Oh hell. Gary Busey had a baby. His name is Luke, and by all appearances he is an actual human being, rather than a drug-addled, paranoid fugue state. I hope that Mr. Busey and his girlfriend are very happy. I hope that they raise their young son into a thoughtful and engaged young man, sensitive and curious to the world around him. It’s still possible! But, considering who his father is, his father might need some advice. So, Gary Busey, as you attempt to teach your baby the ways of the world, here are some parenting tips:
Wash your baby with soap and warm water, don’t take him out onto the deck and hose him down while shouting something incoherent about the Civil War
Feed your baby his mother’s milk, and eventually wean him onto baby food. Do not shove oil soaked rags and loose change down his throat while barking like a dog.
When trying to put your baby to sleep, sing gently to him, or tell him stories in a soft voice, don’t spend three hours lecturing him in an ever increasingly violent frenzy about the long-standing Russian conflict with the aliens.
If your baby begins to teeth, get him a teething ring. Some people advocate soaking a rag in wine to help numb the baby’s sore gums. In any case, don’t force him to clamp his jaws around your nipple while insisting that men belong in the forest and can make their own medicine.
Give your baby safe toys that will help him developmentally. Some things that are not toys: swords, power tools, “disarmed” grenades/land mines, cans of WD-40, Euros, live fish.
This might go without saying, but don’t drive your baby out to an abandoned copper mine and leave him there with nothing but a rope, a pocket knife, and a piece of peyote wrapped in saran wrap. Don’t do that, Gary Busey, no matter how much you think it’s the right thing to do.
Good luck, Gary Busey. And EXTRA good luck to Luke Busey. (Photo via Dlisted.)
Photos
The most horrifying blog post title I’ve read all week.
Also, teach your baby not to grow up and star in awful films where he plays a green electric violin and kills giant space bugs.
Jake Busey is not amused.
This should be a meme.
HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH STARSHIP TROOPERS! BURN THE HERETIC!
Just kidding. That movie is awful. But I love it. There. I said it.
It is not awful and I love it, too! I actually own all THREE Starship Troopers movies (I do not recommend numbers 2 or 3 to anyone). Stand proud, suburban commando. Stand proud.
From the photo, I think Gary Busey’s stance on teething rings are pretty clear?
He’s so cute when he smiles!
Gary Busey thinks teething rings are loose affiliations of dentifrice smugglers.
I was so excited for this post until I realized I mistakenly read “for” as “from.”
First thing you gotta do when the baby comes is check to make sure it isn’t a cyborg. You can do this by putting your finger in its mouth and feeling for wires.
Babies get very hungry at night because they have been programed by coporations to devour the souls of those around them. They do this by waiting until you are asleep and then sucking your soul out through your nostrils. To prevent this, put cotton in your nose and sleep with broken glass on the floor around you. Babies can only fly on Saturdays.
Never leave a baby in the house alone. Always make sure there are several possums to watch over it and make sure the possums have your cell phone number in case anything “goes wrong.”
Babies come from China, so when you first get it home, make sure it doesn’t contain lead and never put one in your mouth.
By the age of two, a child knows everything about you, including your credit card numbers, and is in communication with the communist shadow government of Ultima Thule. The best way to test a child’s loyalty is to wake it up each night, on the hour, by running into its room, screaming and wearing a black robe. Spray the child with (fake) blood and flash the lights. After a few nights, the child’s defenses will be down and you can find out whose side it is on.
Never carry a child in your stomach pouch. That is only for adult women.
The Best, ZOMG
Agreed. Very informative.
I declare this a new twitter game #buseyparentingtips.
When I get off from work and can visit twitter, I expect y’all will have made this a phenomenon.
Can we just adopt the baby out to a nice couple who aren’t famous or insane, like, now, before Gary Busey and whatever lunatic thought it was a good idea to have a child with him do any permanent damage to that tiny person?
I am mainly worried about this kid’s endocrine system.
I also hope/pray that they didn’t nickname him butthorn. But they probably nicknamed him butthorn, sigh.
He is so old! This is like Sigourney Weaver having a baby! He’ll be dead before that kid’s in college…
Don’t leave a baby anywhere!
GET OUT OF THERE!
Why doesn’t this have more upvotes? Eugene, People!
I was disappointed to learn that his twitter account was fake. Similarly disappointed that this is not fake.
God help that child.
The ET photo is actually doctored, the original is far worse than we could have imagined.
Hyper-real:
YOU LIE
I can’t tell if Gary Busey is trying to assimilate with his baby or if he just superglued it to his forehead to make sure it’s not sneaking around behind his back. Neither thought disturbs me less.
Happy Mother’s Day, Gary Busey!
What?
Dear God. It looks like one of our men has been captured behind enemy lines.
I’m going to need some volunteers for what may be a suicide mission. It will be dangerous, but we can’t leave Notsewfast behind.
Can’t we just tell him to get out of there and call it a day?
You hurt one of them, Busey ,you burn up any currency you have with me. They’re all I care about.
He’s (Busey) got company.
On the bright side, when the baby grows up and is inevitably crippled in some Gary Busey-related activity, his old man can fix him up a f*cking sweet wheelchair that he can use to escape the werewolves created in yet another Gary-Busey related activity.
#coreyhaim4ever
hahahaha that link just got me fired
(Everyone knows this Corn Mo song, right?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j244DN-09Wo
HEY GUYS LET’S GET GARY BUSEY TO HOST SNL LOL HE’S SO INTERNET
“That’s so internet.”
hey everyone, i’m luke busey.
i just wanted to let you all know that i fully intend to eat your pets as soon as i am able to walk.
[IMG]http://i249.photobucket.com/albums/gg226/valarie_wood/Gary_Busey_-_The_Mung_Pie.jpg[/IMG]