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Oh look, your boyfriend, who you date and make love to by candlelight and LARP with every weekend upstate, made you a bologna sandwich:
“I’m sorry, dear, but I’ve held my tongue long enough. I hate your sandwich. I just hate your sandwich so much. Why can’t you eat a normal sandwich like Laura Watkins?” — Your Mom
“MOM! Can’t you just let me live my life?! You and dad got divorced when I was THREE after you found him sleeping with his paralegal, which was probably your fault anyway, since you practically pushed him into her arms/mouth, and you’re going to complain about what I have for LUNCH?” — You, Mouth Full Of Foot Sandwich
“Shut up, both of you. I can barely hear myself barf!” — Me
(Via Urlesque.)
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This cat represents me spontaneously up-heaving.
Why did this respond to wettrew?! Nothing against wettrew of course. I don’t understand. I’ll show myself out.
We got out of there just in the nick of time – some other jester was going to make some macaroni and cheese with his butt cheeks.
my brain got athlete’s foot from watching that video.
Fox News: We report, you BARF
Nothing says 15th century England like Oscar Meyer Bologna and a 5 gallon jar of pickles.
Gabe would know.
You are on a roll with Old Gabe jokes today.
Is this a fetish video?
This is probably a fetish video.
Seeing as I’m so hard right now….
I know what he wants for his birthday:
Let me guess, loafers
No, I’m not going to eat your foot sandwich you fucking freak.
My bologna has a first name, it’s V-O-M-I-T.
First rule of comedy: you always just stop at the mention of a peanut butter and jam sandwich. That newscaster’s a pro.
Professor Comedy at the end there.
You mean TJ Walker.
That’s your morning team.
That’s what I call a five dollar foot WRONG.
*spins bowtie*
you are just MURDERING it today, Chareth!
Spinning your bowtie is the second rule of comedy.
Made with assorted deli feets.
Ahhh! I was going to make the same pun!
But I will be gracious in defeat, here is an upvote.
I think you meant defeet. No more puns from me.
Just because you CAN make a sandwich with your feet does in no way mean that you SHOULD make a sandwich with your feet.
yes. I mean, I can open a door with my bare toes…
and yes, I am bragging.
I definitely used to see this guy perform at the New York Renaissance Faire when I was a kid, maybe 15 years ago. He has really gone places!
I guess you could say he never really got his foot in the door. Unless you replace the word door with jar of pickles. Then he definitely did do that.
Huh?
The door is ajar. The game is afoot. The sandwich is atrocious.
That one almost made me choke on my sandwich. Kinda strange that the footwich didn’t.
that sandwich is bologna
His feet can provide all the cheese you desire, amirite?
Well then what’s Waxahachie near?
Waxahachie is the hell mouth of Texas. And it is also near Dallas.
Dallas?
Her?
This is a good Simon and Garfunkel song to associate with bologna, my Red Rubber Ball sandwich never goes over well
“Slow down, you’re moving too fast.”
That says a lot about life, and a lot about foot sandwich making.
I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me you can call me foot sandwich.
This is not my sandwich. This is my boyfriend’s sandwich. NO MAYO.
Mayo is boring!
I was listening to a Dr. Drew Radio Promo where a guy was talking about wanting to ‘toe’ his girlfriend but she wouldn’t agree to it unless Dr. Drew said it was o.k.
I don’t really have anywhere to go from there.
There are things that we do with our hands that are far worse than wear shoes. I’m just saying, think about it…
I think I know where you’re going with this, but I use my feet for that too. It helps ensure I don’t use too strong a grip, which I’ve heard can cause injuries and limit future performance.
I speak, of course, of tennis.
I bet that sandwich smells like B.O. and patchouli.
My primary problem with this is not that he’s making a sandwich with his feet – people put all sorts of nasty shit on sandwiches all the time, like sprouts or Miracle Whip – but that there is really no practical reason to ever have to make a sandwich with your feet, outside, if you’ve got working hands. Why doesn’t he do something useful with his disgustingly dexterous toes? As one example, he could untie a knot. Or he could do the monkey bars.
I just get a kick outta seeing how things were done in the old times!
Right??? They’re really providing a great educational experience at that fucking Renaissance Faire, making foods and playing musical instruments that HADN’T BEEN INVENTED YET, in the Renaissance, randomly, with their feet.
Interestingly, that melody does indeed date back to the Middle Ages. It is the oldest known melody in the universe. I learned this in a college class about Asian history. The song originated in England or Scotland, which explains why I learned about it in that class.
I always went barefoot when I lived at the Jersey Shore, and by the end of each summer I built up the ability to walk on glass without getting cut. Feet — nature’s shoe.
That’s what my nanny always said to my dad and his sisters, when explaining to them why they weren’t getting new shoes during those hot Texas summers. I guess three pairs of new shoes twice a year were more expensive than a theoretical tetanus shot.
Gabe was around then, is it accurate Mr. Delahaye?
Oh, it’s accurate. This shit is what caused the plague.
I’ll just stick with the turkey leg and sausage wrap, thank you very much.
I have been to that specific Ren fair. We had to go there on a high school field trip. It was creepy, and I think I bought some incense.
I’m more impressed with how Gabe totally nailed my family life.
Eating normal sandwiches only takes you so far.
I wouldn’t eat the sandwich just because it’s made with feet, I also dislike the meat, cheese, and pickle that are on it. Kraft singles do not constitute as sandwich cheese, unless you’re making a grilled cheese, maybe…
I worked at a Renaissance Faire during my senior year of high school. It is as full of weirdos, creeps, pervs, nerds, and combinations thereof as you might expect. It is no place for a well-endowed sixteen-year-old young lady.
“I’ve got boobs!” –me.
“If I worked at a Renaissance Faire, what kind of awful combination of weirdo/creep/perv/nerd am I?” –me.
Eating food that is handled like that and is that close to the ground is fun and all until this happens:
Psyche!
I wish this was a weekly instalment. So cute, so wonderful everytime!
“You and dad got divorced when I was THREE after you found him sleeping with his [coworker]” – oh, wait. that IS me. true story.
I like feet.
Meh.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd3Wzxq-LDA&feature=related
This little piggy went to…fucking barf. The kicker for me is that it’s a pretty sloppy sandwich. And how about slicing just a little onion in there, to mask the sock sweat. Fucking barf again.
Okay true story guys, I grew up near there and my parents used to take me to that ren fair every year when I was a kid. And a highlight of the festival every year was seeing The Flaming Idiots, a comedy juggling troupe, of whom the man making the foot sandwich is a member. I did not know about his foot sandwich making skills though! Strangely it was not part of the act, which mostly involved bowling pins and maybe some chainsaws or something? In my defense I was only 7-10 years old and thus didn’t really have much choice in the matter, but man did I feel weird and ashamed watching this video! I feel like the veil over my nerdiness has now been thrown back for all the cool kids to see! (You guys are the cool kids, I guess? )
“Yes, we all know that song. Scarborough Fair.” YES WE KNOW
oh man, i was really hoping this was gonna have something to do with michael showalter’s character in the state sketch whose feet were made of bologna sandwiches. also i could have made this comment much more concisely with a link to a video but i cannot find a link to a video of that sketch. dang!