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Gabe loves fan fiction. You Can Make It Up features his own personal alternate adventures starring some of our favorite characters.
In retrospect, writing the screenplay had been the easy part. 50 Cent was an artist, so writing a really sick feature film was totally normal for him. It was like breathing. Would you tell a fish not to be wet? Would you tell a tree not to have there be shade under it? He just did what came natural to him, like fishes and trees, which was to write vibrant, naturalistic dialog for three-dimensional characters with a depth of humanity, and to have those characters entwined in a vivid narrative drama that simultaneously created a compelling story, but also spoke to the larger experience of human beings alive on Earth at this moment in time. Drama was in 50 Cent’s blood. Drama and anabolic steroids.
So when it came time to cast the lead role, Antwan Majestic, a promising, young, up-and-coming football player who has been diagnosed as suffering from having permanent clown makeup on his face and no legs or arms, it only made sense that 50 Cent play the role himself. He wrote it, after all. And he was an actor. One of the guys in his entourage, Poop, told him all the time that he was the Philip Senor Hoffman of his generation, and 50 took that as a compliment, because he had paid for Poop to give him the compliment, and what would have been the point of paying him for it if he wasn’t going to take it, but also because Philip Senor Hoffman was mad good at acting, son. He was born to play this role, with the exception of not having permanent clown makeup and being in possession of both his arms and legs. But before he’d gotten in the rap game, 50 Cent had played football a bunch of times with his friends, and he knew exactly what Antwan Majestic was going through. Of course, in 50 Cent’s case, he had stopped playing football because he had developed a really successful rap-and-sports-drink empire which afforded him the opportunity to stop being friends with most of his old friends, who couldn’t understand what his life was like now, and not because he had been diagnosed with having permanent clown makeup on his face and no legs or arms. But human emotions are universal. Probably.
First, 50 Cent had clown makeup permanently tattooed on his face, so that he could understand what it was like to live with the serious affliction of having permanent clown makeup on your face.
“50,” the director had said to them, “we can just put clown makeup on you in the morning before we shoot. And then in the evening, you can wash it off. And the next day we can put it on again. You don’t have to have it permanently tattooed on your face.”
“How am I gonna understand what it feels like to have permanent clown makeup on my face if I know that I can wash it off at the end of the day? The audience needs to believe that I am a man living with clown make up on my face for the rest of my life. Do you have so little respect for the audience?”
The director just shook his head and played with the straw in his venti iced Americano w/ soy.
And so, 50 Cent had clown makeup tattooed on his face. That night, looking in the dollar-sign shaped mirror in his hat closet, he cried. “Use this, 50 Cent,” he told himself. “Use this human emotions.” He went to sleep without even arranging his hats, such was his human emotions.
The next day, his face covered in saran wrap and ointment, 50 Cent went into the doctor’s office and demanded that his arms and legs be amputated. The director was there, too. “You know, 50 Cent, we can use modern special effects technology to make it appear that you don’t have arms or legs in the movie, but in fact you can keep your arms and legs instead of amputating them, and that way, when the movie is done, you will still have arms and legs.”
“I would just like to add,” the doctor said, “that there is absolutely no way that I can amputate your arms and legs in good conscience.”
50 Cent scowled at the two men. Or maybe they were boys. Little baby boys. Not ready to give themselves over to ART. “How is the audience going to believe I don’t have arms and legs when I have arms and legs?”
“It’s special effects,” the director said. “Like the hyper-realistic dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.”
“First of all, those dinosaurs were real and that shit was CRAZY. Second of all, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re going to make Jurassic Park, you’ve got to get real dinosaurs, you feel me? So if we’re going to make The Longest Clown: The Antwan Majestic Story, I can’t have no arms or legs, mayne.”
“At the very least, you could wait until your extensive, scab-encrusted face tattoo heals before making your final decision,” the director suggested.
“And you could wait for my boy Dibble to encrust your face with his fists before making your shut the hell up!”
Dibble stepped forward.
“Besides, did Antwan Majestic wait for the diagnosis of permanent clown makeup on his face to heal before being diagnosed with having no arms and legs?”
“Well, to be fair, Antwan Majestic is make-believe, as are the diseases. Which you should know, because you made them up.”
50 Cent motioned to Dibble, who cracked the knuckles in his massive meat fists. The director held up his hands in resignation. The doctor looked like he had taken an entire bottle of crazy pills. Then 50 Cent proceeded to amputate his own arms and legs, as the director and doctor and 30-some-odd members of 50′s entourage vomited, like, so much. Later, 50 Cent would find out that one of his boys, Poop’s little brother, Lace, had stolen 50′s severed limbs and put them up for sale on eBay. 50 kicked him out of the entourage, meaning he had to move out of the main house and live in the three story pool house, and he only got $150,000 spending money a month. It was a fate worse than that of Antwan Majestic. Probably.
A year later, The Longest Clown: The Antwan Majestic Story opened to terrible reviews, for a bunch of obvious reasons.
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Yet another Masterpeice. The internet keeps setting them up, you keep knocking them down.
….and thus, Notsewfast created the greatest piece of art of all time…of ALL TIME!!!!
Brilliant! Who’s the first target?
The one, the only, Chris Klein.
Applause!!!
Dang it! I was hoping it would be a weekly series, and you just kept giving us hints and adding clues and characters. Damn you lost you ruined my expectations!
How can a baby be so zany? You are one to be studied Notsewfast.
This…this is what I shoot.
Baby Genius.
i wish fifty cent would come and replace all of my fingers and toes with thumbs, because then i could give you twenty thumbs up for this. also, probably nightmares.
I love
watching
gabe
busta-cap!
Notsewfast,
you
have
outdone
yourself
Sir!
Cut the “Sir!”, re-enjamb that comment and you’ve got yourself a haiku.
A futher six months after The Longest Clown: The Antwan Majestic Story opened to terrible reviews, it was placed on Netflix, thus making it eligible for the “Worst Movie Of All Time” competition in a semi-popular pop-culture blog. Every week for a further three months, a user on the website known as “werttrew” nominated it for the Worst Movie Of All Time, posting accompanying gifs and explanations of how the gifs related to the viewing of the film, whilst urging other users on the blog to not make the same mistake and watch the film.
Mr Cent, in a paraplegic rage, sued werttrew for $7 kajilion, unaware that a kajilion is not a real number.
Curtis was confused as to why whenever he was in Michigan people would offer him faygo and interject that he was down with the clown and was their ninja
Its a motherfucking holiday weekend! Though I am not very old at all in the grand scheme of things, I am certainly old enough and depressed enough to long for those care free summer days of my formative years. I’m sure many of you monsters feel the same. Being an adult is fucking hard work!
Since this weekend is the unofficial start of summer, it is the perfect time recapture your youth and whatever other emotions or piece of life you feel you have lost. As Gabe mentioned the other day, Spring completely passed us by here on the East Coast so now we have to just give summer our best go without the rebirth or whatever spring is supposed to bring us. So do it now. I guess what I’m trying to say is lets all try to give ourselves a few halcyon days here at the end of May and regroup. The topless killer or w/e has supposedly stopped any more oil from being pumped into the Gulf and we can at least take some solace in the fact that this Prez will now take the clean-up effort seriously. So lets look forward, monsters. Lets try not to dwell on what the existence of a second SatC movie says about our culture or how the economy is still so very fucked or where LeBron is gonna hoop next season or how there is ANOTHER DAMNED PACIFIC EARTHQUAKE/TSUNAMI. Just take a break, you’ve earned it.
I’m going to be outside enjoying the beautiful mid-Atlantic weather for the next 4 days before summer gets here for real and I need three shirts just to make it through the day. I’ll be the full-grown adult who is publicly intoxitcated b/c he has low amounts of self-control and even lower amounts of self-esteem so if you’re in DC, Philly, or Central Jersey this weekend and you see me, say hey.
Anyway, have safest and wonderfulest of weekends. These guys know how to be wonderful:
I wish I could tattoo that gif on the inside of my eyeballs so I could see it on loop all through the night. Have a great holiday weekend, wwwest! I too will be busy being an adult and intoxicated this weekend. I have a half day today and hope to be half-tanked by the time the Monster’s Ball hits.
50 Cent: Get me Philip Seymour Hoffman!
Smithers: He’s unavailable.
50 Cent: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent – Philip Señor Hoffman!
The closing credit music on 50 cents movie should be the “Who Let the Clowns Out” song from a while back. You guys remember that one? That was skin crawlingly good stuff.
“Skin crawlingly good stuff” is a good phrase. I like it. Can I borrow it some time?
50 Cent will be Karl Pilkington’s new favorite freak: Clown-faced Pillowman.
“Use this, 50 Cent,” he told himself. “Use this human emotions.”
oh maaaan, Gabe, this is just The Best. Only an army of James Francos eating pies can express how So Good this is.
Poop and Dibble commentary track on the DVD please!
“WTF IS DIS REAL?”
– 50 Cent
“WHERE THA FUCK IS MY YOU CAN MAKE IT UP?!?!?!?! WTF GABE!!!”
-Kanye, who is jealous.
Settle down, Kanye. Here you go:
http://videogum.com/90641/you_can_make_it_up_kanye_west/franchises/you-can-make-it-up/
I didn’t read the whole post, sorry Gabe. My eye started to get all buggy. I’m going outside!
Dear All of You:
From top to bottom, this is all the best ever. If this post were a sandwich, it would be one made of winning lottery tickets that you realize at the last minute you shouldn’t eat, but instead take to the Capital and cash in for money.
Gabe, I’m sure you get enough positive vibes in life, what with living the good life and still having some railroad bonds under your bed, and that you don’t need me to tell you that you are doing a good job, but really the title alone makes this the greatest thing on the internet that has ever been on the internet today. And then you hit me with the melty goodness hidden in the hot dog: the story moved me in unexpected ways. That picture will haunt the dreams of my children unto the 70th generation.
But then. Lord. Then the rest of you came with your A games. All of you. It is as though Gabe’s post was the Cosby Show and then the rest of you were Cheers and Wings–that is, the perfection of the human endeavor. I will be in the parking lot of the mall at a folding table covered in a plastic table cloth with small medals to hand out to those who come by.
I can’t believe it, but [LOST SPOILERS] I think I just resolved all of my unresolved emotional problems, FELT IT, remembered my life on the Island, became reconciled with the fact that I am dead, hugged my father and a few other folks and then said: GOODNIGHT!
Regards,
Mans
Afterwards,
50 accepted his irrevocable injuries, changed his name to 50% (there) and toured with ICP.
SEE! I knew the dinosaurs in JP were real. Thanks, 50. You just won me $20.
I have to admit, I’m a little bit disappointed that the content of this You Can Make It Up did not provide the opportunity for even more HILARIOUS comments about Chinua Achebe. I was already making one up in my head when I saw the title. It involved the word “Igbo.”
How can he kick someone out of his entourage without any legs?
At least that’s what fiddy would say because he reads everything so literally.. you get me?
I’m still slightly ashamed that the proper name “Poop” made me laugh the hardest. Maybe I would like MacGruber, after all….
FUCKING CHEMO HOW DOES IT WORK