Photos
Harry Knowles, one of the worst writers on Earth, has reviewed Twilight: Eclipse, a movie about a teenage girl caught in a love triangle with a dog and a 600 year old corpse. The result is hilarious. Meanwhile, oil continues to pour out of a hole in the ocean.
 |
 |
Harry Knowles looks like what would happen if a troll fucked Lisa Lampanelli and she aborted the fetus, and then said fetus grew a beard and put on some glasses and started blogging about movies. – joke yelled at Lisa Lampanelli at the next comedy central roast in August
I’m not sure you understand how abortion works/why are you so obsessed with abortion today?
Whats a gagortion?
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
@”Steve Winwood”, gross.
@Steve. I’ve always been very pro you, kid, and mostly find the hostility toward you unfair. But this is the second thread I’ve seen with the abortion jokes. I’ll restrain myself from name calling.
Adults read these threads. Many adults who’ve dealt with abortion. The idea of the pain you can cause with these remarks will be hard for you to absorb, you being clearly locked in the sniggering ignorance of a retarded adolescence. But please try and I can return to rooting for you. Of course, failing that, go fuck yourself.
That is not totally off the mark.
Personally I would have said if a leprechaun ate all the other leprechauns and pies, and then wore glasses sized for a leprechaun who had eaten all of just one of these two categories of items, because that is the biggest they make glasses.
You’re both wrong. He’s fat Rocky Dennis.
This guy seems to be in what Freud calls the “phallic” stage, except by “phallic” I mean he’s obsessed with the Twilight dildo.
“Suit yourself, Twilight: Eclipse. I’m telling you right now, you made the rules, but you’re playing with fire here. I’ve got some rules, too, and rule number one is, don’t tease the Harry Knowles.” – Harry Knowles at the Twilight: Eclipse press screening
And, of course, the use of poorly executed metaphors for sexuality to appeal to pre-teen girls remains popular in syndication
Let me guess: He’s really mad about how terrible it is.
Actually he just talks a lot about dildos and bestiality. A LOT. It seems like he actually enjoyed it
Thanks for the warning.
He might be ‘talking’ about her ‘heartbeat stopping,’ but what he really wants is that hymen.
Harry Knowles is definitely on his way to jail.
I think the first step should be to confiscate that keyboard:
“If I ever found myself in that tent in a blowing cold mountain top on what could very well have been the last night of my life? And if I were a Teenage Girl….”
What the fuck is that shit? Dude writes like a teenage girl, a really dumb teenage girl.
That is an insult to dumb teenage girls.
“You know, they’re just so goddamn pretty. Your girlfriend will probably definitely be thinking about a 3 way with you and one of these guys on screen. I’m not just talking about Jacob or Edward. Your girl might have a thing for Jasper, or that Moose looking motherfucker.”
-Harry “Steve Winwood” Knowles
I can’t believe this guy is related to Beyoncé!
Harrongé
This review is just cause for a search warrant, correct?
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
“Enough with the oil, already!”
– all the fish
Woah, i just went to aintitcool dot com and i know the simpsons is supposed to be a fictional cartoon, but I think that website is actually run by comic book guy
The comic book guy doesn’t seem to be a total pervert like this guy.
Well, that was just disgusting.
“And there wasn’t a girl in my theater tonight that wasn’t wondering if the diamond sprinkled vampire skin would be more like the pyrex dildo or the cyberskin one?”
No Harry Knowles. As a former thirteen year old girl, I can assure you they most definitely did NOT wonder that.
My past now feels dirty. Thanks, Harry Knowles.
I saw Harry Knowles at the gym once. Yes, the gym. (Because he’s fat)
“I saw Harry Knowles at the gym once.” – Me
He must have been asking for directions to the nearest Sirloin Stockade because there is no way that man has ever met a piece of fitness equipment (or a vagina.)
He might be ‘talking’ about its ‘ elliptical machine,’ but what he really wants is that hymen.
And Harry Knowles was never seen at a gym again.
It’s true. I haven’t seen him there since.
My appetite was just assassinated from the harry knowles.
well penis, it’s been a good run. but i don’t think i’ll be needing you anymore after reading that.
I wanted to see if this Harry Knowles character works a dildo into every opening he gets (sorry?), so I went to his home page — and I discovered that there is a movie due out called Space Battleship Yamato, based on the science fiction cartoon Star Blazers from when I was a kid.
Instantly, I got so excited about this, my inner 4th-grader started to run in circles yelling, and clearly planned to do so until he threw up.
ACK — Look at that, he just threw up: because Harry managed to review the Yamato trailer by writing, “This movie owns me. I want it like Bella wants Diamond cock. I need it now.”
So, to the initial question about dildos: Yes he does. He works them right in.
My inner 4th-grader is lying on the couch, sick and confused, eating saltines and bouillon.
“He works them right in.” Gross.
“I work that dildo in there. I WORK IT RIGHT IN”
-Harry Knowles, to Paul Dano
APOLOGIES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
APOLOGIES
“That there are actual scenes of Edward driving Bella out in the middle of nowhere, just to hand off to Jacob? Several times.”
That is a paragraph (a paragraph!) written by someone who gets paid to write. Help me out here, Jack.
Harry Knowles continues to be the Perez Hilton of the Internet.
Perez Hilton is the Perez Hilton of the Internet.
I don’t want to sound hyperbolic, but Harry Knowles movie reviews are as bad as the oil spill.* They’re a neverending source of misery in my life. It drives me crazy to know that this barely-literate man child with obvious pedophiliac leanings(and this is not an isolated incident, he was also super fucking creepy in his review of The Runaways, with tha K-Stew and DAKOTA FANNING) makes probably tons of money for this shit. He barely even reviews movies, he just writes about himself, although he does manage to fit plenty of spoilers in. I know I should stop reading them but I just can’t help it.
*Obviously not. But kind of.
I mean, this guy, this fuckin’ guy, who can’t even be bothered to proofread his shit, who doesn’t even know how to form a sentence, he’s a professional writer. I proof my goddamned text messages. There are so many reasons(so. many. reasons.) to hate this guy, but most of all I hate what he represents. This guy IS Idiocracy. Living proof that talent, hard work, et cetera, mean exactly jack shit right now. The guy is in a wheelchair by choice. Fuck this guy.
I don’t like him, is what I’m saying.
Harry Knowles and all the AICN guys mangle the shit out of the English language. It’s so brutal. I understand his whole “everyman/stream of consciousness” thing I guess, but it’s so bad. Get a fucking editor or something.
Drew McWeeny (Moriarty*) was the only saving grace on that site when he was around. Real shocker that he decided AICN wasn’t the place for him.
*I’ve come to suspect that the reason AICN’s contributors use pseudonyms is akin to a filmmaker’s use of “Alan Smithee”.
I’m still waiting for Harry Connick Jr.’s review of Twilight Saga: Eclipse
“I just wanted to say on behalf of my country, I know it was done humorously, but we’ve spent so much time trying to not make werewolves/vampires/teen girls look like buffoons, that when we see something like that, we take it really to heart. I know it was in good fun, and the last thing I want to do is take this movie to a down level—because you know how much I love this show and this country—but I feel like I’m at home here, and if I knew that was going to be part of the movie, I probably—I definitely wouldn’t have reviewed it.”
[IMG]http://i40.tinypic.com/14kilvs.jpg[/IMG]
that is all.
FUCK. how do i do this fancy stuff
just put the URL
its too late now. the moments gone.
This film is about sex.-that guy
imagine my panic and shock when i had almost filled both my shoes, to the brim with barf…looking around wondering what else i can throw up in…
I dunno. Picking on Harry Knowles on Videogum is kinda like the snarky popular kids in junior high making fun of the asthmatic D&D geek during lunch hour. Not that I’m against the right of the asthetically gifted to absolutely shatter the self esteem of those less fortunate – hell, I think it should be an Olympic event – but as someone who gets AARP literature mailed to me on a not irregular basis, engaging in this particular form of social Darwinism is like drinking a can of flat soda. I know some people are into it, but ewww. Fortunately, writing all this crap made me forget what this post was about. Justin Bieber!