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What a week! This guy knows what I’m talking about. I wonder what Stephen Baldwin has planned for the weekend? Probably going to pop into the tattoo parlor, make a couple more open-ended bargains with teenagers. “Hi, I need a tattoo of Taylor Lautner’s face on top of my face. He said if I got it, he would let me do a cameo in a local commercial for the real estate agency that he’s going to run in 15 years when this whole acting thing blows over.” Videogum recommends never making tattoo deals with teenagers! And if you are going to make a tattoo deal with a teenager, get a lawyer to read over it. Let’s all have a safe, tattoo-deal-free weekend, you guys.
After the jump, the five Highest Rated comments, as voted on by you, the Lowest Rated comment, the winner of this week’s Betty White hot dog eating Caption Contest, and the Editor’s Choice.
This Week’s Highest Rated Comments
| #5 |  |
Notsewfast | Apr 20th | Score:77 |
| Posted in: Introducing Videogum’s New Mascot: Birdie | |||
| #4 |  |
That One | Apr 22nd | Score:81 |
| Posted in: A Moving Tribute To The Fallen Heroes Of American Infomercials | |||
| #3 |  |
Cultural Underpinnings Face King | Apr 22nd | Score:99 |
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We are the worst We’re also Christians Who get our thrills from paying Baldwin’s bills So that’s our mission There’s a choice we’re making We’re saving Stephen’s ass Enabling his extremist views With cold hard cash |
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| Posted in: Restore Stephen Baldwin Is REAL! | |||
| #2 |  |
christrash | Apr 20th | Score:99 |
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Looks like someone is j-e-a-l-o-u-s because they are not the cutest member of the family anymore. |
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| Posted in: Introducing Videogum’s New Mascot: Birdie | |||
| #1 |  |
lildanzig | Apr 21st | Score:106 |
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True story — I replied to Scott Baio’s “WELFARE IS FOR THE LAZY” tweet. It was a moment of weakness, but I was in the middle of an argument about that exact issue, and here comes Scott Baio, a man who plays pretend for a living, telling me about lazy people. So I made some snarky remark in his direction, and didn’t expect much to come of it. Within two minutes, Scott had “re-tweeted my tweet” (va-va-voom) to his followers with an angry response and I immediately began receiving a stream of DM’s and messages on twitter from Mr. Baio’s fans who, surprisingly, actually exist. Being the relentless self-promoter that I am, I decided to harness the power of ANGRY SCOTT BAIO FANS to get some hits for my little musical project’s facebook page. So I hastily typed something retarded like “PLEASE VISIT ____ FOR MORE BAIO-HATIN’” and went off to lunch. Upon returning from lunch, my facebook music page had like 55+ comments in the span of half an hour, most of which were angry messages from none other than Renee Baio, who apparently took time out of her busy schedule to stop by the website of a completely unknown independent hip hop artist to post all-caps screeds about “YOU NO-TALENT COAT-RIDING SHIT-STIRRER” and the like. The one insult I specifically remember was that I “couldn’t carry a tune in a Gucci bag”, which is true, because it’s both impossible and non-heteronormative! Not content to simply stop with me, however, she spent the better part of the afternoon hulking out in response to every single negative comment anybody would post in that thread, even when it became overtly obvious that she was being trolled for a reaction. Eventually she changed her tone — it was at some point after I posted “Hey, Charles in Charge was a show I really liked as a kid but we were on welfare because my mom was disabled and if I knew the star of the show literally didn’t care if I lived or died then I would cry salty tears of real pain” — and went back and deleted all of her comments, hopefully out of embarrassment. Apparently, this was the day before the Jezebel crusade begin. So, in conclusion, you don’t have to be famous or even remotely successful to start a feud with Scott Baio’s wife. Just make fun of him on twitter. It WILL happen. |
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| Posted in: Scott Baio’s On-Line Meltdown: A Complete Timeline | |||
Ed. note: welcome back everyone! Incidentally, the number 5 comment this week is actually a response to the number 2 comment. It’s fun to learn! And the highest rated comment this week is pretty epic. Good job, lildanzig? Normally, I would recommend that we all leave Scott Baio alone, but haha, no, fuck that guy. Let’s all send him Twitters about his insane defenses of his even more insane bigotry until he leaves the Internet! #byebyebaio
This Week’s Lowest Rated Comment
| #1 |  |
Steve Winwood | Apr 20th | Score:-34 |
| “Would you fuck me. I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me soooo haaarrrd.” | |||
| Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t You Caption It? Caption Contest: Betty White Eating A Hot Dog | |||
Ed. note: Oof, Steve. Well, whatever it is that you are doing, I guess it is working? Keep up the bad work?!
This Week’s Caption Contest Winner
| #5 | |
Steve Winwood | Apr 20th | Score:87 |
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Here is my second submission to this fun contest: And if you threw a partaaayyyy And invited everyone you knew-ooo-oooo You would see the biggest hot dog would be from me and the card attached would say “I attached a card to your hot dog” |
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| Posted in: The Videogum Why Don’t You Caption It? Caption Contest: Betty White Eating A Hot Dog | |||
Ed. note: AMERICA LOVES A REDEMPTION STORY! Congratulations, Steve Winwood. You earned it!
This Week’s Editor’s Choice
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Miss Rabbit | Apr 22nd | |
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Also, every time I eat a burger, the entire patty always falls out on the first bite. |
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| Posted in: A Moving Tribute To The Fallen Heroes Of American Infomercials | ||
Ed. note: To be honest, this comment is decent but not mind-blowing (sorry, Miss Rabbit), but when I first read it, I thought the Informercials thread was going to turn into everyone making jokes about the ridiculous unrealistic things that have never happened to anybody that happen to them all the time. It didn’t happen, but this comment still reminds me of the hope and anticipation I once felt. Hope and anticipation are great feelings!
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I responded to a casting call on Craigslist and all I got was a tattoo of Scott Baio. :/
I got a rock.
Steven Seagal tried to have sex with me.
Steven Seagal got sued for harassment by Betty White’s hot dog.
Betty White’s hot dog demonstrated an unusual reaction to sexual arousal.
“As another week of sarcastic commenting and celebrity mocking draws to a close, a giant pair of cartoon sizes appears on the side of the screen. The scissors cut through the screen, and the Monster’s Ball dissolves to reveal two days of emptiness in the Videogum stables.”
Enjoy your weekend everyone
Some heads remain caught in unintentional-replying cups
Do you ever find yourself trying to say something funny? Do you see your best comments sitting in the red? Do you think _____ is ______ and you just can’t take it anymore?
Alas I have but one upvote to give to this… I esp. like: “Do you see your best comments sitting in the red?” which it took me a sec to figure out, then I LOLed. BUT: What’s your product/invention? Take it to the next level, hausfrau. Make it work.
Relax clowncoffee, the answer COULD BE YOURS!
…for just four easy payments of 19.95 plus shipping and handling*
*This product is meant for educational purposes only. Open to legal, non-ginger residents of the continental United States 18 years or older. Void in California and New Mexico. This Product may contain Nicholas Sparks. Nicholas Sparks may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Nicholas Sparks inhibits the absorption of some vitamins and other nutrients. Vitamins A, D, E, and K have been added. Not guaranteed to actually improve your chances of receiving upvotes, recognition, happiness or personal satisfaction. Not responsible for injuries caused by Drumlining. Use at your own risk. Wikipedia is not a doctor. Offer valid until December 22, 2012. Quantities limited. Not an actual product. Additional restrictions may apply. TWSS.
Congrats kids. I really did LOL in an honest way at Uncle Winwood’s Golden Girls theme song adaptation. Nothing better than putting processed meat into songs about old ladies. (The way I originally had that worded was horrifyingly dirty, and completely unintentional. Glad I glanced back at it before I hit submit for your sakes. Eeesh.)
Mothafucka I’m STEVE!
I don’t need your respect!
I don’t need to make “best comment”, bitch!
I don’t gotta do shit!
I do it cause I want to
Not to get your upvotes
Fuck your downvotes
I’m still fake-rappin’ on your blog, little bitch
I started this Monstah shit
(Hello)
And this is all tha motha-fuckin thanks I get!?
It’s fun to imagine this comment aloud in the voice of Fred Schneider of The B-52′s.
You blew my mind!
STEVE’S GOT A CAR AND IT’S AS BIG AS A WHALE /
HE’S HEADING DOWN TO THE LOOOOOVE SHACK
Yes, I realize I only changed one word, but it’s still an amusing image nonetheless.
Kirstie Alley is as big as a whale and she’s about to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnn
Allow me to translate Winwoodese:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uweKd2dAP1g
You got the caption, we are halfway there. My fair Winwood!
This is the best.
Right now, when I’m still at work and will be for too much of my friday evening, all I want is gratutious swearing. Thank you for giving it to me muthafucking Steve. You’re fucking potty mouth has giving me the bitchin boost to carry on and get this shit done!
Whether you care about votes or not, I’m glad you won the caption contest because that was by far the funniest one and it’s nice to see justice served. Kudos!
Good show everyone, have a great weekend! I’m excitied about tomorrow when I get a tattoo of Steve Winwood’s avatar.
I still feel bad for Michelle, being shamed by someone who wears a bolo tie. My dad may dress up in cowboy boots, but at least his ties aren’t made of string.
What a coincidence- this is the exact same face I made when I realized I’d missed making the ball by 4 votes.
You’re still a winner!
not entering into a tattoo pact means we can still get tattoos sans pact, yeah? because i am suddenly feeling like i need another one. telling me not to do something can sometimes be a great way to make me want to do that exact thing. especially if you are a 500 year old man on the internet. what do you know about tattoos, old man?
but i promise that it will be awesome and not on my face. and hopefully it will distract me from not being in london to be a bridesmaid for my best friend who is getting married tomorrow and i am going to miss it because apparently at some point i did something really awful to piss off iceland.
or i might wait until my sister comes to visit so i can make her hold my hand like last time to help her feel the pain i am experiencing. tattoos are like childbirth in a movie or on tv. hurting someone else helps lessen the excruciating pain.
CONGRATS MONSTERS YOU DID IT
I just made a deal with Justin Bieber that if I get his initials tattooed on my lower back that he’d expose his forehead to direct sunlight. The weekend is ruined already.
Hey, I got 2nd place for making the baby cry. Good to know.
sorry i wasn’t trying to reply to you, im just really psyched that Uncle Winwood won.
More like Monster’s Ball-dwin.
More like Monster’s Ball-d-win-wood
So here’s an off topic thing to discuss. I somehow discovered (and don’t ask me how or why) that one of the things that is going on in the twitters right now is that Danny DeVito has been posting a bunch of pictures of his hideous troll feet in various situations for some reason. For example, here is Danny DeVito sticking his troll foot into Notsewfast’s face:
Why do you think he would do that, Notsewfast? And how does that make you feel?
You got to pay tha troll toll and then clean out his toesie-woesies
I just want to say that heaven better not get a little more Bret Michaels.
The weirdest thing about being an atheist(to me, I guess) is not being able to say someone is in my prayers. You are in my good intention feelings, Brett Michaels! (See? What does that even mean? Just be ok, Brett Michaels.)
i usually say that someone is in my thoughts. i’m not an atheist, but i’m not religious either. it seems like a good compromise.
I feel bad that we let Gabe down with not taking about how often we mess up in life in ways that are nearly impossible to mess up in life.
If it is any consolation, sometimes when I put my shirts on over my head in the morning the static electricity makes my hair stick up all day long no matter how much I wave at it and puff out my cheeks.
Anyway. Nice work everybody. And I liked your Picture Duckduck. You’re tied for 5th in my heart.
Awww, thanks! I worked my butt off for that one. MS Paint is HARD!!
Oh, and good job everyone. Lots of giggles happened this week.
A few weeks ago, I couldn’t get a box of soda open. I ended up using a knife to open the cardboard and punctured one of the cans, spraying soda everywhere. True story. Happy, Gabe?
I am… does that do anything for ya?
oh man, i forgot about this one in the stephen baldwin tattoo-deal thread. there was a mexican restaurant in the mission that, for some time during the 90s, offered a free burrito every day forever if you got a tattoo of their logo (which was a lady riding a flying ear of corn, if i remember correctly). a bunch of folks hopped on board because if there’s one thing the mission is known for besides good mexican food and tranny hookers, it is young white people with terrible tattoos. and yup, the restaurant went out of business.
Au contraire, iantenna. Au contraire.
http://missionmission.wordpress.com/2010/04/01/desecrate-your-body-get-free-burritos-for-life/
whoops. that’s what i get for trying to remember stories from 10 years ago.
Probably should have read the other replies first? Whoops. I guess I just get defensive about Casa Sanchez because come on, that is a rocket ship made of an ear of corn.
Au contraire! Casa Sanchez is still open, and they’ve just announced they are now honoring new tattoos for the deal: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304370304575151861646999610.html
And for the record my ex is one of the original fifty folks and he has confirmed that the burrito lunch was delicious and, yes, free of charge.
Anyone in LA going to the Conan show tomorrow? There are some Conan fans eating at In-N-Out (classy) before the show.
Speaking of classy & Conan, this is probably the appropriate place for me to debut this terrifying hybrid:
Steve Winwood is kinda like an abusive boyfriend.
Steve Winwood is that friend you have that half of your friends love and half of your friends hate and which friends are in which half changes all the time and sometimes you’re not sure if you even like him but, nevertheless, there he is, at your party, drinking zima.
If I get a Videogum tattoo, can I be in the Monster’s Ball?
i’ll say yes…but i have really no authority to do so.
Well technically Videogum is only two years old, so you’ll probably get a jail cell.
I think that’s 14 in blog years, so still jail cell
Alabama state motto: If there’s grass on the field, play ball!
Rest of the states in the country motto: Don’t go to Alabama if your a teenager
Joke question: What do you call a virgin in Alabama?
Joke answer: A 10 year old who can run fast.
Boooh get off the blog!
My tummy hurts.
Damn, just a mere 61 votes away from the top 5. Oh and this is off topic but I have an early suggestion for the Hunt:
http://www.indiewire.com/article/an_off-key_trainwreck_olivier_dahans_my_own_love_story/
Well, I certainly didn’t expect this. I just wanted to share in the fucking craziness I experienced last week at the hands of the House of Baio. Rad!
It was a good story, but it was that “va-va-voom” that pushed you over the top.
Who’s sitting on a plane drinking Bloody Marys wishing he’d been invited to the ball and that they’d take Blame it on Earl or whatever this show’s called off the overhead screen? Me, that’s who.
This is basically the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF THE MONSTERS, AND ALSO STEPHEN BALDWIN, AND OF COURSE THE LORD, FOR ABANDONING STEPHEN BALDWIN.
I had my highest upvoted comment ever this week! Thanks everyone! I feel loved.
Next step…. MONSTER’S BALL!
As unofficial Videogum archivist, it’s my unofficial duty to note we’ve got two new records this week!
Notsewfast now has hit the top five 14 times, the most ever!
Steve Winwood now has had the lowest voted four times, the most ever!
Stats here:
http://werttrew.tumblr.com/post/270476062/complete-list-of-videogums-monsters-ball-commenters
THE SPICE
Ok, so can we please make changing the Golden Girls theme song lyrics an ongoing thing? Because that made me so, so happy. Also, I’m becoming concerned about the percentage of my posts that reference the Golden Girls.
Click on this link if you want to see a little girl riding a pony get attacked by an ostrich….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlO0x2gAnvM
I don’t know what else I expected from that.
I’ll tell you what I did not expect was the way the man straight regulated on that bird. Watched that part over and over. Sorry, ostrich, but you had it coming.
I am very flattered to receive editors choice, even if I had to take my victory with a dose of back-handed compliment.
You are one classy bunny, Miss Rabbit, and you always bring the LOLs!
Great week everbody! Have a wonderful weekend!
Ha! I got post 69…
Mmm, there are no trampoline accidents(the main reason I come here), but the m-ball is very funny.
Steve Winwood cracks me up! The One’s pic made me spit coffee on my keyboard.
I need to find a pic, but I am such an avitard. And lazy.
v.v.g
Oop,
*v.v.r.*
Such a avitard!
Oop,
*an*
arg!
heh.
v.v.r.
That’s what I’m saying!