velasquez (the king of photoshop guy) tweeted some pretty great stuff all during last night’s episode about how insufferable and fake Miles and Jaclyn were during the whole competition, and he suggested a pretty good Work O Fart Drinking Game: “Drink whenever Jackie is wearing unnecessary protective gear.” (Also, Not-much-of-a-spoiler alert: the bitterness of his (drunk?) tweets clearly tells me Bravo didn’t dub Mark “The Next Great Artist”)
Oops, meant “Mark,” not Mary
Drink whenever Miles takes a nap
This is happening next week.
Yup. That’s my girlfriend.
the best.
Right. Maybe Miles is an adorable sleepy little hobo with OCD, but at least he seemed to be able to work in a team and comopromise. Erik just really seemed to personify “three severe brain traumas really catch up with you on reality television”.
And/or the producers and editors needed to find a way to kick someone off of a collaborative group challenge.
I am in love with Miles and Nicole! Like, I love them as a couple. Can you marry a couple? And can they have their own spin-off? I know Bravo usually shies away from spin-offs, but maybe they’ll make an exception just this once.
I’m just now watching last week’s episode, and I love Erik’s “My girlfriend has seen me fall on my face time and time again, including the time I LITERALLY FELL OFF A MOTORCYCLE ONTO MY FACE.” These artists are so clever with their metaphors/not at all metaphors.
Work of Art is the best. Sarah Jessica Parker really outdid herself doing whatever she did in relation to that show.
I wondered aloud if Eric had been a team player and supported Miles’ Lame Couch Facing the Oblivion of Freedom, but still quietly seething, would he have been sent home?
Yes, because Miles’ art ALWAYS “works” for the judges.
I was really rooting for Eric at the beginning. But then it turned out that his art was really immature and that he was a complete douche. At the end when Peregrine and Miles go to shake his hand and he denies Peregrine, you can tell that Miles is genuinely disgusted and that Peregrine is genuinely sad.
As for Miles, I don’t care how fake he is because he’s one of the few people on the show who have made compelling pieces of artwork, a very difficult thing to do in the short amount of time they are given. And he doesn’t completely fit the the annoying hipster mold; he mentioned that he worked at a hardware store and you can tell he actually knows how to build stuff. If anyone is an annoying, narcissistic art school type it is definitely Mark.
Sorry not Mark, whoever dresses up in black women’s jeans and paints himself all the time, whoever that guy is=hipster douchbaggery.
Ryan. He’s pretty awful, but I don’t think I hate him.
Miles might be putting on a show, but I like his stuff so who gives a shit.
I’m pulling for Peregrine(obvs) and Abdi.
this.
I mean, it looked like there was an incredible amount of math and knowledge that went into building that “stare at the ghosts of the WTC beeswax love seat”.
And poor Erik hasn’t been to art school, just severe head injury school; so it would be really funny and sad when he finds out that he’s [being edited to] sound like the most arty self-obsessed art student of them all.
I bet gabe could work magic with work of art recaps…
Angelo: “I basically made love to this duck.”
Hey Angelo, you already served crabs to the judges in the Quickfire.
Keep fucking that duck!
I wanna meet that duck.
When he served the duck he should have said, ‘don’t be surprised if the duck tastes sort of like my penis, because I fucked it with a little garlic. All right, enjoy! Enjoy my penis flavored duck!
I think Tim and Kelly shoulda used TomatoBank!
I loved how whenever Ed kept dissing his old partner, Alex (the bald guy), the camera would just show Alex silently looking sad.
Patrick O’Connell = this guy
Family Guy wiki = Ke$ha.
I think you’re missing the point here. Patrick O’Connell is a creepy ginger in an outlandish plaid blazer that looks like he would try to sell you some illegal carpet.
I used to think ‘Top Chef’ was a classier version of ‘Hell’s Kitchen.’ This episode convinced me otherwise.
I’m sorry, but Top Chef doesn’t give me shouting induced headaches.
technically “The F Word” is a classier version of Hell’s Kitchen
I was so annoyed they didn’t talk to any of the DC chefs! I spotted two I recognized in the crowd, but it was so pointless to have these people there and not ask them how they felt about the food… when in the first episode they got a food reaction from ONE OF THOSE JERKS WHO WAS ON THE BACHELOR. Total food authority, that guy.
“The Beast in the kitchen”= LOL of the day.
Who is Alex? I seriously haven’t noticed him on any other episode of the show so far…really beginning to wonder if they’ve just started sneaking new contestants on every week to see if anyone notices.
Alex is the bald creeper guy who keeps making inappropriate references that make me feel uncomfortable. ie: “”I wanna eat the ass outta this pig all day” SHIVER.
Ohhh okay. I got confused due to Angelo’s duck humping comments this week and automatically filed all meat-rape-related quotes under his name. This is why I’m not a contestant on Top Necrobestiality Reference Secretary.
When asked to respond to Gabe’s criticism, Maryland Blue Crabs released this statement:
I enjoy seafood and all, but did anyone else find the Maryland Crab Quickfire Massacre particularly hard to watch?
Is that why Kelly didn’t make a dish?
A combination of Iron Chef and working in a Chinese restaurant has completely desensitized me to that sort of thing. I’m sure I couldn’t watch mammals killed like that, but shellfish just tastes best right after it’s killed. If you want to make a good crab dish, you’re gonna have to murder a crab.
Aw! I’m sorry, little guy! Didn’t mean to upset you! Here, I’ve prepared you a nice warm bath to calm you down…just relax…here, have some sherry…
Yeah…cooking them alive doesn’t bother me as much because I’m used to my mom boiling live lobsters a lot, but when they slice them in half with a butcher knife and their little claws are still flailing around…that was kinda tough for me.