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Tyra Banks ran through the forest swiftly, barely even stopping to smell the dirt under her bare feet or eat any of the berries off of the bushes that were scratching her bare legs. She was too busy having the madness! There was foam pouring from her mouth. Rabies foam! She was infested with rabies, her whole body. Her eyes were bloodshot and her lips were ringed with the viscera of the animals she had attacked in the night. She let out a savage, animalistic shriek that echoed through the forest. In its wake, you could hear the panicked scampering of the forest creatures. They wanted to get away from her! She was dangerous!
“I HAVE THE RABIES!” Tyra screamed.
Of course, there was a time when Tyra Banks didn’t have rabies. She used to be a beautiful human being. Stupid, yes. Incredibly stupid. Probably a jerk, too. Almost definitely a jerk. But a physically beautiful human being with a talk show and without rabies. But now she had rabies. Before, she would eat in restaurants, and sleep in a human bed. Now she ran through the forest attacking things, and she slept in a swamp. (The swamp is next to the forest, everyone knows that.)
Tyra Banks ate a squirrel raw.
Farmers swarmed the forest with their shotguns. They wanted to put down this wild animal! They also wanted to see a celebrity! There was not a lot to do in the town near the forest. Most of their time was spent drinking and arguing with their wives and then drinking some more with friends and complaining about the arguments. It wasn’t a bad life, but everyone likes a little excitement from time to time.
“Be careful,” one of the farmers said. “Don’t let her bite you.”
“I’d let her bite me if she wanted,” one of the farmers said. The other farmers laughed. The farmer who made the joke thought about the story he could tell if Tyra Banks were to bite him. It was the kind of story that made a man. He could picture himself down at the bar, or at the factory, or at the bowling alley, other guys gathered around him. Many of them would have already heard it, but they’d be eager for him to tell again of the time that Tyra Banks, dripping with rabies, bit him on the arm (or maybe the face!!!). Of course, the story would be harder and harder to tell as the rabies seized control of his faculties and drove him into a violent rage. But maybe, he thought, maybe he could just move into the forest and have rabies with Tyra Banks. They would run through the forest screaming and biting together. Maybe a rabbit would marry them.
Just then, a shot rang out through the forest. Birds flew from the trees, and the blast echoed for what felt like an eternity. And then a silence fell over the forest, and hung there like a shroud. It was only broken by the sandpaper voice of one of the hunters.
“Got her,” he said.
“Well,” the one farmer thought, smiling to himself but actually feeling a little sad in ways that surprised him. “I guess I’m not going to get forest-married to a rabies-infected Tyra Banks by some tiny woodland creature in a perfectly fitted animal tuxedo today.” And then he sighed, tasting the morning’s whiskey on his own breath.
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This story conjured up all sorts of visuals for me- Namely, The Green Mile hunting party, that Radiouhead video with all the woodland creatures and Thom Yorke turning into a tree at the end, and Chuck Palahniuk’s book “Rant”.
Can we say that later, the farmer who was fantasizing about marrying Tyra sat his wife down at their kitchen table and told her about his fantasy, and his wife called him a “stupid bitch” who has “thrown it all away”? And then the farmer left to become a receptionist at NYC?
Is you relly ate a raw sqwerl?
DAMNIT Great minds, I guess.
Upvotes for both of you!
“Is you relly a sqwerl? NOM NOM” – Tyra Banks
This is exactly how they took down Anne Heche back in aught-six.
Haha I thought this said “Anime Heche”. Imagine Anime Heche. ahaha
This is me wanting to see tiny woodland creatures in tuxedos.
Hi fellow pizza-phile!
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_5aXKw52fnMg/SwYhblNrAwI/AAAAAAAAABc/a5gfg2gaAPE/s400/racoon1.bmp
Raccoons are like the George Clooney of the forest. ABLGIAT. (Always Be Looking Good In A Tuxedo.)
Well, what’re the odds, ‘ello!
You’re doing the Lord’s work.
You have one (1) pending friend request from: Well-Dressed Koala
Well-Dressed Koala looks like he beats his wife.
He certainly does have quite the smoldering glare, doesn’t he. Businessman Squirrel seems a little more inviting.
Just the other day, I realized that Tyra Banks is just a sad imitation of the glory that is RuPaul.
Yes, but did RuPaul ever eat a squirrel?
My mom told me rabies happen when two people really love each other and want to express that love and then the stork comes. If all you have to do is bite someone then I want to make rabies. We’d be the perfect family, Mr. & Mrs. Steve Winwood and our little raby.
How is rabby formed?
You have to be able to read the Talmud and the Mishnah.
Totally was going to do that joke! Welcome to my brain, Pat M, drinks are on the house.
Well he is a mythical animatronic woodland creature.
What’s going on with that kid’s left hand?
Tyra bit it off.
Sorry meaverly
Tyrabies (TM) bit him, and then ranted about how awesome vaseline and how today’s rabies-infected models have it so much easier than she does
Gabe, don’t get me wrong this is a beautiful story with a beautiful message
but I gotta masturbate at least once DAMN!
(sorry)
I was kind of upset that she didn’t turn into a TYRAnnosaurus Rex.
#someonehadto?
haha aww I liked it, mfburghoff
I haven’t read this yet, but based on the picture, I’m assuming it’s about Tyra getting fisted by a young child. Am I close?
Also the child is a giant.
I was pretty close!
at least we can pinpoint when she contracted rabies.
I … can’t …look…away….
was this on her show?
what a freak. sadly she will never be oprah.
One time I a whole squirrel.
That poor squirrel just didn’t smize enough.
Couldn’t believe the Aug 9Th show,where contestants ate worms for money! And then the black girl and white girl, had to eat bacon and tyra gave all the money to the black girl,i would not have believed that tyra would be that unfair but in my opinion,that’s what i witnessed on this show! I love Tyra and watch her show near daily,but that cut into my faith in people! Still love you Tyra but i will have to consider If i will continue to be a fan,if i missed something,please forgive me. Sure would like to have my faith restored.
A big fan…..??
By the way the story is corny! Tyra with rabies,INDEED!