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So, you don’t think that the Movement to End Fake Rap is important? First they came for the Free Credit Report Advertisements and you said nothing. (Don’t worry, grandmama, that is definitely an appropriately used reference to one of the greatest human atrocities in history that deeply affected people in our family and left scars that may never heal across the face of the western world). Let me just give you a little taste of what the world is going to be like if we lose this fight (via TheAwl):
That may seem like a relatively benign (albeit super-crappy) rap-poem intended for Christians at a Christian seminar, so who cares, but it’s actually the first State of the Union Address from President Fake Rap if we don’t FIGHT BACK.
Of course, the only way to arm yourself is with guns and knives knowledge! Fully “lyrics” (or “poem words”?) after the jump:
If magic is all we’ve ever know
Then it’s easy to miss what really goes on
But I’ve seen miracles in every way
And I see miracles everyday
Oceans spanning beyond my sight
And a million stars way above em at night
We don’t have to be high to look in the sky
And know that’s a miracle opened wide
Look at the mountains, trees, the seven seas
And everything chilling underwater, please
Hot lava, snow, rain and fog
Long neck giraffes, and pet cats and dogs
And I’ve seen eighty-five thousand people
All in one room, together as equals
Pure magic is the birth of my kids
I’ve seen shit that’ll shock your eyelids
The sun and the moon, and even Mars
The Milky Way and fucking shooting stars
UFOs, a river flows
Plant a little seed and nature grows
Niagara falls and the pyramids
Everything you believed in as kids
Fucking rainbows after it rains
there’s enough miracles here to blow your brains
I fed a fish to a pelican at Frisco bay
It tried to eat my cell phone, he ran away
And music is magic, pure and clean
You can feel it and hear it but it can’t be seen
Music is all magic
(Are you a believer in miracles)
You can’t even hold it
(Do you notice and recognize miracles)
it’s just there in the air
(Are you a believer in miracles)
Pure motherfucking magic Right?
This shit’ll blow your fucking mind
(Do you notice and recognize miracles)
Music is a lot like love, it’s all a feeling
And it fills the room, from the floor to the ceiling
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/RFGe ]
I see miracles all around me
Stop and look around, it’s all astounding
Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist
Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed
Solar eclipse, and vicious weather
Fifteen thousand Juggalos together
And I love my mom for giving me this
Time on this planet, taking nothing for granted
I seen a caterpillar turn into a butterfly
Miracles ain’t nothing to lie
Shaggy’s little boys look just like Shaggy
And my little boy looks just like daddy
Miracles each and every where you look
And nobody has to stay where they put
This world is yours for you to explore
there’s nothing but miracles beyond your door
The Dark Carnival is your invitation
To witness that without explanation
Take a look at this fine creation
And enjoy it better with appreciation
Crows, ghosts, the midnight coast
The wonders of the world, mysteries the most
Just open your mind, and it ain’t no way
To ignore the miracles of every day
(Are you a believer in miracles)
Magic everywhere in this bitch
(Do you notice and recognize miracles)
it’s all around you, you don’t even know it
(Are you a believer in miracles) Shit’s crazy
(Do you notice and recognize miracles,
So many miracles, the magic miracles)
Are you a believer in miracles
Do you have time for the miracles
Do you notice and recognize miracles
So many miracles, the magic miracles
Are you a believer in miracles
Do you have time for the miracles
Do you notice and recognize miracles
So many miracles, the magic miracles
Are you a believer in miracles
Do you have time for the miracles
Do you notice and recognize miracles
So many miracles, the magic miracles
Are you a believer in miracles
Do you have time for the miracles
Do you notice and recognize miracles
So many miracles, the magic miracles
The world is at war! Choose a side!
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Hey guys! It’s Friday!
Work weeks, how do they work?
It’s time for http://videogum.com/chat/ !
Bummer. I think I am banned forever! Some jerkface kicked me.
try again–I don’t know what’s with the banning and it’s annoying. sorry.
werttrew, i just saw a piece on Tosh.0 about the N64 kid. Unlike most Tosh.0 pieces, it was actually funny/interesting to see him as a semi-adult!
Speaking of ICP, check this out. It’s a real gang awareness notice from a college campus up here in the NW:
http://media.bonnint.net/seattle/3/371/37184.pdf
Some heads remain caught in yogurt cups
Yo
My name is Steve Winwood
And I’m here to say
I hope you have a rap-arific day, friend
A-rip-rap-rippity-roooo
You spit hot fire.
It’s what I desire.
Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan may need to rethink their starting five.
Have you seen that show on CBS called ‘The Amazing Race’? Is that show about white people?
Also I feel like this is my mom with her random pop culture references and she seems like she’d forward me memes from 4 years ago
Wow, nice sense of rhythm, lady. If rap doesn’t work out for you I hear the Shaggs need a new drummer.
Ahh Miracles. Contains my favourite lyric ever “Fucking magnets, how do they work?”
ICP truly the voice of a generation.
Aw come on! Fine. If this doesn’t work, know that it’s a fake motivational poster of two magnets with the caption, “Working Magnets: How do they fuck?”
(And also the link is
, if you don’t believe me or something.)All right, I hate everything ever. Twice.
Captain Killjoke, signing out.
The OC’s been cancelled, like, forever ago. NEXT!
Why are the lyrics the longest thing ever written. I can’t even read the first four lines without getting bored and thinking about what I’m going to eat for dinner tonight…(I decided to go to Patty Burger IF you’re curious).
Do you guys see a video? All I see is:
I think Birdie tried her hand at html, she should stick to being cute and eating her feet from now on
I was going to say something too, it looks like html type software computer code things
this is where we make a “how does html work” joke. but, ok.
I believe we have a little number I like to call a “consensus” which is namely that Gabe should be fired
Sleep tight
Me too, but I’m browsing in “Fake Rap Safe Mode”. This way Safari only displays Fake Rap when I plug in headphones and enable “Private Browsing”.
Here’s the link for everyone who just sees the html garble:
http://www.youtube.com/v/WUQYJ77qa50&hl=en_US&fs=1&
Also Gabe, this isn’t fake rap at all. First off its probly better compared to beat poetry, in the vein of Dylan’s “Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie” (which I can’t seem to find on youtube but whatevs). But even if you wanted to consider it rap, its not attempting to co-opt or mock rap-culture for the sake of humor so its really not committing the cardinal sin of fake rap. Maybe Gabe is just scared of seeing a strong powerful white girl rap her gospel. Racists.
Ahhh… “Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie”. One of my favorite things ever.
Found a NSFW link for it (for some reason there’s boobies on the video – yeah, I don’t know either):
http://videos.sapo.pt/3SzCzDhQah82kHsP3qKz
Because it’s by Boob Dylan, get it? You so get it.
chameleon_street = my new idol
Boob Dylan won all the Grammys that Bob Dylan deserved.
Dear slam poets: you are the worst; please find better uses for your time. I hear the internet has an unlimited capacity for crybaby written word–check it out! love from your pal, a lady who dated a slam poet once and will never, ever live down the shame/horror.
Here in America at 5pm, my heart is wrenched for your pain and suffering. Though, it’s so satisfying to hear that slam poets are as terrible as I’ve always secretly suspected. Here is a heart <3
Hey thanks! They are SO AWFUL. Without exception.
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I got nine seconds in and had to stop. uggghhhh.
TWSS
LOLOLOL
Like a young Bob Dylan…
Yeah. Think I’m gonna pass on that whole “Get with Jesus while there’s still time” thing. I’m gonna wait until they all get raptured. Then I’m gonna take all the leftover shoes, because, hey, free shoes.
“Let’s get some shoes!” Remember that video?
Kima Greggs is not amused
I can’t believe Sandra Bullock won an Oscar for this…wait this was a scene from The Blind Side right?
Oh, come on, that was pretty good.
So, fascinated by the putrescence of this “rap” I went through and documented the “pop culture” references she makes throughout. Here are some of the best:
Desperate Housewives
Days of Our Lives
Dr. Phil
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Counsel Tribal (Survivor)
CSI
Law and Order: SVU
“The” ER
The OC
Paris Hilton
Simple Life (w/ Paris Hilton)
Fear Factor
Wheel of Fortune
Black Eyed Peas
Gwen Stephanie
P. Diddy
MTV
The Dixie Chicks
“bling”
J-Lo, Leno, Bono
Apparently not only can this lady not rap, but she still thinks its 2003. Update your lyrics bro!
Forget Jack and Chrissy
The only three
Whose company you need
Is the father, the son, and the holy G
Amirite?
Yeah, who needs materialism? Except for maybe a guitar, an effects board, a mike, an arena sound system, giant backlit projector screens, a stage….
I hate to say that I know this, but this is fairly well-worn territory for the “cutting-edge” evangelicals. 1993 version via Soap Opera references: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yaMMHdHDck
I feel like I never need to watch TV again.
My name is Karl and I’m here to say
that I am not a fan of that turrible God rap.
This makes me think about what it would be like if Jesus sang the Fresh Prince theme.