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It is shocking (SHOCKING) that Kevin Smith has somehow remained out of the running for the Worst Movie of All Time until now. I suppose the judges were too busy with The Hunt for the Biggest Jorts of All Time. Seriously, I know it is an ad hominem attack of sorts, and when you make an ad hominem attack you ad hominem attack u and me, but dude wears the biggest jorts I have ever seen. Exclusively. There is a sign on the door to Kevin Smith’s closet that says “Jorts Only Past This Point.” And he has a point. Nothing but giant jorts could accentuate his extensive collection of oversized hockey jerseys. What an adult! Mr. Cool Adult. I bet when he walks his child to school, the teachers have to take a second and remember which one is the dad. “You can tell that he’s the father because there is MORE jam spilled down his chest.”
Anyway, Chasing Amy, which I saw in the theater, is this week’s nominee, and SPOILER ALERT: it earns Kevin Smith the 2010 Lifetime Achievement Award in BOOO!
Chasing Amy is about a young comic book artist (yeah, right) (Ben Affleck), who meets and falls for another young comic book artist (sure, fine) (Joey Lauren Adams). He thinks that things are going well, but then he discovers that she is a lesbian! Yuck! Gross! They continue to hang out, much to the frustration of Ben Affleck’s best friend and comic book business partner, Jason Lee, and eventually Ben Affleck falls in love with her. But she is still a lesbian. Oh well. But then Ben Affleck tells her that he loves her, and she stops being a lesbian. Oh, that was easy! I mean, she does get mad at him for a second–in the rain, obviously–OOF–but it’s hard to stay mad when you have so much sexual history to erase! So now they are in love! Aww. But then Jason Lee finds an old yearbook in which Ben Affleck’s girlfriend’s nickname is “fingercuffs” and it turns out this is because one time she had a total threeway with a couple of dudes. This makes Ben Affleck so upset, I guess because he’s never fucked two dudes at one time, and he is jealous? Anyway, Ben Affleck breaks up with Fingercuffs, but he loves her, and so he decides that the best way for them to get back together is to have a threesome with Jason Lee, because then he will have had a threesome, and Jason Lee will be gay, and Joey Lauren Adams has already proven that she loves threesomes. Weirdly, this doesn’t work out? Everyone gets all weird about this super smart flawless plan that is perfect. The movie ends with Ben Affleck having zero friends, girlfriends, or business partners whatsoever. In that sense, it is as happy an ending as one could have hoped for this piece of garbage.
Relax, Criterion Collection.
Kevin Smith, of course, has built his legacy on making movies for very little money. The problem is that this stops being impressive after one movie. I’m totally willing to accept that Clerks is an important film, however terrible it actually is, on the basis of offering an inspiring story to untalented people who want to make awful films of their own. “Can you imagine, having so little talent and so little money and just going for it?” Stop imagining. It already exists. It is called Clerks, and it’s the worst. Chasing Amy was Kevin Smith’s third film, so you would think that by this point he would have found someone who would at least know how to set up some lights properly. And maybe use the camera as a photographic tool, rather than the magic box what that before which them actors need to stand near.
The thing about low budgtet movies is that they certainly don’t cost any less to see in the theater. Maybe if Kevin Smith’s movies were only $0.50 a ticket, then we would be having a different conversation. One more along the lines of this:
“I was about to throw my 50 cents into the sewer drain, but I went to see Kevin Smith’s new movie instead. You know, as a goof.”
But how impressed am I really supposed to be with a terrible filmmaker’s awful film just because he only wasted millions of dollars on it and not TENS of millions of dollars? This impressed?
Then we get to the actual CONTENT of this movie, and that is where things really start to fall apart. For one thing, I am all for “artists” inserting some of their own idiosyncracies into their work (as evidenced by the fact that over time the density of the inside jokes on this blog has rendered it completely unreadable) but does everyone in the movie have to be a comic book enthusiast who also loves hockey? SPREAD SOME OF THOSE IDIOSYNCRACIES OUT. And while I know that you can never read too much into an author’s intentions in a fictional work, you can kind of read too much into the author’s intentions in this fictional work, because Ben Affleck is a handsome stand in for Kevin Smith NO DUH.
“He just happens to be a schlub from New Jersey who is super successful at something he doesn’t seem to actually know anything about who still works with his high school friends and lives in his hometown, with the same facial hair as me, who is also super into comic books and hockey the way that I am into comic books and hockey, and who is so handsome and charming that he can turn gay women straight, but he is definitely super fictional for sure and does not represent an impossibly idealistic version of who I wish I was. I’m an artist!”
I’m not sure that we even need to discuss the whole lesbian-going-straight thing, do we? Or do we? Just a little? Well, my only problem with this plotline is that it is unrealistic, infantile, insulting, mildly homophobic, and retarded. But otherwise it’s not a big deal. I mean, look, the movie actually does a perfectly reasonable job of showing non-stereotypical homosexuals living out complicated and fulfilling lives of which their sexuality is only one facet, which is not a thing to be ignored in a movie from 1997. But, ultimately, anything positive that might have come out of that is not only undone, but overwritten with the awfulness of depicting homosexuality as a flimsy tool of self-identification that can be easily and quickly shrugged off if the right melodramatic speech comes along in the middle of a thunderstorm.
During the famous swing set scene, Joey Lauren Adams crushes all of Ben Affleck’s (read: Kevin Smith’s) preconceived notions of sexuality with an argument about whether or not a girl who has never had sex with a man is or is not a “virgin.” Joey Lauren Adams argues that she broke her hymen on a fence post (?) and that you can still have penetration with a women, thereby convincing Ben Affleck that maybe he’s been wrong all along and a woman who has only had sex with a woman ISN’T a virgin. The whole thing is very Freshman Year Of College Cafeteria Discussion. The problem is that at no point does the lesbian argue that a straight man shouldn’t be allowed to determine the guidelines for adult human sexuality. Rather than try and play according to Ben Affleck’s rules and show him the error of his ways (that still resides firmly within his boring and condescending patriarchal definition) why not tell him to SHUT THE FUCK UP. Contrary to what this movie suggests, some of us, as adults, no longer struggle with a 13-year-old’s concept of how the world works.
Near the end of the movie, Ben Affleck accuses Jason Lee of being gay, and Jason Lee almost accepts it, but when the genius threesome doesn’t happen, he just as quickly abandons this thread of self-inquiry and goes back to his life of not being gay. Because in this movie, homosexuality is all just theoretical anyway. An idea to bat around like so many lazy Star Wars references.
For example: at one point in the movie, Jason Lee and Joey Lauren Adams trade multiple war stories and battle scars that they both have from performing cunillingus on their sexual partners. Really? Two characters in this movie suffered MULTIPLE oral sex injuries leaving them with permanent scars? Give me a fucking break. This, of course, is Kevin Smith’s trademark “comedic dialog.” You can always tell when it’s Kevin Smith’s trademark “comedic dialog” because it doesn’t sound anything like the way human being speak to each other, it’s annoying, everyone sounds like an asshole, and multiple characters share encyclopedic knowledge about whatever obscure topic Kevin Smith was clearly amused by for the 15 minutes he spent writing the script.
Stop banging those keys NOW, Dawg!
I suppose the argument that Kevin Smith might make in reply is that this is a comedy, and in comedies, humor comes from exaggeration. To which I would reply, WHAT HUMOR? This movie is completely devoid of jokes, unless you consider Jason Lee’s numerous euphemisms for “faggot” to be funny. (Incidentally, the point of a euphemism is to get away with saying something that would otherwise be deemed inappropriate, and since “rug muncher” is still completely miserable, even in the world of euphemistic creation, Kevin Smith is an abysmal failure.)
I remember seeing an interview with Kevin Smith when Chasing Amy was coming out in which he explained that his motivation for making the movie was when he found out that his then-girlfriend, Joey Lauren Adams, had been to Australia, and he was jealous that she had had an experience that he hadn’t*. This interview, apparently, was conducted on Kevin Smith’s 12th birthday. Because WHAT? In the world of adults, EVERYONE has had experiences that you haven’t had. That’s how it works. Most of us learn how to come to terms with this, and even enjoy the ways in which it makes the people around us unique and interesting and fully formed individuals. We don’t waste everyone’s time with a two-hour-long, mildly offensive, deeply unfunny exploration of our puerile insecurities. At the very least, if he did want to make this movie, he could have made it about A GIRL WHO WENT TO AUSTRALIA, instead of dragging an entire embattled subculture of which he is not a member down with him.
“Thanks, Kevin!”
I also saw an interview with Kevin Smith one time where he explained that he didn’t watch classic movies because he didn’t need to, because he had seen new movies directed by people who had been influenced by classic movies. Something to the effect of “Joel Schumacher is my film school.” What a wonderful, creative person with a deep appreciation for the medium in which he is working. What an honor for everyone.
Obviously, the reason that Kevin Smith continues to work in Hollywood is that there is an audience for his work, and you cannot begrudge him that. It is not his fault that there are enough people with awful taste and disposable income who enjoy what he does. It’s not like Kevin Smith wrote himself a check for Cop Out. But while a willing and enthusiastic audience does legitimize someone from a financial perspective, it doesn’t legitimize them from a creative or intellectual perspective. Millions of people bought KFC’s Double Down today, that doesn’t mean it isn’t five-dollar heart attack, or that we won’t be eating them from the roofs of our homes as we watch the waves of 2012 come crashing in. Philip Morris is a multi-billion dollar corporation with a huge audience that supports what they do, which does not make them any less reprehensible if you ask me. Am I really comparing Kevin Smith movies to smoking cancerous cigarettes? Of course not, don’t be silly. But I’m not sure that’s much of an endorsement. “Kevin Smith movies: not quite as bad for you as smoking cigarettes.”
And so, in light of a body of work that is consistently unacceptable and uniquely unbearable to watch, we award Kevin Smith with the 2010 Lifetime Achievement Award in BOOO! It has been a big year for Mr. Smith! (Get it? Fat.)
Next week: Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. As always, please leave your suggestions in the comments or in an email. And if you haven’t done so already, please consult the Official Rules.
*As one commenter has pointed out, this Australia story might have been about Joey Lauren Adams going “down under” on another woman, which is even worse. Kevin Smith should have just blown a dude and SAVED US ALL THE TROUBLE.
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Haha I really like that the entry right now starts off with Sean already hating on the movie. Fantastic.
I continue to nominate Van Helsing. THIS MUST FACE JUSTICE!
Also Ghosts of Girlfriend’s Past. I just really wanna see something with Matthew Maconohay face WMOAT.
I love your phonetical spelling. “Macona- Maccoh- Machaugh- Oh fuck it.”
Van Helsing was atrocious. I second the nomination.
third. And Hugh Jackman is in it! So we get pee pants jokes and The Hunt!
i also would like to see matthew m in the hunt – i once again nominate failure to launch
I also second (third?) the nomination for Van Helsing. what an awful movie!
Ghosts of Girlfriend’s Past was unwatchable. Failure to Launch is another bad one… I can only hope you consider both for the next round.
graphic courtesy of Lakonislate
Dear Videogum Staff: I once again nominate the 2009 film Amelia, the biopic about aviatrix Amelia Earhart starring Hilary Swank and Richard Gere, for The Worst Movie of All Time. This is a truly awful film.
Why do I persist? Why do I nominate this same film, week after week? No, it is not a compulsion. No, it is not destiny. It is because I choose to do so.
Now, I don’t know if I am the center of all things or just a fleck of dust in the outer-spiral arm of an insignificant corner of a backwater galaxy. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter, for what I do know is that I can find joy, and find joy on this earth. I feel the good breeze in my scalp, I see the good sun in the sky, I love my good wife with my heart, and I hear the good song of nature whisper softly in the air. I intake and I exhale; I am given the cards of fate but I deal them as I please. I choose, and because I choose, I am someone.
And in this case, I choose to continue to re-nominate this film, week after week, the horror of which is a lot like a dead fish that seems to chase me round and round a fishing pole I can’t let go of.
I shall be here next week and every week with a similar message till this film’s inclusion is secure. Good day and thank you for your time.
WERTTREW THIS is one of MY FAVORITES. FUCKING gold. I will GET BEHIND anything YOU WANT!
WAIT. Except for YOU OR another DUDE. THE Patriot DOES NOT swing THAT way!
If I gave you a bloated, melodramatic monologue in my car during a thunderstorm you damn sure would.
Waiting in line for things is just not for you I guess.
“he horror of which is a lot like a dead fish that seems to chase me round and round a fishing pole I can’t let go of. ”
I am laughing way too much at this.
Laugh all you want. I’m thinking of having that sentence stitched onto a sampler and hung up over my bed.
Since Lakonislate’s heading has been added, I’ve been reading these with Stephen Fry’s voice (for some reason). It makes something that is already immensely enjoyable that much more so.
Well I do love Stephen Fry. And the fish-like terror that inspires werttrew to keep fucking this particular chicken.
Have some classic Stephen Fry:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUVBXb4XIqE
I upvote these every week before I even read them. That, my friend, is a badge of honor.
When I went to share this post on Facebook, this gif is what popped up as the thumbnail. I thought, “I don’t remember that from the recap…….wertrrrrrreeeeewwwww!!”. This is amazing.
I have been watching that dead fish chase that kid around for ten minutes now, and I’m nowhere near sick of it.
You have tickled my heart once again. Great work, wertrew!
As a token of my appreciation, here is my upvote and six golden retrievers!
IS DA Cake EATUR really Back? IF FUCKIN so then I need YOUR GODDAMN AVATAR, pal. Send that SHIT TO ME immediately!
(AGAIN, THIS GOES FOR ANYONE else who hasn’t GOTTEN their ass IN GEAR. I gotta HAVE IT by Friday FOR THE secret PROJECT!)
what are you talking about?
DON’T MAKE me rain DOWN ON YOU like the UNION ARMY, southernbitch!
oh, hell! (pronounced, in the southern way: hay-ull). don’t make me stick up for the south with some convoluted civil war metaphor. it’s impossible to make those without sounding like a goober at best, and a racist at worst. i just don’t know what you are talking about!
I’M FROM Texas SO DON’T THINK I can’t hit YOU BACK WITH those CIVIL WAR metaphors ALL DAY long! YOU’LL BE John D. IMBODENING it all THE way HOME.
Where do I send my avatar again?
what is the email address again so you will shut up about it already.
AnAmPatriot@gmail.com
SEND that SHIT!
Oh, that’s where.
Yay Ass Dan, we have the similar avatars. High fives all around!
So we do. Does this mean we have to have a big fight at the Alamo?
What is the secret project?
http://i963.photobucket.com/albums/ae116/An_American_Patriot/28vy5tzjpg.gif?t=1271112969
i love this.
I don’t get it, our avatars are right here. Is it permission to use it that you need? Or are you talking about something other than this little picture that is right next to these words?
<—
Well 2 THINGS, CAPTAIN and Commander.
I’M NOT going to GO JACKING people’s shit, so YOU ARE CORRECT: I AM letting PEOPLE opt in TO THIS IF they want BY SENDING IT to me.
Also that SHIT IS LOW-RES as fuck. Sometimes THE ORIGINALS are easier TO WORK with.
Ah, thanks for the clarification. It’s in the mail.
I just assumed you were accessing the site with an iPad.
They say you can tell how well a man makes love by the way he dances. If this is true, let me be the first to say congratulations Jennifer Garner!!
Dear Notsewfast,
You are, in fact, so fast.
-Me
This gif goes so well with the ICP song I’m listening to. It’s like their jamming WITH ME!
we must be listening to the same jam!!! JUGGALOS 4 LIFE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3I2EVNE7Ms
I imagine if you made a Venn Diagram of Juggalos and Kevin Smith fans, the overlap would be about 100%.
Pretty kickass Texas Tuxedo there on Ms. Lauren Adams, though.
I WAS under the IMPRESSION it was A CANADIAN Tuxedo.
It’s an “Australian tuxedo” to me. What a versatile slur!
HOORAY America and THE ABILITY to choose!
The 90′s were a strange and confusing time for many people.
Cibo Matto in back-to-back WMOAT posts? Sean Lennon’s stoked.
and next week Devendra Banhart and Bishop Allen, also terrible people who leave an intoxicated girl on a rooftop at 4:30 am so they can make out
Wouldn’t Jason Lee be Kevin Smith since he just whines the entire movie?
Also Law Abiding Citizen needs to be done, if only for 2 scenes, the whole movie is terrible but these are just the worst
1. someone gets stabbed to death with a steak bone
2. a sniper robot, since those exist and all, shoots a car causing it to flip over and explode
Oh my gosh, I have to admit scene number 2 cracked me, cause the sniper robot wasn’t even hidden away..I mean it’s in a cemetery, with only one funeral taking place ( as far as we see), but then there’s the big ol’ sniper robot, which Jamie Foxx actually stares at for the longest of time before it started shooting up..I mean come on.
if he chased amy more often, then maybe he could invest in some smaller jorts.
I like to assume “Amy” is Kevin Smith’s pet name for his jorts.
Kevin Smith has always modeled his main characters after himself. Remember in Clerks when Dante says, “I’m not supposed to pee here today!” and then he points to the jorts he is wearing and a dark pee stain is spreading?
That scene represents how often Kevin Smith probably pees his jorts.
(Though he probably calls it “time to drain the pool” or something stupid and then thinks that’s a joke.)
he’s right, i can’t handle it.
In Australia, they call lorries “Foster’s.”
“Seriously, I know it is an ad hominem attack of sorts, and when you make an ad hominem attack you ad hominem attack u and me, but dude where’s the biggest jorts I have ever seen.”
Did you mean “ad homonym” attack?
I wanted to point that out too. “HA ha you can’t spell.”
I think he did it on purpose. “I’m going to say ‘ad hominem’ over and over and over again and then make a mistake with a homonym just to bait the pedantic monsters.”
I took it as a “dude where’s my car?” reference.
Clearly, Gabe can do no wrong.
your Steve Sanders name and your Joey Jeremiah avatar never cease to make me go “HUH?”
That was a weird mistype, though! The most probable explanation is that it’s part of some Videogum ARG that we don’t know about yet
maybe he is being held hostage, and he’s trying to communicate with us through secret typo code. WHICH WAREHOUSE GABE? HOW MANY UNMARKED BILLS SHOULD WE BRING??
DA Cake EATUR sounds like a villain’s name. Perhaps he is the MAD GENIUS behind this vicious plot (that now exists in my head)
If only we had some sort of hero(ine) to save the day? Perhaps An American Patriot? Or maybe someone who is … super!
‘I am BOOKFACE with the FACE of ….. BOOKS!’
****
“Not So Fast, Cake Eatur!” says Notsewfast.
“Do you think i’m scared of a baby?” Da Cake Eauter laughs as he holds a serving knife to Gabe’s jugular.
“You should be”
***
I don’t know if everyone is joking? But ad hominem is correct…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ad_hominem
??
it’s ok. he just also said “where’s”, which is a homonym for what he actually meant to say, which was “wears”. it’s both!!
I would like to nominate 2009’s ‘Whiteout’, starring Kate Beckinsale. The story follows Carrie Stetko, a US Marshal assigned to a research lab in Antarctica (because that is a thing the US Marshals do). A blizzard blows in and people start dying (DRAMA!!). It’s like Scream + The Day after tomorrow + City Slickers 2: The legend of Curly’s Gold – Plot. If this isn’t a contender for WMOAT, I don’t know what is.
WHITEOUT IS A GREAT IDEA!!! I suggest people read that actually-pretty-good comic first, just to prep themselves for how absolutely violated they will feel by watching that movie.
Along those same lines, 30 Days of Night starring Josh Fartnett deserves a nod. (Get it?)
Whiteout was bad but not WMOAT bad. It didn’t aim high enough.
All due respect to this movie’s candidacy, I can’t believe it made the Hunt before Dogma. “I have a good idea” that movie’s a piece of shit.
Nobody has ever been less qualified to tackle the bible than Kevin Smith. I HATE that movie. I am an atheist – I don’t care much for the “wisdom” of the bible either. But, man, it’s way above the Reverend Jorts’ station.
A long, long time ago, I actually liked Kevin Smith’s movies. (It was the nineties, I was young, shut up.) When Chasing Amy came out, there was a book released with the screenplays for Clerks and Chasing Amy with some commentary from K-smith. This was of course before DVD commentary tracks by everyone remotely associated with a movie’s creation were standard. We had to READ the commentary on awful films. Anyway. K-smith mentioned that in all the horribly, horribly negative mean reviews of his film Mallrats, there was one reviewer who made the observation that it seemed like K-smith really wanted to make a slapstick comedy but he wasn’t very good at directing it. K-smith went on to talk about how hw felt that this person actually got it, that the reason for directing his own screenplays was so that his vision wouldn’t get messed up.
This is of course complete and utter bullshit. K-smith directs his awful films because he believes (self-deprecating “I’m basically an incompetent director” lines aside) that he is actually a really good filmmaker. I think that he read Understanding Comics and is convinced that he’s just really good at content and not as good with form. What he needs to understand is that he is very very bad at both. Which brings me to Dogma.
Dogma is theology by a 12 year old role playing fanatic, based on Catholic Doctrine only half understood and then half remembered. Not saying that I agree with Catholic Doctrine but fuck me, as a long time atheist I still understand it better that this guy. So I appeal: Please, K-smith, stop making movies, and please, Hollywood, stop giving him money to make movies.
You forgot one thing about Chasing Amy.. the YELLING. it’s like every time they fight, Joey Lauren Adams does the entire scene YELLING in this high pitched unbearable squeal. it was the worst acting of all time. reaffirming the old Mr Show sketch.. “All acting is, is jumping up and down and yelling and screaming a lot.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wn7xe_TLoxw
LOLZ.
Didn’t it turn out that Jason Lee’s character actually WAS gay in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back?
PS I kind of like that movie if only for Will Ferrell and Tracy Morgan.
Yeah, he ends up dating Hooper X.
Yes. Shockingly, Kevin Smith allowed a lazy in-joke to infiltrate his otherwise airtight script.
Speaking of Sexual-Flip-Flopping, I would like to nominate the 1997 ‘romantic comedy’ “In & Out.” I saw it in the theaters for some reason, and remember nothing but being angry.
You have to see it in German to really get the subtext in it.
I recall some kind of a “twist”, and some long dance montage. Anything before or in-between has been completely supressed.
Noooooo! I love this movie! Just check out this all-star cast: Kevin Kline, Joan Cusack (a national treasure!), Tom Selleck, WILFORD BRIMLEY, Bob Newhart, Lauren Ambrose (remember her??), Zak Orth, and Matt Dillon but who cares about him…
I’m not saying this is the best of all time but it really doesn’t qualify for WMOAT.
Of course I remember Denise Fleming, how can I forget someone so pretty
Give it a second chance. In & Out is actually really good. And I’m gay.
OK, I will give it a second chance. Maybe it’s not as bad as I remember…
Or maybe it’s not as good as I remember.
Hooray for open minds!
So, one time I was telling my whole coming out saga to a rapt audience of friends: about how once in grade school I tried to kiss a boy and was met with shock and mock (Kiss tag has so many rules! Girls can kiss boys and boys can kiss girls and girls can kiss girls but a boy tries to kiss a boy and there is pandemonium! 4th grade is rough); about how since my dad is a pastor he could be asked to leave the church because of my sexuality; about the challenges and the regrets and blah de-freaking-blah. Towards the end I was feeling really drained and just like, “Why are we even talking about this?”
“I just asked if you wanted to watch ‘In & Out’”
Me: “Oh. No. thanks.”
-the end-
Isn’t putting a GLEE-reated avatar into your Videogum profile enough to come out of the closet these days???
actually that is a long story as well: i’ll make us some tea.
THANK YOU for finally doing this, Mr. Videogum face. Chasing Amy was so bad I literally walked out of the theater before even thirty minutes or so in to it. I should have been the target demo for this piece of shit film as I have suffered unrequited (obviously) crushes on cute lesbians in the past as well as having endured experiences in the comic book world. And yet despite all those demographical qualifiers, even I couldn’t deal with this piece of shit movie. Zero stars.
Hey guys, you’ve finally found something Steve approves of …
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
JESUS TITTY fucking CHRIST, MAN.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvaU-CeAG_U
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see
Sorry Ryan, but now you sound like a Saturday Night Live Character. The good news is one day they’ll probably try and stretch your boring commenting into a feature length movie.
Can we all start referring to Gabe as “Mr. Videogum face” now? Please?
Yes.
WE HAVE no business CALLING A 84 year OLD MAN names.
Wait… That means that Steve Winwood cannot be a teenager… we are learning more and more everyday. We WILL get to the bottom of you Steve!
That’s what Mr. Winwood’s transsexual lover said.
“…I have suffered unrequited (obviously) crushes on cute lesbians in the past as well as having endured experiences in the comic book world.”
Can also be read as:
“Jaggin’ off to Betty & Veronica.”
Asa that’s the funniest shit I’ve heard all week
The saddest part is that this is his “message movie.”
You think that’s bad? This is also his “massage” movie. Lipstick lesbian tickle fight party time.
Honestly, you know what I kind of liked about it? That she talks about how sexuality is open and fluid, and I think that is a pretty decent message to learn. Yeah, she goes the “wrong” way, but it still touches on the point that you can’t control who you love, even if it uproots your social lifestyle or conception of yourself.
YES! Clerks is not a classic. It’s the worst. WORST.
I wouldn’t call it a “classic,’ but it’s a good movie. He got it right that time when he actually had something original to say/do. I think his mistake was believing there were more movies in him (when it was really just fat cells).
IF BY a good movie YOU MEAN fucking RIDICULOUS, POINTLESS, AND immature then YOU SIR ARE correct!
I like Clerks too.
I like a lot of Kevin Smith’s stuff but haven’t seen it in ten years, so my opinion might have changed a lot since I was a teenager.
In the end, I do love the poisonous vitriol he seems to get out of people on here. Hilarious!
You Kevin Smith haters are total rug-munchers.
What are you going to do about it?
PROBABLY STOP you from HANGING YOURSELF only to fucking strangle YOU from BEHIND.
It’s a lost reference, Stevo. Don’t fret too hard.
This guy has something to say about that
Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist next week? Looks like someone read my “Films I misguidedly wasted money on in the thought that they would appeal to me based on my interests” Moleskine.
BUT YOU’RE a shark, GODDAMNIT!
My interests = Kat Dennings’ breasts. They’re awesome. Awesome to the max.
I have a serious crush on Kat Dennings thanks to her relatively open Internet presence (and so should all of you, honestly). Super-pretty down-to-earth-but-semi-hipster nerds for the win y’all
If your interests include Michael Cera awkwardly fingerbanging some chick in a recording studio, then really you have nothing to complain about.
Oh, whoops. **SPOILER ALERT**
and the award for lifetime achievement in fingerbanging goes to…. . joey lauren adams. so close, micheal, so close.
I was going to say that’s the best chance Michael Cera has of winning an award, but 20 years from now people will see that he was in a bunch of stuff and give him some kind of lifetime achievement award.
EXCELLENCE IN PLAYING CHARACTERS WITH A PHYSICAL AND VOCAL RESEMBLANCE TO MICHAEL CERA AWARD: LIFETIME DIVISION
I’d like to nominate The Women (not the 1939 original!). I only watched the first half, since during the second half my friend’s and I thought it would be more fun to get drunk and play Mario Kart than to watch this painfully predictable movie (it was!), but the first half being as bad as it was, I stand by my nomination.
I didn’t even make it to the end, plus it pretty much felt like they had elevator music as the film’s soundtrack, plus there’s the whole Meg Ryan ‘face distortion’ thing…what was she thinking?
I liked it. I also own Mallrats and both Clerks films on DVD, so there you have it. Fucking Kevin Smith hatred, how does it work?
Kevin Smith hate is a lot like music, its all a feeling, and it fills the room from the floor to the ceiling.
But can you even touch it?
Wait, White Chicks hasn’t been featured as a WMOAT?
I nominate White Chicks as a Worst Movie of All Time. But you can’t feature it this month because it’s Confederate History Month in Virginia, so that would be racist.
How did you know?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQhLLCUgFIg
Ok, yes maybe it should be considered – but I thoroughly enjoyed that scene.
Did that scene make his career?
I knew which scene this was before I even clicked.
Wait – I thought Virginia decided that Confederate History Month didn’t officially have anything to do with black people? So White Chicks shouldn’t be a problem since the race issues in White Chicks (are there race issues in White Chicks?) aren’t relevant to Virginia’s Confederate History. #happilyexvirginian
I was hungover on an airplane that was showing that movie, and I still had to stop watching no more than 10 minutes in. I’m not sure that movie is even watchable.
My friend rented that movie to watch and it still remains the one thing I can lord over her more than anything else.
i hate to be the pc police, and this pet peeve is probably mostly due to the fact that i’m married to a special ed. teacher, and other than this small complaint i really love the way that gabe and this site are able to tow that fine comedic line between being hilarious and still maintaining a level of decorum and a worldview that understands the need to be respectful of people, but can we please stop throwing around the word “retarded” as if it doesn’t have some really serious baggage that comes along with it?
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i infered, perhaps incorrectly, that he was using the word in its disparaging slang incarnation (which is derived from the term “mentally retarded”) and did not mean “A slowing down or hindering of progress; a delay.”
also, i finished a fairly mediocre book yesterday called “bangkok 8″ and started a, so far, really great charles willeford book called “cockfighter” (which was made into a movie back in the 70s starring warren oates that i’m really looking forward to watching after i finish the book). maybe i’m not reading the right books, i’m not sure i get where you were going with that 2nd sentence?
“I read lots of books.” -iantenna
“i have a pocket book in my pocket” is the new “i have pictures of black people in my wallet.”
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Class time: “I’ve seen it used alot to describe the worst member of a group, say the weakest, slowest, sickest, dumbest.”
So in the context of your sentence, you’re relating “retarded” with weak, slow, sick and dumb. That doesn’t sound degrading and offensive to you? It’s not as if you’re using it with a different meaning, but relating people, your friends I guess, with others who really are developmentally challenged.
Also, before you criticize someone for their reading list and understanding of words and context, remember there’s a space between “a” and “lot.”
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I’m pretty sure you need to go back to elementary school.
This conversation has become borderline retarded.
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“Well, my only problem with this plotline is that it is unrealistic, infantile, insulting, mildly homophobic, and retarded.”
I could be wrong, but reading that in context doesn’t exactly back you up durbeyfield. Interestingly, Gabe spends much of the post berating Kevin Smith’s latent homophobia while callously tossing off a word choice like this – one that I would argue reinforces negative stereotypes in the same way Smith’s “films” do.
+1
Sick burn!
I felt as though this WMOAT was more about Kevin Smith and less about Chasing Amy.
In all fairness, the mentally handicapped — at least, the severely mentally handicapped — are probably not excellent writers of movie plotlines (with some obvious exceptions who prove the rule). And Chasing Amy is in point of fact SEVERELY retarded on many levels — social, emotional, psychological, and cinematographic to name just four; its development has not progressed past a level that, as the above review points out, is about where the average 13-year-old resides. This is a real problem in a movie that is about affairs of the heart rather than, say, robots who turn into cars and fight. I’d say it is impossible to argue that this movie is not retarded* and that being so, let’s just use the words God gave us.
*Also gay.
thats exactly what ive been trying to say hotspur, thank you
I can not contribute too much I suppose, seeing as I only read books about Raman spectroscopy and kittens, but I am still pretty sure there is one meaning that all uses of that word are derived from in the modern dialect of our fine nation.
Gabe was using it satirically, like Rush Limbaugh.
Has anyone mentioned Joey Lauren Adams going to Australia/ “going down under” is a pretty thinly veiled allusion to her character being a lesbian, or do I have to be the pervert?
Nice leap Kevin Smith.
I’m really glad you TJ Walker’d that for me – because I am completely oblivious and did not see a correlation between Chasing Amy and a trip to Australia, no sarcasmo
I read she just tricked him into thinking she went to Australia. She was all,
ǝǝǝǝııʌoɯ ɹnoʎ uı ǝɯ ʇnd ןoן ןıɐɯǝ uʍop ǝpısdn sıɥʇ ʎq pǝɔuǝpıʌǝ sɐ ɐıןɐɹʇsnɐ oʇ ʇuǝʍ ı ʌǝʞ-ʌǝʞ
Can we all call him Kev-Kev now, or is that only for (hypothetical) groupies and (apparently actual) girlfriends?
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upvote for both of you, groupthink be damned.
Can I officially start a crusade to stop that word? Who wants to join the cause and become a Knight Tempthink?
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You have my sword, my bow and my axe. I carry all three.
Methinks somebody forgot the star of last week’s WMOAT. I believe you owe Mr. Prinze Jr. an apology.
Hmmm, side note. Does Jessica Biel still count as an actress? Is it still her profession?
I thought her profession is Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend?
I thought her profession was sexiest woman? I mean, I don’t think so, but if one were to judge these things based solely on lad magazines and various lists of sexy women, that would appear to be her job.
Is it too early to start hoping that Cera photobombs all of next week’s stills?
Looking at the “political prodigy” kid’s dutch boy hair cut and pilgrim clothing makes me think that it isn’t really a kid, but a midget who traveled through time just to judge our current world with its sad, judging eyes.
God that stupid sex accident scar scene. I remember seeing this movie when I was in the 8th grade or so and being momentarily terrified that sex was nothing but a long string of scar-inducing accidents.
But then I saw Joey Lauren Adams decide she wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore because Ben Affleck asked her to and realized Kevin Smith had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
So true! During the fingercuffs scene I was like, “is this what high school is going to be like?” and felt somewhat terrified since I hadn’t even made out with anybody yet…
You know the worst thing about Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist? Everything.
I see a lot of garbage, but It’s one of the few bad movies that I fought the urge to walk out of. In the end I won… yet I lost. Like sitting through Chris Columbus’s Rent or Running With Scissors.
Hell, Scissors is the sole reason I won’t watch Glee. Ryan Murphy can still suck it for all I care… oh wait, he made the upcoming Eat, Pray, Love too? There isn’t a big enough “UGH!”.
Running With Scissors was TERRIBLE!
At least you (I hope) didn’t have to read the book in a high school English class! Truly disturbing and completely “shock-factor”-ish.
Holy crap, a quick google search shows that Augusten Burroughs has written SIX memoirs! You know how many Winston Churchill wrote? A mere three. Also, unlike Burroughs, he was interesting, lived an interesting life and was a total badass.
Sellovision (one of his works of fiction) was a decent read, as far as a I’m-on-summer-break-and-want-a-quick-read-but-have-no-new-Pahlaniuk-novel-to-mildly-shock-me goes.
RENT!!!!!!
There was so much I hated about what that movie chose to be.
I was a sucker for the comic book culture in this film, which, to be honest, as much as I knew about comics back when i was 17, I did not know about being professional or going to cons.
So the bits where Mike Allred is signing books and talking about Chow Yun Fat as Madman, and Scott Mosier is accusing Banky of being a tracer, or even Hooper X’s explanation of Star Wars being racist, all of these things I found to be great at 17. I also liked the studio space Holden and Banky had, and I enjoyed the throwaway dialogue between the two of them about the streetlight Holden drew which Banky recognizes is the streetlight down by some store they frequent as he is currently inking it. I liked all of that.
I also didn’t lose my virginity (on that trampoline) until I was 17, so all the sex talk was like, wow. Sex talk. Eating vaginas and fisting and double penetration. I’m listening.
But I remember walking out of the theater thinking that’s not what I expected. I was hoping it would be a more down to earth movie about comic book creators getting into universally relatable problems and over-coming them.
I had to wait for American Splendor before I got a film with the sort of semblance I was expecting of Chasing Amy.
The unexpected treat of today is that this is the second thing on Videogum that has made me think of how much I love Toby Radloff.
Do Hackers, please, the 1995 movie starring Jonny Lee Miller, Angelina Jolie, and Matthew Lillard AMONG OTHERS. It’s a classic tale of good versus evil. David versus Goliath. Punks versus squares. Little guys versus big corporation.
Roller blades
versus skateboards!
Anything else, sinkfloridasink? You want me to mow the lawn? Oops! I forgot, New York, No grass.
Looks like Gabe has just gotten a wake-up call from the Nintendo Generation.
Seriously though, is Hackers even eligible with a line like this?:
“You wanted to know who I am, Zero Cool? Well, let me explain the New World Order. Governments and corporations need people like you and me. We are Samurai… the Keyboard Cowboys… and all those other people who have no idea what’s going on are the cattle… Moooo.” -The Plague
I’m pretty sure it needs to be placed in a Pantheon of some sort along with Lorraine Bracco.
Only do Hackers if you include that shot toward the end where you can sort of see Angelina Jolie’s boobs when she is in the swimming pool, spoiler alert
So, you were old enough to have seen Chasing Amy in its theatrical release, yet…this?
Amen Steve Winwood
Or the scene in the dream sequence in JLM’s bedrrom where you actually see her boobs, double spoiler, no homo (I’m a girl).
I haven’t commented in weeks and THIS is what I come out of retirement for?? I guess Hackers is just that terribLOL.
Steve, pal, maybe you grew up in different times, but it’s pretty easy to see boobs these days. I’d imagine a quick Google search will provide you with all your boob needs. You can even masturbate more than once, DAMN.
It satisfies all of the Official Rules:
1. It cannot be intentionally horrible. [The only debatable one here]
2. It must have at least one A- or B-list movie star in it. [Angelina Jolie, Matthew Lillard, Lorraine Bracco]
3. It cannot be Glitter. [It's not Glitter]
4. It has to have had a theatrical release. [Yes]
5. It must be available on Netflix. [Yes]
6. No matter how bad the movie, it cannot be based on a popular superhero. [It's not, unless you consider Zero Cool and Acid Burn to be superheroes, which I guess is debatable]
7. No musicals. [Nope]
8. No Robin Williams movies [Nope]
9. Only one Nicolas Cage movie per “round.” [Sadly, Nic Cage is not in it]
10. No children’s movies. [Nope. It was only written by children, not for children.]
11. Gabe is the boss. [He is.]
You are truly a Keyboard Cowboy, sinkfloridasink.
All my base are belong to you.
But I’m keeping my ugly red book that won’t fit on a shelf.
Does it count as a children’s movie if it has a 33-year-old Jonny Lee Miller is playing a teen?
Aw, come on. It’s a cult classic. I don’t think it’s even meant to be very good, and all us nerds like to watch it from time-to-time for a good laugh. Certainly not the greatest movie of all time, but Hollywood doesn’t understand computers, so what are you gonna do?
Are you havin a laff?
I actually love the watching the thing, But that doesn’t stop it from being a terrible, terrible movie.
I’m cracking up reading Hackers’ “popular quotes.” This expository dialogue is so hilarious, that at the risk of downvotes, I have to post it! Just one more-
Plague: Our recent unknown intruder penetrated using the superuser account, giving him access to our whole system.
Margo: Precisely what you’re paid to prevent.
Plague: Someone didn’t bother reading my carefully prepared memo on commonly-used passwords. Now, then, as I so meticulously pointed out, the four most-used passwords are: love, sex, secret, and…
Margo: [glares at The Plague]
Plague: god. So, would your holiness care to change her password?
Heeheehee hee hee
We usually just run around screaming RIGHTEOUS HACK!
Preposterous.
The best bit is when they’re fawning over her 28.8 BPS modem. Even my mom would laugh if she saw that.
NEVER SPEAK ILL OF HACKERS.
While I have no fancy gifs or witty rhetoric I would like to once again submit Home Fries and hope the panel looks at the work and deems it worthy.
Please for the love of god someone do Home Fries. My 12 year old daughter put that on and I remembered why I never made the effort before to see that piece of shit.
I’d like to nominate 16 Blocks. Words can’t describe how painful Mos Def’s characters voice is for 90 pain-minutes. It’s the aural equivalent of walking in on a family member who’s using the bathroom or watching Lions for Lambs.
Totally! I saw it in a hotel once, the Mos Def squeaky lispy cool talking. Plus Bruce Willis reprising his role as every cop he’s ever played.
haha “Ms. Fat Booty” is currently playing in my headphones. And thank God it’s no 16 Blocks-voice!
so that’s 3 movies that have Criterion Editions (Button and Armageddon being the others) I can’t wait til we get to The Rock http://www.criterion.com/films/649-the-rock
I would love to nominate The Invention of Lying. I started watching it with my roommates and found it absolutely intolerable. Some people say it’s because of the “British comedy” but I am prettttty sure that’s not it. It failed at being a religious satire, failed at being a comedy, but succeeded at being awful.
Yes and no on this one. Its not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination, but I would say its greatest crime is being completely forgettable. I walked out of that film feeling like I hadn’t watched anything at all.
the greatest crime was shooting for a satire and landing at an abysmal 2 hours of complete laughlessness. the gift is that is was forgettable!
But didn’t we just learn about how funny Ricky Gervais is?
I know I’m new to the office here, but allow me to submit Charlie’s Angels II: Full Throttle for your consideration. It combines classic McG style PG-13 action, insufferable Cameron Diaz squealing as a stand in for “grrl power,” grating Lucy Liu faux-badassery, an early appearance of Shia “The Beef” LaBeouf, and to top it all off the movie replaced Bill Murray with Bernie Mac–that’s like replacing a nice filet mignon dinner with Bernie Mac. Anyway, the movie sucks and I wish I had back the two hours my friend spent illegally downloading it in college.
I think I saw this in theaters. We were trying to sneak into another movie so we bought tickets for Charlies Angels 2 but the movie theater staff was being too watchful and we had to go into the theater and stay there. It s a bad movie for sure but I don’t think its WMOAT material.
I saw this in theaters too,but worse I wanted to go very badly, since I love the first one (don’t judge, Sam Rockwell dancing is the best)
I think I liked it, but it could have been because I saw it at a drive-in theater in the desert sitting on lawn chairs having cheap pizza n’ beer. It took me, with the stink of filthy roadhouse whiskey on it’s breath, and I liked it.
holy ballz, that scene with sam rockwell was SO good. the black tank top and him doing the splits. YOWZA.
i unabashedly love that movie.
i would love for it to be a better movie than it is, because we need more movies with ladies being bad-asses, but it’s totally good enough.
Dear Ben Affleck: CURE ME.
Thank you for the inclusion of Political Prodigy’s withering look — the flip side to James Franco’s so-good-pie-face, perhaps?
I’d also like to single out another bit of garbage from this trash heap of a movie: the names. Kevin Smith’s stand-in — excuse me, his lead character– is called Holden, and Jason Lee’s character, we are told, is named Banky, which just happens to be the last name of Holden Caulfield’s roommate in The Catcher in the Rye. Kevin Smith was in his late 20s when he made this movie, but obviously still reading at a middle-school level.
I nominate The Prime Gig again. I refuse to let Vince Vaughn get away with starring in a movie about high stakes telemarketing. Because if there is anything that puts millionaire actors in their place once and for all, its having Gabe review their movies for WMOAT of course.
Nevermind. I just found out the movie was straight to video, therefore eliminating it from contention. It’s a shame, since it would have been funny to see Gabe react to the ending where nothing is really resolved and entire characters are not explained and Vince Vaughn just walks out of his house down the street and all of a sudden the credits appear.
I don’t really get all the K Smith hatred. I have seen him speak a couple of times, and he is probably among the least homophobic people in the world. The man has a huge ego, yes, but so do all directors who achieve notoriety.
And his notoriety, at least, was earned by making an impressive film (Clerks is a good movie. it just is.) on no budget, which he sold like everything he owned to finance, and then wowing someone as big as Harvey Weinstein at Sundance. I mean shit on that movie all you want, but it is more than most people who comment on this blog–myself included–would ever have the gall to even try.
Interestingly, Smith would actually probably agree with most of your points about Chasing Amy. Although most Smithheads(is that what they’re called?) say it’s their favorite of his movies, he has repeatedly said he can’t watch it anymore, because he considers its ideas about romance, etc, pretty juvenile. It’s a movie he wrote when he was young and naive, and that definitely comes through in the movie. That’s why most people who remember it fondly probably watched it when they were very young and had no idea about anything.
I’m not saying it’s a good movie, but it’s a slightly forgiveable bad movie, and Kevin Smith is really not as deserving of Gabe-hate as most of the irredeemable assholes who frequently appear here. I mean, I know there is plenty of Gabe-hate to go around, but let’s not forget that Jeff Dunham is still out there and has been quiet for a while. We gotta hate sustainably.
I agree with Ass Dan(and his great avatar!). I’ve always found Smith’s movies to be pretty funny, if badly filmed and acted at times. I have to say, if this is the reaction Chasing Amy gets from Gabe, I can only imagine the fireball of anger and bitterness that would erupt were he to ever watch Mallrats.
I nominate Bad Boys 2 for the next round for many reasons:
1)Dead body car chase
2)Will Smith threatening to rape a teenage boy
3)Smith high-fiving Martin Lawrence after threatening to rape a teenage boy
4)What happens right before Will Smith exclaims “That is how you shoot!”
I have to agree here. I definitely have a special place in my heart for Kevin Smith movies. While I’m not quite as old as Mr. Winwood (Chasing Amy in the theater? Really? You’ve got to be in your 30′s), I totally came of age watching these movies. Clerks and Mallrats are both totally juvenile its true, but I really liked that (when I was a juvenile?). But I always disliked Chasing Amy. I used to say it was my least favorite Kevin Smith movie, before he went off and made a ton of really crappy movies. I’m also glad someone else hated Chasing Amy, because when I was 15 I took a lot of shit about it. Smith has become something of a joke now, which is too bad because he could have made some funny movies if he had grown up a little bit and started wearing full length pants.
Um, I saw Chasing Amy in the theater. And I’m not in my 30s, but I’m not far from it. Is this supposed to be some kind of insult? I’ll just go stand next to Gabe and wait for them to start handing out the tapioca, I guess.
I nominate “Bringing Down the House”, the first movie that convinced me that it was made not by people who had ever interacted with other carbon based lifeforms, but by a computer that had become aware. Not super-aware, but just aware enough to think that a middle aged white guy saying “You got me straight trippin’, boo” was a joke.
THAT’S NOT A JOKE YOU DUMB COMPUTER. BE MORE FUNNY.
In conclusion “Bring Down the House” was terrible and the Worst Movie of All Time.
I’m nominating (again) GOTH-”I don’t believe in ghosts, but they believe in me”-IKA.
There is also a Crystal Lite joke in there somewhere, but I’ve been painting my nostrils with Liquid Paper all night to figure it out.
This week I would like to nominate The Saint.
Although I still believe that White Man’s Burden is a worser film, but just to switch up nominations, you see. In fact, it’s definitely not worth than Death Sentence, but we need content coming in always, right?
I just remember I hated this film so much that I returned it to Blockbuster, and at the time Blockbuster had this policy where if you absolutely abhorred a film then you could have them permanently show on your account that you will never rent it again, and then you get to check out another movie for free.
The Saint was the only movie I ever did that with.
Val Kilmer is no longer your huckleberry.
All I remember about this movie is hypothermia sex.
Kevin Smith’s rider specifies no brown jorts.
“For example: at one point in the movie, Jason Lee and Joey Lauren Adams trade multiple war stories and battle scars that they both have from performing cunillingus on their sexual partners. Really? Two characters in this movie suffered MULTIPLE oral sex injuries leaving them with permanent scars? Give me a fucking break.”
I am no Kevin Smith apologist, but I thought this was a take on the Jaws scene in which Quint and Hooper are trading injury-at-sea stories. It still stinks, of course.
We’re gonna need a bigger- gross, nevermind.
I DISAGREE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXA8lxyNBLw
Thanks goodness! I saw this when it was still being touted as “Kevin Smith’s best work yet” (that title now belongs to his jillion-part YouTube diatribe against Southwest Airlines, duh) and I kept thinking that there was something wrong with ME for not getting how effing brillo it was.
I was young and foolish then. Now I know that sometimes large swaths of the moviegoing public can be deluded into thinking something sucky is fantastic. (HIIIIIIII, CRASH!!!!!)
P.S. I can’t wait until next week, because it will mark the first WMOAT contender that I have a) seen, and b) did NOT think was a legitimate contender for the WMOAT. Nick & Norah isn’t a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, but I can’t imagine that any of its flaws measure up to the ones in Chasing Amy, let alone Domino (my personal WMOAT). So I’m interested to see how this turns out.
I grew up in and around Red Bank, NJ, which is where a lot of this was filmed. I shopped at that record store (Jack’s) all the time.
So there’s a bit of “hey! look!” value for me with Chasing Amy (I don’t know what gene it is that causes as Jersey natives to be so sentimental about their literal landmarks, but I have it), but I remember watching it when I was in college and actually knew lesbians, and I felt like I just discovered I used to be a big asshole.
red bank what what. i thought the same thing about jacks. “i have briefly considered purchasing an overpriced cd in those very aisles” is what i thought.
I feel the same way about most Seattle movies, specifically 10 Things I Hate About You. Except a lot of that movie had me saying things like, “There’s no sun and ivy on the Fremont troll!” and “I wish Gasworks Park had paintball!” and most importantly, “Are they on a paddle boat in fucking Puget Sound!?!?! Go to Greenlake before you get run over by a bigger boat!”
Usually though, movies say they’re in Seattle and I spend the whole time thinking, isn’t that Vancouver BC?
Jack’s used to be reasonably priced when it was across the street, but I can’t remember the last time I bought a new CD there. Their used vinyl section is pretty decent.
Oddly enough, I used to live in Olympia, WA, so I know what angizzle is talking about (namely, there’s too much sun in this movie).
I liked this movie a lot. and I generally really like Kevin Smith. I think it is pretty ridiculous for criticize comedies for unsophisticated camera work or dialogue that is distinct from the way that people actually talk. it is not cinema verite, nor is it going for gritty realism. The dialogue is different from the way people actually talk, because people aren’t actually all that funny in real life. I too have always thought the 3some plan felt forced, but it is not like the resolution of the movie actually hinged on the success of that ill-conceived plan. Nor is it inconceivable that a character that identifies as a lesbian could possibly have a love affair with a man. It surprises me that in your hipster ethic you regard sexuality as completely static. All the time in movies we accept that characters that identify as straight, particularly female characters and Peter Sarsgaard, have homosexual dalliances. I also agree that it is hard to take your self-righteous pandering to political correctness in issues of race and sexuality identity, when you so casually find humor at the expense of, or use words that people find offensive in relationship to, easy targets, ie. the developmentally disabled, the over weight, the jean shorted etc.) . I find it disappointingly lazy on your part as a humorist. Also having read a lot of Smith interviews and watched all of his Evening With and Evening Harder series, I think has been pretty upfront that some of the inspiration for Chasing Amy was explicitly about his insecurities about Adams’ sexual history and dating life before him (she did after all take Bud Bundy’s virginity) not about a trip to Australia.
That being said, I would like to nominate Rollerball
not with James Caan, but the ll Cool J version. It is a steaming pile of garbage and has been all over HBO as of late.
I agree, this isn’t a bad movie, but a divisive one. While I haven’t seen all of Smith’s movies, I’ve enjoyed those that I have seen.
I was initially taken aback by the way the movie handled homosexuality, but I think the movie explained that she was bisexual, but had at that point sworn off men. One of Smith’s best friends (and producers), Malcolm Ingram, is openly gay, and released a great documentary called “Small Town Gay Bar”, that profiles gay culture in the deep South. That film was produced by Kevin Smith.
I nominate Turner & Hooch.
I love this movie but know it is absolutely terrible.
I Nominate the film “Anti-Trust” starring Tim Robbins as Essentially Bill Gates, president of Essentially Microsoft
In 2008, Vin diesel starred in a little movie called Babylon A.D. As things would have it, it turned out to be awful. Maybe the worse? Since it was a big budget sci fi movie, and I usually like those type of things (mainly vin diesel) wasted money on it and was disappointed.. Don’t be angry at me, all you babylon babies fans out there.
Can i nominate Kevin Costner: Prince of Thieves? Its really, really bad. thanks
I can remember the specific moment when my Kevin Smith like turned into hatred and that was the “porch monkeys” scene from Clerks 2. I didn’t even know what that meant, for God’s sake, and after I had it explained to me, it seemed like the most God-awful, tasteless and just plain irrelevant thing to stick in the movie. Gross.
Meaning the donkey show was less gross? I think the porch monkey thing is actually pretty funny in an “I just won the Inappropriate Game” way. The worser thing in that ridiculous exercise in seriously-you’re-gonna-make-a-sequel-to-THAT was the truly infantile romantic plot. Oh, and the unending whining about the truly infantile romance. Gee, sounds like a Kevin Smith movie, except where the shit monster is a donkey show.
I nominate Yes Man for the WMOAT. It is awful. Awful in the way that The Invention of Lying is awful, because it thinks that it’s a great idea and message when in reality it’s total crap and a waste of $9.50 and a couple hours. Also, isn’t it loosely based on (exactly like) that one movie, Liar Liar, also starring Jim Carrey? Because I definitely think that it is, except worse. ZOOEY AND RHYS COULDN’T EVEN SAVE IT, C’MON.
Hello monsters all! I’d like to nominate “Mona Lisa Smile”. It was an overly sentimental, pandering piece of crap with no artistic merit, or plot or acting for that matter.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0304415/
Ugh. I completely forgot how awful this movie was. So, Awful.
It was a weak attempt at a female Dead Poet’s Society,not only was it awful but utterly forgettable.
I’m glad this nominee is gaining steam.
I walked out of the theater, and I was prime age for “female mentor leads young women to greater understanding of the world and themselves” fodder. I came out thinking “so THAT’S how stupid misogynists think we are. Got it.”
julia stiles oh-so-thoughtfully reassured jon stewart that it was ::not:: a “feminazi” movie during her interview on the daily show.
thanks, jules! avoiding you forever starting now!
Thank you for confirming what I long suspected about Chasing Amy. I am, admittedly, biased against it, because I watched it for the first time WITH MY PARENTS. Lesbians and oral sex injuries and talking about threesomes = Family Movie Night!
Haha, yeah, definitely not that sort of movie.
I watched it with my younger cousin. I think it got to “when you say fuck her, do you mean you’re gonna eat her out-” before the cousin switched it off and threatened to tell on me for buying a “gay swearing movie”. I nearly died of shame, but thankfully without screwed up notions about sexuality.
(The cover is pretty misleading, actually.)
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More like, blogs are jumping a man in jorts that is jumping a shark.
Just because everyone hates slipping on discarded garbage doesn’t mean that we should stop going to the hospital with broken glass stuck in our leg.
That’s some Metaphor of the Week material, is what that is.
Thank you for providing me with a forum for my Kevin Smith rage, I am the only person in my circle who thinks Clerks isnt the most amazing film ever.
And I would like to nominate for WMOT the 1999 Harrison Ford movie “Random Hearts”, a film that has the unique privilage of being the only film I have walked out on in the theatre.
Random Hearts is truly, truly awful. Very good idea. In fact, I think Gabe DESERVES to watch that movie after his somewhat unfair Kevin Smith bashing. A very rare miss, Gabe. Go watch Random Hearts.
Everything Gabe said is valid, but what puzzled me about the movie when i saw it was why Amy was so upset she wasn’t a full on lesbo. I mean, she had sex with guys before, so why did it weird her out so much? But even if she hadn’t had sex with guys before why would it weird her out to the point of a breakdown? Is Kevin Smith saying gay people abhor heterosexuality the same way homophobes abhor homosexuality? I guess so, because why else would she hide the fact she was with guys before? Out of shame! Ewww, guys, yuck. No one can ever know! So gay people define themselves solely on their sexuality to the point of having a breakdown if challenged and are as big of assholes as homophobes. Well done Kevin Smith, bullseye!
I think it’s because Ben Affleck’s character thought she was a dirty whore for having a sexual history.
Saw Chasing Amy when it came out. Liked it. Didn’t see it again til last year. Lasted a bad 15 minutes. I think the Monsters (and Smith) are onto something when they say becoming an adult makes watching this impossible and..
Nick and Norah is waaay worse! Yay!
According to my IMDB sleuthing, Valentine’s Day will be released on DVD May 18th. So many stars, so few laughs!
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810094501/trailer
AHHHH!!!!! NICK AND NORAH!!! This is the day I have been waiting for. I hate Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist more than any other movie on earth. It is King Worst of Worstopia. It automatically wins as worst movie of all time. I’ll be sad to say goodbye to The Hunt, but there cannot possibly be another movie worse than Nick and Norah, and so I can only conclude that The Hunt must end. Goodbye Hunt! Burn in Hell Nick and Norah!
It’s my birthday today. And all I want for my birthday is for Gabe to pick and watch The Love Guru for the next round to see if it is, indeed, The Worst Movie Of All Time. (Hint: It is.)
Has Kevin Smith ever made a good movie?
1. Clerks (mediocre)
2. Mallrats (mediocre)
3. Chasing Amy (terrible)
4. Dogma (terrible)
5. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (terrible)
6. Jersey Girl (terrible)
7. Clerks 2 (terrible)
8. Zack and Miri Make A Porno (terrible)
9. Cop Out (terrible)
Man are those a lot of bad movies. Smith apologists are splitting their heads trying to defend this guy.
Huh. You know, if you’d asked me if I liked Kevin Smith I probably would have said ‘Yeah, he’s all right. We both love Degrassi.’ But seeing them all piled on top of one another like that… how embarrassing. It’s not even like he made an amazing, unforgettable first film and never hit that high point again. Where’s his Rushmore?
Thank you for this, Gabe. I was a loud nominators of Chasing Amy for the hunt (not as loud as werttrew for Amelia, but he’s got moxie) and I am gratified to see my hate validated. You paying to see it in the theater is just as bad as, or worse than, my having to sit through a sneak preview and then “moderate” a Q&A with Joey Lauren Adams.
I am once again here at roughly comment # 250 to ask for the inclusion of The Taking of Pelham 123 in the hunt.
For the 3rd week in a row I will include a quote from Travolta’s character.
“So this dog… out of nowhere just lifts his hind-legs up and puts them in the, you know the harness there… and just takes a shit, while he’s running on his front paws. So he’s dumping and running, all at the same time… now that’s multi-fucking-tasking if you ask me.”
This story continues (yes… it continues) and explains how the dog helped travolta (ya… we aren’t capitalizing travolta anymore) learn to take a shit in prison.
This is not even close to the worst line in the movie. I’m pretty sure this movie was written as a thesis paper at the end of 2 long years earning a Masters in bad dialogue.
In the future please refer to that movie as “THE REMAKE OF The Taking of Pelham 123″. The original film is terrific and the final shot of the film is just the greatest shot of Walter Matthau’s face in the history of pictures of Walter Matthau’s face. Five stars for the original film, dawg.
agreed
In the original, that story was about a black man.
I really like Chasing Amy, and most of Kevin Smith’s movies.
I would also like to nominate Whoopi Goldberg’s 1996 masterpiece Theodore Rex.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theodore_Rex
It is a movie about Dinosaur Policemen from the Future.
Oooooh just kidding. Apparently Theodore Rex was intended to have a theatrical release but went DTV instead. My sincerest apologies.
I would like to nominate the film “Bewitched” (2005 version).
I saw this movie with an ex-girlfriend who literally fell asleep in the theater about 30 minutes into it. I was incredibly jealous of her. It is highly sexist, nonsensical, and somehow manages to be completely unfunny while featuring such skilled actors as Will Ferrell, Michael Caine, Jason Schwartzman, Steve Carrell, and Steven Colbert.
I would include a humorous GIF but this tends to get your nomination ignored more often than not.
Kevin Smith and what looks like a formal-wear hockey jersey. I’m surprised the camera didn’t just burst into flames of worst.
Dudes.
Dudes.
Dudes?
I love this movie. I really do. It warms my heart, and Gabe, you’re just wrong, or simply not 90s enough. And there is a Cibo Matto poster in the back.
But yeah, Kevin Smith movies usually suck. But I like this one, and will stand by the fact that it has been put out by THE CRITERION COLLECTION (that’s right).
Armageddon was also released by Criterion.
Just sayin’.
I’m so sad. All last week I was so psyched to be here for this, because I love Clerks and accept Kevin Smith for who he is but even I know — I KNOW — that Chasing Amy is among the worst of the worst.
And then I had so much work to do yesterday at my job, I didn’t get here until today.
Oh man. I missed it. I feel like there was a great party going on, maybe the BEST party, and I knew it, and I knew it was far away, but I sincerely thought I might get there in time. So I ran and ran, down long dark streets, across whole towns; I stole cars, even bike-jacked a lady at gunpoint, finally I leapt over a toilet-paper-strewn front yard (this must be the place), burst in through the front door — FINALLY! — but it’s just a big empty room, now. Empty except for spent streamers, overturned tables, red cups on the floor. Dorito crumbs everywhere, butter on the ceiling, not a soul in sight, not a sound. “Hello?” I call out. “Notsewfast? Mr Hausfrau? ANYONE?” My voice echoes. I am answered only by a faint and arrhythmic snore. Wait — a snore! Someone’s here! I follow the sound. This way! Over here! Under the couch! Alas, it is only a suicidally inebriated Steve Winwood, quite out cold. I sit down on a pile of broken dreams, and I weep. I have missed the party.
Chasing Amy is bad.
Just try to get fired or something so it doesn’t happen again.
From now on, unless I get banned, I’m going to keep nominating Birth (2004). Let justice be done upon it!
I see your Birth and raise you a Disclosure (1994).
Finally!! Somebody has pointed out that CHASING AMY may be one of the worst films of all time. That took way too long.
Seconded vehemently. That movie took dreadful to new heights
ugh, that was intended as a second to Failure to Launch. FAIL on my part
I agree with everyone that Chasing Amy sucks, but given the list of movies in this feature, it should really be renamed ‘MOST FAMOUS MEDIOCRE MOVIES OF THE WRITER’S LIFETIME’. I mean, no Psyched by the 4D Witch? No Glen or Glenda? No Killers from Space? Come on guys.
I’d like to nominate Hancock. I don’t even know where to begin with this awful excuse for a film. I think it would be safe to say that this film has officially marked the decline of Will Smith. Too bad, so sad.