Photos
Yesterday, the Internet was abuzz (classic Internet way to be) about a news story in which a young woman robbed a New York store with a gun while wearing a cat mask. Sure. The perfect crime. The reason that everyone was so excited, though, was not so much the thrill of a well-executed crime, but the New York Police Department’s artist rendering of the suspect:
Haha. That is a funny artist rendering! Today, FINALLY, we have grainy, blurry, impossible to see surveillance camera footage (via TheAwl) of the perfect crime as it is being perfectly conducted:
Whatever. Posting this video is literally just my cover story (short con!) so that my boss doesn’t get mad (“This isn’t catcrimegum!”) so that I can repost my favorite crime blotter story of all time. I have posted this story before, and I will continue to repost this story whenever I see an opportunity.
From the Michigan Daily:
Lightbulbs stolen by 11-year-old
The Department of Public Safety received a call on Friday stating that an 11-year-old child stole a light bulb from the Argus I building on West William Street, DPS reports indicate.
The caller said the boy, after removing the bulb from its socket, left the building and threw the bulb on the ground. When the bulb broke, the caller said the boy screamed “I am the cat and I am here to steal.”
Reports do not indicate whether the boy was apprehended.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to smash a lightbulb on the ground and scream “I am the cat and I am here to steal.”
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I wonder what that pussy is like?
Boo.
Boo-urns!
I was saying Boo-urns (yesterday)
Yay!
I am the wwwest and I am here to steal Soft Gabe’s joke. Dill with it!
I’ll give you odds that she likes to eat shrimp.
Wouldn’t it be the Pppppppppppuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrfect crime?
I bet the papers really MILKed this story.
I don’t get it, she wasn’t wearing a cow mask.
cats like to drink milk
I’d hit it.
With catnip!
And like that- *smash*… he’s gone.
I signed up and created a profile well over a year ago just in the hopes that Gabe would one day repost this crime story and I could upvote it. meeeeeee-yow.
Enhance:
This story will probably aggrevate Steve Winwood, as the mask prevents him from being able to decide whether she is pretty or not.
Was the Michigan story about you, Gabe? Is that why you keep reposting it?
Oh, riiiiiight, they didn’t have lightbulbs back when you were an 11 year old child. My bad.
I said it last time you posted that story, and I shall say it again — that’s my favorite news story of all time too. I remember reading it in ye olde michigan daily and thinking I’d never in all my days read anything as great again. THANKS 4 DA MEMORIEZ!!!
Coincidentally, I was robbed this morning by a fellow in a wolf mask. He was a real jerk, but then he told me I was pretty, so it was a bittersweet experience. The police created this composite sketch:
Holy crap! I think it was that same guy followed me around for a while one day, randomly insulting me and making offensive and idiotic statements. After each insult and idiotic statement, he would scream “Psyche! Just kiddin’!”
I think he was homeless.
I’d like a composite sketch of Winwood wearing a cat mask.
wish=command
It’s like a reverse onion metaphor.
#peergynt
How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/111/312986147_317e6fe28d.jpg?v=0
OOps–fail
Is this the mask she was wearing? Because I hear they have a whole army.
The police found the note: I can has $$$$$$$$$$$$$$? #rejectedtonightshowjokes
.At about 11:32am, on Saturday, June 26, 2010, officers from Area E-13 (Jamaica Plain) responded to a radio call to investigate a report of a person urinating on people in the area of South and Child Streets.
On arrival, officers located the victim who stated that she was walking along South Street when she observed a white male urinating in the area of a bus stop. Taken aback, the victim yelled, “Are you kidding me?” Upon hearing the question, the urinator, who had his back to the victim, proceeded to turn around in order to face the complainant. However, in doing so, the suspect urinated on the victim’s leg and foot.
While attempting to talk to the suspect, officers noted that he appeared to be under the influence of alcohol.
“Appeared”.
As in, “There APPEAR to be a lot of vuvuzelas at the World Cup.”
She’s pretty.
Agreed.
I’m guessing it was Sean Young what did it.
She’s probably still mad she lost that role to the other actress, the one from Grease 2.
Michelle 5fer?
Read this like it’s set to “The House of the Rising Sun”
If you can describe ANYTHING as a boner ghost, this is it, ladies and gentlemen. THIS IS IT.
I thought a boner ghost looked like a naked man with a towel over his head.
Only if that towel is a dick towel.
Patrick, where did you find that picture of Justin Bieber in a cat mask?
Carmen Sandiego is really going for small-time heists now, eh?