Photos
Ed. note: Gabe Liedman is a stand-up comedian, and one half of the Gabe and Jenny comedy team with Jenny Slate. But at the top of that resume it states that he is Videogum’s Official Expert on this season of Glee.
GLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! To think I’ve only been holding my breath for 10,800,000 seconds since you dorks won Sectionals, waiting for your tiny stupid faces to fill up my screen with “acting” and song-garbage! It was a piece of cake! JK, it was the worst, don’t ever go off the air again. There’s only so much pornography on the internet, and Cadbury Crème Eggs are only on the market for a couple months a year. I need you. You complete me. My face was swollen and purple, and my body was out of sweat, holding in that breath for so many millions of seconds.
ALSO, totally thought you were going to air at 9PM, and was treated to a disgusting 28 minutes of American Idol when I flipped on the old Fox box (my box only watches Fox (have you guys seen The Box? Because that’s what it’s about)). Woah! American Idol is the worstest! This week all the mall twinks had to scream Elvis songs, which is disgusting and illegal! But, then Glee showed up at 9:30, and shit was right again. Shit was right again everywhere (someone should tell the news).
The episode starts out with the dorks feeling all cocky about their big Sectionals triumph and strutting through school like they go to the place. But, no doy, they’re not cool now, even if they did sing and dance in a competition and win without cheating. They’re the same old social cripples they ever were, and get a Slurpee in the face to prove it. Oh, also, all the songs this week have “Hello” in the title (except for one of them, which only has “Hell”), because blah, blah, blah, something, Schue was talking, why’s that his hair?
Finn’s feeling all sorts of emotions in his monkey soul. He’s not really over Quinn, even though she did some nasty shit to him with her uterus and mouth. Also, Rachel’s all up in his grill insisting she’s his girlfriend now, and that he should kiss her through a hole in a sheet or something, and that makes him feel like he wants a banana and a nice tree in Freedomtown to swing from. So Finn does what any Zac Efron in High School Musical would do—he sings a song while playing basketball.
Schue’s curl helmet plants the seed in Finn’s ape heart that he is a rockstar “like Jagger, or Morrison” (VAN MORRISON IS SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE RIGHT NOW (I know he was talking about Jim Morrison, but still, there’s something up with Van Morrison’s grave)), and needs to find his rockstar voice and attitude. So, Finn burps out “Hello, I Love You” by The Doors all solo style, and it’s actually pretty good! Pretty good for a Proboscis monkey in a tank top. Here’s the audio:
Sue Sylvester is back from suspension, after slipping Principal Figgins some Rohypnol and straight-ironing his 2-foot-long chest hairs. For realsies, his Pantene Pro-V shoulder weave is silky and gorgeous, probably the prettiest thing that’s ever been on TV (sorry “Seasons” episode of Planet Earth, your time is up).
Sue hasn’t done much growing up, thank Glee, and totes still wants to destroy the Glee Club. In this episode, she’s all about knocking Rachel off her game, and she’s gonna do it by compromising her relationship with her pet Orangutan Finn.
Sue tells Brittany-the-perfect and Santana to ask Finn out on a ménage-a-date, and he gets so excited that he dumps Rachel before the date even starts. Rachel’s SEXY MOUTH gives a speech about truly knowing people, or some shit, and then she sings “Hope it Gives You Hell” by The All-American Rejects (like Rachel’s ever even heard of that song/band). Meh. I woulda gone with some Alanis. But everyone else in Glee Club is programmed to appreciate her performance, because they all join in!
Finn’s ménage-a-date doesn’t go so great for his penis, but it goes incredibly well for Brittany’s funniness reputation. She eats all her spaghetti, then tells the waitress she wants to send it back “because there was a mouse in [it].” Re: Rachel? “Her sweaters make her look homeschooled.” Re: dolphins? “Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?” HAHAHAHAHAHA, yes, I did know that, because I saw The Cove and that’s what The Coveis about.
But Finn and Principal Figgins aren’t the only people getting taken advantage of in a romantic way in this episode. Rachel’s at the music store looking for sheet music when she gets hit on by a certain Jesse St. James, a 12th-grader from rival Glee Club Vocal Adrenaline, who sweet talks her about the only thing anyone could ever sweet talk Rachel about: her singing voice! Jesse’s all BMOC, or Bet Met Vav Khaf in Rachel’s alphabet, and she gets it wet RIGHT AWAY for his flattery. So, they do what we all do when someone tells us we’re okay at the thing we do: they sing “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie, then tell ALL their friends they’ve found true love.
Schue and Emma try to take their relationship to the next level—first base! But, there’s one little problem. Not only is Emma mentally ill, she’s a mentally ill VIRGIN. LOLOLOLOL of course she is. Who’d wanna bang around in her cave anxiety, worrying about breaking a filthy sweat or moaning off-key? Schue would, no doy, mentally ill virgins are his number one favorite sex fantasy, except the writers disagree with my rightness, and have him act all put off by it.
Rachel’s new love stinks to high heavGLEE, and her teammates don’t like it a bit. They know she’s getting played, so Schue prances right over to Vocal Adrenaline’s rehearsal to confront their coach about the sexpionage. He did not account for the fact that Vocal Adrenaline’s coach, Shelby Corcoran (played by the sensual Idina Menzel) was gonna be straight-up MILF Rachel and make his hacky sacks tingle for the first time ever. Schue and MILF Rachel (no seriously, this woman is Rachel from the shoulders up, Coco T from the shoulders down, all decked out in Marc by Marc Jacobs for Anne Klein for Victoria’s Sectret officewear) make out.
Then Schue opens up to her about his failed marriage and his mentally ill virgin girlfriend, and MILF Rachel’s like “ew, call me when you’re better.”
Rachel eventually confronts Jesse about the suspiciousness of his liking her (only a SPY could do that), and he’s like “no baby, this is 4 realsies” and then they smooch, and then the camera turns and we see MILF Rachel being all “no it is NOT 4 realsies” with her cougar eyes. Finn wants Rachel back because she has all the bananas or something, but she’s like “no! bad monkey!” and crushes his gorilla dreams for now. But you can tell she didn’t really want to do that, because then the Glee Club puts on modern tuxedos and sings “Hello Goodbye” by The Beatles, except Rachel’s over-the-top face acting sings “Torn” by Natalie Imbriglia every time she dance-touches Finn’s pillow pecs.
After the episode, they aired an incredible short film called “Vogue” by Sue Sylvester, which is probably going to win every Oscar from now on. Jane Lynch sings the Madonna “song,” and some fucked up geniuses recreate the original video almost shot-for-shot with Chris Colfer and Amber Riley as the back-up divas in powersuits. I guess this was to promote next week’s episode which will have all Madonna “songs” all the time (turns out they DO know their audience (or maybe this will be the Joss Whedon episode because Madonna is totally The First from Buffy now?????!!!!!). If you are not a stupid idiot, you will watch the video here:
 |
 |
SOFT GABE IS BACK IN DA HOUSE!!!!!!
I like to imagine soft Gabe is just a plush toy version of our own snarky Gabe.
You’ll find that Handy Manny has similar content to Soft Gabe’s reviews.
nice tool belt. very professional.
I am in love with every word of this re-cap.
first pic= she’s doing the juggalo make up wrong
“Finn wants Rachel back because she has all the bananas or something, but she’s like “no! bad monkey!” and crushes his gorilla dreams for now.”
This is the most beautiful line ever, second- Sue’s line that didn’t make tv “shut your face before I rape it”
Glee has been #1 on the “Things I am Looking Forward To” list for months. But a close, close, so close second on that list was Soft Gabes Glee-caps. Thank you for never disappointing!
Glee recaps without cursing, e-yelling and Jew jokes, just aren’t Glee recaps.
You know, speaking of Natalie Imbruglia’s hit single, sometimes when I’m heartbroken, I sing ‘Torn’ while I bite my lip and kick the air and people move furniture out of my apartment. It’s kind of like how they recreated the Vogue video with Jane Lynch only a little bit sadder and lonely and my plans for this Thursday night.
GABEY POO! Welcome back.
Brittany is the best. If I dated her, I think we would sit about and pontificate the sexuality of all animals (flamingos are the gayest).
I also find it curious how Sue makes fun of Schue’s hair while her hair cut makes her look like a big lezzy lez. Tight perms are a deal breaker!
Does anybody have a gif that captures Asian Mike’s performance last night? Suffice it to say, the young man was absolutely out of control in all the worst ways. It was like the director said, “Ok, Asian Mike, you have six seconds of screen time to show the world as many dance moves as possible!”
This is what happens when you give “them” names.
He is now officially The Hottest Dude. All tall and dancing and Asian and HOT. I fully claim him as MY BOYFRIEND, you guys.
i would totally dump my real life boyfriend for him. i actually thought that as i watched it on hulu this morning. girl talk, y’all.
Good news! According to the internet, he is 25! And going to be in that new Step Up to the Streets movie, which we will now have to see because it is in 3D and it will be like he is dancing in our actual FACES. or, LAPS. wherever.
He has his own dance team! It’s called the League of Extraordinary Dancers! I know way too much about this person!
i’m pretty sure his biceps are proposing to me in this photo. let’s not even go into what his eyes are saying. yowza!
Better news! He was already in Step Up 2: The Streets!
Oh girrrrrl, his whole pouty sultry face is saying, Hello, I want to be your special friend.
YES!! I have been looking forward to the return of Soft Gabe for so long and I was totes not disappointed I LOVE YOU GABE U R SO FUNNY WIL U B MY BFF
Part of me is tempted to Winwood-up this post, but I will respectfully say that after seeing that rendition of the Beatles’ “Hello Goodbye” I realized this show is not for me.
You kids have fun with this program.
I too dislike this show but I always enjoy reading it through Soft Gabe’s Eyes!
Hip! Hip!
OLÈ!
Winwood-ing it up! He’s a verb now!
Jabe?
I don’t have room for both Gossip Girl and Glee in my life for watching things I don’t really want to be watching. Which do I pick, guys?
You just kick back, relax, and let the Gabes do the watching for you. That’s what Videogum is for! To outsource your TV watching!
i don’t know if madonna is the first so much as she is like glory- a demon ruler obsessed with her looks and sharing her body with a boy much too young for her.
There’s only one way to settle this: One of us has to swing at Madonna’s face with a giant hammer.
Today was Sarah Michelle Gellar’s birthday.
I thought that was just the right tone of Buffy-nerd for this thread, but now that I look at it, it seems all wrong. Oh well. SUBMIT
The way Soft Gabe feels about the return of Glee is the way that I feel about the return of Soft Gabe.
Did anyone see this video of Whitney Houston performing in the UK the other night. It is a truly incredible FAIL. I guess before this song she took a 20 minute “break” where the back up singers sung three songs. haha. 3:00 is the best. She is like wait for it….wait for it….BAM! FAIL! It is like a car alarm going off then slowly dying as the battery wears downs. I figure a Glee post is the most appropriate place to bring this up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-rV9_fVV7Q
WOOOOOAAAAHHHHH!!!!! that was flatter than my prom date
I find Figgins kind of hot, chest thicket and all.
I enjoyed the Vogue video, except I just couldn’t figure out why I was watching it. Like, why was it made? Why was it there? Why? I didn’t understand. And then I put my footie jammies on, sucked down my apple juice and went to bed.
UMMMMMM, did you actually just reference The Box?? I love you. It was the first and only place I ever saw the video for “Put ‘Em on the Glass” by Sir Mix-a-lot.
I too remember The Box (there was indeed some “Put ‘Em on the Glass,” and a lot of Danzig’s “Mother,” and that weird “Three Little Pigs” cartoon video) and every time I bring it up no one has any idea what I’m talking about, but I thought he was referencing this: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0362478/
SOFT GABE!!!!!!!!! UR BACK and your ape jokes just made me vogue in my pants with joy. That is completely nonsensical, but you get my drift.
I’d vogue all over his face.
WHAT? that’s even worse. ANYWAY> Yay Soft Gabe! as if it could ever be said enough.
I want to like this show. I really do. But ugh. Not for me. I’ll stick with the recaps.
Weirdly, I was eating a Cadbury Creme Egg when I started reading this recap. I’m trying not to read to much into it, but does this mean that I get to marry Soft Gabe?
Medium Viscosity Gabe approves.
I love this show! And I love YOU Soft Gabe. All is right in the world
And I don’t think loving this show makes me any less of a monster. I have a soft spot for cheesetastic, over-the-top, cornball crammed singing dramedies.
Another genius recap. It was nice meeting you last Thursday!
I do agree that the Doors rendition wasn’t bad. The All american rejects song, however, was horrific.
I have not been able to get it out of my head. It’s driving me so far past insane.