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Remember when Jeremy London was kidnapped and everything about it was insane? Well, holy cow, it is somehow getting SO MUCH WEIRDER! From the HuffingtonPost:
The story Melissa and Jeremy told police is that they had gone out to eat at the Jack-in-the-Box and come out to find a flat tire. Two men helped them change it, and Jeremy offered to give them a ride home. For some reason Melissa felt uncomfortable in the car, and the men allowed Jeremy to drop her at home before taking him on a ride of terror, forcing him to do drugs at gun point.
Jeremy claims that the kidnappers told him, “Hit this! Hit this or I’m gonna kill you!” while holding a gun to his head and forcing him to smoke some sort of drug.
Melissa addressed the doubters, citing a new wave of crime.
“I just hope this never happens to them,” she told. “Police told us this is the new thing to do down here… rob people at gunpoint and make them do drugs so they won’t be reliable witnesses. It’s happening more and more. I can tell you that Jeremy was scared for his life. He’s still scared.”
Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait. So now, Jeremy London AND his wife were kidnapped? But the kidnappers allowed her to go home because she felt uncomfortable (“for some reason”)? Classic kidnapper stuff. The thing about gun-toting criminals who kidnap and force their victims to smoke crack is that they are almost TOO considerate. This story is only suspicious because it’s so airtight that it seems impossible. “Everything you are saying makes sense, and that’s what worries me.”
Oh, and P.S. surprise, ding dong, both Jeremy London and his wife Melissa have SERIOUS DRUG PROBLEMS:
Jeremy and Melissa have a 3-year-old son, Lyrik. They are in the process of divorcing and Jeremy must undergo regular drug testing because of a custody issue, so his story of doing drugs under duress is even more suspect. Both parents have lost custody because of drug use and Melissa’s mother has been raising Lyrik.
Jeremy has also claimed that the kidnappers threatened to go after his son.
“I’m so scared to press charges,” he wrote on his Facebook page last week. “They kept saying they knew where my son lived and they’s (sic) strait (sic) for him first.”
You know, if I was ever kidnapped and forced to smoke crack at gunpoint (LOL every time) and had my tragic story turned into tabloid gossip in the midst of my divorce proceedings, in light of my horrific ordeal and the on-going nightmare of trying to find justice in this world, the moment that my son’s safety and well-being was put at risk is definitely the moment I would UPDATE MY FACEBOOK PAGE. Celebrities. They are just like us.
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Police have released this surveillance photo of the suspects
I get older, my kidnapping victims stay the same age.
If he were truly worried about keeping custody, he wouldn’t have admitted to a family meal at Jack n the Box.
And everybody knows the drug smoking happens BEFORE the trip to JITB, not after. But also after.
So wait, let me get this straight: In the State of California it is legal to wed a manufactured plastic drug monster, reproduce with one, then name that unholy offspring with a random string of letters which vaguely sounds like a word when whistled through your meth mouth but it is still NOT legal to wed someone of the same biological gender?
Pass me that crack pipe. No, its okay, you don’t have to hold the gun to my head. I want to forget the pain on my own. Thanks.
aww wwwest. drugs won’t solve these problems OR make them go away. perhaps you should start holding a gun to OTHER people’s heads: “YOU WILL WEAR THIS EQUALITY BUTTON AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!!!”
Terrorism is the new Pink.
Maybe Amanda Bynes left acting to pursue a new career of kidnapping D-list celebrities and forcing them to do drugs? Because that’s the only way this could make any more sense!
I hope they’s strait high when they’s picked the name Lyrik.
You know, Lyrik. It’s like “lyric” and “Erik” but retarded.
b/c “Lyric” would be an OK name?
…for a Haley Joel Osment character in a Tom Hanks vehicle, sure.
I wonder what Jason has to say about all of this.
If they both would have just signed the contract for the football team saying they refuse to partake in drugs or activities that would in any way jeopardize the years of hard work that [they] as a team have committed to a championship season in ’76, none of this would have happened.
I think I’ll stick with my old dating site for now, thank you very much: http://juggalove.com/
Guys, this is really scary. Criminals are holding people at gun point and making them do things they want to do, but know are bad. I’m afraid they’re going to break into my apartment and force me to eat entire pints of Ben and Jerry’s Peanut Butter Cup ice cream!
A criminal helped me put more coolant in my car when it overheated last week, and then forced me (at gunpoint) to try to new spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A! He thankfully let me stop at home to pee first though.
Writing this made me feel like a chubby lady who owns 12 cats.
I came home last week and found someone out in my front yard cutting my grass. I didn’t recognize the guy so I walked up to him and motioned for him to take out his iPod earbuds… After taking them out he was like, “I love this Neon Indian record. Now get in the fucking car and smoke this fucking crack”. So I did.
It’s cool that Gabe used a picture of Jeremy doing his ventriolquist act with a slutty puppet, but where is a picture of his wife?
Thank you for this. I was wondering why the wife’s picture bothered me so much.
http://www.colesmithey.com/.a/6a00d8341c2b7953ef01157053b0f4970b-250wi
Jeremy London just got his own show on Comedy Central. Congrats!
So what I’ve pulled from these two reports is that the London Clan makes it a common practice to wear prosthetic molds of their faces over their own faces.
This is the first time I’ve been bummed about not being Jeremy London’s Facebook friend. I wish I could’ve read his status updates as this was happening.
Everybody knows Wayne Brady makes you smoke crack at gunpoint when you hang out with him. Come up with something original, Mr. London.
GIVE ME BACK MY DRUGS! I MEAN, SON!
“i just want my kids back.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egyPfO60ePA
I don’t even need to follow that link to know I’m about to see some Thomas Jane!
I really hope they meant to kidnap Jason London.
I got kidnapped once. This homeless guy showed up and helped me push my car out of a snow bank. He asked for money afterwards, so I did one better by taking him to Subway and buying him dinner. Then we went to see Up In the Air at the local movieplex, but he thought George Clooney and Vera Farmiga should have gotten together in the end. I had to do a bunch of crack afterwards to get past the experience.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck — why didn’t this happen seven months ago?”
-Newly unemployed Law & Order writers
Wait, what? What? This story is driving me to think about doing drugs just to even understand it. Fuck you, Jeremy London, and your plastic Stepford wife.
Melissa London got a case the Crazy Eyes.
And a serious case of Shiny Boobs, as well.
I was once forced at gunpoint to smoke crack after giving a guy a ride home, so I totally understand where the London’s are coming from here. I am not joking.
Godsauce, that is awesome! I mean terrifying!
(Really, I am sorry you had to go through something like that.)
It was almost a decade ago and was actually even more surreal and bizarre than it sounds. For years I felt like my brain had been raped, but I think I am a stronger person for the experience. I certainly got a really crazy story out of it.
Definitely. Good for you. The coolest story I have is about being sexually harassed by a plastered Native guy in Utah. So…your story wins.
I would kidnap her too, if only to force her to exfoliate that tan off.
I must not be the only person who keeps thinking of the episode of Six Feet Under that involved David getting carjacked by a guy who was pretending to have car trouble, then being forced to smoke crack with him… I mean, isn’t Jeremy London basically just reciting the plot to episode 4.6 of Six Feet Under? It’s titled “That’s My Dog.”
I registered just to agree with you. This *exactly* like that episode. Now the only way to find out the truth by checking everybody’s netflix queue. By order of the court!
“kidnapping had a half day mother” Buster London
this sounds alot like an episode of Six Feet Under