Photos
Ed. note: Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.
WHOOPISES, hope everyone took a shot of insulin for breakfast, because Mommy is SWEET on this episode of Glee y’all! And, what’s weird is this shit broke two of my cardinal rules for Glee goodness: current pop music only and shut up Schue. But, rules were meant to be broken, hearts were meant to be melted, dreams were meant to cum true, and Glee was meant to amazing (amazing= camptarded, saccharine, homosexual garbage repurposed for mass consumption with a couple funny lines and a song or two I’ve forgotten to listen to for 27 years and might still hate but now I’m brainwashed, so who knows). Also: Rachel got a break from being Holocausted for a week, which is nice.
The episode started off with Sue demanding that Mercedes lose a thousand pounds in a week, because some reporter is coming to McKinley to do a story on her coaching perfectness for a cheerleading magazine. See, Mercedes is too beautiful to fit into her new Cheerios costume, and has opted to wear a Cheerios top with track pants (“I’m just worried about showing too much skin and starting a sex riot”). Sue’s not having that shit, and puts Mercedes on her own special Master Cleanse—the same Master Cleanse you’ve read about online with chili powder and lemon juice, only Sue adds Ipecac, so bitches don’t keep it down. Class. Sound gross and abusive? Britney has a suggestion from Heaven: “sometimes I add sand,” which reminds me of one of my VERY FAVORITE jokes evsies (@ 0:51, “Dust? Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody?”):
Sue’s got the auditorium on lockdown for her Cheerios to rehearse all week—those bulimic cheer-monsters better be perfect by the time the reporter comes on Friday. So, Schue and the Gleetards are shit-out-of-luck in the rehearsal space department (and the personality department, but that’s a different post altogether). Those dorks are gonna have to find somewhere else to rehearse their imagination-singing-with-full-on-production-value, so Schue takes his helmet to the streets in search of a queer-friendly padded room with handicapped-accessible toilets.
Schue dorks his way into a roller rink in town where OMG April “Kristin Chenoweth as Jerri Blank” Rhodes just happens to be the drunk whore in charge. Schue tells April about his Gleedicament, and also that he’s single, and also that he needs a subletter to take over his “apartment” (why does he keep calling his suburban split-level HOUSE an apartment?), and April tells him that she’s fucking a 1,000,000 year old millionaire. Then, they skate around singing “Fire” by Bruce Springsteen (but if you’re anything like me, you know this as a song by The Pointer Sisters and The Pointer Sisters ONLY):
And now for the REAL VERSION:
Now, you know how much it pains me, right to the balls of my heart’s junk, to say this: but Schue fucking nailed the living shit out of that song. Ugh, his the-worstness took a major vacation during this week’s recording sessions, and it turns out that when you don’t make him rap or dance like he’s horny and proud of his horniness, Schue is pretty much the best male vocalist in history (sorry George Michael (call me)). His helmet looks like Pauly D’s. Ah, now I feel better.
Kurt’s set his dad (from Nickelodeon’s Guts) up with Finn’s mom, because they are both single due to spousal death. Seems like a sweet and caring move, until it’s revealed that this whole romance is just a pawn in Kurt’s epic homo-crush on Finn, who is a chimp. Kurt’s big plan is to have his dad fall in <3 with Finn’s mom, then get to move in with Finn, share a room, and live out an extended taboo incest roleplay for years and years and years against Finn’s will (H.O.T.). I knew I loved that kid.
Finn’s not so ready to move on from his dad’s ghost, but Kurt figures he just needs a little convincing. So, in front of the whole Glee Club, Kurt soprano-queefs “A House is Not a Home” by Dionne Warwick (and popularized by Luther Vandross) right into Finn’s ape mug, maintaining 100% eye contact the entire time. The other Gleetards are like “whaaaaaaaaaa?” but Finn’s moved as fuck, and even sings a bar or two in his imagination to his dad’s favorite leather chair. When this shit was happening on my TV, my jaw was on the floor, and then all the drool in my face welled up in the bottom part of it, and the weight of that drool and jawbone crashed through my hardwood floor, and ended up in the basement, and then my eyes bugged out and broke the windows, and my heart stopped, and my brain had an orgasm, and all my neighbors decided to move back to their hometowns, and my landlord called and said I owed her another security deposit and that I had to move out and go to jail. This number was absolutely the most avant garde, insanely homosexual, cinematic, self-aware, Broadway-esque number in Gleestory to date. I literally can’t believe it aired. Kids are gonna start coming out of the closet in 2nd grade. Senators are gonna start 69ing on the Senate floor (instead of the men’s room). Gay marriage is legal. Matt Damon’s gonna call me and be like “I love you the way you love The Bourne Supremacy. Shit’s gonna HAPPEN. Hulu was too chicken shit to put it online, so here’s the pirated audio (even Finn’s part is gr8):
The number ended with a glamour shot of Kurt crying a single tear. Beat that shit, the rest of TV.
April decides she wants to sublet Schue’s “apartment,” but first she wants to test it out and “get to know the ghosts.” So, she comes over for a slumber party with Schue, and no doyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy, they end up singing a mashup of “One Less Bell to Answer” by The 5th Dimension and “A House is Not a Home” and then sleeping together but not fucking. The song was pretty chronic, and again, Schue sounded great!
Almost as great as this version of the exact same mashup from a Burt Bacharach special with Barbra Streisand singing the duet by HERSELF:
Kurt, Finn, and their single parents go out to dinner, to try out being a family before the big move-in. Finn’s a little grumpy, until the dude from Guts talks to him about sports, and he’s like “MONKEY LIKE SPORTS.” Kurt throws a cunt-fit out of attention-jealousy, and decides he doesn’t want his dad to go through with it after all, even if that means he’ll never get to give his brother a secret blowjob in his sleep like he’s always wanted to.
Mercedes’ starvation experiment has made her delirious with cake-wanting, and during lunch, she hallucinates that her friends are delicious food, Bugs Bunny style, and then passes the fuck out.
In the nurse’s office, Quinn, whose baby I literally can’t remember what happened to, comes and tells her about the fucked-up-ness of anorexia. I <3 Quinn, let’s give that bitch a number, yeah? I know she was a little over-exposed in the first half of this bizarre double-season, but, the girl is good, and you’re already blowing 80% of your budget on her eyelash weaves, so why not make good on your investment? Anyway, Quinn tells Mercedes that she’s beautiful just the way she is, and that anorexia is for assholes. Then I cried a tiny bit, but pretended it was something wrong with my contacts, even though I’ve never worn contacts.
Schue convinces April that she’s too good to be fucking the old billionaire she’s fucking, and Kurt convinces Finn to try and break their parents up. April’s like “you’re right” and Finn’s like “me swing in tree.” Finn’s mom is NOT impressed by his desire to keep her miserable for life, and serves him some truth-emotion about how she needs to move on from her dead husband and be happy. Poor woman admits to taking the urn of her hubby’s ashes to bed with her every night for the last 16 years (KINKY), and ends up playing the whole confrontation super sad and desperate, instead of empowered and fuck-you-y. It was weird and good. Bravo!
The reporter shows up to do a piece on Sue, and turns out to be a hard-nosed Pulitzer runner-up who just happens to freelance for Splits Magazine (CUT! TOO REALISTIC!). She’s all worried that Mercedes’ fatness is going to ruin her rep, but when Mercedes strolls out to start the big pep rally and breaks into “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera with the ENTIRE SCHOOL singing backup, well, the reporter is impressed as fuck and gives Sue all the credit for being so PC and love-y. Mercedes’ number is NO DOY incredible and perfect, predictable a song choice as it is: her voice is SHARP and CLEAR and POWERFUL and VIRTUOSIC. Christina’s voice is all those things too (no doubt), but it has such a different quality to it, and I don’t have the musical knowledge to describe it in correct terminology. So, here’s how I’ll put it: Mercedes’ voice is a katana, Christina’s voice is a baseball bat, and they’ll both fuck you up MAJORLY, but in different ways. Take a listen:
Also, since you love mashups so much, Glee, this woulda been a PERFECT opportunity to throw in some “Dirrty”—don’t plant the seed of a Mercedes-led sex riot in my idiot brain and NOT deliver. That is a hate crime.
Kurt’s dad Burt and Finn make peace by watching sports together, and Finn even tells Burt to sit in his dad’s favorite leather recliner, right next to his urn of ashes (H.O.T.). Kurt watches the whole thing through the picture window and sobs. LOLOLOLOLOL, c’mon!
April dumps her ancient fucktoy, and the shock of it gives him a stroke and he dies. He leaves her a couple milli in his will, so she buys the school auditorium and gives it to the Glee Club as a permanent rehearsal space. Then she says she’s moving to New York to follow her Broadway dreams of putting on an all-white production of The Wiz which is a fucked-up and genius joke, the end. Oh, no wait, then they all scream “Home” from The Wiz at the same time, led by April.
All in all, a triumphant return from last week’s Madonna-thon. I didn’t think an episode with so much Schue-singing and so much Burt Bacharach music (LIE! I love every song that asshole ever wrote) could be good. Instead, it was gr8 times a trillion. Suck it, taste-havers!!!!
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I’m so relieved, I fully expected hard Gabe to exact his revenge by making this week’s Glee re-cap a scene by scene analysis of an episode of Viva Laughlin.
Aww. This moment made me swoon. I think they’re the most functional couple on this show.
Aren’t they great? And they are being made series regulars for next season! Which means they will make more money, which is wonderful because Brittany should have All The Money.
Holy shit, lesbian cheerleader couple?? Are you f’real? I love this show!
[I don't actually watch Glee because I am much too macho, but really I love all the progressive queerness and how gay and fun it is.]
“In the last episode before we went to break, I said, “Sex is not dating,” and Brittany says, “If it were, Santana and I would be dating.” I asked director, Brad Falchuk, “Are we doing this because she doesn’t know what sex means, or did we in fact hook up?” He said, “Oh, no, you hooked up!” I was like, “OK!”"
OMG, Ian, where is that quote from?!?!?!?!
Brit + Santana = OTP
http://www.maxim.com/tv/articles/90986/my-first-time-naya-rivera.html
Don’t judge me
I was most impressed, after the Madonna/Girl Power! (ahem) episode, that this episode dealt with the girls so very well. That scene between Quinn and Mercedes killed me, Mercedes’ “Beautiful” made me sob and this sweet moment were the highlights for me.
There was some quote I saw somewhere that said they weren’t going anywhere with that coupling.
Last night’s LOST frikkin’ sucked!!!
I liked it, I thought the writers did a very good job of creating a deja vu feeling throughout the episode.
I forgot LOST it had so many songs on it, how Gleetarded of me. I had to watch Glee instead too. This is the first time I’ve been able to read the recap with any knowledge or opinion of the show and it wasn’t the worst!
Mike O’Malley’s baldness threw me for a loop. I know he has worn hats for a good portion of his life but I thought they were just part of his sporty aesthetic. I hope that Kurt and Finn have to climb up the Aggro-Crag as a final competition for Mike’s love and a glowing piece of that radical rock.
Do you have it? GUTS!!!
d-d-d-do you have it? HAIR!
He did have a marvelous head of hair.
Lately my favorite game to play with my 17-year old sister is “Do You Recognize This Person, Place, or Thing from my 90′s Childhood?” I’m going to test her knowledge of the Aggro-Crag and the significance of the phrase “Let’s go to Mo”.
(By the way, so far we have a Yes on Carson Daly, a No on Coolio.)
Sir, I would upvote you times infinity because “Let’s go to Mo” made me laugh so hard I for real almost ran out of air to fucking breath.
YOU THE BEST
This episode made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. That is all.
This episode made me cry multiple times.
I’m really looking forward to guzzling wine, singing along to ‘A House is Not a Home’ and weeping! It’s gonna be a hot Friday night!
It is a really super-duper fun way to pass the time, I can assure you!!
The lack of sex-riot was a crime against the entirety of humanity, there was more than just hatred for one group on that one.
The Pointer Sisters (whom I have long adored) are looking sharp in that video. Fashion!
I can’t BELIEVE my DVR cut this episode off before I got to hear them sing “Home” from The Wiz! Stupid Time Warner, eat a bowl of dicks.
Kristin Chenoweth may look like Pam Anderson’s talented sister, but boy can she sang! I really loved last night’s ep. many tears Glee!
QUIT FALLING IN LOVE WITH STRAIGHT BOYS
MESOFT GABEKURT!!!I went through this exact same thought process.
Also the Chatters HATED IT…but after reading Soft Gabe’s post which I knew he’d love (Called it!) i hate it less.
To Sum Up: NEEDED MORE ROLLER SKATING! i am totally gay for roller skates. #truestory.
They needed more roller-rink appropriate music too, I think the real reason it hemorrhaged money is no one wants to skate to Carrie Underwood
No kidding. Get some Ne-Yo in here!
I cannot tell a lie. I love Ne-Yo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p02DgHeGdyI
I used to ROLLER BLADE (fail) to this song ALL THE TIME in High School.
I think it’s super sexy: Yeah? You’ve got a brand new key? Sure, we can get together. Yeah…I know a place. *WINK* #subtle
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downvote. roller skating 4life!
But have you actually seen Xanadu? Olivia Newton John took a serious step down from Grease for that one.
Um, have *you* seen Xanadu? Because it is the most wonderful neon-lit roller-skating acid-trip Steven Brule for-your-health orgasm of an experience that I’ve ever had. Probably.
Fuck yes! Quad skates up in this bitch!!
This has been my favorite so far of Season 1.5. I didn’t necessarily dislike the last two, but let’s just say that I didn’t really like them. But I loved this episode. So much so that I actually typed the word ‘loved’ in all caps, thought about reputation for a bit, deleted it, and typed it in lowercase letters. It would have looked like this: LOVED.
Even though I cracked my head open yesterday and it’s STILL BLEEDING (fuck me), this had me gleefully (get it?) rolling on the floor in a strange mix of pain and pleasure. Thank you (?) Gabe.
Burt B. + KC = SUSPICIOUS!
Cross-promote much?
http://www.promisespromisesbroadway.com/
Rascals!
Hmm. Tricky, yes… but it means I get to hear KC sing, which is just fine with me!
“Suck it, taste-havers!!!!”
sums up my feelings on this show beautifully.
Maybe it’s because I’m still too close to the part of my personality that is Kurt’s sad, stunted need for affection, but the scenes in which he really obviously tries to warp reality until he gets to snuggle up to Finn are extraordinarily painful! The awkwardness
“Suck it, taste-havers!!!!”
sums up my feelings on this show beautifully.
Maybe it’s because I’m still too close to the part of my personality that is Kurt’s sad, malnourished need for affection, but the scenes in which he really obviously tries to warp reality until he gets to snuggle up to Finn are extraordinarily painful! The awkwardness actually wines like a dental drill!
LOL I CRIED AT “BEAUTIFUL”, I’M A DUMB BABY, WHATEVER Y’ALL, IGNITION REMIX OUT!
I really enjoyed this episode! It was nice and subdued after last week Madgestraveganza. And Quinn! Quinn, you are the best. I hope they let you speak more.
i am right with you, soft gabe! i totally was not expecting to like this episode. but now i actually understand why matthew morrison got a tony nomination for south pacific. mother fucker can sing! the whole season up to now, i’ve thought, “really? that guy? almost won a tony? for singing? are you sure?” now i get it! i still do not understand why one of my best friends thinks he’s super hott, but to be fair, i think she feels the same way about my taste in boys.
“absolute dreckitude. but here it works.” -andre leon talley [how much was everyone so excited that he is a judge on america's next top model this season??? he is pretty much the best. i flipped out a little bit when they announced it.]
Schue was also the male lead in the original Broadway cast of Hairspray. I can’t stand him on Glee, but the man’s got chops.
also I love Quinn but not as much as I love DIANNA AGRON, and when I went to the first soundtrack release signing (preemptive “SHUT UP”, I am an ex-theatre kid longing to tear the ex- from the front of that phrase and sing to it, HARD) she was SO SWEET.
I asked her about a movie she wrote and directed and she seemed really grateful I cared!!! also she loves animals and the same stupid indie rock music I do. DIANNA!~~
actually everyone was really great, even if they kind of had to hurry me along because I waited five hours (I KNOW OKAY?!) and there were still hundreds of people after me. haha. GLEE!
oh my god is it possible Dianna Agron is…my Justin Bieber???
1) Little Britain references – AUTOMATIC HAPPINESS
2) I really did not like this episode but soft Gabe did make me see another side to it. Perhaps I was too quick to hate on it.
3) Anyone else kind of hate when shows focus on the parents/adults? Like when I used to watch 90210 and they’d have an episode about Jim maybe cheating with his secretary and Cindy was all like “roh oh!” I would just be like zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz forever. Right?
I know exactly what you mean about 90210. Hello? Where is Luke Perry? Just the worst. But I loved last nights glee. I was thrown off by not seeing Rachel the entire time and only having like one line in the whole show. I still thought it was great and I LOVED the songs being old school pop music not including Beautiful which frankly X-tina makes me want to vom. Great episode all together!
The fact that Sue called the black reporter “Rerun” made me love her all the more. Also, more Becky please.
When this shit was happening on my TV, my jaw was on the floor, and then all the drool in my face welled up in the bottom part of it, and the weight of that drool and jawbone crashed through my hardwood floor, and ended up in the basement, and then my eyes bugged out and broke the windows, and my heart stopped, and my brain had an orgasm, and all my neighbors decided to move back to their hometowns, and my landlord called and said I owed her another security deposit and that I had to move out and go to jail. This number was absolutely the most avant garde, insanely homosexual, cinematic, self-aware, Broadway-esque number in Gleestory to date. I literally can’t believe it aired. Kids are gonna start coming out of the closet in 2nd grade. Senators are gonna start 69ing on the Senate floor (instead of the men’s room). Gay marriage is legal. Matt Damon’s gonna call me and be like “I love you the way you love The Bourne Supremacy. Shit’s gonna HAPPEN.
Soooo this made me laugh until I cried.
I was shocked SHOCKED at how much I enjoyed the “One Less Bell to Answer” duet. There’s something a little Dolly Parton-ish about Kristin Chenoweth.
I think we all agree Kurt and Mercedes SHOULD have a show on Bravo. Right?
when i read this:
“Fire” by Bruce Springsteen (but if you’re anything like me, you know this as a song by The Pointer Sisters and The Pointer Sisters ONLY)
i read it as “I’m on Fire” and totally freaked out. i am nothing like you! sob! that song is not by the pointer sisters! i love that song! why would you say that!
but it’s all okay now. yay pointer sisters.
“Gleedicament” is my favorite word now.
Also, I knew from the moment Kurt asked Finn for his opinion on swatches, he was going to get his little gay heart broken. I mean, swatches. SWATCHES. Come on, Kurt!
Okay. The above comment is me, but I never connected my Facebook to my name. Great.
Oh well, at least everyone can see my awesome lumberjack Halloween costume.
I only watch this show for Becky but Rachel’s cupcake outfit reminds me of
FUCK
Also FUCK I meant Brittany. I’m the worst, everyone.
Well, this whole thing made me laugh, so I upvoted you.