Photos
Holy shit. I know that I am now well-past the age of the intended audience for the MTV Movie Awards, but I have to say that last night’s event was scary and confusing and made me feel like a crazy person abandoned on an alien planet. And to be completely honest, I’m not convinced that people who WERE in the intended audience for that thing didn’t feel equally miserable and disoriented. WHAT WAS THAT? Seriously, I have not seen something on television that felt as lazily thrown together and as disinterested in being something anyone would actually want to watch since the Catwalk reunion episode. Let’s start, and practically end, with the anchoring logic of Tom Cruise reprising his Lev Grossman role from 2008′s Tropic Thunder. Wait, what? Just to clarify: Tom Cruise, an actor in his mid-60s, did a mildly anti-Semitic portrayal of a BUSINESSMAN, which people might recognize from a movie that came out TWO YEARS AGO, at an awards show for TEENAGERS? Ay-ay-ay, my head just fell off and rolled under the Bentley that “The Situation” and “Vinny” pulled up in. What a load of garbage! Even the people who are suppose to want this don’t want that. “Dude, it’s going to be awesome. We’re also going to have Jennifer Lopez, mother of two, perform a song from, oh, I don’t remember, 1999?” If you look up “mind-boggling” in the dictionary there’s a picture of the 2010 MTV Movie Awards, and you can just barely make out my eyeball, rolling on the red carpet, after it popped out of my skull, which was crushed under the wheel of that aforementioned Bentley.
Of course, the point of the MTV Movie Awards is not to entertain people, which is good, because it doesn’t. The point of the MTV Movie Awards is to be a two-hour long advertisement for other movies. This is so pervasive and insistent that even if the movie has come out already, you must pretend that it has not, and advertise it. So when the cast of Get Him to the Greek presents an award, Diddy will actually say on national television: “if you didn’t see Get Him to the Greek this weekend, go see it.” Cool! Good ad! Jaden Smith will be everywhere. Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell will noisily and confusingly hang from the ceiling as an obtuse reminder that they are going to be in a buddy-cop comedy together this summer. Although there were two startling and wonderful uses of advertising last night that stood above the rest. The first was when, after Ken Jeong accepted the award for “Best WTF? Moment” (because remember, this is an awards show with REAL AWARDS) for having a small penis in The Hangover with a genuinely human moment in which he tearfully discussed his wife’s struggle with breast cancer, the show immediately cut to a contextual advertisement for Orbit Gum. COOOOOOOOL! CAN’T WAIT TO TRY THAT GUM!
But probably the best was when Angelina Jolie’s Salt, a movie that does not come out until July 23rd, almost two months from now, WAS NOMINATED FOR A FUCKING AWARD. What are we even doing here at this point? What is this even about?
Aziz Ansari did fine as the host. I think people who like him will continue to like him, and people who don’t like him will continue to don’t like him. It didn’t really move the needle one way or the other. I give him the most credit for introducing Russell Brand as Russell “Bland.” The video he made with Zach Galifianakis was funny, although not as funny as the fact that Zach Galifianakis couldn’t even be bothered to show up to the MTV Movie Awards in the first place.
And also there was the Human Giant reunion, which counts for something.
But even a Human Giant reunion can’t PUT MY HEAD BACK ON MY BODY. Whatever. I can still remember watching the very FIRST MTV Movie Awards on my great-grandfather’s hand-crank steam-powered television. That was over 100 years ago. This thing is so addled and exhausted and deluded with its own mis-wired memories. Maybe we should just pull the plug. For its own good.
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TL; DW
Hawks Plus Lakers Plus
= Poo On MTV Awards
How will I recognize you guys? What if there is a Topher Grace fan meetup at the same time? I might get confused.
Ummm..what’s the difference between a Videogum meetup and a Topher Grace fanclub meetup? I think the Vinn Diagram for those two groups has zero overlap.
YES. CHICAGO!
Best moment of the night – Aziz sings “F@%& you BP” as R. Kelly:
http://bit.ly/a0JLVf
The best part of the MTV Movie Awards was watching Gabe fall apart on Twitter. Other than that, not even Xtina’s glowing vagina could save it.
I found Birdie’s tweet about the program especially insightful.
videogum Written by Birdie. RT @videogum: diu eoeujfvikcfrlo;gtvh-[‘y
My first MTV Movie Awards was the one from 1995. Sandra Bullock got a best female performance or some shit. Kirsten Dunst got best breakout vampire girl. Jackie Chan got a lifetime achievement award. That was 15 goddamn motherfucking years ago. Nothing’s changed (and that’s the problomumum) The cast of Welcome Back Kotter did a parody of Pulp Fiction, which I enjoyed a little too much, actually.
I had the whole thing on a VHS tape and watched the Pulp Fiction bit a lot because I could not get around my parents properly to see the actual film until about a year and a half later.
I DVR’d last night’s awards. I don’t think I’m going to watch it.
I forget how much I instinctually light up when I see Zach’s beard and eyebrows. Those eyes…
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Do you know something I don’t?!
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I still hate MTV for given me a forever-type memory that I can’t get rid of, from sometime around when Braveheart came out in…94? Anyhow, I distinctly recall a Friday evening after a tough day at Middle School, my friend and I watched the weekly top twenty countdown hosted by John Sencio, with Mel Gibson as his special guest. They both wore kilts for the humorous effect, and they were both so much more excited about drinking whiskey than actually hosting the program that before one of the commercial breaks, as the cameras faded out, John Sencio took the bottle of Jack Daniels out from behind the couch a bit too early and had to guiltily put it back as if nothing was happening. I can still see the look of oopsie-daisy on his face as he bopped along to the SWV jam that was taking him to commercial and slowly put the bottle back in hiding. I’ve forgotten honest and meaningful things that have happened in my life, but I still involuntarily think about this sometimes. I wonder if it’s the Viacom chip in my brain malfunctioning?
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Ron Swanson should’ve hosted instead.
uh that wasn’t supposed to be a reply. sorry chocotaco.
kind of fitting tho, right?
I think it works quite well as a response to any mention of Ron Swanson.
no apologies. beat on, crotch-heart, beat on.
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I don’t know if I’m the target audience for these award show. I mean, is this supposed to represent that girls think about love with their private parts, because The Ugly Truth taught me that only guys do that.
Wait… Did I just reference The Ugly Truth? I AM THE TARGET AUDIENCE AFTERALL!
Is there a rule that two girls have to kiss at these things?
Yup.
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I turned this garbage fest off an hour in to it to watch Breaking Bad. These two television offerings could not have been further away from each other on the spectrum of quality TV. Can we PLEASE talk about how great Breaking Bad was? Anyone with me?
I’ve never watched the show but I’ve got season 1 on my netflix queue!
If you like things that are the best, you will surely enjoy it!
Just watched Episode 1, Season 1 last night. It was really good. I’ll be sure to get the disc back to Netflix so they can send it on over to you, Wertrew.
FUCK!
I knew there was something on last night I was going to watch!
Dammit…
Btw, I do most of my swearing and cursing before 9am, everybody.
Sorry if I’ve pooping offended anyone.
Yes! Although I have only watched Season One, and that was about a year ago (or longer). So I am very much behind the times! But I am with you.
ABQ represent!
Get with the times! It’s the 90s!
P.S. Is your user name a reference to the Professor Brothers? Please say yes.
MARTIAL ARTS! ALL KINDS!
I must confess, though: my name is not a reference to the Professor Brothers. (I thought about lying but lying is wrong!)
I hope we can still be friends!
BEST friends.
Yay! Let’s go have some enchiladas.
THANK you. Central and Carlisle 4 lyfe.
OMG Papers! Papers is where I buy my rubber stamps.
Also, The Frontier, yeah!
Too bad about BrokeNCYDE, though.
Also also, not too far from Natural Sound! Wow, I miss Albuquerque. I would like some Los Cuates, please.
Oh, All Kinds, you are speaking to a hardened Frontier veteran. I worked there for TWO YEARS at the end of high school/beginning of college. Wonder if I ever took your order for a breakfast burrito?
And Brokencyde? They’ve been excommunicated, you know. Their citizenship has been revoked. Their picture is up on the “DO NOT SERVE” bulletin board at Pop’n'Taco, and I heard Ron Bell won’t even speak to them.
Yes, Breaking Bad is currently the best. It’s not as great as The Wire, Deadwood or Arrested Development, but it is the best thing on right now. And then Mad Men will start back next month. Rad to tha hella, bro.
Is Shaun White starring in the Crocodile Dundee reboot?
One can only hope so.
“That’s not a snowboard.”
I tuned in just as Sandra Bullock was kissing Scarlett Johansson and then pleaded with the audience to have everything “go back to normal” and to “start making fun of her again.” First of all, did anyone ever stop making fun of her? And second, has kissing Scarlett Johansson ever returned anyone’s life to normal?”
I would like to personally investigate whether or not my life would return to normal after kissing ScarJo.
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I find your desperate efforts to win Worst commentator of the week to be really boring
And that’s a lot, coming from Steve.
get out of here with your flarf.
So MTV “awarded” people with free ad time to advertise upcoming movies that will directly increase revenue for MTV? Thanks for the Gift Horse.
Marion, don’t look it in the mouth. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look it in the mouth, no matter what happens!
When Clint Howard won the lifetime achievement award, it was pretty great, though.
#unstuckintime
I suddenly feel really great about my decision to watch the NBA last night.
I think it’s time for a new weekly segment from Gabe:
Don’t know why the gif, doesn’t show anymore . here’s a duplicate
K3$H!3 you! Paltrow and your magical gif-erasing Goop powers!
I actually watched the whole show, and honestly don’t remember any of it. I should add I was sober (I know…sad).
That Lev Grossman thing is pretty much Katie Holmes’ fault. Her WHOLE JOB is to be Tom’s finger-on-the-pulse-of-youth-culture (that and being his thetanmama).
I was actually looking forward to watching this, because I’m a cool young adult (huh?) and the chat would be fun. I only made it halfway through the red carpet show before I barfed in my mouth. I tried, you guys. I really did.
Hey, remember when our avatars could MOVE? I used to get hypnotized by them.
I’m so confused by these pictures, and even more convinced that getting rid of cable 3 months ago was the best move I’ve made in a while.
Lev Grossman wrote the awesome book The Magicians and LES Grossman is Tom Cruise’s sad attempt at relevance. Don’t besmirch the names of perfectly good fantasy writers.
“Relax, nerd!” – Me to myself.
Okay so I’ve never heard of Lev Grossman before this morning when I recieved a notification that he’ll be at my local bookstore. I guess the world (through Miss Rabbit’s comment) is telling me I should go.
You should. It’s a good read
Everything Ken Jeong did leading up to his acceptance speech was hilarious. I dubbed it the “fap-and-throw” and it made me LOL4REAL. Also, yay for his wife.
katy perry was so dead behind the eyes, terrible at singing, and unenthusiastic that it made me depressed.
tits, though.
She’s pretty.
Incorrect. She is the poor man’s Zooey.
if you like kermit the frog voice
“Of course, the point of the MTV Movie Awards is not to entertain people, which is good, because it doesn’t.”
Poetry.
I watched the Baftas. I can safely say they were better even though I didn’t and have never watched the MTV Movie Awards. I mean, they had that woman from Glee, Peter Capaldi and Louis Theroux with beards, Graham Norton in a sparkley jacket and also this thing 8 seconds in: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9hZ3uo2xXc
Presumably, Mtv was at one point relevant to youth culture (for better or worse). When do you think was the moment it jumped the shark?
The Remote Control tv show.
The day they took Beavis & Butthead off air.
The day Beavis & Butthead broadcast their first episode
The day this happened: Minutes of reality programming > Minutes of music programming
As someone who just finished watching her complete-series Daria DVDs, I think the answer is, “Not as early as you’d think.”
I’d say the exact moment was when Carson Daly got his own late night show, which is precisely the time that TRL moved timeslots and didn’t come on right after school got out, which is precisely the moment TRL became irrelevant, which is precisely the moment there was absolutely ZERO music television on MTV and they stopped using TRL to pretend that they were still a music channel, which is right around the moment that the music business REALLY started to collapse, which only encouraged MTV even more to distance themselves from music and more towards reality game shows like NEXT and Room Raiders which paved the way for even crappier stuff that I don’t even know about because I haven’t watched that channel in at least 4 years.
Was there actually a Catwalk reunion episode? I’m serious. Where can I find it?? Or any original episodes for that matter…
The most striking moment for me was during katy perry’s performance. There was some line about popsicles melting, and her back up dancers enthusiastically simulated fellatio. If the internet could indulge me with a gif that would be splendid, grazie! Also snoop doggs shorts were cool right? Gotta get me some.
Hold on now, Tom Cruise is in his mid-60′s?
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I was with you up to the colon cancer part. Relax techno nightheat. There are more important/relevant things to get worked up over/ wish death upon.
you’re right. the show just really pissed me off.
that new show about the penis was too LONG and HARD to get into. it had my head THROBBING and READY TO BURST.
i should be a writer for that show
Think this should have been filed under ‘Duh Aficionado Magazine.’ MTV IS THE WORST.
“Give me my colored coat, my amazing colored coat. Give me my colored coat, my amaaaazing, coloooorredd, cooooooooooooaaaaaaatttttttt!” -Jaden Smith
francisella: if I could, I would give you 100 upvotes for this.
Dear Gabe,
I will not verify this with a credible source, but here’s what I think it is:
uninterested = having no interest
disinterested = having no bias
Am I that guy now? Eh. If so, then I remain
Your that guy,
Ian
It is both, actually.
http://mw4.m-w.com/dictionary/disinterested
And I don’t want to be “that guy” either, so apologies in advance, but you could have just googled it if you weren’t sure?
You’re right, and you are so much less that guy than I am.
I wanted to believe in the difference between dis-and uninterested SO hard. But that doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t excuse my being that guy.
Is it just me or does Kristen Stewart soooooooooooooooooooo not look like she wants to be an actress in popular movies? What the hell is her deal? Every time the camera would pan to her in the audience last night (about every 2.5 seconds) she had this look of supreme irritation. I’m pretty sure she knew what she was getting into when she signed up to do be the “lynch pin” in the Twilight Saga between a VAMPIRE AND A WEREWOLF. We’re not talking Katherine Hepburn role choices here. So far, her most prominent roles have been a 1/2 vampire and Joan Jett. Someone needs to sit her down and give her a fame audit, cause she seems to be getting too high and mighty for her R. Pattz britches.
My boss and co-worker are watching a video of the Tom Cruise performance and he says “I love that character, that’s his best character”. Then he says “Is that his wife?” and “Has he really put on that much weight”. My boss is, by the way, a retarded five year old.