Photos
Ed. note: Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.
GLEEEEEEE you guys: it happened again! Two weeks in a row! This week they decided to pay homage to actress, theologian, African, and graceful ager Madonna, to make up for ways they’ve disrespected women in the past (I assume they’ll find ways to make up for disrespecting acting, rapping, hair-styling, Judaism, and originality soon enough)—singing only “songs” by “her.” Neat! She has so many “songs”! The whole charade starts off with Sue Sylvester expounding on how much she loves Madonna, which makes NO SENSE because Sue clearly hates makeup and intercourse more than anything in the entire world, but whatever. Madonna it is.
Rachel’s still seeing Jesse St. James on the DL, even though everyone knows he’s “playing” her, and somehow MILF Rachel’s behind it. He wants to stick his Christianness in her bagel hole, and be her very first fuck. She’s into it, kind of, but not RIGHT NOW, and needs some advice on how to sing like she’s cumming, in case she ever goes through with it. So, she does the logical thing and goes to her school counselor, Emma, who tells her maybe she should go talk to her Rabbi (literally), because Emma, as we’ve covered is mentally ill, and a virgin herself.
The Cheerios beat the Gleetards to the Madonna punch (one of the hardest punches on record, what with her Satan arms and all), and do a dance routine to “Ray of Light” on insane stilts.
Couldn’t find the footage online, but this is close enough. Satyr fetishists unite:
Mr. Schue overhears some of the Glee Club girls complaining about how their men have disrespected them over the past week (Rachel’s wants make love in her, Tina’s wants her to have a non-Ska makeover), so he decides that everyone needs to learn a lesson from Saint Madonna of Feminism. Only Madonna “songs” can be sung in insane fake mind-performances this week, where everyone changes clothes miraculously and ends up onstage with no audience but tons of lighting cues. Rules are rules. Also: Brittany The Perfect’s current boyfriend is 7 years old. The end.
The “boys” in Glee Club aren’t too into the idea, because even though they claim to find Madonna “hot” and “sexy,” they are worried that their “masculinity” will be jeopardized by imagination-performing her “music.” They’re all “no!” except for Kurt, no doyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoy, who’s like “mega-fierce!” or something. But, the girls rise to the “challenge” right away, and sing “Express Yourself” in cheap zoot suits and cheaper bustiers.
This number was so flat, emotionally, that it almost made me respect Madonna. Sure, she’s a haughty corpse who can barely burp out four notes on a good day, but when she reaches down and grabs her own humongous Hell Mouth through a pair of men’s trousers in defiance of gender norms, it almost means something. These girls, with their perfect voices and polished choreography—not so much. This number was Glee karaoke at its worst.
Santana decides she wants Finn’s ape virginity, because if you bareback someone of a different species, God doesn’t let you get pregnant. So, she proposes a second date, of sorts—a follow up to their funny but botched ménage-a-date from last week. Finn’s not sure if he’s into it (Are there going to be bananas involved? Are there bugs I can eat out of your hair when we’re done?), so he does what any monkey with a problem would do: he consults a Jewess to see if she’s still going out with another dude from another school.
Rachel and Finn chat for like a second, then break into a mash-up of “Borderline” and “Open Your Heart to Me” by The Corpse Bride herself. The number’s actually kind of good, although it kills me to say it, and my favorite part is how many extra lyrics they had to give Finn, to make it a duet. LOLOLOL, smooth move Gleelax.
Schue gets fed up with Sue for making fun of his disgusting curl helmet so much, so he turns the tables on her and lobs some hair-sults her way. Instead of taking them like a man, Sue crumbles a bit, and lets us in on her sad and troubled past. She has short hair because her retarded sister dyed her hair blonde with Napalm once when she was younger. Also: her parents were Nazi hunters. Also: she’s 29. A+.
Kurt and Mercedes decide to don their stereotype hats for a moment, and offer to give Sue a makeover with fake hair. In return, Sue agrees to allow them to use some Cheerios in their Madonna number. Turns out that’s the backstory for the Sue Sylvester “Vogue” re-do from last week. Meh. Then they played the damn video again, in case anyone missed it, which they didn’t.
The 3 virgins (Rachel, Finn, and Emma) all decide that they’re ready to fuck simultaneously, but not fuck each other, because that would be too perfect and the best. So, each tells their respective cock donors (or gorilla cage sacrificer in Finn’s case) that tonight’s the night. Schue can hardly believe his luck—he finally gets to pop on his favorite Guster tape and bang the voices out of his coworker’s trouble-skull!
Then, all 3 couples (Rachel and Jesse, Emma and DoucheMachine90’sToolQueef, Finn and Santana) do a 6-way rendition of “Like a Virgin,” in pajamas borrowed from the set of The Rugrats Fuck Paris, humping the shit out of each other and doing sexual backbends. This was BY FAR the best number in the show. It was delicious and perfect and Gleetarded and wonderful.
The next day, Rachel tells Finn that she let Jesse roll her Hamentashen flat, and that it wasn’t a big deal. But, then we learn that she kept that shit locked up, and that it was a huge deal, no doy, because it’s Rachel and it’s virginity. Finn tells Rachel that he wasn’t able to go through with it with Santana because she’s not special to him, but then we learn that he totally did go through with it even though Santana’s not special, and neither is he, and the sex was bad and he lives in The Primate House.
Oh, and no doy, Emma did NOT fuck Schue, but instead ran screaming from his MicroMachine and then washed her hands a thousand times, and counted her steps home even though she was running, and kissed every mailbox along the way, and then flossed with a gold chain, and then boiled the chain and put it around her neck like a necklace and, then pressed her thumb to every doorknob in her house 20 times, and then vacuumed her hair and then it was time for school so she counted every step to her car even though she was walking backward, and started the ignition 11 times before pulling out of her driveway and going to work. Hi, Emma: your hymen has a smudge on it: SCRUB IT OUT.
In a surprise twist of surprisingness, Jesse St. James transfers to McKinley High from Rival Academy and joins the Glee Club. Everyone’s like “EXCUSE ME, MISS THANG?” except for Rachel who’s like “I wonder what cum tastes like? I’ll ask my Dads” and then everyone’s like “Rachel, PAY ATTENTION” and she’s like “oh, hi secret manipulation boyfriend, now we can be public about our relationship maybe?” [VERBATIM]. The maddest about Jesse are Mercedes and Kurt who are sick of never getting solos, and know that with the new twink in town, their chances are slimmer than ever: slimmer than Schue’s Lee Press-On peen.
So, they do what any plot device would do: they join The Cheerios as singers, which no doy makes the most sense ever everyone knows that no doy, and sing “4 Minutes” by The Corpse Bride and Justin Timberlake, with a full marching band backing them up.
I’m happy that my favorite 2 queers from Fairy Land FINALLY got a number on the show all to themselves, it’s long overdue in this two episode-long mini-season, but did it have to be such a garbage song from music Hell? Of all the Madonna songs to choose, this one? Yuck. Glee should’ve saved their shot-for-shot-remake-wad for these two, and given us a little “Justify My Love,” no?
Schue’s all “how dare you?!” about Mercedes and Kurt’s decision to cheer with the enemy, but his feminism isn’t done clearing the Funyuns out of her throat. So, he makes all the boys in Glee Club sing “What it Feels Like for a Girl,” a true Madonna deep cut if I’ve ever heard one. The boys all wise up to the power of the puss, and apologize to the women they’ve wronged with their wrongness. Artie tells Tina that if she wants to be Ska she should be, but she’s busy watching The Craft on her HD contact lenses so it’s lost on her. Finn makes peace with Rachel, and even tells Jesse he’s happy to have him in Glee Club so he doesn’t have to sing all the male leads anymore. You and me both, Magilla. You and me both.
Then all the assholes screamed “Like a Prayer” at the same time in stupid red American Apparel shirts, and Madonna cashed her huge check in all quarters and did six million pushups with the quarters on her back (one for every _____ that _____ed in the _____), and the credits rolled, and my TV threw itself out even though I was like “wait! I need you for Videogum!”
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I went with a friend to a Glee party this weekend. About half way through I thought to myself “This show is for girls and gay dudes!” Then I looked around and saw that the room was filled with girls and gay dudes (except me, Steve Winwood). Good for the girls and the gay dudes to have a show that they like but I will not be tuning in as this was boring. All though that brown eyed girl is very cute. And I liked that one joke about how dolphins are just gay sharks. Aside from that, this show is not for me. Peace, brothers and sisters united in a quest for equality and justice.
You are very zen today, Steve Winwood!
Hey… that’s not true!
*remembers the group she just watched Glee with*
Oh…wait…
They butchered Madonna’s classics, but it was a good episode.
Listen, I’m not going to debate whether or not Madonna has “Classics” but I’m going to put this out there for all to discuss:
People get old? Say it isn’t so!
She’s a woman over the age of 30, so she should just get to the kitchen or something idk.
Uhhh…people are aging way better than her: Sigourney Weaver and Meryl Streep are ten years older than Madonna… so…what happened? she was looking fine a few years ago…right? right? Guh.
Maybe it’s the makeup guy? The Photographer? Do Latin Lovers age you? Obviously what I’m saying is she should get some tips from those ladies that age like a pro (and fast).
I don’t see why people pick on her for looking her age, or older. I appreciate that she still does what she wants to do, regardless of her age.
And so what if she didn’t age as gracefully as Meryl Streep? Most of us don’t, because she’s MERYL STREEP.
The best way to age gracefully is to…age gracefully. There’s nothing graceful about Madonna v. nature, just desperation. I don’t want to get all Logan’s Run, but she’s still trying to play what is essentially a young(er) woman’s game. I kind of pity her, but I see no reason to humor her.
Also the girl who Mr. Hausfrau stole his avatar image from is cute. I hate that a man is using this woman’s image. She is pretty.
Dear Steve Winwood,
We’ve have talked about this before: I told you that I picked this Avatar based on Emma’s fastidious nature and not because of her gender. (Though I do enjoy the actress in other things)
I feel a little offended by your comment. You could have ended your thought with “is cute.” “A man [me] using this woman’s image” comes across rather personal. I assume you don’t fret over Lizzing, a woman, using David Cross in Jugallo make-up as her avatar, or do you ‘hate’ Meaverly’s avatar choice since she is not a grumpy baby-man?
Ugh. I am just not winning Videogum today. I offended pb409 (seriously, Madonna is fine. I have only liked her music and never her) and now I’m getting upset over Steve Winwood.
But, Steve, Videogum is not supposed to be so serious (in my eyes) and maybe I forgot that with pb409 (I am sorry) but for real Steve, play nicer. Please? You don’t have to but it couldn’t hurt.
Thank you.
lol I’m not offended. Sorry if my replies to you seemed defensive. I think I like Madonna a little too much.
o/\o
That’s me and my homey Mr. Hausfrau high-fiving.
Hamentashen is my new go-to slang.
I liked the episode, minus the fact that they clearly ran out of time and squeezed all the conflict resolution into the last 12 minutes
Nah. it wasn’t great. But Next week looks like it will be filled with Gleegasms:
Sue to Mercedes re: weight: You can start by droping the “attitude because there’s bound to be a pound or two in that”
I think my cat’s been reading my diary
on a side note- they should put Brittany’s diary and Sue’s journal on their site like they do with Creedthoughts
The whole thing with the RACHEL IS A BIG JEW LET’S JOKE ABOUT IT A LOT is wearing really thin, Glee. Now maybe I am an oversensitive lady, as my ex-boyfriend was a Jewish dude–reform, natch–and am therefore perhaps more on the lookout for antisemitism in pop culture than the average catholic-by-birth-it’s-not-like-we-believe-in-that-shit-in-my-family-but-christmas-sure-is-great person, but STILL. It is making me UNcomfortable.
I have mixed feelings about it. Because I subscribe to Pretty Jewish Girls Monthly I learned that the actress is indeed Jewish (well her father is, but I’ll let it slide), and it is great to have a Jewish character on t.v that isn’t a nebbishy little guy or a shrill unbearable woman, so, it isn’t all bad.
But as far as unbearable goes Rachel is being SO DUMB! and her bad choices are driving me CRAZY! and such a little diva! I am just not on Rachel Berry’s Boat right now. Or Emma’s for that matter…now I think I should change my Avatar…Schue for life!
HA! not really.
Right! It is great that she is allowed to be pretty and an object of sexual desire and a STAR, and some of the Barbra jokes are pretty good.
But: the “move to Israel” joke at the beginning, and Quinn’s drawing of her with the scary JEWS DRINK BABIES’ BLOOD nose–do christian kids in high school have such a deep well of casual antisemitism to draw from? I did not know that that line was there, for me, until they went hop! and crossed it.
Yea the Israel thing is getting old, they used a similar joke last week. I actually didnt catch the writing on Quinn’s page but its time to move on Glee. There’s plenty of other things to pick on Rachel (the character, not actress) about.
Oh, I realized I miss read what you wrote (What? On the Internet! Never happened before) but I think the point still stands
I watched it hammered and liked it. On a side note…. I have to be hammered to watch Glee.
When I busted my hamstring, I went to a misogynist to get it fixed.
Brittany is my favorite. Becky is my second favorite; I’m glad they didn’t just put her on a bus….though I don’t remember her dancing…Of course I WAS distracted by Crazy wtf Stilts.
When Becky was like yay when Sue told her from now on she was just Becky I melted,
brittany is definitely the bestest. but i think they need to figure out a way to shoehorn kendra (terri schuester’s sister) back in. she was a magical creature as well.
literally: how did i forget that line? i have it quadruple-underlined in my tiny glee notebook. i’m in an airport right now!
my favorite part was when the guidance councelor called madonna “the big mo” and when sue called kirt a future center square
I really have nothing else to say besides I love you Gabe Liedman.
This is one of those posts that I’m going to read again for all the great lines. Gabe2 you killed it.
Wait, is Mercedes gay?? BECAUSE I WANT TO MARRY HER.
I bet you two would make beautiful culture together!
She will be the chocolate thunder to my hipster peanut butter [what?]
Two great tastes that taste great together!
Your recaps are the best part of watching Glee!
I’d just prefer an hour of Brittany making non-sequiters.
I also don’t think that Like A Virgin means what they think it means.
Santana got it.
I was so glad that they let Santana sing in that song, even if it’s only for two lines.
Let the downvotes fall where they may, but for the record, by “it” I did not mean Finn’s pale, doughy, strangely irresistible man-thing. I meant that her lines in the song were delivered with the original intention of the song: “you make me FEEL like a virgin (because oh my god am I ever not a virgin in case I have not made that abundantly clear)” while the other singers were all “Tee hee I am a virgin.”
I thought this episode was really silly but I really enjoyed all of the music (besides that “What It Feels Like For a Girl” nonsense).
I’m now looking forward to the Neil Patrick Harris and Lady Gaga episodes. Everything else between now and then is just gravy, baby.
my life WAS forever changed by her Vogue video.
‘Human Nature’ one of my most favorites.
and “This Used to Be my Playground” still gets me teary eyed.
I haven’t even watched this week’s episode and this recap is genius.
This is the first episode of Glee since the premiere that I haven’t hated myself after watching. And everyone else hated it.
brilliant, genius, i’m dying.
your screen name!!!!!!!!!! golden girls references forever!
<3 Kurt and Mercedes! 4 Minutes to Save the World was the best performance.
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You’re killin’ me, Smalls!
“Welcome to New Directions, frankly I was tired of carrying the male vocals by myself anyway.”
Eh, HELLO?! His name is KURT, monkeyman, and he’s been LOOKING for a solo for a long time if your showboating ass would only let him.
Also, Tina’s feminist rant was my favourite part of this episode. Hilarious!
I am a powerful woman and my growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality!
I know I’m not the only one with a huge lady boner for Finn, right? Like I get that he’s a big dumb idiot but… I like that? ugh what’s wrong with me…
My <3 is only 4 Kurt.
I watched this show for awhile and liked it well enough, even though it’s definitely not “my thing”, with all the singing and the dancing and the teenagers. But then it just started to gross me out in this really indescribable way? It’s not moral/political/aesthetic that I can put my finger on. I really don’t understand my reaction to it at all, but now these recaps are all I can stand of it. And even they make me feel a bit queeze.
Hahahaha Finn is SUCH a cabbage patch doll with those wide-striped shirts! When are they gonna show his soaped up, shaved man-chest again???
As Steve W put it: only girls and gays watch this show, so give us the goods!
“come on rachel, at least come out so we can talk…or sing, about it”. just normal teenager stuff.
“(one for every _____ that _____ed in the _____)” – AMAZING, gabe. <3
also, i was more grossed out than EVER by Schue's weird smirking and sex-faces, are they too redundant for a screencap at this point? because they DOMINATED thsi episode.