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Oil continues to pour into the ocean at an alarming rate. Honestly, what is happening out there? It’s 2010! Why can’t we make oil stop pouring out of the fucking ground?! It’s ruining everything. Birds are giving up in frustration. Of course, if we do manage to survive this disaster, and I’m not saying that we will survive it, and even if we do survive it we still have 2012 to worry about, unless this is just the beginning of 2012 and in fact Roland Emmerich got it all wrong and the Tibetan monk in his bell tower was crushed by a tidal wave of CRUDE OIL pouring over the mountains, but if we do somehow survive it, you know that Hollywood will make a movie about it. Those guys. They’re like, “Hey, there’s a dirty Kleenex on the ground. I’m thinking franchise.” Then you’ve got Eddie Murphy playing a family of Kleenex. That’s how it works. But so, when they do adapt this international environmental tragedy (because the oceans belong to EVERYONE, except for Native Americans) for the big screen, WHO SHOULD PLAY THE OIL SPILL?
A few suggestions after the jump:
Betty White
Right? She should do everything! It’s weird that they haven’t fired everyone from Entertainment and replaced them all with Betty White. If anything, she should play the oil spill AND the CEO of BP AND the President of the United States AND herself.
Kevin Costner
With his actual real-life work in researching and designing oil spill clean up strategies AND his make-believe movie work as Mariner from the hit film, Waterworld, Kevin Costner would bring a depth (get it? Underwater jokes!) to the performance that few other actors could.
The Smoke Monster from Lost
Admittedly, this is a bit of type casting. And considering the disappointing ratings for the Lost finale, Hollywood might not see the Smoke Monster as the bankable star that he was a couple of years ago (when you could not throw a conch without hitting a romantic comedy featuring the Smoke Monster and Jennifer Aniston). But from a budgetary standpoint (the most important standpoint!) you would save a lot on makeup.
Gabourey Sidibe
Gabourey Sidibe is going to need to act fast to follow up on the success of her performance in Precious: Based On a Novel. As we know, she is not funny, but this is a serious role, so that’s not an issue. Although when Leslie Nielson puts together his SPOOF of BP Oil Spill: The Movie, Extra Virgin Oil Spill, we would NOT recommend Gabourey Sidibe. Not even as a winking cameo.
Sir Ben Kingsley
Honestly, he’s just a great actor. And he would probably be great as the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
One adult for this movie, please!
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Well if nothing else, dressing the gulf in black has helped it look super sleek and sexy, it’s very slimming.
I nominate Kesha, noted garbage monster and expert on oily discharges.
Definately, she is way more expansive than she should be and once her music enters the marshlands of your ears she leaves her sticky refuse all over your taste/dignity.
How about former Yankees slugger Jason Giambi. The man just looks oily.
She’s pretty.
I would like to nominate Messrs. Nick Madison and Brian Corman. Oily, Slick, generally disliked. Flammable.
Seems about right.
I thought you were referring to a charity concert at first… I was going to suggest that Slick Rick should headline.
Rob Blagojevich since he’s so oily
-Jay Leno
the stain on Monica Lewinsky’s dress
- Jay Leno
Yeah did you hear? Did you hear about this? APPARENTLY, there is a giant oil spill devastating the gulf coast. Yeah, yeah. Did you hear about this Kev? Yeah BP executives are now blaming the cast of the Jersey Shore for filming down there! Oh! My first guest tonight is a hot new stand-up comic from Davenport, Iowa! Please welcome Nick Madson!
-Jay Leno
*gunshot*
**Dancing Itos enter, clean up blood**
uppercutz. your comment was a humor elevator that stopped at all floors. fucking ding.
I try. God help me, I try.
I think BP should seriously consider buying that fibreglass rock cork thing from the LOST finale…
Sarah Palin
Alex Mack.
I nominate the oil spill from Free Willy 2. He’s been searching for another successful part for years now (he took it badly when he didn’t get the part of Jack Sparrow) but this could finally be the role to put him back in the limelight
a bunch of these guys?
OLEAN!!!!
But wasn’t Olean found to CAUSE leakage?
WHOA WHOA WHOA, I thought this was 2010, y’all. Somebody needs to increase the peace, quit being all racial in here
What about Bob Newhart? Honestly he was the JEWEL of Jimmy Kimmel Lost Parody business. Where is the Facebook Group to get HIM to Host SNL? or play an oilslick.
I was going to offer my own nomination, but Bob Newhart is pretty much the best. I through my considerable (nonexistent) Hollywood clout behind this suggestion!
When I saw the HAZMAT getup at the top of this post I thought of Breaking Bad, so I nominate Saul Goodman
Tom Crude. (sorry)
Susan B”oil”e (sorry-er)
Ralph Re-fiennes-ery
(did i do it right)
Edward James Oil*mos
Johnny “We shouldn’t drill at that” Deppth
Pauly “Devastated” Shore-line
Shaquille Oil’neal. I’m so so sorry.
Cloris “Contaminated” Beachman
Spill Murray
Steven “Dead” Se(a)gal
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Shelly Duvall because she played Olive OIL in that Popeye movie
On a related note, they can have the premier at the Audubon Aquarium of the Americas in New Orleans!
(On an doubly ironic side note, read the last sentence from their official site http://www.auduboninstitute.org/visit/aquarium/attractions/gulf-of-mexico)
The link is now dead, fyi…
I got a 404 error, which just made me extra
for the gulf. The ecosystem you requested is no longer here.
Good thing I still had the tab open and took a screen shot for all you Monsters:
I would have been great for this role back when i was drinking more capri sun, in the late 90s.
even though he is not an actor, per se, my official nomination is:
because
1. halliburton of course is involved in this shitfuck of a mess, meaning they are officially the nexus of evil
2. maybe we can light him on fire for realsies in the dramatic clean up scenes
3. then maybe we can pee on him to put him out
4. otherwise i say we should just splice in scenes of marlon brando’s face from apocalypse now.
If Cheney were on fire, would you REALLY pee on him to put him out?
i mean, i may want to light the man on fire, but i’m also a pretty compassionate person. so maybe.
I wouldn’t want to burn my privates, so No, he can just ash and crust.
Soundtrack by Built To Spill?
And Of Montreal, or just the Late B.P. Helium I suppose
Midnight Oil is on there, you know they did a revamp of their hit, called it “Bed’s (Gulf Waves) are (soon to be) Burning.”
If dumping oil in the ocean gets you a soundtrack by Built to Spill let me know okay. Because, well, I’m a pretty big Built to Spill fan.
Man, when I saw this headline I thought to myself “Johnny (that’s what I call myself), you should make a Smoke Monster joke and you’ll get tons up upvotes for being funny and mentioning Lost! It’ll be great!”
But then Gabe already posted it because he is so funny and enjoys the Lost in the television, so now I’m stumped…
Oh! How ’bout Jar Jar Binks?
The Gulf of Mexico was pretty awesome until they tried to force Jar Jar Binks into it and ruined the whole thing.
Scott Baio has a picture of an oil spill in his wallet, so he’s probably qualified.
Lindsey Lohan . . . because she doesn’t mix with water.
Isn’t this the part where Werttrew nominates Amelia?
Midnight Oil can compose the soundtrack.
Steven Baldwin is already down there filming for Kevin Costner, but I sure Brendan Fraser will get it in the end.
Mandy Moore
You guys, Steven Baldwin REALLY needs this role.
The oil spill should, nay, must be played by Richard Grieco.
After some serious deliberation I think we should leave it up to Kanye West
when I saw the headline I thought this was going to be a list of people who are The Worst, since the BP oil spill is also The Worst. the real list is good too! but, I nominate Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicholas Sparks, and Elizabeth Gilbert.
I nominate Stefan Gagner Dubois because, DOY.
Is Sir Ben Kingsley turning into Howie Mandel, or vice versa?
Seriously, 66 replies and not one mention of Simon Monjack?
It’s not like the dude is doing anything right now.
What’s that you say?
I nominate Tyra Banks. Inescapable, toxic, crude, prone to blowouts, nearly impossible to plug up.
Nic Cage. If he’s not oily no one is.