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Remember that stupid fake melt-down Joaquin Phoenix was having that one time? And how every time he did something else that was so stupid and so fake, Casey Affleck would be there with a camera? And how it turned out that Casey Affleck was making a whole movie about how stupid and fake Joaquin Phoenix was being? And then it was like, well, wait, are they making a movie BECAUSE he’s being stupid and fake, or is he being stupid and fake FOR the movie? And how it was almost certainly the latter but who ever knows what’s what in this world? Well, the movie is done. From DeadlineHollywood:
Casey Affleck has completed that much-talked about and long-awaited mockumentary he directed about his brother-in-law Joaquin Phoenix’s eccentric metamorphosis from actor to hip-hop musician (or so we’ve been led to believe). I’m told that the film made its debut in a private lunchtime screening at WME headquarters last week for buyers — including Harvey Weinstein — who were sworn to secrecy. WME is selling the film, and it may only take a couple of days to reach a deal.
Wait, WE should buy this movie!
If we all pooled our money together…OK, if we all pooled our money together, we probably wouldn’t have enough to buy this movie. But if we all pooled our money together, LET’S PRETEND WE COULD BUY THIS MOVIE! We are already facing an uphill battle what with not having been invited to the buyers’ luncheon, and also the aforementioned lack of money, and I think a lot of you are in high school and we would need your parents’ permission if we were actually going to start a small film distribution company together, but darker horses have come from further behind (GROSSSSS) in the past. No, this is a good idea. We should definitely do this real idea. We should pool all our money and buy this movie. And then we should set it on fire before anyone else watches it. Because fuck this movie. (Thanks for the tip, Amanda.)
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We could probably do it if we cash out our LOLk accounts. The dollar is weak against the LOL this week, so now would be a good time.
LOL up 4 pct against the dollar
WASHINGTON, May 6 (Reuters) – The LOL is seeing a 14-month high this week at 1.28 to the dollar, with a 4 percent increase from last week. The uptick has been credited largely to President Barack Obama’s speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and the LOL remained strong despite worries surrounding Jay Leno’s appearance that same night.
With investment in the laughter industry at an all-time high, Chortle Default Swaps are the hot new commodity on LOL Street. Some economists have expressed concern about a LOL bubble that they warn may not survive the summer if toxic assets such as “Marmaduke” and “Sex and the City 2: Sex and the Citier” continue to be traded without regulation. Others, however, point to Conan O’Brien’s “The Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour” and the Apatow-produced “Get Him To The Greek ” as signs that the LOL is sound, some even insisting that it might achieve parity with the dollar in mid-to-late July.
When asked about the issue, Senator John McCain assured the nation that “the fundamentals of our comedy are strong.”
I LOVE you.
well said, and as promised, politically neutral.
I cannot upvote you enough. Get me a new mouse. Seriously, this one’s spent.
Lord have mercy–how I wish I’d written that. From now on this will be known as “the best comment ever.”
I just sent an email to my accountant instructing him to cash out my 401k. So I am good for about $12.00.
This is your accountant:
Fuck this movie that I know absolutely nothing about.
“…and I think a lot of you are in high school…”
And suddenly, I feel the need to reevaluate my goals.
Now, now Gabe, I’m not falling for another one of your multi-level marketing rackets again… I have 83 pounds of Chinese prime rib sitting in my freezer that I know I’m never going to be able to sell.
Fool me once, shame on you…
Are they steaks made from Gabes?
How did you get money, you’re a baby, no one will open a bank account for a baby
In West Virginia they will.
I dunno about that but in West Virginia there IS a chain of terrifying discount stores called Gabriel Brothers which is popularly known as “Gabe’s.” At first I thought maybe that’s what was going on with these steaks.
In fact, here is the exact one I used to go to with my mom:
I love discount stores. My family used to go to Heck’s, Rose’s, Big K, Circle K, and Big Lots (not to mention K Mart, Wal-Mart, Super Wal-Mart, and Wal-Mart SuperCenter). Now end up at Ollie’s with my in-laws.
The totally lawless toy departments are the best:
Granted, they will create a bank account for a baby in West Virginia, but all you’re allowed to put in it is 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew.
You can’t deposit any Code Red until you are 16.
Please, Lord, do not let anyone post a photo of Mountain Dew Mouth on here.
i google “mountain dew mouth” and now i feel like west needs to apologize for bringing it up.
samesies.
18 months ago, Chase would approve anybody for a high-interest credit card. That’s how I paid my way through Baby Einstein’s guide to the internet.
That photo in the article is my Facebook photo. I have not checked or updated Facebook in over a year and I like to think ppl see that photo and think I too have turned into some bearded recluse, never to be seen again (much to everyone’s benefit).
I do think there’s a lot of Monsters in high school, but I will also say that you guys can’t absolutely PROVE that I, myself, am not Harvey Weinstein. Mysteries are all around us.
Fucking film distribution, how does it work?
Color me Team Not-in-High-School.
Color me been to college, got married, had a baby, got divorced. YIKES. I am so depressed…..
UGH THIS is fuckin STUPID. SERIOUSLY, how does SOMEONE SPEND so much TIME AND effort pretending TO BE SOME fuckin CHARACTER THEY are obviously NOT?
I think maybe I almost see what you are doing here…
I owe you a coke?
i see what you did there
Are you talking about Joaquin Phoenix or yourself?
Some folks know how to run the game.
Fame is a Rick Reuben beard that eats into the face
or Rubin, I guess
Rick Reuben famously had a beard of delicious sandwiches that he ate WITH his mouth.
and made with his feet.
????
LOL! WUT???
Only if we digitally replace Phoenix with someone actually good at doing this sort of thing. And while we’re at it, let’s do the same to all of his movies…
A FUCKIN Winner IS YOU, my friend.
Zach Galifinakis IS Joaquin Phoenix
Joaquin Phoenix IS Matisyahu
Matisyahu IS Cat Stevens
Cat Stevens IS Wayne Coyne
Wayne Coyne IS Adam Goldberg
Cat Stevens IS Yusef Islam.
in conclusion…
Zach Galifinakis IS Adam Goldberg
great work everyone. hit the showers.
“The Pageant King Without a Crown”
But…but maybe they did make the movie BECAUSE he’s being stupid and fake. Joaquin Phoenix (real person) playing “Joaquin Phoenix” (pretend stupid/fake actor) playing ‘Joaquin Phoenix’ (pretend crazy person). Most of the movie would just be him walking though a hall of mirrors.
…WHO…AM I?
sssshhhhhh that’s Charlie Kaufman’s next project, you weren’t supposed to tell, also at some point Joaquin is played by Renee Zellweger wearing a fake beard
I thought we were thru with this guy.
I wish both these guys would take a long “Joaq” outside Phoenix, and get Gerry’d with each other in the desert.
I have $3.14 and a button.
I have some pocket lint and a coupon to Arby’s. Take my coupon, please.
Okay, Joaquin, Casey, first of all, GREAT JOB, I think you’ve really done something you can be proud of. But now that my consortium of investors and I are releasing this film, we wonder if we could talk you into making a few little changes in post. See, we bought the rights to this other franchise, and we were thinking maybe we could kill two birds with one stone here, and maybe make a little bit of box office magic while we’re at it. Hear me out, now, hear me out:
See, I wonder if we could add another subplot, with some reshoots and maybe some creative editing, just a little CGI, about you being stalked by a killer robot from the future. See, in the future, the robots are going to rise up and—
No, no, no, don’t interrupt, see, that’s the thing, it wouldn’t be a “Terminator ripoff,” it would actually be the Terminator. Yeah, that’s the franchise, see me and Gabe and the monsters, I mean investors, we—no, okay, that’s fair, it is a little late for a callback on that. No, it’s really not that funny at this point, is it. Yeah, no, I see where you’re coming from. Well, I mean still, why don’t you boys sleep on it, let’s talk this over some more. Okay, I gotta go, I’m getting a ring in, I’ll talk to you guys soon, ok bye bye.
I have… some organs. Those are worth money, right?
Jude Law is more than welcome to my sex organs.
Why buy a movie about an actor pretending to be really bad at music when we can have all sorts of Real Housewives being bad at music for free?
this is going to be such a massive hit that i’m going to skip investing in it and start funding my own low-budget knockoff about a guy who is an honest-to-goodness fat, bearded loser who is bad at rapping. and then as a lark (joke’s on you, IDIOTS!), he decides to shave and become the kind-of famous brother of a famous guy, and he gets the kind-of famous brother of a famous guy to film him (me, starring) but the joke’s on you because i wasn’t really trying to be a kind-of famous sibling, i was only PRETENDING to try to be a kind-of famous actor sibling. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE, DUMMY! it’s about the nature of celebrity and how gullible you are, you stupid assholes.
I don’t really care that much, but Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck are brother-in-laws? huh.
According to wikipedia, Casey Affleck and Summer Phoenix have two sons, Indiana and Atticus. I look forward to hearing about all the Nazis and bigoted Southerners those kids beat up.
I’m having trouble understanding why this is pissing everyone off so much. At the very least, it’s 95% more interesting than most celebrities’ attention-whoring strategies. (Heidi Montag: Ugh, my triple F boobs are so SMALL. I need bigger ones!!!)
“You’ve just been Nick Madsoned.”- Joaquin Phoenix, to Ke$ha
Comedy Central’s Nick Madsoned*
Looks like it’s time to cash in all my Cokebucks from when I ran for Pepsi Congress.
I am so excited about this project that I am going to give up my day job and become a fake rapper to raise money to fund the project!