Photos
In anticipation of the new Twilight movie, Twilight: More Twilight, Burger King has launched an advertising campaign in which people (read: children, and dangerously lonely adults) can express which “team” they are on: Team Edward or Team Jacob. Neat! There is nothing that I love more than combining a hokey, adolescent vampire-werewolf feud based on books written for half-literate virgins with EATING CHEAP HAMBURGERS. The above is a still from one of the new commercials (via NYT). As you can see, those little girls are arguing over who is better: the 300-year-old pervert or the forest creature prone to fits of violent rage. But what is that old man saying/thinking? “My hip!” probably. “Oh no, my hip!”
Winner will receive special placement in this week’s Monsters’ Ball. Team Videogum!
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I think Edward Albee and Jacob Riis are equally good writers
“And then she falls in love with the werewolf because the vampire has gone away to protect her from the other vampires? That’s a WHOPPER!”
The next Twilight movie, Twilight Hot Tub Sex Machine, will be directed by Roman Polanski, who’s brother Steve Polanski is seen here at a casting call.
HA ha! It’s “whose” not “who’s”!
Guess what, Steve? YOU JUST GOT WINWOODED.
I’m going to buy you some His and Her’s towels for your birthday you terrible little girl
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Those towels will be used to wipe up my tears of rage from misused apostrophes. Or should I say “apostrophe’s”?
Use them to wipe your spit off of people’s faces.
So that’s your real last name!
In my day, we weren’t Team Edward or Team Jacob! We were Team White or Team Black and we liked it!
“Team Edward was defeated in the War of Northern Aggression.”
“Who is Edward? Who is Jacob? Are they my sons? Are you my granddaughter? Are you? Can someone please take me home now? I’m scared.”
Serious question: WHAT IS HE HOLDING?? It looks like gauzy pink underpants for a dol.
I think he’s just holding a fry, and that pink thing is light reflecting from the ad in the background?
I think it’s a paper cup for his ketchup, maybe?
whoops, I was looking at the wrong hand
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
It is? That doesn’t sound like her.
“Girls, I am the same ACTUAL age of Edward and you are the same age as Bella. Now how do you like your precious pedophiliac vampire trash?”
“So you kids are really into this Henry Potter show, I see.”
“Do you kids still go nuts for those Nicholas Bros? We used to get a real kick out of seeing them on the tele. Boy could those negroes dance. Wait – what?”
“A Buck Double, in my day it was a Cent Steak and the side came in the form of an onion which was tied to our belt as per the fashion at the time” – this guy.
I’m here. Those onions are hard to put on.
Somewhat off topic, but I don’t know if any of you are watching “OCD Project” on VH1…Well, one of the patients (I can’t think of her name right now, but she likes putting her hair in pig tails) got upset during one of the therapy sessions, and runs to her room to seek comfort in her “Twilight” novel. Maybe its just me, but I found this so hilarious that I almost spit my fresca out!
“Why are you kids making me eat this shit?”
“Hey you girls wanna earn some Whopper’s the weird way?”
AH ha ha ha ha ha ha. i can’t stop laughing at this.
Yeeeeeeeeeeeee.
i really just can’t upvote this enough.
It’s Gabe, not Edward!
Sorry, Gabe. Awesome blog! Great job!
Gabe is startled by some fans of Teen Korner while enjoying his number 1 at Burger King. The result: A number 1. In his pants. Not pictured: Smiling Hugh Jackman
“I thought you kids would have hover boards by now”
“Have any of you seen me on 60 minutes?”
“What’s that?”
I don’t know who Edward and Jacob are, but this food is fucking gross, take me to the Old Country Buffet
You know you can get unlimited refills on any drink you want… and it’s free?
It’s a wonderful restaurant!
hugh hefner’s girlfriends try to explain why the McDonald’s is closed.
alternate entry:
kelsey cullen totally told jess, jen, and kelly that her grandpa’s name was edward. now do you believe her?
alternate entry II:
jess, jen, and kelly distract Ted Pullman with tales of fanciful vampires while kelsey slips the LSD into his drink.
“I have a semi Twi-Hard right now”.
Ladies please! Can’t we settle this over a nice bowl of Werther’s?
“I vant to suck your blood! Right kids?! Vampires! Relevant!”
“If you don’t have anything funny to say, DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL”- Me. From now on.
“You’re grandmother musta been a vampire, ’cause a stake through the heart was the only chance she had of getting wood driven inter her. Anyhoo, that reminds me. You’re all adopted.”
“into her,” I meant.
And with that typo, I’m done for the day.
*swings out window*
Upvotes for your username
Agreed. Glad we have some maritime lawyers among the monsters.
Hope he learns the value of honesty and decides that from now on things are going to be better in this family.
“100 years ago, when I was your age, I played Magic the Gathering and did nothing popular. And we counted our scores with an abacus.”
-Gabe D., pictured in center
“What are you kids doing here at 3:30 in the afternoon?”
School ends at 3:30, gramps.
I meant that old people eat dinner at 3:30…misfire on the setup.
“Now never forget that you will always be my grand-daughters, and I love all you all very much. And I know you are just kids being kids. But seriously, stop buying into that crap and get a life. Shiiiiiiiiieeeeet.”
it’s sheeeeeiiiiiit
Burger King: the source of and solution to all of your body image issues. Dig in!
pizza works better.
this girl knows what i’m talking about:
Consider those things wolfed!
OH MY GOD, did she wolf all of those down??!!!!
I think the question is, did she WEREwolf them?
*crickets*
I’ll stop now.
I missed this picture when the press release came out yesterday, I…
Fuck. You guys? I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
Old Guy:”Being in this commercial makes me wish I had died in Korea like all my other friends who didn’t have to endure watching the culture of the nation the gave it all to defend unfurl into clusterfuck of underage pale people having sex with animals”
Idiot Girl: “I think that makes you team Edward for sure.”
Turns out Edward’s not an eternally youthful vampire, he just has a painting of this guy in his attic.
This is funny and clever, and well-deserving of your username.
Thanks!
“You kids need to talk louder!”- What this guy’s probably actually thinking.
“When I was your age Vampires weren’t little little pussys, they had long flowing hair and they wore velvet capes”
pussies
Eh
Pull my finger.
“Edward, duh.”
“So you kids all like the Harold Potters huh? Gryffledorp forever!”
A friend of mine was telling some folks about the actor who played “Dumbledorf” just yesterday.
One of the ads features a closeted Twilight fan having an awkward moment with her mother. A Burger King executive has already released an incoherent statement condemning the ad with a healthy dose of thinly-veiled hate speech.
*Twilight not pictured*
I wanna be a stupid lamp!
- “Hey, Mr., what team are you? Are you Edward, or are you Jacob?”
- “I bet he’s Jacob. You’re Jacob, aren’t you?”
- “Oh my god, he’s totally not Jacob. He looks so Team Edward. Team Edward! Team Edward!”
- “…My wife just died…”
“You girls are all very pretty.” – Roman Polanski’s younger brother, center.
“Team Dracula”
“i remember when people killed vampires and werewolves, those were the good old days” – old guy
Maybe these girls should be on Team Don’t Walk Up To Random Old Men Eating Alone At Burger King
Yep, I get to eat here for free when my wife’s working. she had to take the job after we lost our savings when the market crashed. But please, go on, tell me about vampires and werewolves.
“Back off, Teen Werepires! My flesh is too old and tough to feast on. Please, please, leave an old senile man alone with his fries.”
Nice grammar, Grandpa.
Grandpa immigrated from eastern Europe. He still has a lot of trouble with idioms, duh, but the occasional possessive vs. contraction gets his goat. Also, he hates commas like he hates affirmative action.
Pictured: The happy winners of our ‘Meet a Twilight Star’ story competition with Fred Wilman, oldest resident of Twilight Retirement Home.
I thought you said Fred Willard, I would see Twilight if Fred Willard was in it
Did you see The Soup this Friday? Fred Willard showed up on set pretending to be a vampire.
Did I ever tell you girls about that time I met Omar from The Wire?
Que Chris Hansen in 5…
Cue Steve Winwood in 5…
After staring blankly at the floor throughout a complex and intellectually nuanced exposition on why Jacob is the better suitor for Bella: “Hey, watch how far I can toss my french fry!”
“I’m cold and there are werewolves after me.”
“Now, Dwight D. Eisenhower vs. Adlai Stevenson…THAT was a fight for the ages, I tells ya!”
“Hey ladies–if I drop my pants, I can show you an Old Moon. Does that do anything for ya?”
This guy knows what I’m talking about:
“I suppose you four granddaughters of mine are wondering why I called you all to Burger King. Well, I want you to go get your dad and mom and bring them here so I can tell them I’m a gay. I heard Burger King’s the ‘hot’ new place to ‘come out’.”
He’s saying,.jpg)
I have a picture of Edward and Jacob in my wallet. If only you could help me get it out.
terrible.
“Now I’m gonna tell it like it is…We’re not all gonna make it outta here alive…Well…that’s a good thing, and it’s a bad thing. Now gather up all the fuckin twilight gear, and let’s get the fuck outta here!”
Tweens prepare to jump an elderly man.
“When I went to school, we walked over vampires and werewolves, in the snow, both ways, up hill!”
“so which one of you young girls is Robert Pattinson?”
I know you young gals couldn’t give two eggs what this old geezer has to say about it, but let me tell ya — I’ve fucked more werewolves than I care to remember and it’s no picnic!
“I wouldn’t care if my granddaughter was Team Edward or Team Jacob. Just as long as she’s not a lesbian. Would any of you girls like a Werther’s?”
“There is nothing that I love more than combining a hokey, adolescent vampire-werewolf feud based on books written for half-literate virgins with EATING CHEAP HAMBURGERS.”
“Gabe seems to need a non-virgin with whom to discuss Proust while EATING CAVIAR BURGERS.”
I would’ve continued the food theme with Pork Chop Sandwiches! but you’re on the right track.
Sponge bath?
“Ok. Now listen, for the last time…this fry here, this is your “Edward” fella. And this dipping sauce, this is your precious “Bella” and…yes, Katelyn? No.. Not REALLY. It’s a metaphor!”
“Ha ha… What team am I on? You can’t be serious… Where’s Chris Matthews hiding? Did my parole office put you up to this? No? Well, I have all your “Torchlight” books in my house along with some delicious peach schnapps. Let’s go there and talk about teen Edmund and teen Jacob”
(this is totally irrelevant to the caption it contest, but it was too perfect and made me make the jump from lurker to poster. hi monsters!)
hello!
Let’s all get busy in a Burger King bathroom.
I’m not going to lie to you kids. I just pooped my pants.
You kids may know my son, he can settle this…
Racetrack Higgins?
‘
‘Oh boo, I vote for a videogum “How to post correctly” seminar. I’m available on weekends.
Ted Pillman meets with his adoring fans at the first ever PillCon, held in an empty Burger King in Luray, Virginia.
Girl one: Tell us what side you’re on, pops.
Girl two: Are you comfortable? Can I get you a soda?
Girl three: Don’t make this hard on us, grandpa. Just tell us what side you’re on, and we can all go home.
Man: DO THEY SERVE MUSTARD PICKLES?
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sorry, too soon?
but the most disturbing side effect of twilight’s near universal popularity were the packs of young girls trolling for “grampires,” men over a hundred years old, and therefore, more likely to be sexy vampires in disguise.