“I have no idea what is even happening here. Where’s my nurse?” — Andy Rooney. (Via TheHighDefinite.)
At Gabe’s school, you won the talent show by not dying of dysentery.
he came in second place for successfully fording the river.
his prize was an onion, which he then affixed to his belt, in accordance with the style at the time.
HEY! That’s supposed to be my joke!
Don’t you have some clouds to yell at?
I’m cold and there are wolves after me.
“Why does your crotch smell like onions?” – Susan B. Anthony
Justin Bieber is SOOOOOOO talented!
“Bieber ain’t got SHIT ON ME!” –This Kid
You laugh, but do you see the looks on those girls’ faces? He’s crushing it, 7th grade style. He’s going to hold SOOO much hand, dude.
I bet he gets sexts.
And so many painful, awkward handjobs.
I’m not laughing. This kid just crushed it all. This kid is going to have all the girls wanting to carry his books.
He should, but those girls all look booorrred. What is wrong with them!?
As an expert on 13-yr old girls (not in the “send me to jail” kind of way, yikes, bad phrasing!), I recognize those as This Is Edgy So I Don’t Know If It’s Cool Or Not So I’ll Just Stare Blankly Until Someone Definitively Cool Makes The Final Judgment faces.
Very true, if Teen Korner has taught me anything, it’s that 14-year olds love vampires and singers who look like lesbians (I tried to think of a way to make that sentence less pervy. It was impossible)
TXT TRANSCRIPT FROM THAT NIGHT:
FutureMrsJonas97: OMG did u see bobby play lady gaga at the talent sho
EdwardForever999: srs wow
FutureMrsJonas97: i nevar notice how cute he is! like justin beiber lol!
FutureMrsJonas97: i’d let him see my bra
EdwardForever999: ew! i think he likes boys!
FutureMrsJonas97: no ways! i saw him holding cindy’s hand at the mall
EdwardForever999: suzie sez she saw him giggling and flipping his hair at timmy at the lunch table last week
EdwardForever999: and yesterday i saw a zac efron poster in his locker!
FutureMrsJonas97: efron? that is so 4thgrade!
EdwardForever999: i kno rite? i’m facebooking him anyways tho
FutureMrsJonas97: maybe he can help us pick cute shoes this weekend!
Why were they all girls? The best was the girl who’s head floated right in the middle of the piano, Bustin Jeiber, and the microphone. In the words of Michael K “the panty pudding was a flowin,” (yuck)
‘OMG NERD ALERT!!! so lame!’ —Bored Brunette Girl in the Lower Middle Who Can’t Stop Playing With Her Hair
Those EYE ROLLS. What a bitch.
it’s gonna be sad when that blonde girl staring at him so hungrily realizes that he will never ever ever be hers for reasons that she has no control over.
Not just her. I wouldn’t want to be any of the girls’ parents that night. Awkward!
It seems like that girl playing with her hair the whole time would be enjoying it the most, since that is Lady Gagas main demographic of fans. Crazy teenagers with all their hormones!
Hey Shakey McShakerson, ever heard of a tripod?
Aww crap! The clip ended right before the first costume change. That bodysuit made of baby-doll heads was a real showstopper!
Hopefully he brings it out for his performance on Ellen on Thursday (for srs, he’ll be seducing middle-aged dancing moms in less than 48 hours – can’t wait!)
(unemployed internet gossip addicts know the darndest things)
Aubrey Plaza what are you doing there, you don’t belong in a high school auditorium
I have to ask, what is up with necklaces nowadays? Leaving off the weird musical note tragedy on the girl in the back row… is the little Angela Kinsey sitting next to little April Ludgate wearing a playboy bunny necklace? Do I care too much about the sartorial choices of today’s youth? Oh, indeed.
She probably bought it at Claire’s in the 75% off bin.
Or maybe Hot Topic, because that’s so non-conformist.
Fucking teenagers and their stores.
That was totally awesome. And I love that he totally blew mini-Carrie Underwood’s mind up there.
Feel free to mentally delete the “totally” of your choice above.
i added 3 more.
Yeah I am not going to make a joke and instead say that this kid was pretty amazing!
I have nothing snarky to say!
Agreed. I can’t believe that the crowd isn’t more excited by this.
“You think THAT was good, wait until you see our video remake of Everybody Dance Now!”
Well, that wasn’t supposed to happen…
Only Desmond can fix it now…
This week on “The New Adventures of Time-Travelling Young Rufus Wainwright”: Young Rufus takes down an international cartel of ivory smugglers and discovers the truth about his extrodinary powers while entertaining a school of bored girls, teaching them how to love and understand one another. Guest Star: Tom Wopat.
Wow. Can someone please put this on a beer label for me? A beer called Better TV? I would rush to the store for each week’s new label.
Ok. This needs to be a real thing. I think I smell a videogum everywhere challenge!
His sidekick is a Boston Terrier named “Dorothy.”
What’s wrong with these kids? The blonde girl in the back seems to be the only one who realizes how good this guy is.
To be fair, he’s kind of pitchy, his time signature keeps shifting on him, and his generous “interpretation” of gaga’s own acoustic type performance are probably throwing the others in the audience a bit off (they’re at Juilliard).
The Justin Bieber kid pulls [a CD] off the shelf. “The Fame Monster, by Gaga. Good stuff. That’s what I play,” he says, putting it back. “That’s what I play.”
Damn, lil Bieber’s a Beast
That kids is going to get so much of the genitals he chooses.
And I’m probably going to get so much of the genitals I don’t want, in jail, for that comment.
Signed up just so I could upvote this. *Still* laughing!
And that was the last time young Jonathan was invited to perform at the Our Lady of Lourdes girls prep school annual talent show for abstinence awareness and promotion.
Even elementary school teachers wanna tear down Gaga. On the serious, that was really impressive.
Is this a middle school populated entirely by girls and this talented fella? And why do NONE of them know how to react to this? Stare blankly? Be bored?
Jesus christ, kid, EVERYBODY knows that you never perform in shorts.
Entertaining 101, you aint nuthin without pizazz.
But Lady Gaga performs in glittery bodysuits! This kid knows that in order to impress a crowd, you gotta show some leg!
Also, shame on me, because he is like eight, and he shouldn’t even know what “showing leg” means.
Oh man. This takes me back to my sixth grade days, when all the girls stared at me with shining eyes*, sent me little love notes**, just wondering what it would be like to take my hand in theirs***. ****
**told me to “fuck off.”
***never see me again
****I was homeschooled
Those girls look like they are watching a slo-mo car wreck. I bet later that same day, most of them tried out for the Official Shoving That Guy Into Lockers Team.
I was told there’d be dads wandering around in their underwear.
This kid’s enemy = puberty
I was just thinking that! 14 will ruin his career.
There’s always the castrati alternative.
That sounds like a Robert Ludlum title.
This kid’s greatest trick was convincing the all-girls school to let him in. Thank you, Bieber/lesbian haircut!
I’m in love! (I’m in jail!)
I was about to post EXACTLY this.
so, see you in jail!
p.s. our competition has curly, blonde hair.
That guy’s going to get so much ass in his early 20s.
i would love to see the conversation of “i’m the lady gaga ‘paparazzi’ kid from youtube” his first day in the dorms at college.
Also there’s nothing cornier than a large homely looking teacher summing up a exceptional performance with “Well I don’t know about you but I think he just taught Lady Gaga a lesson.”
THAT’S HIS REAL VOICE???
wow, i didn’t know Justin Beeber was that good!
his parents are so PROUD
What’s the deal, disaffected youth of today? Our sixth grade talent shows were just the children of hover-parents reciting states capitals in alphabetical order. Look alive!
I don’t think he needed to pull this trick in order to get any genitals because it looks like he’s the only boy in the entire school.
A second opinion from a respected source.
WOW – this website is LOLarious / the scariest thing I have ever read. What they had to say about our favourite birdgirl Miley Cyrus:
“This is what to expect when you let your daughters hang out with the wrong crowds. One second it is staying out late past 10:30 and weekend slumber parties, then the next it is gay dog orgies and drug induced lap dances with lesbians. It all leads to AIDS and death, with pregnancy.”
Hold up. Is that some real stuff from that website? or did you make that up? You sound crazy making up so much ridiculousness! Please say you made that up. That’s not something a normal person would say. YOU’RE CRAZY GUMLOVER, CRAAAAAAZYY!
I may believe you didn’t make that up after all.
When reading this, do so in an Andy Rooney voice.
“I have no idea who this Justin Bieber is, but he is causing our teenage daughters to make sinful videos in his name.
As I searched YouTube today, I saw cause to issue an immediate Parenting Moral Alert
Satan is always looking for a way to enter your daughter’s dreams, so he can entice her to do bad things once awake.
In this following video, we see Justin Bieber has used his magic to cast a hold over these poor girls. They wake up in a trance and somehow singing a synchronized song where in a daze, they go through the eerily spirited lyrics.
This is a new type of demonic ploy to get to our kids and we must beware. Whoever knows who this Justin Bieber is, please tell us so we can contact the authorities and pray for him to lose access to our teenage daughters. Thank you.”
As someone who used to be religious, and likes to think she has a fairly good grasp of how crazy the Internet can get, there’s *no way* this can be real. It’s just one massive, hugely clever, hugely ironic (did I use that right?) joke!
*small voice* This is just a very well-researched, well-written, carefully thought out satirization of ultrahyper Christian conservatism and fearmongering…
…somebody? Anybody? Please tell me I’m right!
Someone give this kid ALL THE PUSSY. Now.
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