Oh hell. Gary Busey had a baby. His name is Luke, and by all appearances he is an actual human being, rather than a drug-addled, paranoid fugue state. I hope that Mr. Busey and his girlfriend are very happy. I hope that they raise their young son into a thoughtful and engaged young man, sensitive and curious to the world around him. It’s still possible! But, considering who his father is, his father might need some advice. So, Gary Busey, as you attempt to teach your baby the ways of the world, here are some parenting tips:
Wash your baby with soap and warm water, don’t take him out onto the deck and hose him down while shouting something incoherent about the Civil War
Feed your baby his mother’s milk, and eventually wean him onto baby food. Do not shove oil soaked rags and loose change down his throat while barking like a dog.
When trying to put your baby to sleep, sing gently to him, or tell him stories in a soft voice, don’t spend three hours lecturing him in an ever increasingly violent frenzy about the long-standing Russian conflict with the aliens.
If your baby begins to teeth, get him a teething ring. Some people advocate soaking a rag in wine to help numb the baby’s sore gums. In any case, don’t force him to clamp his jaws around your nipple while insisting that men belong in the forest and can make their own medicine.
Give your baby safe toys that will help him developmentally. Some things that are not toys: swords, power tools, “disarmed” grenades/land mines, cans of WD-40, Euros, live fish.
This might go without saying, but don’t drive your baby out to an abandoned copper mine and leave him there with nothing but a rope, a pocket knife, and a piece of peyote wrapped in saran wrap. Don’t do that, Gary Busey, no matter how much you think it’s the right thing to do.
Good luck, Gary Busey. And EXTRA good luck to Luke Busey. (Photo via Dlisted.)