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Last week, I found myself at the precipice of an enormous crossroads. We were at the start of a long holiday weekend, and the new Twilight movie had just come out in theaters. The question, of course, was whether to cover this movie for the Videogum Movie Club, or whether to enjoy the long holiday weekend like an adult. In the end, I chose the latter. My weekend was filled with bills and responsibility. Let’s face it: the world does not need another grumpy anti-Twilight rant from some grumpy old man for whom Twilight was never intended. Considering that there was literally no way for this movie to surprise or delight me, and considering that this movie was already a huge success that did everything it is supposed to do for the audience for whom it was made, what would be the point of me wasting my and everyone else’s time “not getting it” like some “stupid grandlampa”? It is not as if I am confused why a thing that is targeted at 12-year-old girls does not appeal to me. I get it. It’s not supposed to. And so I propose that we say goodbye to this whole Twilight thing. At least for now. Forget it, Jake, it’s 12-Year-Old Girl Town, etc. Perhaps we can revisit the Twilight franchise together, as a family, when it reaches its thrilling conclusion in 2012, or whenever. But making fun of Twilight at this point seems like shooting a global teenage phenomenon in a barrel.
That being said, feel free to talk about your FAVORITE MOVIE EVER THAT YOU SAW FOUR TIMES OVER THE WEEKEND UNTIL YOUR MOM SAID THERE WAS NO WAY YOU WERE GOING TO SEE IT AGAIN BECAUSE FIVE TIMES WAS TOO MANY TIMES AND THE GOOD LORD KNEW SHE WAS NOT GOING TO DRIVE YOU TO THE MALL AGAIN BUT SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING EVER AND YOU HATE HER AND GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM in the comments of this post. TEAM COMMENTS.
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i’m glad i made it through this without seeing any of these movies.
Gabe is old, apparently.
Side note: I’m actually going to watch this movie with my fiancee and her sister tonight. I negotiated the ability to sneak in liquor and drink while watching it because I will be shocked if it’s not at least tolerable while drinking. I have not seen either of the other two movies, am I in for a shock?
Oh oh! I’ve taken liquor to the other Twilight movies, and it is GREAT! Just be prepared for lots of glares from 13 year old girls.
Drinking game: drink whenever anything ridiculous happens. You’ll love it.
If by “love it” you mean “die of alcohol poisoning.”
we actually wrote up the rules to a drinking game seconds before the movie started and it was a terrible idea. one of us pissed our pants. (not me.)
We wrote up rules too. But then we got drunk and it just morphed into whenever anything ridiculous happens. It’s really the only rule you need.
I’m glad that normal people need liquor to sit through two hours of a terrible Hollywood interpretation of an infinitely more terrible Mormon wet dream. It makes me feel justified in hating growing up in Utah, which by the way, is really living with a couple million Stephanie Meyers! My life is Twilight?
Not only can liquor help you sit through terrible movies, it can potentially give you psychic powers to make the movie even more tolerable. I took a bottle of rum with me to Spiderman 3 and at one point, for no special reason besides drunk boredom, I left the movie to go say hi to the people working in the lobby (I worked there, so I knew everyone, but I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse). After a while I returned and watched some more fighting.
What’s significant about my departure? What’s potentially psychic about it? I left right before the whole Emo-Spiderman dance scene, and came back pretty much right afterwards. To this day I haven’t seen that part.
team van helsing (pissing is pants)
This summer,
one man will discover
that sometimes
when you are all out of options
pissing IS pants.
well this kid owned my dumb comment all over the damn place
Team Whiskey!
We all know how you spend YOUR weekend.
We have a decent idea how you spent yours as well.
And yours, sir.
Chris, I’m happy you were able to enjoy a 4th of July picnic:
I love your shoes Chris!
These comments, for a few brief moments, made me forget this is a miserable-Tuesday-after-long-weekend-in-armpit-weather. Thanks, monsters!
Real talk: you don’t know how funny that is to me because my brother is a gym rat and dresses exactly like that.
I spent the weekend enjoying a Buffy marathon!! I WIN!!
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Dust collector, Buffy was a good show. I watched it with dedication in the 1990s.
Caustic and wrong!
Meanwhile, comment trolls get tons of action?
i’m no troll….i’m sorry monstahs
Let me explain to you why Buffy was a good show: it was funny, it had a kind of dark edge to it, dark humor; Sarah Michelle Gellar was pretty (still is, frankly despite all the many years since her hey day) and she would run around in a short skirt punching and hitting demons, she would get punched around too but she was tough and could withstand it. All in all, it was a good show to watch.
I really like that you start with the serious, strong reasons to like Buffy, and then end with, but spend the most time on, the superficial. That approach fits you.
Oh almost forgot Charisma Carpenter was also quite lovely and I enjoyed watching her acting on the show as well
I did the exact same thing with my boyfriend, except it was the first time either of us have seen the show. I defiantly felt like we made the right choice this weekend.
Needs more Alice & Jasper. And I used my supreme willpower to see this movie only once, and not four times over the weekend. Growing up is fun!
I do hope this doesn’t mean the end of Twilight news in the Videogum Teen Korner, because that’s one of my favorite things on the internet.
Seconded! We are adults here.
Though I will say that the folks at Summit Entertainment do a remarkable job of making Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone, two rather attractive people, look absolutely horrible.
and giving him the worse mumbly fake-teeth Southern accent
His accent I was okay with, because it seemed self-aware & hokey. Like he just did it to make Alice hot. Dr. Cullen’s sort of Marblehead MA accent, suddenly imposed after 2 films however, was really inexplicable. HILARIOUS, don’t get me wrong, but a most unusual acting choice.
“My character has an accent now.”- P. Facinelli
I too managed to only see it once. I was extremely surprised to find the theater only half full and eerily enough, the majority of the people in the theater were over 25 and a most were male. I was kind of creeped out wondering if I had stumbled upon an unsuccessful pedo screening.
unsuccessful? I think maybe not
My problem with the Twilight franchise is that I DON’T think it does what it’s supposed to, since it is poisoning the minds of our children. My best friend’s little sister thinks it’s oh-so-romantic for Edward to break into Bella’s room at night and watch her sleep before he’s even spoken to her. AAAAAAAAAAAH!
And, yet, I still read/watch. So I am the worst. But also, TEAM JACOB! I don’t care how many vampire babies he falls in love with, humans are better off mating with other living humans. That is all.
I agree. I think Bella and Edward are in an abusive relationship. They should really take a step back and evaluate their situation. Plus, Bella is a huge C U Next Tuesday!
And, I also admit that I have read all the books and seen the movies. However, let me make it clear that I only did it as a trade with my friend. I made her watch Lost, and I had to read Twilight.
Ok, so now you all know my deep dark secret, you can punch me in the face now.
if you watch New Moon up to that holdin-hands-outside-the-movie scene, where Jacob’s all “I would never do to you what he did to you”–at that point, Jacob presumably doesn’t believe his tribal vampire legends and thus the logical explanation is that he thinks Edward actually abused her. It would explain all her actions. Once I started watching New Moon as a movie about an intervention that went wrong, it got better…
And if you view it that way, Kristen Stewart becomes a genius at playing former crack addict Bella Swan, desperately battling an abusive relationship that gets the better of her in the end
I think you may have unraveled what was, up until now, the most guarded literary secret in history. Enjoy your execution by a monastic book cult!
if I never go to Hot Topic again I’ll be safe
I regret that I haven’t seen the new twilight movie yet.
My only regret is that I have boneitis.
Um………
Someone has to carry the torch.
I hear K-Stew is very pretty. Your thoughts?
Agreed STRONGLY! I like her.
Saw this last night. (Am I the only one here who’s actually seen it? If so, j/k, I didn’t see it, this is for jokes.)
SPOILER
It’s cheesy and ridiculous.
END SPOILER
Edward looks like he’s in miserable pain the whole time. Jacob never has his shirt on. Bella is constantly screaming STOP FIGHTING OVER ME BOYS PSYCHE J/K I LOVE IT.
There’s a scene where, in order to distract the bad vampires from Bella’s delicious delicious scent, they have Jacob carry her for miles–shirtless, natch–to a safe campsite (???) where the bad vampires can naturally never find her until of course they do.
THEN there’s the scene where she’s freezing to death at the campsite (again, ???) and in order to save her life, shirtless Jacob has to crawl next to her while she sleeps because werewolves generate a ton of body heat so it keeps her alive.
Oh, and then later she kisses Jacob because she loves Jacob but Edward doesn’t worry because he knows she loves Edward more. Don’t get me wrong, he looks miserable as he says it, but that’s because he’s always looking miserable.
That actually sounds like some good twilight action. I hope that is for real what the movie is like
I like to go see Twilight at the midnight showing at my hometown, because it seems like no one else at the theatre really likes it, either, so they all yell things at the screen and curse out Edward.
You live in Werewolf town.
Forget it Jake, it’s Werewolf town.
forget what?
You talking to me?
One review rather aptly pointed out that when Jacob has to carry her around (TO DISGUISE HER SCENT AFTER IT LEADS TO THE CLEARING OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE NEWBORNS) Bella becomes so literally a stand-in for the audience that she can no longer even stand on her own power. Feminism, etc.
I saw it. It was extremely ridiculous. I DID however find myself enjoying it at points which made it infinitely better than the first two (where I couldn’t convince my drink to stay in my nose). Incase anybody cares, SPOILERS AHOY!
So, is it just me, or is it kind of awesome that vampires are made out of ice/moon rocks/diamonds/T1000 material?
I thought the dialogue was pretty good (graded on a curve against the other two movies). These cardboard cutouts that play the main characters were better cutouts than normal, is what I’m trying to say, I guess? The only audible barfing sounds my partner and I made were at the part where Mr. Vampire gave his abstinence speech. Bristol Palin must have been the on-set consultant for the head “most hollow sounding propaganda possible” editor.
I wanted the tent scene to last forever. Major, major laffs.
I also didn’t really get the stakes (no pun-o, and btw duh – wooden stakes are only used for setting up tents… the only way to kill a vampire is to separate their frozen, liquid-metal bodies, and then set them on fire) of the end battle. If the werewolves were so necessary to winning against this army of vampire babies, why were no regular vampires hurt? Regular vampires are not as strong as vampire babies, duh, and werewolves are great at killing baby vampires – in theory – in practice the fuzzy guys kept on losing to the vampire fetuses. Couldn’t the civil war trained vampires have easily loaded their KKK muskets and fended off the “urban” infant ice/metal draculas?
Spoiler alert sort of but the Twilight books/movies have utterly no stakes (heh) whatsoever and no one ever gets hurt for any reason. Which incidentally is reason number #2465 that Harry Potter is better.
And the literally made of rock thing seems like an over-interpretation of the source material (Don’t get up I’ll show myself out) but I did kind of like it when SPOILER Bryce Dallas Howard’s heads gets cracked the fuck off.
Also, vampires are so flammable that Edward can just throw his Zippo at her? Why didn’t Jasper (Twilight’s new resident badass?) just flamethrower everyone?
Also, why is Edward carrying a lighter? I mean, how convenient is that?
Harry Potter is great, but I don’t support the orphaning of Teddy Lupin.
The fight scenes were kinda cool and the part where Bella’s dad tries to give her The Talk was funny. He’s great.
Everything else, though: LOL
saw it… became Team Charlie for all the great lines he had and the fact that really he’s the only non crazy one in this thing
laughed at the fact the the line “I’m hotter than you” actually fucking came out of Jacob’s mouth (temp wise but still…also disgusted when team jacob clapped)
and was laughing to the point of tears during the whole fight scene with people’s heads exploding even to the silence at the end where I felt the hatred and glares of the hundred or so fans in the theatre that were thinking “hey now this is *seriousbiznesstown*” (also seconded that the vampires are extremely flammable now?)
I was surprised that the movie was actually more painful to sit through and badly written than the book…
…also lawl-able Jasper’s recockulous southern accent, at least they’ve improved his hair a bit
i think that i killed enough brain cells with beer, liquor, and sulfur inhalation over the past three that maybe i will understand twilight now. yay?
case in point: the last three days. days. over the past three days. i am officially dumb now.
HA HA HA HA HA
I’m pretty sure this guy feels the same way I do: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PF2CdkM2lM
This is your mom.
She means well, it’s just Edward makes her feel like a woman again.
Team Sadness
All I have to say about my weekend is strawberry rhubarb pie.
Strawberry Rhubarb is the best. If I could, I would give you one million up votes.
Hey guys! I got through the weekend without having to take my brother to see “Twilight.” I told him to see it when he gets home and to take a chick he wants to bang. (I’ll show myself to jail now.)
A true story: I went to a dinner party on Friday night at my boss’s house where my boss and I (a middle aged woman with teenage daughters, and a 31 year old woman respectively), tried to explain to our colleagues that there is a practical reason why Jacob and his fellow wolves have to walk around without shirts (i.e., body temperature, ripping clothes during shape shifting). We also had to explain how the presence of vampires on Quileute land actually evoked the wolf response, which had been dormant for decades. I was the only person at the table without a Ph.D. or a law degree.
Grown ups!
No, you know what I saw this weekend because it was like, 100 degrees and I needed air conditioning and it’s July? Get him to the Greek. The worst. Just a pathetic effort on the part of everyone involved- an ugly movie that had no grasp on humanity (at first, with Elizabeth Moss’ character I thought it was women who they just didn’t get, but nobody made sense in that movie) that made my bad weekend (got dumped! yay) exponentially worse. There was nothing redeeming about that movie, made by adults for adults, and it almost makes me wish that I had seen eclipse instead because while I wouldn’t have understood it (who is that girl, why can’t she just pick a boy and be happy for a bit, I mean, they’re twelve, what’s the hurry with all the marriage stuff?) it probably at least would have given me some sort of honest depiction of a kind of human emotion.
Sorry to hear about your bad weekend, meesh, hope things pick up for you soon.
and with that, it suddenly has. Thanks Mufasa.
Eclipse might make you feel better you’re not a relationship and don’t act like those people
My favorite line in Eclipse was Jacob’s: “You can love two people at the same time. I’ve seen it.” But also can someone explain to me why Dr. Cullen now has a British accent? Huh?
Regarding that line from Jacob, I would guess that it is because Mormons
Yeah. Mormons maybe. Or porn.
I was thinking threesome, but HOLY SHIT Steve Winwood, you are opening up so many layers on this thing!
I spent my weekend at my parents’ house, helping to clear out the garage. I found a folder full of GCSE art coursework, and thought it would be a good time to look at it.
NOT A GOOD TIME. Every freaking project had at least one page dedicated to “Lord of the Rings” – the worst being sketches for a “Lord of the Rings” storyteller doll. Legolas was the large figure (because OMG swoooooon) and Boromir, Gandalf, Aragorn and hobbits were dotted all over his anatomy. Little Frodo looking up adoringly from Legolas’ foot is particularly scary.
In short: “Lord of the Rings” was my “Twilight”, at least in intensity, so I cannot judge these poor little girls who are so excited by it.
Ahaha. In the spirit of this newfound generosity I apparently have for “Twilight” fans, perhaps I ought to change my avatar.
If you like Lord of the rings, did you see the youtube of the guy doing Gandalf voice with the Fresh Prince of Bel air opening theme song lyrics? It’s rad
LikeD. LIKED.
…Oh, who am I kidding. Link, please?
Got it. It’s amazing – I honestly never realised how hammy Ian McKellen is before seeing that.
So fricking great. Thanks Steve.
OMG OMG OMG!?!?!?! ONLY 499 DAYS UNTIL BREAKING DAWN!!!!!! I’m gonna have a tough time sleeping until then because I’m so excited!!!1
gabe, this makes me really angry. i was counting on your recap because i got too drunk waiting in line, blacked out a couple of times during the movie, and made at least seven bathroom trips. now i’m just going to have to see it in the theater AGAIN, probs imax.
http://www.gifsoup.com/view/827087/bella-jacob-kiss-and-punch.html
Posted without commentary.
I liked this part.
That’s RAD!
Thanks. I need a werttrew tutorial on gif posting.
That’s the part in the book where I stopped being on Team Jacob AND Team Charlie.
…not that I read the book or anything.
It was like watching a two-hour Sarah Palin speech.
“I found myself at the precipice of an enormous crossroads.” I found myself at the threshold of an LOL tsunami reading this intro.
TEAM JASPER
She’s pretty.
Well Toy Story and those Harry Potter books weren’t marketed towards me either but I enjoyed them thoroughly because they are actually GOOD and not TERRIBLE. Who says something generally geered toward younger people still can’t be enjoyed by all for what it is because what it is is really good? I say the creators of Twilight are still negligible.
Negligible or negligent?
I knew I was in trouble at the very beginning, when Riley is running through the rain. Apparently he gets the vampire bite of doom on his hand and falls to his knees soundlessly screaming. I honestly thought it was a papercut. Like maybe a big papercut, but nothing you couldn’t put a bandaid on. I couldn’t stop laughing.
It was definitely more funny bad than sucky bad, but I went with friends who didn’t take it seriously and laughed with me,
Let’s face it: the world does not need another grumpy anti-Twilight rant from some grumpy old man for whom Twilight was never intended.
– This is why I bailed out on Pizza Hut and checking out on what’s up with Topher Grace in Predators, as I just knew that my friends would be doing that sort of thing all night.
I’m clearly not here to keep those friends.