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YO POKEMONS, ARE YOU IN THIS LINE? I’M ASSUMING YOU ARE IN THIS LINE. EVERYONE IS HERE. WE HAVE OUR TENTS AND OUR SLEEPING BAGS AND OUR LIP GLOSS AND OUR ZUNES. IF YOU AREN’T IN THIS LINE RIGHT NOW I BET YOUR HEAD IS FALLING OFF LOL BUT IF YOU ARE IN THIS LINE THEN I BET YOUR HEAD IS STILL FALLING OFF LOLOLOL. IT’S SO EXCITING I WANT TO BARF. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT IN JUST A FEW SHORT DAYS (ALTHOUGH I WISH THEY WERE SHORTERRRRRRRR) WE WILL BE WATCHING THE MOVIE ADAPTATION OF A BOOK WE READ? IT’S INSANE. I FEEL INSANE. THIS IS THE CRAZIEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. AND THE BEST. I WISH I COULD MARRY THE WAY THAT I FEEL RIGHT NOW. ANYWAY, IF UR ALREADY IN THIS LINE THEN I SUPPOSE THIS LIST WON’T HELP U VERY MUCH, BUT IF YOU ARE IN YR MOM’S CAR, BEING DRIVEN DOWN 2 THE LINE BY YOUR MOM, THEN YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO STOP AT A WALGREEN’S OR A SAM’S CLUB OR KIM’S HOUSE AND GET A FEW LAST MINUTE SUPPLIES TO PREPARE 4 NEXT WEEK’S TWILIGHT:ECLIPSE PREMIERE. BEING PREPARED IS SUPER COOL AND ALL THE POPULAR KIDS ARE VERY PREPARED. CHECK IT OUT, NEAT DOGS:
IMPORTANT LIST:
1. NECK BANDAGES FOR YOUR HEAD IF IT FALLS OFF TO KEEP IT ON LOLOL (2 PACKS)
2. RAW HAMBURGER MEAT WEREWOLVES LOVE IT (10 LBS)
3. ROBERT PATTINSON VAMPIRE EDWARD TEAM EDWARD SHINY DILDO FOR AT NIGHT
4. ZUNE W/ ALL YOUR FAVE BLACK EYED PEAS SONGS ON IT
5. LIP GLOSS
6. DIARY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS AND DREAMS ABOUT MARRYING TAYLOR LAUTNER’S BODY
7. KRISTEN STEWART DARTBOARD HATE HER
8. DORA THE EXPLORER SLEEPING BAG AND MINI-BACKPACK
9. PICTURES OF YOUR CATS TO SHOW STRANGERS
10. WEDDING RING JUST IN CASE FOR SOME REASON ROBERT PATTINSON OR TAYLOR LAUTNER OR EVEN PETER FACINELLI SHOW UP SO THAT YOU CAN GET MARRIED TO THEM WITHOUT HAVING TO WAIT, YOU NEVER KNOW, OK, THINGS HAPPEN, STUFF HAPPENS
THAT SHOULD JUST ABOUT DO IT. P.S. DO NOT TRY AND CUT ME IN LINE OR I WILL MURDER YOU AND TAKE YOU OFF MY FACEBOOK.
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“CHECK IT OUT, NEAT DOGS:” – my tombstone
Gabe, you’re a little late. I was camping out for last night’s premiere at the Nokia Theater in LA all week. Now I can finally go home and get some rest.
Seamless.
ENHANCE
enhance ….
You forgot doritos, I saw Taylor Lautner eating them once so obviously he loves them and anyone who eats them, now was it cool ranch or nacho cheese
OMG, DON’T EAT THOSE IAN YOU WILL TURN INTO A WEREWOLVE WITH A HOT BOD! JK LOL!
My just-turned-18-year-old brother is coming to NYC for the first time next weekend, and he sends me the following text: “Hey are there any movie theaters up there? Cus the new twilight movie comes out and idk if you wanted to see it” which means “I really want to see it even though I’ll be in NYC for the first time ever.” (Also, LOLOLOL that he’s not sure if we have movie theaters.) Anyways, now I will be prepared. Thanks, Gabe!
VAMPIRES WHO WONT FUCK YOU! #AlternateTwilightTitles
11. A BIG BOX OF ME OVER HERE FOR SNACK TIMES
THINGS HAPPEN, STUFF HAPPENS
<——– Grieving face?
they’re SO married
Wow, I’m sorry, but, BAD PERSON.
And her fucking dog died while she was in line last year.
From the Associated Press:
“Stephanie Tregea, 19, drove 500 miles from Upper Lake, in Northern California, to attend the premiere. She wore a black T-shirt that said “Team Carlisle,” and held a sign that read: “My cat died while I’ve been in line. (Peter, comfort me during this sadness).”
It got her an extended embrace from Facinelli, who plays Cullen patriarch Carlisle.
Tregea said she is concerned about a Twilight jinx, because her dog died as she waited in line for the “New Moon” premiere last year.”
That’s right, Stephanie. It’s a jinx. It has nothing to do with the fact that you didn’t care for your animals for days because you wanna see TAYLOR’S SMOKING HOT BOD OMG!!!
Does anyone else mostly only remember Peter Facinelli at Jennifer Love Hewitt’s asshole football player boyfriend in Can’t Hardly Wait? He looked pretty good with that S&M bondage gear the NERDS put him in.
that’s THAT guy? holy shit. he’s a teen heart throb in 2010?
Mike Dexter! (I like to imagine he cleaned up his act, became an astronaut and married Liz Lemon in her dreams because I am sad.)
THIS is so sad. She is so brave. Look at how she’s holding it together after the tragedy so terrible she had to make a sign for it. And she has Peter to thank for you. I could cry right now, I’m so moved.
It hurts my head when you write in all caps.
That’s because YOUR HEAD IS FALLING OFF HOWMANYLESSONS MORE LIKE HOWMANYDAYSTILLTWILIGHTISOUT AMIRITE NNNNNnnnnnNNNNnnnnNNNNnnnn!
I’VE GOT MY JORTS AND TEVAS ALL PICKED OUT YOU GUYS!
7. KRISTEN STEWART DARTBOARD HATE HER
Hilarious. Jealous girls.
BUT, LIKE, ZOMG IT’S NOT BECAUSE I’M JEALOUS, IT’S TOTES BECUZ SHE’S JUST NOT A GOOD BELLA NOT A GOOD ACTRESS MY HEAD FELLZ OFF.
Sure I mock, but I might marry Peter Facinelli, given the chance. He seems the type to enjoy beer and pool, and as I also enjoy beer and pool, clearly we are compatible.
That is how love works, right?
Something that I think about every so often:
You’ll have to fight Liz Lemon for him (he played [astronaut] Mike Dexter in Can’t Hardly Wait).
Hm. I am not a fighter. I either concede or propose polyamory with Liz Lemon and Peter Facinelli. But I should really stop now before this post turns into disturbing fan fiction.
Mike Dexter is married to Kelly from 90210, so I am sure she would want to be included in the polyamorus relationship.
I also want to barf.
So you can be skinny enough for a vampire to not do it with you?
I’ll never be skinny enough!
*cries real tears*
I just want to make sure eveyone fandangoed their tickets for the Twilight Experience at AMC. Don’t forget! I mean 8+ hours of twilight is not to be missed.
Why must you taunt me?! There is no AMC theater within 40 miles! Woe is me.
11. SILLY BANDZ, LOTS AND LOTS OF SILLY BANDZ
For a moment, I thought you were talking about the soundtrack.
I thought watching these movies would be better to watch alone because you know Kristen Stewart is pretty and maybe some “alone time” would make sense for that type of activity, but actually I think watching these movies in a theater of screaming tween girls would be awesome. There were two moments in the last movie – 1) where the vampire boy is walking in slow motion at the beginning of the movie, the wind blowing his hair and his shirt while some girly indie music plays, and 2) when the werewolf boy takes his shirt off – where I thought I could hear a thousand tween girls screaming, but I was actually alone in my apartment.
That’s super cool yr parents made their basement into a mini apartment for ya Steve!!!
PSYCHE!!!!! Just messin with ya.
I got in trouble at the theater during moment 2), when instead of swooning I burst out laughing until I cried. I am still not sure if the tears were from amusement or the fact that I was in the theater watching Twilight.
Everyone in my theater actually burst out snort-laughing at #2. And someone yelled “Gay!” after the fade to black at the end. So I’d recommend seeing it in the theater after a few weeks.
The really sweet thing to do would be to go to the opening night and scream as loud as they do at the really mundane crap. Like when Sparkles says “the”. He’s always doing that.
I really hope the goblin novel I am working on is going to take off like this these little guys are as sparkly and sexy as any bloodsucker. I want Russell Crowe to play me! And Bieber can be a goblin!!
Working title: Early Afternoon
Alternate title 1: Dusk
Alternate title 2: Crepuscular
Official title: Troll 2
Call it Crepuscular you can work Bunnicula into it! because bunnies!
What about the Goblin King?
let’s go to burger king and harass old people after!
11. STUPID LAMP FOR WHEN IT GETS DARK EEEK SCARY!
27. Hammer to shatter any dreams your parents had for you to contribute to society in a positive way.
So, a question about Twilight. Edward’s like 90 and he goes to high school, right? So is he like CRAZY good at history? When the history teacher talks about the great depression, is Edward like, “yeah, teach, those were some tough times. I remember when me and Ma and Pa and the whole family loaded everything onto our T-Model Ford and drove out to California to try and find work, but there wasn’t any so we had to stay in a Hooverville, and everyone kept calling us ‘Reds’ and ‘Oakies’ and…er…I mean…stickers? Snow Patrol?”
Also, how dumb is this guy that his intellectual stimulation comes from someone one-tenth his age? I mean, I don’t go around having riveting conversations with three-year-old kids. “After a century it turns out that you, teenage girl, are the best of all possible options.”
he has to be stupid, or why else would he STILL be in the 10th [?] grade? does he ALWAYS stay in 10th grade? what principal would let a high school looking kid be in 3rd grade? if he’s just getting around to high school, what took him so long?
It had to be long division that tripped him up. That shit is impossible.
I hate that I know this, but whenever they move towns they start out as young as possible so they can stay there longer before people realize that they’re kind of not aging and have to move again, so they all pretend to be high school students. Why they don’t pretend to have just graduated from high school and therefore not actually have to suffer through that shit all over again is beyond me.
I only know that because of Rifftrax Twilight. I swear.
I WISH I COULD MARRY THE WAY THAT I FEEL RIGHT NOW. is my new answer to everything.
Um Gabe, any real Twilight fan knows to fill their Zune with the Twilight movie soundtrack. NOT Black Eyed Peas.
SO disappointed right now, it’s like you don’t even care. EXCUSE me while I go listen to Paramore on the original first movie soundtrack. Losers.
No, they definitely don’t listen to the Twilight soundtracks. Because I do, and I can’t have that.
Gabe, I can’t believe you left out the Robert Pattinson manllow (half man, half pillow, all DREAMZ!!!11!!):
“Made of soft cotton jersey, screen printed face, polyester stuffing and love.”
Does this mean that Barry Manilow is actually the bastard child of a very tasteful throw pillow?
gabes in line!
photo fail!
“I only see one Gabe. Apostrophe fail!” – Steve Winwood