Photos
Videogum reader Mickey sends in this photo of the Daily Telegraph‘s front page section teaser. For those of you who do not have JPG capabilities on your WebTVs, it reads “Paltrow Pique: You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry” and it features a photograph of Gwyneth Paltrow making her “I-find-the-petite-bourgeoisie-amusing” face. And she has a point. I wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. Here are some other times that I wouldn’t like her:
- When she is happy
- When she is sleepy
- When she is wearing the same outfit as me at the party
- When she is sitting next to me on the shuttle bus between the baggage claim and the Enterprise car rental
- When she is cutting me in line at the Pinkberry and then only orders a free sample
- When she breaks into a Sea World at night and tries to steal one of the whales to keep in her hot tub
- When she interrupts a keynote speaker at a Global Poverty Summit to ask directions to the Chanel Outlet
- When she is the subject of a science experiment that goes totally wrong and renders her body into “pure energy”
- When she is not angry
The list goes on. And on and on. And on and on and on and on and on.
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Here, there, or anywhere.
I would not like her with a fox,
I would not like her (head) in a box.
Most terrifying ham ever!
you’re right. that is the most terrifying ham ever, even with a warning before scrolling down to actually see the picture.
Or when she wears skinny jeans, or when she drinks straight out of the carton, or when one of her DVDs comes with that extra cardboard sleeve, or when she asks a question that the teacher JUST answered….
Or when she talks with that gay accent. ENOUGH.
Experts predict that the power-hungry Paltrow’s next step will be a full-scale overthrow of the British government, whichis already being referred to as her GOOP d’etat.
in either alternate reality
The best reality in that movie would have been if she had accidentally fallen on to the tracks of the London Underground and the film instead followed a much more interesting character for the remaining 90 minutes.
I liked her a lot more when she had a wooden finger and was all sad all the time. Although the more I think about it, it was probably just because she was near Bill Murray.
I hate to be the bad-news-man: the law of conservation of matter says that all matter that exists has always existed and will always exist, in one form or another. That means that from the Big Bang until the final collapse of the Universe, those quarks and protons and shit that constitute GP have always been and will always be.
Physics has not determined whether GP existed before the Big Bang, but I assure you, it is a high priority–right after determining if scientists on television are realistic.
But if we assume the multiverse theory (because there is a limited amount of matter, if the universe is infinite, then eventually the arrangements of the matter must repeat themselves or vary very slightly, in other words, there are “worlds” in which literally anything that follows the laws of physics is possible), then somewhere, millions upon millions of lightyears away, there is a GP who is a humble, middle-class women of little public notoriety who wears Riddler costumes and whose diet consists of mainly towels and binders.
I think I might like that GP.
“Gabe loves Gwyneth Paltrow.” – Excerpt from Gabe’s psychoanalyst’s notebook..
I would like her in that one scene in Shakespeare in Love (you know the one I mean, am I right?)
Does she die in that movie?
When she dresses like a dude right?
Steve Winwood WOULD like that, with that accent he’s always using.
Winwood Wood Would
You guys I am talking about the scene where you get to see her boobies. I havent actually watched that movie so I havent seen it but it sounds like a good time to whip out the old freeze frame on the remote control
not letting me reply to Steve but
ENHANCE!
When her head is in a yogurt cup.
It kind of seems like it always is, metaphorically speaking.
I would not like her with or without batwings.
I want her to name-drop books so bad.
About the only time I could see myself being foolish enough to like this person is if she were trapped in a mine. And there was no hope of retrieving her.
or when she’s stealing the tag lines from superheroes…..
Next week’s goop is “how to pull off a one-skillet chicken dish when we’re dining in Hell.”
When she is naming her second child…Orange? Banana? Potato?
That’s Self-Potato.
It’s just sad to see how much she’s changed since Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow came out on Blu-Ray.
one time i got in the car and my parent had set the radio to the adult alternative station and I got to hear an interview with Billy Bob Thornton about his band. Then they played a song called “bourgeoise pig”
it went:
Bourgeoise Pig, you got too big
You forgot where you came from
Bourgeoise Pig, you got too big
You better get humble and then some
And I was incredulous. But now I think I get what he meant.
When she’s trying to convince me she’s a human being that gets “angry.” That does not compute Gwyneth, that does not compute.
The problem is it is difficult to know when she is angry because she has not eyebrows.
When she’s trapped in an elevator with Nicholas Sparks. Also, zombies are trying to break in.
And on and on and on…
I am really surprised that that is above the fold in the Telegraph; it really seems perfect for an exposé in FeMail.
Best Post and Replies EVER. It’s quite fitting that Gwyneth Paltrow brought this kid back into the videogumverse.
You wouldn’t like her when she’s likable.
Which is never so I will never like her when she’s likeable. Ongoing circle of life.
And on and on.
Wait, this is wrong. You wouldn’t like her when she’s likable (likeable?), which is never, so you never wouldn’t like her? I’m not insinuating anything (about your GIRLFRIEND), except I think I just did.
I wouldn’t like her when she talks to me,
Or when she cuts her hair.
I wouldn’t like the way she drives my car,
I wouldn’t like her when she’d stare.
I wouldn’t like her in big dumb combat boots,
Or the way she’d read my mind.
I wouldn’t like her because she makes me sick,
She even makes me rhyme.
I wouldn’t like–I wouldn’t like the way she’s always right,
I wouldn’t like her when she’d lie.
I wouldn’t like her when she made me laugh.
Even worse when she made me cry.
I wouldn’t like it when she’s not around,
Or the fact that she didn’t call.
But mostly I wouldn’t like the way I wouldn’t like her,
Not even close
Not even a little bit
Not even at all.
When she names her kids Apple and Moses
It looks like he’s eating her cheek.
It still probably taste better than her chicken.
She is SO bored of carnivores. The goop way is the vegan way
When I get up to make a pop tart and she steals my spot on the long ass peach muthafuckin’ sofa in the apartment we share.
OH YES. this is my story. i win.