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Let’s get right to it because last night’s episode was a real bear of a show, and I don’t mean bear in the sense of a beautiful wonder of nature grabbing fish right out of a crystal clear stream to bring home to its cubs. I mean bear in the sense of a big, hairy thing that you have trouble wrapping your arms around. (NO ORSO!) Because Padma and Tom have both proven to the world that their genitals work, the Quickfire Challenge this week is all about making high-end nonsense baby food. Fair enough. At least they didn’t try to tie it in to this season’s location. “As you know, the United States Senate is full of babies, so we want you to make a dish that appeals to BOTH SIDES OF THE CRIB.” You know what I mean. About how this show is. The challenge makes Lynne panic because she has never had a baby, and she doesn’t know what babies like. Aww. To be fair to yourself, Lynne, you don’t seem to have that great a handle on what adults like, either! The rest of the chefs try to out good-mom/good-dad each other by explaining that they have kids, and that makes them experts on how to make a dish that can be served to adults and then shoveled into a blender and served to babies. Right. Sure. Normal way to feed a baby for sure. Kenny explains that the mother of his daughter died when the baby was only 16 months old, because the producers mistakenly believed that we needed another reason to love Kenny. Oh, and this is a high stakes Quickfire. They don’t call DC the Vegas of the East for nothing. Tom and Padma will each pick a winner who will get $10,000. Arnold interviews that if he got the money he would give it to orphanages in Thailand that work with kids who are HIV positive. Wait, what? I mean, that is very nice of you Arnold, but where did that come from? No one else talks about their favorite charity that they are under no obligation to discuss or give money to. Why does everyone on this season bust out the craziest pieces of information at the randomest times? “The challenge this week is to make a deconstructed wedding cake, which reminds me of how I watched my mother drown.” Anyway:
Unsurprisingly enough, a room full of crybabies is not that bad at cooking for crybabies.
The losing baby foods are Timothy’s sauteed lamb with mushrooms, shallots, and ginger, which weirdly enough, Tom says was fine as a baby food but disappointing as adult food. You know how babies can’t get enough lamb and shallots and ginger. (As someone who does not own any babies, I suppose I might not have any idea what I am talking about. Maybe babies really do love lamb and shallots and ginger so much. Maybe that’s why they’re always crying, because they don’t have any of it.) Also losing: Alex’s duck with spinach, basil and mushroom. Duck! What kind of babies are we talking about here? These guys?
These guys are huge duck heads.
Padma didn’t like Kevin’s pan-seared duck with baby carrots or Kelly’s roast pork loin with grilled peaches and ginger. Kelly’s baby food had a lemon seed in it. Yikes. That is like dropping your home ec egg baby on the ground the day you get it. You’ve got to take care of that home ec egg baby for a whole week, Kelly!
The best baby foods are Lynne’s chicken with sweet potato and fruit compote. Wait, how can her dish be good, she only knows what good dog food tastes like!!! Kenny’s curried chicken, mango salad, and confit of butternut squash & shiitake mushrooms, Angelo’s poached tuna with fenugreek broth, tomatoes, soy sauce, and honey, whatever all of that even MEANS and Tamesha’s salmon with vegetable chowder & lobster stock, thai basil & licorice oil. Kenny and Tamesha win! Tamesha interviews that she knows she is supposed to be here because she is definitely capable of doing really good things. Look, Tamesha, congratulations on winning, and enjoy the $10,000. But you won a challenge in which you had to create a dish that could be run through a blender and fed to a baby with a brain the size of a walnut. Relax. Hush. Kenny, of course, says nothing. Like how a boss says nothing.
So, the Elimination Challenge. It is so convoluted and intense that it makes my head spin the way that this show makes Stephen’s head look like this:
The chefs are paired off in teams of two, and they need to cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the Hilton hotel. It has to be easy to prepare but sophisticated. The two winning teams from breakfast will be safe and don’t have to make lunch or dinner. The two winning teams from lunch will be safe and don’t have to make dinner. And then the losing team from dinner will go home. Two chefs! BYE AND ALSO BYE! This is very intense. And mildly confusing. Also, there are a billion guest judges, including Bryan Voltaggio, and Mike Isabella from last season. No offense, but some offense, Mike Isabella looks like he can stop buying himself celebratory cupcakes now.
Oh, and Spike “Helen Madden” Mendelsohn. And if his constant Mr. Cool Hats are not annoying enough, look at the name of his restaurant:
“All my life I have dreamed of opening my own little crappy pun-based joke of a garbage restaurant.” We, The Pizza. Oof. That is terrible! Spike! Your hat is too tight! Loosen your hat, Spike!
Anyway, let’s just crush through this, because seriously, way too much is going on. The judges hate almost all of the breakfasts. Which is weird. And lame. Breakfast is delicious. And all of the breakfasts look really good. What’s the matter with these judges? Also, the two winning teams (Amanda & Stephen, Tim & Tiffany) are such garbage teams. I’m actually kind of convinced that the judges picked them because they didn’t want to have to eat any more of their food. “Wait, you mean we would be eating lunch and dinner cooked by these clowns? WHAT A DELICIOUS BREAKFAST CRAB CAKE!”
On to lunch! No time to dawdle on this ridiculous and convoluted and terrible challenge! Everyone is pissed that the garbage teams beat them in the breakfast challenge. Understandable! Anyway, Angelo & Tamesah (beef carpaccio with jicama) and Alex & Ed (sea scallops with broccoli gnudi) win lunch. Kelly explains that it doesn’t feel good to feel like you are in the bottom of this challenge. Uh, it doesn’t feel that way, Kelly, it IS that way. You are in the bottom of this challenge. Trust your instincts! Arnold explains that he wants to win this because he’s been on a streak now by winning “two and a half to three challenges in a row.” You lost the Quickfire Challenge THAT morning. Do you know how rows work, Arnold? Anyway, now that they are all forced to cook dinner, Kenny says that you can cut the intensity with a knife. I’m not sure that’s how intensity works, but I guess it is very thick intensity? Lynne is being very cavalier about her fresh pasta. Professor Fresh Pasta over there. “Cooking fresh pasta 12 minutes before service, no way.” Classic Top Chef plot development telegraph: THIS JUST IN STOP LYNNE’S PASTA WILL BE UNDERCOOKED STOP. Arnold is trying to teach her a lesson by pretending like he’s not freaking out. Sure, Arnold. Good lesson. Teams Kenny & Kevin and Andrea & Kelly are both making short ribs. UH OH. This guy knows what is about to happen:
Andrea & Kelly win. Their braised beef short rib with polenta, shiitake mushrooms and citrus cremolata will appear on Hilton menus, continuing the grand tradition of a chain hotel restaurant serving mediocre food conceived and prepared under less than ideal conditions. This means teams Kenny & Kevin and Arnold & Lynne are up for elimination. Could this be one of those dramatic eliminations in which a top competitor is taken out before his time? Or will Arnold and Lynne just go home obviously because neither of them is really strong enough to last much longer in the competition even if they did somehow squeak this one out? Right. The latter. I mean, come on. Arnold does not like how Lynne threw him under the bus at judges’ table. Wait, when did she throw you under the bus? When she said that the pasta she cooked was under-cooked and you said you thought it was cooked perfectly? Maybe you threw yourself under the bus, Arnold. DESTINATION: LIARSVILLE. Lynne explains that she made the mistake of letting a younger chef take control. Eh, I don’t know. You made a few mistakes, Lynne, let’s be honest. She had hoped that this show would bring out the old bull that she used to be. Yikes. I’m sorry it didn’t, for her sake, but I’m also kind of glad it didn’t, for our sakes, you know?
Goodbye Arnold and Lynne! You were both kind of insufferable in your ways, but I had finally started to remember what your names were. Oh well.
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It’s weird that we’re getting all of these Hilton promos and challenges, but they won’t mention that that’s where Reagan got shot. I mean, that’s good branding. You are LIVING HISTORY.
I’ve been thinking that, with Reagan’s would-be assassin scheduled to get out of loony jail soon, they should set him up with his own pub in the Hilton Washington, and call it Hinckley’s. Because sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.
“Today, chefs, your challenge is to create a dish that would totally impress Jodi Foster.”
Their next challenge will involve jelly beans, vanilla ice cream and chunks of the Berlin wall. (credit goes to Colbert for the ingredients)
But they did mention that his favourite foods were macaroni and cheese and jelly beans.
What about the fact that the team that came in fifth place (5th!) won a trip to Italy and Spain? Can someone please explain that logic to me? You sucked at making breakfast and lunch but at least you were better than the worst two teams at making dinner.. Here are free trips to Europe!
Yeah, I was confused as to why they were winners if they sucked the first two parts of the challenge. I guess breakfast is supposed to be easier than dinner? This whole challenge left me in a state of “Huh?”
I think they didn’t plan on anyone in the dinner challenge having the best meal. That was coincidental.
This challenge looked a lot better on paper, I think.
Well, send me to Europe, folks, cuz I just made y’all some TV dinners! YAY
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Good recap, but I’m waiting for notsewfast’s opinion on the quickfire.
It was pretty good, but I think I could have done better… I’m quite the flavored mush connoisseur.
Those knives are a little too close to that baby and I hope that isn’t a working stove! Plus that pot is really tall and looks like it could tip over at any minute!!!!
Can’t you tell I’m a mom? UGH
Under Spike’s hat is a rat that gives him bad pun restaurant names: “Psst! How about one called The Plot Chickens?”
I really want there to be a murder mystery dining cabaret establishment called The Plot Chickens. I would probably go every day.
Once I’m done getting the backing fot my Murder Mystery Yankee Candle Outlet Cabaret establishment called “Means, Votive, Opportunity” this will be the next thing I do.
The Supreme Food Court
My Country ‘Tis of Thai
The Legislative Brunch
Four Scones and Seven Years Ago
Liberty and Yogurt for All
The Separation of Chard and Steak
E Pluribus YumYum
I can’t wait for him to open a breakfast joint called Statutory Crepe.
“I’ll have the crepe-crepe.”
My theory is that Spike is trying to piggyback on the vampire craze*, but, you know, poorly, as he does everything poorly, because he is an ass.
*Remember, Sookie, puns used to be the highest form of humor.
“We, the Pizza” is such a terrible name. (Sidenote: Its not even OPEN yet). If that place is half as overrated as his burger place…. it will be very overrated.
If you think this was bad, you should have seen last night’s Work of Art. The challenge: make a work of art based on a car ride in an Audi. WHAT?
Also, Miles needs to get smacked right in his droopy eyes. GET SOME SLEEP YOU HACK.
YES! oh my gosh i saw that was their challenge and was like double huh? Im mildly offended cause i go to art school.
“I love how light and fast the audi is” random female contestant
Because that is the way people talk about cars at all times, she was definitely not told that by producers.
The things is, this one:
worked much better after being chopped up in a blender for babies.
I feel like this should be sticking out of a garbage can in a Manhattan advertising agency (automotive sales division), and nearby someone placing all their belongings in a card board box.
Ryan’s “Work of Art” was so bad. My high school had a yearly celebration of amateur art where students brought there parents and grandparents to the school which had been transformed into an art gallery for the night. Only certain pieces were chosen by the art teachers and deemed “Arts Alive” worthy. These few selections hung on the school lockers where grandma could proudly say “my grandson painted that.” Ryan and Jamie Lynn’s work would not have even made the Arts Alive cut.
Padma definitely dipped into China’s wardrobe. Why was she wearing a scab on her shirt?
So much product placement last night, and a lot less jizz than last week’s episode. Again, Miles SLEPT and the judges loved it.
Jerry the judge definitely wants to have sex with Miles. Or at least fantasizes about curling up next to him while he naps.
Surprised you didn’t mention Alex saying he would spend the $10,000 dollars on “an 8-ball and a hooker,” especially considering this is the same guy who said last week that he would “eat the ass out of that pig all day.”
Woah, I missed that one. How is this guy still single? He seems like a catch!
Wait a second. Alex also said “I practice making baby, but not making baby food.” Can we walk about that?
THE WORST.
Spike’s hat is exactly like the hat that I wear to work everyday, except with a different colored hat band. My defense is that I walk to work in the South and the sun is really hot on my fragile, little head.
Also, everyone makes fun of me–a man stopped his LaBaron in the road today and shouted at me.
What I’m saying is, “I’m sorry, but I am just TOO fresh not to wear it.”
Oops, that’s your lawyer.
LaBaron upvotes!
Hats are great, but he’s indoors and sitting down to eat. Spkie needs some etiquette slapped into him.
Agreed! Hats are NOT indoor wear, especially at the table.
For The Record: I do not wear my hat indoors. I promptly take it off upon entering a building, toss it nonchalantly at the coat-tree like James Bond and then pick it up off of the floor with some difficulty because of joint pain.
Can you tell that to all of the dopes in WI! GAH! I hate baseball caps!
Mike Isabella =
Also, I was FREAKING OUT that Kenny would go home. That was a close one!
As viewers we truly are metal-bikini’d Princess Leah to Isabella’s Jabba.
WHAAAAAT?
For the pizza, buy the pizza.
I love the picture of Colicchio at the top with the baby food. It reinforces the whole Giant Toddler look he’s got going.
IT WAS NOT ALWAYS THIS WAY:
Awwww, look at adorable, hairful Tom Colicchio!
He can get it.
Also, Tamesha was hilarious in the weird interstitial. What an awesome nerd! And … Angelo is in love!
I know it’s kind of a rule that Tom is always awesome, but twice during this episode he said things that left me shaking my head. First, he praised Tamesha’s use of licorice oil in the baby food challenge. First of all, no one likes licorice and second of all, babies especially don’t like licorice.
Then, he seemed shocked, SHOCKED that someone said 45 minutes wasn’t enough time to cook a “bag of beans.” I do not want to eat beans at Tom’s house. Tom would be all “Here’s your beans!” and I would be all “Um, these beans are still hard.”
In defense of Spike, he owns a burger place in DC that’s damn good, and we’re all super excited about his pizza place.
However, I can’t defend the douchey hats.
Cremolata? Is that a creamy gremolata?
Ohhhh… it’s a sherbet thing. I hadn’t heard of it! Interesting to me.