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As you probably know, BP CEO Tony Hayward is in Washington this week to make the rounds of face-saving but ultimately ineffective apologies. Yesterday, he received a private dressing down from President Barack Obama, after which BP agreed to establish a 20 billion dollar compensation fund for victims of the disaster, as well as agreeing to end dividends to BP shareholders for the rest of the year. Cool? The fact that there was ever even a consideration that BP shareholders would receive dividends makes that part of the agreement kind of feel like someone agreeing not to slap you in the face. “Oh, I didn’t realize THAT WAS EVEN ON THE TABLE.” Speaking of which, did you see that BP’s stock REBOUNDED after yesterday’s compensation agreement? Neat! Congratulations to BP shareholders. You guys are doing great.
Today, Mr. Hayward is meeting with top congressional lawmakers to do whatever it is that foreign CEOs do when they meet with top congressional lawmakers while meanwhile there is a HOLE in the OCEAN that THEY MADE.
Enter House representative Joe Barton (R-TX, OBVS) who today issued an apology. To BP. For the “shakedown.” Ay-ay-ay. “Could you repeat that?” I’d rather not, but OK: House representative Joe Barton apologized to BP for a “shakedown.” Holy shit. You never told me your boyfriend was a congressman!
Son of a fuck. I will be the first to admit that politics are complicated in a way that is beyond me (by design, but still) and I don’t know the ins-and-outs of a 20 billion dollar escrow fund compensation deal because I don’t even know what half the words in that sentence mean. I also know that at a certain point, on say, the 10 gabizillionth barrel of oil that pours like HELL LAVA into the ocean, there is no single well-heeled figurehead from any corporation or government who can make it all disappear and that excoriating Tony Hayward on C-Span doesn’t amount to a hill of oil-stained pelicans in this crazy world. At this point, who gives a shit about Tony Hayward? Or the fact that BP owned the lease on the rig. They clearly can’t seem to fix this, so let’s just find someone who can. Just kidding, no one can, but you see my point.
But to echo the words of representative Joe Barton, I don’t want to live in a country where our elected leaders FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO COMPANIES THAT ARE LITERALLY DESTROYING THE WORLD, LIKE, IN A WAY THAT IS BOTH VISIBLE AND MEASURABLE FOR AGREEING TWO MONTHS AFTER THE FACT THAT THEY SHOULD PROBABLY DO SOMETHING TO CLEAN UP THEIR IMPOSSIBLE MESS. Are you fucking kidding me? I apologize in advance for bringing down the tone of the rhetoric, but Representative Joe Barton can seriously go suck a dick. (Thanks for the tip, Nicole.)
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Your welcome. And thank you.
“You’re”
-Steve Winwood (?-2012)
ughb i know. after i sent it i cringed. Please install a delete/edit button VG!
I’ll see myself out.
BARF.
B.P.’s pretty
-Joe Barton
They cut out the part after the apology where he said, “PSYCHE! Just kidding, fella!”
Way to quote mine, Media Matters.
It’s about time we started apologizing to the worst.
Gabe, I think now you should apologize to Tony Hayward for misspelling his name. Because if anybody needs to be apologized to, it’s that guy!
Oh great. Now I look like an idiot.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slush fund?! Fucking slush fund?!
As if I didn’t have enough insane rage to go around over this.
Have a heart. Millions of snowmen melt away every year.
no no “SLUDGE fund”
Don’t be crude.
Hey, Joe Barton, there’s the door.
Don’t let it hit you in your stupidity on the way out.
Joe Barton got some time on UK nightly news for his comments…
now that’s next level douche-baggery… whatever that is.. shower bag?
I bet he apologizes to the gentleman that the dick belonged to, after aforementioned sucking.
Why are politics too complicated for non-politicians to understand? If Alvin Greene can win a senatorial primary race, any of us monsters could win a local election. At least I take my prescribed medications, and I’ve never sexually harassed anyone. It’s not just a horrible game for power- and money-hungry ego-monsters, RIGHT?!! I mean, Henry Waxman. WAXMAN!
I think am going to have to apologize to Joe Barton. For vomiting on his FACE.
Also, Michele Bachmann said something similar. Which is totes obvious, because they are both clearly the worst, and the worsts need to stick together.
She told BP not to be chumps and called the fund a “redistribution of wealth.” Stay classy, Michele.
In an unrelated note, anyone wanna go halfsies on a condo in Clearwater?
I’ve got 10 bucks in my wallet, so yes.
These guys would like to second Rep. Joe Barton’s comments.
Perhaps his face could apologize to an oily pelican (after the pelican finishes pecking him in the face)?
Sucking a dick is probably the closest thing to a public service that particular public servant is likely to accomplish in office. Call it a hunch.
You missed the worst part: Joe Barton’s top corporate donor is a 25% partner of BP on Deepwater Horizon. http://bit.ly/9UBj2h
I will go back to my poli sci nerd cave now.
oh snap! this is why you were always my favorite geek, bill haverchuck.
What right does he even have apologizing?
Maybe I should apologize to the ocean for living in a country with elected officials as moronic as Joe Barton.
What an oily motherfucker. I say this in all seriousness.
Here’s a video where this cretinous buffoon asks Nobel prize winning Energy Secretary Dr. Steven Chu where oil comes from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pgKepHebKRc
Spolier Alert: Watching this video will make you want to reach through your screen and smack Barton in his grease-stained, supercilious face.
So, there was this comment
http://videogum.com/192172/president-obamas-bp-speech-or-a-deer-showering-a-cat-with-kisses/cute-as-balls/#comment-7506221
on the President’s speech. I’m glad we finally put Joe Barton’s face on that eight-years-older-than-a-spambot body.
Yes, Joe Barton, you should go to jail.
Also, how has this guy been in office for 25 years when he, according to wikipedia, “has actively obstructed implementation of clean air standards, work that has earned him huge pay-offs from companies such as Texas Industries which operated a cement kiln in Midlothian, Texas and burns hazardous waste for fuel with insufficient technology to prevent the resulting air pollution throughout North Texas.”
Based on that excerpt, I think the question is “how has this guy been in office for ONLY 25 years?”
He’s right at home.
We had a rule in law school. Are the facts of this case unbelievable? Does it involve a crazy person? If so, it will be from one of the following jursidictions: Texas or Florida. (And they get to elect judges, too.)
“I’m glad I don’t live in either of those ridiculous places.”
- Alvin Greene, Candidate for U.S. Senate
“I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I would like to apologize to Mr. Polanski. Forcing such an esteemed director to live in a luxury chalet while awaiting extradition is unacceptable.” –Rep. Joe Barton
“I would like to apologize to Adolf Hitler. Invading Normandy amounts to Chicago-style thuggery.” –Rep. Joe Barton’s father.
“I would like to apologize to Perez Hilton. I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private citizen can be put in jail for child pornography, which is the least of your offenses. It leaves a taint in the mouth.” –Rep. Joe Barton’s grandchildren.
children shouldn’t have taints in their mouths, mans. do you want to end up sharing perez’s cell? (i’m sorry)
upvotes forever
upvotes))((upvotes
off topic: Mans, I have a personal question. Can you email me at nakedpainter74@yahoo.com? The sooner the better would be great. Thanks.
Who cares!!! My boyfriend is the same with me! He is eight years older than me, lol
Allow me to play Devil’s Advocate:
“Both of these two guys can seriously go fuck themselves.”
Is that right? That’s how Devil’s Advocate works, isn’t it?
Wait, let me try:
“Joe Barton is a malignant tumor on the state of Texas, and Tony Hayward is a limey fuckwit.”
There, I think that’s how you do it.
They all need to be smacked with a bag of dicks (what does that even MEAN?), obviously, but I’m primarily angry with every bag of dicks (ibid.) that ever chanted ‘drill baby drill.’ In reality we all know the company should be called American Petroleum, and all of those Gulf Coast conservatives really need to spend some serious time staring into a mirror. OK, I’m logging of AirAmericagum now.
off -Steve Winwood
won’t somebody please consider the fact that the prison holding nicolas cage also sank at the beginning of this fiasco?
face/off was a movie that came out in 1997.
“I’m sorry we didn’t bust our asses enough for the sake of your prosperity.”
- Slaves
just another thing to add to my “fuck texas” list. sigh.
Where does ZZ Top rank?
I really like you, southernbitch.
WHAT? NO UPVOTES TO THIS COMMENT?? NO ONE ELSE LIKES ME? srsly though, i’m a-blushing.
also, i don’t mean to hate on texas as a whole. i mean, every state has positive and negative qualities. except south carolina. i remain fast in my studious dislike of south carolina. i mean, has anyone here ever been to south of the border?? it’s like 50 times worse than gatlinburg tennessee and that is impressive! as for texas, texas has tasty burritos. and i’ve had a good mojito or two in austin. but pretty much everyone in elected office there is shit balls bonkers, and molly ivins isn’t around anymore to make it seem quite as funny.
Ummm, I might not be able to be bestest girlfriends with you if you keep talking smack about my home state. Joe Barton is one dumbass dude who happens to be from Texas. Right-wingers from all states say stupid shit all the time. It’s just what they do. And for the record my rep is Lloyd Doggett and he is super-duper.
If you want to talk state politics, we actually have a lot of really good legislators who work very hard to represent their constituents and don’t always vote along party lines. Of course there are some far right wingers and also a couple of far left wingers (believe it or not), but the majority fall closer to the middle and aren’t raging a-holes.
Can we get back to talking smack on Sophia Coppola now?
yesssss. we can. she is lousy! and i’m still (mostly) joking about making fun of crazy people from texas, because, come one, i am from louisiana! we have awful horrible people running our state! awful people who think that sterilizing poor women should be a prerequisite for welfare! people who think concealed weapons should be allowed in church! william jefferson! he hid 90 thousand dollars in bocaburger boxes in his fridge! huey long might have actually MURDERED people! edwin edwards stole so much goddamned money! and the only reason he won his last term is because he was running against david duke, who was a grand fucking wizard of the KKK! so, i mean, i may throw some stones, but come on, i live in a really stupid place run by a bunch of corrupt alcoholics.
and srsly, texas has great, great burritos.
Also, just so you know, this isn’t going over well in Texas at all. Joe Barton has been the House’s number one recipient of big oil money for the past 20 years, so none of this is surprising. But seriously, what a dumbass. Did he forget about the thousands of miles of coastline we have ON THE GULF that could still be damaged by this spill and any future spills? Of all the stupid things Joe Barton has said in the last 20+ years, hopefully this will be the one to finally shut him down. Fingers crossed!!
And yes we do have great burritos, but breakfast tacos are the real jam.
MIGAS. I won’t eat them anymore, because animals, but they are goddamn delicious.
OMG can we talk about MIGAS, you guys?? This place in Austin called Janitzio’s has the best migas tacos EVER. So GOOD.
Also, Joe Barton is a giant turd. I’m ashamed to be from the same state as him. – Natalie Maines
Remember they did at one time have Ann Richards as governor, before replacing him with GW, and it’s not like we (though not me officially because I couldn’t vote in the ’00 election) did any better nationally. Not that that excuses Joe Barton (or John Cornyn!), but being part-Texan I feel obligated to defend it a little. Ugh.
Re: Ann Richards -> W. aka when the worm turned…
Other apologies Joe Barton is thinking about making:
“I’m so sorry Nazis that you took all the blame for killing so many Jews, Catholics, homosexuals, gypsies and political dissidents. It is not your fault they were not strong enough to withstand slavery/genocide.”
“Dear September 11 terrorists, I am so sorry the Towers and the Pentagon reacted so spectacularly badly to being bombarded by air craft.”
“Dear Ke$ha, I am so sorry so many people find you scary. It’s not your fault that they have a semblance of taste.”
I feel a party game coming on!
“I would like to apologize on behalf of this country to Sarah Palin. Our draining of the intellectual pool that is the public discourse was not speedy enough for your immersion in it, where you nearly drowned.”
“My apologies go to the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. Our planet was in your way, and now in trying to make the best of a bad situation, using up all those fossil fuels, Earth has screwed up again and is just dumping them all over the place.”
“And finally, it is time that Congress recognized the genocide currently going on in this country, as billions of copies of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus are wiped out by antiretroviral drugs, when all they want is to have children. From the bottoms of our hearts, we are sorry.”
-Joe Barton, who if there is a shred of justice in this world, will actually, literally be tarred and feathered.
“On behalf of all good and decent Americans, I would like to apologize to Jay Leno. The embarrassment that you have been put through at the hands of that ginger-haired rapscallion Conan O’Brien and his heathen minions is inexcusable. It’s high time that we all recognized the comedic genius inherent in reading newspaper typos (no Winwood), selectively editing tape to make pedestrians look uneducated, and racing gas-guzzling cars that cost as much to buy as it would take to feed a family of four for three years with dead-eyed celebutantes. You, sir, are an American hero, and I long for the day when your denim-on-denim combo becomes de rigeur beyond the boundaries of the sovereign nation of Texas. It reinforces my faith in the Almighty that you have been returned to your proper place at 11:35 p.m. EST.” – Joe Barton
I think it still might be too soon to joke about this…
This is pretty brilliant. Thanks for upstaging me!
You STARTED with Nazis and went on to 9/11. I found the challenge of figuring out where to go from there utterly irresistible.
I’m glad we have this forum in which to scream into the void that is the internet, wonder aloud when the world went mad, and anesthetize some of the fear and pain with humor.
I feel like the end of that amazing Onion article that came out after 9/11, in which God broke down and wept.
:*|
i’m pretty sure that it is a tragedy of the first proportion that actual human beings are having their lives lorried up by a corporations greed and lack of foresight. it is not any sort of tragedy of any proportion (which i might add is a weird choice of words for describing tragedies) that said corporation is going to throw down enough money to maybe put a tiny dent in fixing things.
Senator Joe Barton, do you know what also has no precedent in our nation’s history and has no legal standing? ALL THE FUCKING OIL IN AN ENTIRE OCEAN. ALL OF IT.
Also LOL, “BP–not British Petroleum!” KFC may not mean Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore but damned if it doesn’t make you just as likely to die of heart failure.
Everything is so disappointing.
Joe Barton had a heart attack five years ago: http://www.broadcastingcable.com/article/93334-Barton_Has_Heart_Attack.php. Let’s ‘hope’ it doesn’t happen again.
To be fair, at the time he did issue an apology to his heart.
Actually he apologized to the cholesterol. Especially during recovery, when that medicine was full on giving his cholesterol a shakedown.
I’d rather he find a gun in his mouth than a dick.
The people in charge at BP are mass murderers, clear and simple, and the scumbags like this who support them are their accomplices.
In Joe Barton’s defense, he has a picture of Endor in his wallet.
Even Tony “Cuntface” Hayward is like “Pip pip I feel embarrassed for you pip pip.”
In Britain, embarrassment is called “lorries”.
Fartin’ Barton, amiright? Cause he likes gas and stuff….
I am so tired of the GOVERNMENT talking about how evil the GOVERNMENT is. It’s like a big, cruel joke that nobody is getting.
Hey check it out, Joe Barton DID need to make another apology!
http://dailycaller.com/2010/06/17/white-house-indicates-barton-should-lose-committee-seat-over-apology-to-bp/
The GOP completely agreed with Gabe! Gabe’s Old Party!