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Oh, good morning. Jenny comes out into the kitchen wearing nothing but a man’s oxford shirt. Nate offers to make pancakes. WHAT IS THIS? I guess Jenny just slept over. At Chuck’s penthouse apartment. You know, my favorite thing about this show I remembered last night is that these people all graduated from high school LESS THAN ONE YEAR AGO. Do you remember where you were 9 months after graduating from high school? Let me remind you: you had just finished up your affair with a congressman, and were happily living in the hotel that you had rescued from the clutches of your long-dead mother after giving up your momentary dalliance in dealing drugs to the children of foreign dignitaries. But enough reminiscing, you’re going to be late to the party being thrown in someone’s honor or maybe it is for charity but everyone is definitely going to be there, including your parents. Especially your parents.
WHAT IS THIS SHOW?! Anyway, Nate leaves because Serena texted him, and Jenny is like, “pout,” and Chuck comes home drunk with some girls and tells Jenny how to trick Nate and Serena into breaking up so that she can have Nate to herself, because Chuck wants his friend back. Good friend! So Jenny takes the oxford shirt to make Serena jealous and I’m already exhausted. How far are we into this episode? Three minutes? Perfect.
Serena is in a limousine with Lily, and they are making jokes about love triangles. Suddenly, the limousine is blindsided by a dump truck and bursts into flames. The limousine spins in wild circles, and yet the circles are circumscribed and keep the vehicle just in front of the dump truck’s massive bumper, and the driver of the truck doesn’t bat an eye as he pushes the wreckage further and further, picking up speed as they rush towards the river. The dump truck driver cackles wildly as he drives the battered and broken limousine filled with smoke and the screams of Serena and Lily Van Der Woodsen Bass Humphrey into the river, plunging everyone into the murky depths. As they sink, Serena and Lily make one final joke to the effect of “how are we going to explain THIS ONE to Rufus,” as the weight of the dump truck settles on top of the limousine, collapsing the roof, and rendering everyone inside to a thick paste.
Blair has tried to organize some kind of suitors event at her mom’s house where she lives alone and also some times Serena lives I guess (and meanwhile Dan is just living constantly in the Brooklyn apartment which it turns out they clearly could have sold to pay for his Yale tuition and what is even the value of New York real estate in this make-believe world since everyone has at least three spare apartments depending on who needs to secretly fuck who or petulantly take a break from what marriage) but no one shows up and Blair knows that Chuck has put out a fatwa on her love life. Right. Definitely a good use of the word fatwa. If you go to the Merriam Webster website, “a legal opinion or decree handed down by an Islamic religious leader” has a strikethrough, and has been replaced by “the thing Chuck does to Blair’s lovelife after they break up because of the thing with Jack.”
Gooooood faces!
Dan didn’t get into his creative writing program. But Vanessa did get into his creative writing program. Something happens, I think, but no one cares about Dan and Vanessa. Although, this girl is definitely your girlfriend:
And the Gossip Girl Bushwick party is definitely your party.
Blair is also at the Buswhick party (no she’s not) and meets a guy who offers to help make Chuck jealous, because he is also at the Bushwick party (no he’s not), but Blair realizes that the only way she’s going to move forward is to believe in herself. It is a rare moment of emotional maturity for a character on this show. Next week: Blair manipulates one of her best friends into doing something to the detriment of her own family because handbags. Chuck is like: “acting sad face.”
Oh, I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned it yet: LILY HAS CANCER! And was married to Alec Baldwin’s Portrait of Dorian Gray!
Her big secret is that she has been going to Palm Springs to be treated by Billy Baldwin, her ex-husband and longtime romantic rival to her current husband, for her unnamed “cancer.” Sure. I mean, it just makes sense. A billionaire Manhattan socialite would definitely travel halfway across the country on a regular basis to the possible destruction of her marriage to get medical treatment from the ex-husband who fathered her children, because as we all know, there is absolutely no decent medical treatment available in New York City and especially not if you have so much money. She would have loved to have stayed with her family and not lied to her husband and gotten medical treatment within a taxi-ride of her favorite brunch spot, but it simply wasn’t realistic. Palm Springs, here Lily comes!
Fucking nonsense.
Of course, Billy Baldwin is evil. Of course. He is going to increase Lily’s medications to win her back because if there is one thing that brings families together, it is fake cancer and high doses of WHAT ON EARTH? Suddenly, a dump truck blindsides Billy Baldwin…
My favorite part of the whole episode, though, was the Serena-Nate-Jenny love triangle, because, um, aren’t Serena and Jenny stepsisters now? Yes. Serena and Jenny are stepsisters. So, sure, Jenny tries to make Serena jealous, and Nate is getting frustrated with Serena’s secrets, and Serena is angry at everyone because she is a selfish cunt whose selfish cuntiness has the weight of a collapsed sun, it is a blackhole of selfish cuntiness, but at any point the whole issue could have been put to rest by any of the three of them pointing out that Serena and Jenny are stepsisters. “Hey, we live in the same house and share parents now,” either of them could have said. Or, “Hey, you live in the same house and share parents now,” Nate could have said. The end. Because gross.
Next week: WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER DUMP TRUCK OR AT LEAST A FLEET OF THEM.
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The best part of the episode was when that one girl Willa (the one who is my girlfriend) saw Jenny walk by and just said ‘Who is that slut?’ and America was like ‘Seriously.’
It was great that Dan didn’t even bother t correct her. Nice going brother.
Who expected more from Dan, the Lord Emperor of Judgmentaland? NOT ME. OH how I hate him, OH.
Great recap but the whole “because she is a selfish cunt whose selfish cuntiness has the weight of a collapsed sun, it is a blackhole of selfish cuntiness” was a bit much.
Is this a new covert drinking game? Do a shot ever time you write “cunt”?
say cunt as many times as blair said fatwa… gossip girl word of the day!
You said cunt more times in that comment than Gabe did in his WHOLE post. Remember, when you point the finger at someone you have a load more fingers pointing off in all sorts of directions and you could put someone’s eye out with that thing.
True, but this is also the second post in 2 days where he’s called a woman that. I just think Gabe is funny enough without relying “cunt” to get a shock/laugh or whatever he’s trying to do.
Gabe can spit vitriol sometimes.
Slow down with the C-word. You don’t want it to lose its punch.
On any other internet blog I would think the author is using starting to use cunt so much to generate comment traffic because of these back and forths that inevitably happen.
But here it always makes me laugh out loud.
as my little sister so wisely said to me earlier, “if it looks like a cunt and quacks like a cunt, it’s probably a cunt.”
cue the downvotes for the gender-neutral pronoun that indicates that i think women are worth so little they don’t even get a “she.” but remember, it’s my sister that holds that opinion. [i love you, pinko.]
To be fair though, Serena absolutely does not look like a cunt.
i love you too, dude.
i know i am a little late to all of this, but seriously. people need to stop getting so upset by words. because cunt is just a word. a rather fun one to say, in my opinion. if you do have a problem with the word cunt, i would highly recommend reading Inga Muscio’s Cunt: A Declaration of Independence. it is a little earth mother, goddess loving, which i totally understand if you are not into. if you are not interested in reading it, then here’s a little fun fact you would learn from it: the word “cunt” can be traced back to titles of respect for women or derivatives of the names of various godesses in india, china, ireland, rome, and egypt. the word “vagina” originates from a word meaning sheath for a sword.
“ain’t got no vagina.” -inga muscio, cunt: a declaration of independence
i also heartily recommend that book! it’s not necessarily my particular cup of tea. it’s a little too crunchy earth-mother for me, but i’ve read it twice, and it is just filled with things that we should all know and thoughts to provoke more thoughts.
plus, you get have a lovely sky blue and tangerine book on your shelf that says “cunt” in large white print on its spine. buy it today! put your money where your “c-word” is and support an intelligent and interesting feminist writer.
I see what you’re saying, and do partly agree with you. I’m all about reclaiming “cunt.” My sister Cathy even accidentally gave herself the nickname Cunty.
But Gabe didn’t use in the empowering, “take back the meaning” type of way, you know? And the fact that two posts within 24 hours both described woman as cunts rubs me the wrong way (yikes, no pun intended)
I’m not trying to make this debategum or GabeiswrongGum, but where’s that line between it’s ok to teasingly call your friend/sister that and someone calling a woman that with the negative meaning behind it?
I have a feeling Nick and Norah and the Gossip Girls met at the Gathering of the Worst
the real reason dan didn’t get in to the creative writing program is because none of his original material could ever compare to his charlie trout story.
“BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO CHARLIE TROUT?!”
–Tisch admissions
I (some how) forgot about Charlie Trout. Dan is just so dumb *shakes head*
I still get this show confused with gilmore girls
Low blow to Lorelai and Rory.
Also Billy Baldwin seemed to be coming onto Serena in every conversation. It’s her dad, so gross and prob not what the show is going for, but something about his voice sounded like he was seducing her.
maybe the fact that he said “why don’t we get out of here?” Baldwin shivers of disgust!
I’ve reached that level of Gossip Girl enjoyment when you no longer watch the show, you just read a recap. I guarantee that hearing about Blair & Chuck’s breakup from Gabe was more enjoyable than hearing about it from the whore’s* mouth.
Whores don’t deserve to be compared to half the things we compare them to.
There’s a show?
Question: did Nate and Jenny really sleep together? (I thought Jenny decided to not have sex or something)
They did not. Jenny even fails at being a total slut! Right now she just looks like one.
At some point I think that we are going to learn that every third episode corresponds to a different Sliding Doors / FlashSIdeways universe and that will explain why the characters appear not to have any sort of consistent behavior, character development, or medium-term memories.
Last night after finishing watching the episode with my roommate, we both turned to each other and said at the same time, “Why are we still watching this?!”
Then I realised that the only reason I still watch this nonsense is so I can read Gabe make fun of it the next day. Thank you, Gabe.
Darn I really hoped Stephen Baldwin was her Father
DONATE NOW (the worst)
He could use the work!